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Dr P – your story sounds very similar to how my parents were for most of my childhood. Dad was into his running and my mum resented it. As far as I remember, my dad contributed massively to the family and there was no question running was a second, but important part of his life. There was always a tension in the house as a result. It probably got worse as we got older (teenagers) and my dad started to do activities with the kids at the weekend which my mum didn’t participate in.
All I was going to add, is it’s worth thinking about how this is affecting the kids.
Interesting post. Is there anything you would have liked your Dad to have done differently?
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@ vickypea - No it wasn't directed at you. Just an observation from within my own circles and what I've witnessed over the years.
It's a sad situation people are under such pressure to look as though everything they do is successful and become isolated from real help. They look around and think everyone else is doing it right and/or they are frightened of ridicule and/or embarrassment.
People, with the odd exception of course, aren't open enough about these things, even within families.
So you win races without training, your wife is smoking hot and you actually have sex... Verses has it #humblebrag
😉
In response to Steve's "Interesting post. Is there anything you would have liked your Dad to have done differently?"
That's a great question. In all honesty, no. If he'd been more forceful I guess it would have ended up with me having divorced parents. He did the best he knew how to keep stuff together. He genuinely wasn't responsible for my mum's happiness. I wish she'd have worked out stuff sooner so they could have got to where they are now but while the family was younger.
No public linen airing from me, but maybe we'll have a chat at the BBB, DrP..
Having had more arguments than I can ever recall (although my wife can!) I can honestly say that more sex was the solution. It's base I know but it really does make her less hostile towards my hobbies and interests.
Not saying it's the end to strife but it seems to keep her on my side. Pulling my weight when needed also keeps the piece.
After reading the whole thread, I think chestercopperpot has it.
This 21st obsession with being 'happy' 24/7 isn't natural. It's impossible to be happy all the time. We have to have the lows to appreciate the highs.
This is why (some) slebs end up with a mucked up, drug/drink fuelled life. They have so many happy and 'high' moments, that they're constantly striving for the next.
You have answered your own question about being a fixer. Women aren't very good at taking advice from their other half and tend to listen to female friends. Try and put yourself in your wife's shoes.
This is just a blip in your life atm, you'll work through it. Everything else is in place.
>Try and put yourself in your wife’s shoes.
That's really bad for your feet.
Glad it not just my Mrs then who doesn't take advice from their other halves ..... oh but if a friend suggests something it must be gospel.... 🙂
It's all fun and games... wouldn't have it any other way.
We bicker like cat and dog, but I don't see that as a problem. if you can't have a pop as your nearest and dearest who can you? ... If it starts getting out of hand in our house, it normally means we haven't had sex in a while..... OP you says it's all good in that dept, so maybe your making a mountain out of a mole hill.
Rather than trying to fix her underlining issue... how about looking at your own? You want praise for winning some silly race .... are you seven?
Men have had past times to get out of the house for time immemorial .... (pigeon fancying FFS, now those fellas must really dislike their wives).... and wives have rolled their eyes at their men's antics for just as long.
Get over it ...really no one cares but your race results... there is nothing more boring than someone else's hobbies... we all know a golf bore.
You are keeping fit, having your own fun and setting a great example to your kids.... that's all the reason you need to continue.
But may I suggest running .... shoes on, out the door, decent workout/training, back and showered ready to look after the kids in about an hour. She'll not even notice you've gone half the time.
And... And .... if you are training for a marathon somehow this is alright... you'll get as much time as you reasonably want.. well that's how it played out in my house.
Good luck
"Are you both happy with your sex life?"
hers or mine?
this thread is such a bummer. i can relate to some aspects here. good luck to the OP.
Rather than trying to fix her underlining issue… how about looking at your own? You want praise for winning some silly race …. are you seven?
In a really honest way, "thank you!". This is kind of why I posted here..it's nice to NOT jsut surround yourself in an echo chamber of confirmative self pity.. I think you ARE right in a way...
I'm likely just feeling a bit sorry for myself, and selfishly focussing on MY losses here...
This is just a blip in your life atm, you’ll work through it. Everything else is in place.
Like all things, a bit of time and some flowers, and re-focussing attention on us/her, should see things right.
I was chatting to my son the other day (He's 8) when we were waiting at the top of the slide at the swimming pool - i suggested we wait for 'mum and his sister' so we can all go down together. He said that wasn't fair as he's at the top now. I said to him "that's right, that's not fair - we ARE worse off. But it's nice to wait for them. Sometimes we jsut have to accept we are worse off, in order to do nice things together".
I'm not sure if i was talking to him or me......
Cheers again...
I'll probably reply to other threads as my usualy jolly old self... don't judge me for that....
DrP
You want praise for winning some silly race …. are you seven?
<span style="font-size: 0.8rem;">My missus is just about to finish the Camino on a bike including riding 40 miles at 5000 feet in a blizzard in april - would it be stupid of me to praise her for this as she is just being needy? Should i tell her to grow up?</span>
DrP .... Glad my tough love hit the right note .... It's only given through my own very similar experience ... 🙂
Junky ... Mid-life crisis rubbish is still mid-life crisis rubbish no matter the sex.
I'm really not that impressed with her "accomplishment" and far less with yours for being married to her..... But like I said aye? ... the things we do get away from the other half ... don't tell me, her other hobby is pigeon fancying 🙂
Try patting your wife on the top of the head saying " never mind dear" then when she gets a bit narky try saying " you are cute when you are angry"
Works for me
I’m really not that impressed with her “accomplishment” and far less with yours for being married to her…
WTF... Am i misreading that or are you being properly harsh here ?
you are not misreading it at all it was deliberate but why feed the troll? A cycling tour is a midlife crisis on a cycling forum how desperate [ and dumb] is that ? 🙂
… don’t tell me, her other hobby is pigeon fancying
Marvellous! I hope she at least does this on occasion 😀
re-reading some of these responses, in the light of a recent situation (no, not the speeding ticket) and wondering on people's thoughts and whether they mirror my own.
One of my wife's friends has been diagnosed with breast cancer. It's only a small lump, very treatable, she's had it taken out and is having follow up treatment (i think radiotherapy) today. My wife has gone with her because
- her husband isn't very good with this sort of stuff and not 'coping' very well
- she'd rather have her friend there with her than her husband.
I know it's very much a 'in their shoes' situation and maybe (hopefully) I'll never know whether I'd cope with it, but I'd be damned if I didn't try, and I'd be mortified if in a situation like this, if I wasn't the person she'd want to support her on this. Which as I say made me re-read this and think, through all the good and the bad, the arguments, the times when i thought we were done - would my wife ever not have been the person I'd turn to and vice versa.
And if you can't say without a moment's hesitation that yes, there's no-one you'd want by your side more..... then set to work.
The rest - is just details.
fair point Jon but the other thing is you cannot be everything for your partner - we all have strengths and weaknesses but you should be each others best friend
[i]tjagain wrote:[/i]
Try patting your wife on the top of the head saying ” never mind dear” then when she gets a bit narky try saying ” you are cute when you are angry”
Works for me
Video or it didn't happen
Oh .... sorry to burst the bubble gents ..... Our sport/hobby/interest is just a past time.
Don't take it or yourselves so serious.
I did a 100 mile run last year ... so what .... I like running, so did it for a long while ??
Lady likes riding her bike, so does it for a long time.... Honestly good for her, hope she enjoyed herself.
Edit ... my point is undoubtedly more eloquently put by Theother..... Facing life's unexpected crisis calmly, bravely and maybe with grace is a real accomplishment ... these other things ... races/ challenges are mere baubles ...
We should be so lucky to be able to do them.
Too long, didnt read all of it aside from establishing that:
Your wife needs to be getting her endorphins.
She probably resents how easily you can pop out and get yours
Its not about you spending family time togther, you need to facilitate her getting free time to do what she wants without you telling her or suggesting what she can do.
Family time still involves her being with the kids.. Seems she needs a break from them
So, take the kids somewhere.. just you. Give her some down time. Make it a routine so she identifies where she can get some of her life back.
This is something i also need to work much harder on!
Make time for some for intimacy too..not just once the kids are in bed but when theybare botneven a thought (whenntheybare out @school, daycare, @grandparents) it helps 😉 it might have to start with couple time/date night though or itll end in another arguement if you ask for a game of hide the sausage right off the bat.
[i]Ro5ey wrote:[/i]
Rather than trying to fix her underlining issue… how about looking at your own? You want praise for winning some silly race …. are you seven?
What's wrong with people on here? No, that or doing the Camino in a blizzard isn't that important in the grand scheme of things - but you know what, if you look at it in those terms my whole life and yours is utterly inconsequential. These are the sort of things which make us people, and I'd certainly be excited by somebody I loved doing well at something they enjoy and is an important part of their lives. Exactly what is important enough to take seriously in your world?
No, I'm sure he doesn't want praising as if he's seven, but being positive about other people's accomplishments is a normal part of being an empathic human being. Heck, I even tend to congratulate people I'm not in love with (even those I have no sexual interest in at all) when they successfully complete a difficult climb or learn to do something new on their skates. Maybe you've never tried that, so don't appreciate that it's a win/win and that reinforced positivity makes the world so much happier a place than just putting other people down.
Oh, and congratulations on your contributions to this thread 😉
being positive about other people’s accomplishments is a normal part of being an empathic human being.
Absolutely !! But when I cone on here I have to constantly remind myself how many "non normal" posters there are.
But a great thread on the whole. Lot's of insight into problems I've have had in my own marriage. STW at its best 😁
Blimey! Quite startling how many posts sound like how my Wife and i seem to be going.
She always says that she doesn't mind me riding or doing any other hobby/activity but the sulky reaction says otherwise.
She will not argue or dicuss about things either. She just goes quiet and bottles stuff up.
A lot of the time it's not even stuff for myself, but jobs around the house or garden - stuff I'd really rather not be doing, but it still gets the same reaction.
My wife has no hobbies and all attempts to get her into something has failed over the years. She will quite happily spend the whole evening watching crap on TV playing rubbish games on her phone while jobs around the house never get done. If I go off and do something productive it winds her up and she seems to begrudge it.
I've had loads of failed interests over the years which I never even get started with like woodworking, wheelbuilding, teaching myself electronics etc. and with regards to cycling I never seem to get past frustratingly unfit because I can't spend enough time riding and all my bikes are always on the edge of being complete wrecks because maintenance is another one of those things that gets huffed and puffed at.
Ho hum...
Divorce
Yeah 👍
Or I was going to say “shudda married a man” 🕴🕺💋😜
Pastime. Not past time.
My wife & I go through cycles of grumpiness, sniping at each other & then making up with each other.
16 years of marriage so I guess it’s worked ok so far. There are times I get really wound up with her & I’m sure the opposite is true. When you spend so much of your life together I reckon it’s only to be expected.
My wife & I go through cycles
You're on the right forum.
