Police have warned the public to be on the look out for a Muslim man and a rodent with an eye patch who are on the loose.
The Public are advised not to approach the pair if they are seen as they're Ahmed and Dangermouse.
The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street.
As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye.
"Just Released: New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now!"
Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.
"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."
"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."
The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.
Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."
"I'm sorry sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."
The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.
Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head.
"I don't understand it," he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"
"I'm terribly sorry, sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step into the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes."
Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth.
Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated.
"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP."
"I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant. "I've just realised I was playing you the bee side."
A guy goes to the doctor. "Doctor," he says. "I need your help. I think I'm a moth."
"I can't help you, " says the doctor. "I'm just a general practitioner. You need a psychiatrist."
"Well, I was on the way to the psychiatrist," says the guy, "but then I saw your light was on..."
A farmer is leaning on a gate watching his dog lick its nether regions.
A townie walks up,leans on the gate and joins him in warching the dog.
After a few minutes the townie sighs and says "I wish I could do that."
The farmer looks at the townie and replies "I'm sure be would let you if you gave him a biscuit."
I was in China last year. I wasn't having any luck with the ladies, then I found a book called How To Woo, so I bought it thinking it might help me with my seduction techniques.
Turns out it was just Volume 2 of the Chinese phone book...
Cougar's on a roll (missed vocation me thinks).
A policeman stopped a mate of mine for speeding and says he's going to give him a ticket.
My mate, ever the wag, says "oh goody, is it a raffle?"
"Sort of, sir," replies the copper, "three more of these and you get a push bike."
Two blokes in a graveyard pass each other, walking their dogs.
First bloke says to the second: 'Morning...'
Second bloke replies: 'No, I'm just here walking the dog.'
A man crashed his mountain bike, died, and went to heaven.
As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man. He looks closer and spots a clock which is set at midnight. "whose clock is that?" he asks.
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Amazing." says the man. "Hey listen, I used to be a keen cyclist, and I was wondering... could I see Lance Armstrong's clock?"
"Sorry mate, that's off limits. We keep Armstrong's clock in Jesus's office, he uses it as a ceiling fan."
😆
These are brightening up my meetings no end!
Last day before a few weeks off and these are cheering me up no end.. 😀
Bloke is walking down the road and sees an advert in a shop window for a cock sucking frog. He gives it a test run and, fully satisfied, takes it home to his wife who asks "What am I supposed to do with that?"
"Teach it to cook and then **** off."
Yorkshire man takes his ill cat to the vet. He says to him:
"Got problem wit' cat"
Vet: "Is he a tom?"
Man: "No, he's here in't basket".
I'm here all week, try the fish. Don't forget to tip your waitress.
Mildly embarrassed to say that I properly lol'd at the OP, in the office.
warton - MemberTwo chaps meet in the street. One produces, from his trouser pocket, a rather poorly-looking octopus and hands it over, saying, "here's the sick squid I owe you!"
that doesn't even work. for it to be remotely funny it needs to be set in the ocean.
annebr, it's supposed to be '6 quid'
nah I meant the hairy lip squid. 😕
for annebr @45s as it gets stripped off the URL for some reason
A Scotsman and his wife walked past a s****y new restaurant.
"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "It's Incredible!"
Being a 'kind-hearted Scotsman', he thought, "What the heck..., I'll treat her!
So, they walked past it again...
I remember the punch line to the Duran Duran joke, infact it's how I sing the song, but I couldn't recall the rest of the joke. Thanks!
This one's for "Torminalis", mostly.
A bloke comes home and finds his wife laughing her head off.
When he asks what gives, she says "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery."
He says "Great. Where are we going?"
So she says:
"What do you mean, [i]we[/i]"...
Now that one works better with
"Pack your bags, I've won the lottery."
"What do I pack? winter clothes, summer clothes?"
"Just pack the lot and **** off."
"kayak23 - Member
Timeless classic. Well done.
POSTED 1 WEEK AGO # REPORT-POST"
Shirley the fairy liquid gag has a pretty defined timeframe: when they stopped using the slogan or when people stopped doing washing up by hand, whichever came first?
two guys walking past a pub and one says look at this sign pint pastie and blowjob £4 lets go and investigate they go into pub and and theres a goegues busty blonde behind the bar cani help she says just saw the sign in the window thats right she says offer to get punters in here hmmm bloke says who gives the blow job me says fit busty blonde
struggling to get £4 out of his pocket as fast as he can his mate pipes up hold on a minute i have a question yes sure what is it say busty blonde guy asks is it a ginsters pastie
Comedy is all about [s]timing[/s] punctuation...
😀Comedy is all about timing punctuation...
Ooh, ooh, I've written a joke just for you! copyright and all that....
"God says to Noah, "Noah, the world is full of evil. I intend to flood it and drown everything on it. Only your family will be spared. I want you to build an ark and fill it with two of every kind of animal."
Noah says, "Yes, Lord!" But secretly he's a bit peed off because he wanted to go mountain biking. So he leaves building the ark until the last minute, and what with fettling his bike and so on it ends up a bit of a rush job.
Well, the storm clouds are gathering so he starts rounding up two of every kind of animal and herding them onto his ramshackle ark. On they go, two by two, except for the gorillas. They are about to embark but one of them takes a look at the state of the vessel, jumps onto Noah's mountain bike and pedals off.
"Where's he going?" Noah's wife (Nellie) asks the other gorilla.
"Oh, he's just realised," the Gorilla replies, "Noah's Ark is worse than his bike!"
Comedy is all about [s]timing [/s]punctuation...
Just what I was about to write!
for the op [img] 
[/img] 😀
A bear needs to take shit in the woods so he goes behind a tree to make his deposit, a rabbit appears from around the tree and ask what he's doing.. The bears replies with "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" "No" says the Rabbit. So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his arse with it.
i dont want to start any rumours but i think mav12 once helped his uncle jack off a horse
😉
[img] 
[/img]
that is wrong. either uncle shouldn't be capitalized or the commas are redundant
A fine punchline if you know a bit about the American countryside:
"Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars."
Can never remember the rest of the damn joke though.
A penguin takes his car to the garage for repairs to the engine and is asked to come back in an hour. He goes off for a walk and it's a warm day so he soon over heats. On his walk back to the garage he sees an ice cream van so he gets a double cone to help him cool down.
He arrives back at the garage and the mechanic says "looks like you've blown a seal mate", "no that's just ice cream" says the penguin.
I saw a 2ft wooden box in a junk shop the other day with a voice coming out of it foretelling the future so I bought it for £3.
Solid it two days later at auction for £5 - I knew there was a little profit in it.
i woke up yesterday with lots of little golden discs all over me
i soon realised i had ebolacornflakes
i woke up today with a round black thing on my head
i soon realised i had ebolahat
tomorrow i am going to wake feeling sweaty with red stuff poring out of my head
i will soon realise i have ebolasoup
No way I can filter this properly for here: http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/o6zod/the_tourettes_pianist/
someone roll out the native american trigonometry joke for me ey?
So the Indian chief made love to his three wives. The first he slept with on a buffalo hide, and she later gave birth to a son.
The second he slept with on a zebra pelt, and she also gave birth to a son.
The third, he slept with on a hippo skin, and she gave him twin boys.
Which goes to show, the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides.
(that one?)
yup, but i heard it as a visiting chief buying wives, 'why's that one more expensive?' etc.
The past, present and future were all in a bar. It was tense.
