We’re making Christmas crackers for an adult audience and there’s no way I’m putting my name to any of the sort of jokes that you normally get. I need some inspiration, so please give me your best cracker one liners.

Nothing is too rude/offensive (sorry moderators!), but if it’s a Christmas themed joke then all the better. The audience are the sort of people that like to play ‘Cards Against Humanity’, watch Bill Burr or Jim Jeffries and don’t have children.

“Took my wife out last night. One punch!”
“Only two things smell of fish…”
Etc.

How do snowmen leave the EU? They trigger Icicle 50

One snowman says to his friend, “Can you smell carrots?”.
Not really what I’m looking for…

Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend off the wall? Because he wanted to see her crack.

Basically anything that will leave a boring old aunt grasping for her inhaler is what I’m after.

Step away from the keyboard…….

What’s pink and dusty
……no, I won’t…….

You might be better taking this thread across to mumsnet. Goodness knows what you would get there. Anyone (not) got a login?

Or just hit up Reddit?
Example.

Wish I hadn’t clicked that link – a bit of me just died inside!

I man walks into a pub
‘Ouch’
It was an iron pub.

Thanks drlex. Kind of what I was looking for, if a little harsh…

What’s green and eats nuts? Syphilis!

Why didn’t the England football team visit Santa at the North Pole?

They couldn’t get past Iceland.

Dog walks into a bar.

Barman says, “pint is it then, sir?”

Dog replies, “no thanks, I’ll just have ‘arf.”

Thanks smudget666!
It’s a bit like,
What winks and shags like a tiger?

My favourite is;

Q. What do you give the man who has everything

A. Antibiotics

Which side of a Chicken has the most feathers?

The outside.

I read that masturbating with a dead arm was more pleasurable, so I tried it. Ruined the funeral apparently.

I got a bottle of tequila for the wife this xmas…

…sounds like a fair swap!

Just spent 2 hours at my wife’s grave

Bless her. She thinks i’m digging a pond

I did that trick the the last Christmas I spent with my now-ex in-laws.
Q: What do you call a policewoman who got a brazilian 2 weeks ago?
A: Constable.
My ex M-i-L was horrified, my ex F-i-L nearly gave himself a hernia trying not to laugh.

What did Kermit the frog say when Jim Henson died?

Nothing.

Knock Knock

Who’s there?

What’s the difference between herpes and true love?
Herpes is forever.

We got divorced and split the house.
She got the inside and I got the outside.

What was the name of Elton John’s tribute song to Mother Theresa?
Sandals in the bin.

What’s the difference between oral and anal?
One can make your whole day but the other makes your whole week.

What do you call a policewoman who had a Brazilian wax two weeks ago?

Constable.

I man walks into a pub bar
‘Ouch’
It was an iron pub bar.

😉

No it was definitely a pub

What kind of cheese isn’t yours?

Nacho cheese!

Who’s there?

I like Peter Kay’s old stand-up joke:

Grandad, can you make a noise like a frog? ‘Cos mum says when you croak we’re going to Florida.