Overheard a couple of junkies talking to each other on the bus today. They were talking about how their dogs had started shagging each other up the arse. They went on to say that it was perfectly natural and that the best way to stop any resultant bleeding was to stick a pinkie up the dog’s arse.

Years ago, maybe 2000, I worked in a pub whilst going through college.
One Sunday before the lunch shift, we were all sitting having a coffee and a chat. The chef pointed out this story in the sun about a couple who had been found guiltily in court. She was guilty of letting the family dog bone her, while he was guilty of filming the proceedings.

We were all discussing how sick and wrong this was, one lad (who was the most camp person you could meet, which added to the hilarity) turned around and quite seriously said;

“I wonder if the dog enjoyed it?”

Ah the joys of other people. The more I hear the more I want to relocate to a desert island.

On a bus sitting behind two 12 year old girls. One says to the other: “Do you usually swallow or spit it out?”

My strangest was heard by 4 of us leaving Bar Gaudi in Leicester one night, and as far as we could reconstruct outside went thus:
Her: why are you angry?
Him: you know why!
Her: no! Tell me!
Him: I’m angry because the house is full of fruit! I can’t get in my room because it’s full or effing mangos!

W, and indeed TF?

Bus conversation… Wasted-looking chav couple up the back. Girlfriend is carrying the conversation, boyfriend occasionally makes grunting noises.

“Oh man you shouldnae ha done all thae jellies, you look well ****ed”
<ug>
“Oh my wee soldier! Ah’ll get you home, you’ll soon be fine.”
<ug>
“Poor you” <to rest of bus> “He’s no well!”

and so on… Eventually, boyfriend shows his agreement by throwing up all over the floor. Bus driver is not happy.

“No man, I’m really sorry, he’s just no well, look, you can see he’s no well, dinnae chuck us aff, I’ve goat to get him home, it’s no far”

Bus driver eventually says OK, carries on, not happy. We get up to Wester Hailes, driver comes back to kick them off. Boyfriend is unresponsive on the grounds that he’d died while she chatted away to him 😐

2 blokes in a cafe getting louder and louder…

“give me my quid back”

“no”

“give me my quid back”

“no”

“just give me my quid back”

“No, **** off!”

“For **** sake I need that, give us it back!”

“I’ll give you your **** quid back when you give my little sister her **** virginity back…”

How we all laughed!

The ones in my head scare me the most…

Was in the boozer a few months ago in town waiting to be served and overhead this guy talking to 2 girls.

“of all my cousins, you’re the one I’d love to f*ck” came the cry.

How we laughed.

Northwind, that’s pretty sad and poigniant.

There’s a gentleman in Rjuken who overheard two very drunk brits discuss the design and construction of a catapult for flinging flaming badgers at ones enemies.

To be fair, I’d just climbed my first WI 5 and my mate is a lightweight 😳

Also, I overheard two lads on a bus “I was well impressed, I pulled it out and it was still clean, no sh*t or sweetcorn or nothing” 😯

I have a habit of walking into a conversation in the middle.

Walked over to a mate who ex Royal Artillery as he was saying “that’s when we accidentally blew up a field of cows”

Favourite was coming back from the bar after a ride to a friend saying ” and they found this girls body under my brothers bed. He did his time and now he is a monk” completely missed the start of that anecdote!

Walking down the road in Cheltenham many years ago from two very country looking gents:

And the Duke said: “Good God you’re not going to have him castrated!”

From my mate’s Facebook…

Genuinely overheard this in the changing rooms:

“I robbed dis yute’ hat and sold it for £25. If I want it I take it bruv…’ere let me see your chest fam, you are cut bruv!”

“Nah man, I you got more meat on your chest, you got a better body”