I took a girl called Ruth for a ride on my motorbike once.
As I pulled away from the lights a bit sharpish, she fell off the back.
I didn't go back and pick her up though.
I just rode on ruthlessly.
My mate Paddy was among the rioters who ransacked Argos in Manchester last night...he's got 500 catalogues if you want one
The last time I told this joke on here someone corrected me, but I'm going to tell it again anyway.
A man walks into a pub
*clang*
It was an iron pub
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Not a joke, but this always makes me smile.
I had a racing snail once.
It was really slow and always lost.
I thought I'd help make it faster by removing its shell and painting it gloss black.
But that just made it even more sluggish.
Why did Nick Clegg cross the road?
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Because he said he wouldn't
1. Was having a w*nk the other day and my gran caught me. She was so shocked that she had a stroke. Couldn't believe how soft her hands were
😆
Was having a w*nk the other day and my gran caught me.
Always a surprise when they wake up
today I looked out on the destruction. Smashed windows, cars turned upside down, a bus on fire, people running scared, police unsure what move to make. . . . I turned to the missus and said 'Chin up darling, you did your best, but maybe I should park the car!'
about 3 years ago I was sitting at home when I heard a knock at the door. i opened the door and see a snail on the porch. I pick up the snail and throw it as far as I can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. I open it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"
me & the missus were sitting in the living room and i said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." So she unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer....
My first job was delivering filofaxes for the Mafia. I was involved in very organised crime.
Saw this new barbers in Camberley and thought it funny they spelt anus wrong 🙂
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Always a surprise when they wake up
😆
I saw a magic tractor the other day.
It turned into a field.
The Liverpool FC manager flies to Kabul to watch a Young Afghani play football, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool . The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says. 'I played for 20 minutes today. We were 4-0 down but I scored 5 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'
'Wonderful,' says his mum. 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters. All this happened to us while you were having such a great time.'
The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, I'm really sorry.'
'Sorry?! Sorry?!' says his mum, 'It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!'