[Closed] Favourite comedy one-liners

Hora, Arnie's name in Commando was John MATRIX!

Good one liners though!

Oh yes and he was a Colonel. Do'h! 😀

I love listening to your little piss ant soldiers trying to talk tough, they make me laugh. If Matrix was here, he'd laugh too

Operator: "can i ask whos talking please?"

Person: "yes....you are"

The Jerk

That's Sh*t, this Shinola

Sh*t, Shinola

you're going to be alright

'Seinfeld - The Contest'

Kramer - I'M OUT

From Flying High/Airplane:

"Ever since then, I've had this terrible drinking problem"

(misses mouth and throws drink down front)

More from Red Dwarf:

Cat: "Forget red - let's go all the way up to brown alert!"
Kryten: "There's no such thing as a brown alert sir."
Cat: "You won't be saying that in a minute!"

I just want to tell you, we're all counting on you.

Needs a thick scots accent and a cake to point at:

"Is that a cake or a meringue?"

Pretty much every time I see a cake. I never get bored, but I can't say the same for everyone else!

"We have Clearance Clarence"
"Roger Roger, Whats our vector victor?"

Just kills me every time..

"Nice beaver"
"Thank you - I just had it stuffed"
Video [url=

Another Red Dwarf

Cat [to Rimmer]: What is it?
Rimmer: It's a rent in the space-time continuum.
Cat [to Lister]: What is it?
Lister: The stasis room freezes time, you know, makes time stand still. So whenever you have a leak, it must preserve whatever it's leaked into, and it's leaked into this room.
Cat [to Rimmer]: What is it?
Rimmer: It's singularity, a point in the universe where the normal laws of space and time don't apply.
Cat [to Lister]: What is it?
Lister: It's a hole back into the past.
Cat: Oh, a magic door! Well, why didn't you say?

"We have a problem in the cockpit"
"The cockpit?! What is it?"
"It's the little room at the front of the plane where the pilots sit but that's not important right now"

From Kingpin.

You just shut up, mister!
l don't know who you think you are..but if you don't wiggle those
childbearing hips out that door...you're going to find your nose
sniffing my big Amish ass!

Loads of great one liners in that movie

More airplane:

Ted Striker: I flew single engine fighters in the Air Force, but this plane has four engines. It's an entirely different kind of flying altogether.
Rumack, Randy: [together] It's an entirely different kind of flying.

Rumack: I won't deceive you, Mr. Striker. We're running out of time.
Ted Striker: Surely there must be something you can do.
Rumack: I'm doing everything I can... and stop calling me Shirley!

Captain Flasheart:

"Treat your kite like you treat your woman... Get inside her five times a day and take her to Heaven and back!"

Snatch:

[i]Should I call you bullet ?, tooth?.[/i]
[i]You can call me Susan if it makes you happy ![/i]

Avi.
[i]I'm gettin' heartburn. Tony, do something terrible.[/i]

Tony.
[i]Boris the Blade? As in Boris the Bullet-Dodger?[/i]
Avi.
[i]Why do they call him the Bullet-Dodger?[/i]
Tony.
[i]'Cause he dodges bullets, Avi[/i]

.
Vinny.
[i]I thought you said he was a getaway driver. What the **** can he get away from, eh?[/i]

And the scene with Boris stepping around in the street, hands tied with a teacosy on his head, was quite funny.

"Treat your kite like you treat your woman... Get inside her five times a day and take her to Heaven and back!"

I watched that particular episode with my Mum and I remember going bright red and looking at the floor when my Mum caught me laughing at that.

Must have been 10yrs old when it came out/shown on tv.

G.W. Bush:

"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."

and:

"They misunderestimated me."

No Monty Python yet?

From Life of Brian:

Man: I think it was, "Blessed are the cheesemakers"!
Gregory's wife: What's so special about the cheesemakers?
Gregory: Well, obviously it's not meant to be taken literally. It refers to any manufacturers of dairy products.

Cracks me up everytime 😀

More Snatch:

Avi: London.
Rosebud: London?
Avi: London.
Avi's Colleague: London?
Avi: Yes, London. You know: fish, chips, cup 'o tea, bad food, worse weather, Mary f*cking Poppins... LONDON.

Oh, it's MEEK. Blessed are the meek!

Aww, that's nice, isn't it? They have a hell of a time.

In fact, basically the entire script of Snatch.

Just reading a quotes page and psml 🙂

Tyrone:
I don't want that dog dribbling on my seats.
Vinny:
Your seats? Tyrone, this is a stolen car, mate.

How shall we **** off O Lord?

Eric Morcombe to Andre Previn:
"I'm playing all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order"

Thin Blue Line.

"Remember, it's your c0ck up; my ar53!"

Here is the clip for Seinfeld 'The Contest'

Kramer is genius.

[url=

No Father Ted yet?

Dont' forget Lock Stock:

Rory breaker:
[i]Your stupidity must be your one saving grace[/i]

Nick the greek:
[i]Uh?[/i]

Rory:
[i]Don't "uh" me Greek boy! How is it that your ****ing stupid, soon-to-be-dead friends thought they might be able to steal my cannabis and then sell it back to me? Is this a declaration of war? Is this some white c**t's joke that black c**ts don't get? 'Cause Im not ****ing laughing Ni-ko-las![/i]

another.
Soap:
[i]A little bit of pain never hurt anybody, if you know what I mean.[/i]

Bacon:
[i]Harry didn't think that he did a very good job, so he grabbed the nearest thing to hand, which just so happened to be a 15 inch black rubber c**k, and proceeded to beat poor old Smithy to death with. And that was seen as a nice way to go. Now, that, is why you pay Hatchet Harry, when you owe.[/i]

And one of my favs.

Nick the Greek:
[i]Just get me a sample.[/i]
Tom:
[i]No can do[/i]
Nick the Greek:
[i]What's that? Some place near Katmandu? Meet me halfway, mate.[/i]

And loads more.

Christ how can I forget Lockstock.

If you're being chased by a police dog, don't run over a little see-saw, through a tunnel and jump through a hoop of fire - they train for that.

and

I used to be a forensic pathologist. I thought I was looking at a snowman massacre. Turned out it was a carrot field.

Milton Jones

My wife was in the attic the other day. Filthy dirty and covered with cobwebs but she's good with the kids.

My wife wanted a face lift. They couldn’t do it, so for £20 they lowered the rest of her body.

Tommy Cooper

From Dodgeball

Lance : Quit? You know, once I was thinking of quitting when I was diagnosed with brain, lung and testicular cancer all at the same time. But with the love and support of my friends and family, I got back on the bike and won the Tour de France 5 times in a row. But I'm sure you have a good reason to quit. So what are you dying of that's keeping you from the finals?

Peter LaFleur : Right now it feels a little bit like shame.

Funniest thing on this thread is still Eric Morecambe and the ambulance

There's a show I've been following lately called 'Better Off Ted', which is just brilliant for snappy dialogue. Here's the synopsis from IMDB:

Veridian Dynamics is a large corporation that invents, tests and markets everything from deadly pumpkins to beef that tastes like despair. Ted works there as a manager. He's a good and sane man in a heartless--and often insane--corporate environment. The comedy in this series comes from seeing just how insane work at Veridian can be and the hoops Ted jumps through to keep the insanity in check.

Each episode begins with a commercial for Veridian Dynamics, parodies of commercials put out by real world corporations. These commercials are so biting--and funny--one wonders who would dare advertise on a show like this. Portia De Rodsi steals the show as Ted's boss, Veronica, who embodies all that is beautiful, perfect, devious and heartless at Veridian. Veronica is the kind of woman who likes having Ted's young daughter around, because her presence makes it easier for Veronica to fire people.

The show never lets you get too comfortable, and that's a good thing. It is brilliant, hysterically funny and original, so much so that it's a wonder it hasn't been taken off the air . . . yet. Catch it while you can.

"I'm Brian and so is my wife"

"He's not the messiah, he's a very naughty boy"

And for so many classic Blackadder lines...
http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Blackadder

Perry: "Look up idiot in the dictionary, know what you'll find?"

Harry: "A picture of me?"

Perry: "No, a definition of the word idiot, which you ****ing are!"

Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang, Val Kilmer and Robert Downey Jr.

"We'll have to get him to hospital"

"A hospital, why, what is it?"

"It's a big building full of patients. But that's not important right now....."

And Edward Woodward is the only man with three wooden heads.

"Edward Woodward? Sounds like a fart in the bath"
John Gielgud

WorldClassAccident

Bloke to ugly woman - Did you used to be a man?
Reply - No, did you?

That would also be taken from Aliens, between Hicks(?) and Vasquez. Who is hot.

Hicks - Hey Vasquez; have you ever been mistaken for a man?
Vasquez - No, have you?

Laurel & Hardy, "Sons of the Desert"

Oli has a fever and chills and sits with his feet in a hot bath while Stan takes his temperature with what he thinks it a thermometer:

Oli: "Well! What does it say?"

.
.
.
.
.

Stan (looking puzzled): "Wet and windy"

Another one from the boys:

Stan in 'Brats':

'You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead!'

[img] [/img]

"It's been emotional."

Blazing Saddles - the entire movie!

Shooter McGavin: "I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast"

Happy Gilmore: "You eat pieces of shit for breakfast??"

"what from here"

Biscuit Pwered, that's one of my all time favourites.

Morecambe and Wise:

"I'm playing all the right notes.......just not necessarily in the right order".