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Something happened to me today and it's had a profound effect on me!

97 posts & 42 voices | Started 2 years ago by brack | Latest reply from Kramer

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brack - Member

Just want to share this with you.

Both my father and I have never really seen eye to eye. Nohing I have ever done has been worthy of his praise.

He grew up in a hard environment with both of his parents failing to show him any love. He has been unable to break this and in turn has passed this lack of affection on to both my brother and I. We haven't really spoken since I was 15 and I am now 38.

A lifetime of wanting to get close but being pushed away has lead me to be very confrontational whenever I have seen them, we have had some major arguments. Yet we are still a family that is close in every sense of the word - other than face to face( does that make sense)??

Just recently we have been starting to piece things together and I have just spent the last few days with my parents...no arguments.

Today ( I am a first response Paramedic)

I was called to a chap who the same age as my father had collapsed whilst out with his wife. He was normally fit and well and had the rest of his retirement ahead of him.

We tried in vain to save him - his wife on scene all the time reminding me of my mother and quite surrealy I felt as if I was witnessing the death of my father and my mothers anguish and feelings of loss.I felt out of body and looking down at a future event.

The ambulance departed.

I got in my response car......to head to the hospital

Turn on the radio....what is playing?

Mike and the Mechanics - Living years

Jeez....came home and just broke down.

Posted 2 years ago #
CaptainFlashheart - Member

I am a first response Paramedic

And I raise my glass to your efforts. Thank you. You did what you could in an intense situation. Something few of us could imagine.

Thank you, once more.

Posted 2 years ago #
breakneckspeed - Member

Wow catharsis from crisis - kinda cool in a hard way

Posted 2 years ago #
fadda - Member

Brack,

I can't say i had similar problems, my Dad and I were pretty close. But when he got ill, it somehow spurred me to go home more often, do stuff with him etc, and I'll treasure that time forever. FWIW, please try all you can to mend things with your Dad. Then, as long as you can truly say that you did all you can to fix it, you won't have regrets later.

Not really sure why I'm driven to urge you to do this, but for both of your sake's, it's has to be worth trying everything you can, hasn't it...?

Posted 2 years ago #
brack - Member

23 yrs of not crying....it's flooding out tonight!

Posted 2 years ago #
doctornickriviera - Member

yeah, mike and the mechanics are crap. their durge makes me blub every time It comes onm the radio!

Posted 2 years ago #
Smee - Blocked

I was going to write a big long post about how I went through a similar relationship with my dad, but wont bother. You know what you want to do or you wouldn't have shared this with us. He wont be around forever and you cant make your peace with him when he's no longer here.

Posted 2 years ago #
project - Member

Well really interesting, but ive always thought that as we go through life,we experience other peoples sad and good times,and only sometimes do we sit back and think their life so mirrors mine, and we are thankful it wasnt our turn just yet, but every day that turn may come.

You did your best and did the job you where trained for, and if it brings you and your family closer together, all the best for that.

Just talk to your parents, or just show them your original post and leave it with them.If like me theyre now trying to stop crying,then it was worth it, now wheres the hankies.

Posted 2 years ago #
zaskar - Inactive

I heard the same song on radio 2 today.

Me and my Dad still argue but still give each other a big hug when we Hi or bye as we live 200 miles apart.

I do worry about his age and it bothers me as I never get to see him-maybe 3 times a year.

Make up with him and him with you, life is too short and then you're dead.

Posted 2 years ago #
ton - Member

i am having a hard time with my son at the moment.
he became a dad 2 month ago aged 17. his girlfriend was 17 too.
when we found out she was pregnant, which was when she was 4 months gone i hit the roof, bigtime.
all the usual stuff, is it yours, are you sure, tell her to get rid....
i was out of order, but this was my son who had not had a gf prior.
well obviusly he told here all my outburst, and she told her family.
so from that day to the baby being born we did not see his gf.

now since the baby was born we have seen her 4 times for 1 hour each time.
it is a terrible atmosphere when they come, my mrs gets upset...blah blah
my lad live with us, she with her mum dad and brother and sister.
i also work with my son, and all the time i am very very angry with him.
not only for what he has done, but for what is still happening, us not seeing the baby, my side of the family not being involved, my mrs's side also.
i think it is his girlfriend being the one who is causing it, he has not got a bad bone in his body..
i have apologised to them both andto her parents for my outburst..
i used to ride with my son, beento all the trail centers with him, but now nothing, i can barely be bothered to talk to him.
all i do at work is shout at him to do stuff.
i know i am being a cock, but i cant help it.
i think he is scared to tell the girl that we should be seeing them, i think that he thinks she will use the baby as a bargaining tool.

sorry to the op for my hijack...

Posted 2 years ago #
Drac - Moderator

Let it out Brack don't be ashamed. I had a rough time last year with various things and it all came to ahead when I got a call for a woman only a few years older than me that had collapsed and died as she was about to wave her daughter away in a limo hired for her 16th birthday, she was still there with all her friends. Hit me hard it was an accumulation of things that and I have 2 young daughters, it knocked me off for months and made other similar jobs hard to do.

Don't be afraid to talk to people, friends, relatives, colleagues or take up any support your Service offers. It taught me after 19 years it's ok to be human some times.

Posted 2 years ago #
SaboteurCherie - Member

Brack, my eyes welled up when I read your story. Thank you for sharing it with us. I never saw eye to eye with my folks either, but over the years I am coming to terms with the fact that my parents, like myself are flawed, and I should try to love and respect them as best as I can.

Unfortunately my parents and siblings live 8 hours on the plane away from me, and I only see them once every few years, its tough. I should really work harder to be able to visit them more....try to get on with them and be a good daughter.

*my thoughts are with you brack*

Posted 2 years ago #
cinnamon_girl - Member

ton - that sounds a terribly difficult situation for everyone concerned. All you and your wife can do is to be there for your son. I'm sure he will be upset cos you and your wife are upset, and really he is still a young adult. It's a huge responsibility having a baby obviously and your son will be worried for the future.

Perhaps his girlfriend is not getting support from her parents, she will also be worried about the future.

Can your wife talk to your son without you being there? Could your wife perhaps talk to the girlfriend, just the two of them?

I can't imagine how it must feel for you (and my offspring are adults) but they will need support from you and your wife. Whether they ask for it or not is another matter but just be there when they do.

Hang in there.

Posted 2 years ago #
bikerbruce - Member

I'm 17 nd really close to my dad and i'm not even ashamed to say that song makes me shed a tear.
Bruce

Posted 2 years ago #
NZCol - Member

A topic very dear to my heart as I pack a bag to get on a plane to fly to Scotland for my dads funeral. He died on Friday morning and its just starting to really hit me that he won't be there. People talk about not having regrets but i have a few. He was terminally ill (mesothelioma) and was obviously going to die but in recent months some sh1t had gone down within the family which resulted in me not really wanting to talk to him very much. I thought i had time. I didn't as it turns out and I'll go my grave not knowing a few things. That bothers me but its my own fckn fault for being stubborn. I won't dwell on it because I can't change this situation but i'll be making damn sure the rest of the family knows how much they mean to me. And apologies if you end up sitting beside me on a plane tonight, i can't gurantee i'll be chatty or in fact not blubbing away quietly

Posted 2 years ago #
sputnik - Member

Took me 30 years to tell my dad I love him. best thing I ever did. We got on before, but he was always away on bussiness when I was young and then I grew up , left house etc. Then one day I had a moment, saw we were the same, fighting alone against the world and I realized we had to join forces. Now we are best mates. Just go ahead and tell him.

Posted 2 years ago #
deadlydarcy - Member

brack...

I'm the same age as you. You know what, I wish I had a dad with whom I had a difficult relationship. Mine died when I was 14 going on 15. Everyone says, oh, what a shit time to lose your dad, but you know what, any time's a shit time and it's going to happen to us all. We are who we are because of (primarily genes, I know that much) what happens us in life and if he was alive, I wouldn't be sat here typing this out.

I have major personality traits that are there solely because I lost a father in my formative years. I crave the approval of fathers of my friends, girlfriends (well, I'm married now, but up until I met the current mrs d) without a second thought to the approval of their mothers. I'm not particularly driven but feel a constant need to prove myself worthy of god knows fckuing what. I'm not bitter about it (honest) and I'll happily talk about him with anyone who listens...it's no great taboo subject in my family. My sister, Mum and I talk about him all the time.

I never knew my dad as a "mate", y'know, someone I could have a beer with, shoot the shit, go and watch sports. He was always just a father figure and I know deep down, my knowledge of him as a person is driven by what I hear others tell me about him.

When I hear stories like yours, there are two thought processes. Firstly, I think..get the **** on with it and get to know your old man; find out what makes him tick and do it with him for a weekend and be his friend as well as his son. You'll never get the time back again. Secondly, I think what's happened you could easily have happened to me. I have my fathers traits and I'm not sure how well I'd get on with "me" (again, if you know what I mean)...we could easily have slipped into the relationship you have.

Fcku knows what I'm trying to say, but hang in there with the old fecker...you only have one dad, and whatever way you feel you have to build a bridge, just do it. He'll be a long time dead while you're sat there wondering how it might have been better.

Appreciate your comments this evening. And that bloody song, always makes my eyes water too mate...

Posted 2 years ago #
roper - Member

With running the risk of sounding like a dodgy agony aunt, there is unconditional love. It is just that. A love between a parent and child either direction. I think Brac you are experiencing it. Without any anger, sadness or frustration it’s just love or your Dad. No matter what has happened.

Ton you know what it is, you have had it when your son was growing up and you’d have it with your grandchild given half the chance. Step back and pick up the pieces unconditionally or help unconditionally, but it is up to them. You need to be the big man when they need him.

Posted 2 years ago #
2unfit2ride - Member

A very heavy thread for the weekend this, but yes we all end up with regrets, life wouldn't be worth living without them, but I doubt a hug could save us all.
No relationship is perfect, you just need to work a little & realise that life is not all about 'me', try your best by all means, but really, just make the most of what you have, regret is evil.

Posted 2 years ago #
SaboteurCherie - Member

I second that 2unfit2ride.

Posted 2 years ago #
teambpl - Member

Brack, I'm a firefighter and when aspects of our job provoke thoughts or anxiety,for whatever reason we are encouraged to use the support structure provided, I sincerely hope a similar structure is available to you and urge you to use it if only to talk to an impartial person much like you are doing by posting here.

It's clear this situation has affected you and that is what the support is for, no offence to people on here, me included, but we are not qualified to give professional guidance, only advice based on personal experience.

I don't know if this helps but I hope it will and eventually bring some sort of conclusion to your problem,

best of luck mate,

Bri

Posted 2 years ago #
doglover - Member

My dad's got psp, has a slow lingering brain destroying death to look forward to, never really knew him due to various reasons plus he's worked abroad all his life...don't have much chance now but trying best to be there for him, would offer one line of advice to those in their 20/30's who feel they don't know their dad - just keep trying and don't let the past rule your future.

Posted 2 years ago #
tankslapper - Member

Darcy - respect mate.

Lost my mother years ago - you can't turn back the clock. They are who they are, you just have to accept that and get on with it.

Brack - you've got to simply accept. It's the hardest lesson in life. My bruv and Dad don't talk, but I'm too old to argue. He's a shit (my Dad not necessarily my brother!) he's awkward and he's hard and yes he goes over the same crap all the time. But just let it go, learn to laugh at it; the bad points are his not yours. Stroll on mate

Posted 2 years ago #
ourmaninthenorth - Member

Paramedics - heroes in my eyes.

When we do that fantasy "what would you perfect job be" game, I always choose that one.

I was thinking something related to your situation yesterday, Brack. My father and I are pretty close, though we don't often speak. Then I had the thought that, if he dies, would I be that bothered? Very odd, but I quickly worked out why: while we get on, I don't really know him that well - he's very private and I don't know what makes him tick deep down.

Sometimes, I think it's just a father and son and man thing.

Posted 2 years ago #
greyman - Member

Sometimes, I think it's just a father and son and man thing.

Christ, tell me about it.

Long gone, I remember holding his hand and crying.

Heart goes out man ...

G.

Posted 2 years ago #
alpin - Member

sorry if there are any spelling mistakes, but i too am typing through watery eyes....

as mentioned above, you know what to do. go and see him. go have a beer.

Edit: just realised how long this is. if you don't read it i'll understand.

my dad and i never saw eye to eye whilst i was growing up. he was 38 when i was born so already stuck in his ways. i ask myself if he was ever cut out for fatherhood ( a nasty thing to say, perhpas). his city job meant he'd leave the house at 7 and come home at 8/9 in the evening. his saturday morinings were for golf, so i only had a fwe hours on a sunday when his time had to be shared amongst everyone. i never wanted anything materialistic as a kid; we had holidays once a year, we had a nice house etc.... as i got older the atmosphere between us used to hang on a knifes edge. i used to envy the relationship my mates had with their dads. the factr they could talk like mates. go and do stuff together.

i used to joke that at his funeral my speecj about him would go something like this; "he had a hard life, but not as hard as mine was living with him"
at 19 i went away for a year and grew up within myself and came back a man having left as a boy and knowing who i was. i don't think my dad could accept who i was. i, too, wouldn't sit back and let him make flippitant remarks (something he'd always done)about family, people, or anyone else he cared to slyly insult. i'd often flip out at him and take out my anger on items of garden furniture, doors and walls....things blew up one evening over dinner with onbe of his throw away comments about some black woman not being eligable to vote. i asked him to explain himself and he couldn't. instead he told me to shut up. this led to a blazing row; my mum and little sister sitting at the tabel crying, my dad and i shouting at each other. i asked him to go outside. then i hit him.

i fecked off after that and stayed at his brothers for a few days. his brother (no kids) understanding fully why i got so upset with him. a few weeks later i fecked off to germany.

it's sad. my mum now resents him for being the 'cause' for me leaving her. my sister doesn't know what to make of it, but at she's happy she's got my old out-house. as for my dad and i, we've never really got on better. when i'm back in the UK we'll go off down the pub and talk for hours about life; its quirks and so on.

my thoughts are with you kiwiman. never do i want to hae to go home to bury my dad. it was shit enough with my nan and aunt in the last two years.

it cuts me now. i'm not in the position (financially/workwise) to be able to spend time with him or the rest of my family. he's getting older and due to his 50+ years of smoking isn't the fittest bunny in the field. sometimes i think i'm a selfish **** for leaving. i love my folks. i should let them know and show it more. i'm going to write them a letter....

Posted 2 years ago #
brack - Member

Well I'm in work again...

Just had a fantastic early morning hack in, and sat here reading your replies ( before the madness starts again for another shift).

Can I just say a big thanks guys! Im struggling with tears again.... But you have all been so honest and reading your posts just makes me realise that I am not the only one to have had a strained father/ son relationship - and that I really do need to get this sorted!

And ton - you didn't hijack this thread mate...you added another dimension to it!

Thanks again

Posted 2 years ago #
singletrackmind - Member

Brack.
Its windy , its a South Westerly, Its forcast to go GF8 this afto. Its low tide mid - late afternoon . You know exactly what to do , cram a load of sram down your neck and get to the beach, Stick a 4.2 on your wave board and go for blast, get some big air, and go proper scary fast .
It won't help you talk to your Dad, I hardly spoke to mine as he was a heavy drinker , but it will put you straight back on an even keel, and you know the feeling lasts for days, and it hasn'tbeen proper windy for a month ( i don't count crap gusty N/W wind).
I will be out hopefully from 2 - 5 , if i survive the Kingly downhill track.

STM

Posted 2 years ago #
deadlydarcy - Member

I missed NZCol's comments. I'm sorry to hear your loss mate. I remember you talking about it before. Last chance to say goodbye for you I guess. You can't change the things you can't change - no matter what you do. Then just get back on with your life. Everybody else will. Hope it's not too painful a trip for you dude.

Brack,

Glad you seem a bit better this morning. Keep up the good work.

Posted 2 years ago #
brack - Member

STM if only !...at work till 7 It's picking up too !!

My hack to work was fantastic though...hardly turned the cranks

Hey watch out for that green chalk!....be greasy as heck up ther today!

Posted 2 years ago #
lowey - Member

Paramedics - heroes in my eyes.

When we do that fantasy "what would you perfect job be" game, I always choose that one.

+1.

I have always regretted not having a go at that noble employment. A job in which you genuinely make a real difference. The reason I ended up in the cess pit that is the construction industry, is, curiously enough in this thread's context, entirely the doing of my old man.

Posted 2 years ago #
Drac - Moderator

Sorry to jump on this on such a humble post but lowey and ourmaninthenorth, it's never too late to join and is a great job. Thanks for your comments it's appreciated, although we really are just doing a job.

Brack chin up you'll get through the day once the work come in you'll go into professional mode.

Posted 2 years ago #
Midnighthour - Member

Ton

"all i do at work is shout at him to do stuff.
i know i am being a cock, but i cant help it."

Realy? So who is in charge of your mouth and your mind then?
Thats the lamest excuse I have ever heard. Its the same excuse men use who beat thier wives. "she made me do it to her". Its the biggest load of self justification and abdication of personal responsibility you could come up with. Your family must be so disappointed in you.

Lets face it, you had a life in mind for your child all planned out in YOUR head (how often in the past have you asked him what his own hopes for the future are?). Now you are angry because he is not fitting in with the life you had chosen for him and which would have been convenient for you.

I suspect all your anger is about your decisions for other peoples lives being undermined. You are angry with the girlfriend and her family because you cannot force them to comply with your ideal world. You are punishing your son for them as well - as you CAN make his life hell, even if you cant control the girlfriend and her folks. So being cruel to him makes you feel more powerful and in control again.

Go look in the mirror and ask what kind of person you have become and what kind of excuses you are making for such appalling, unloving, unsupportive and utterly self interested behaviour.

You don't love your son, you are using that as an excuse for bad domineering behaviour on your part. This is not really about your son, its about your need to be in control and your panic when its clear you don't get to dictate to everyone around you.

People like you loose their kids in the end and rightly so. I was brought up by people like you, who just saw their kids as pawns using the excuse its 'love' rather than blatant bullying. I have not seen them in 10 years and I must say my life is way better than when I had to put up with such self centred egotistical people and I have no desire to ever see either of them again. They had a rubbish marriage and took out thier need to keep control of life on me.

I know this is a harsh mail but its meant well. Someone's got to be blunt because if you are very lucky, you might still have time to rethink your attitudes and save your family from yourself. IF you are lucky...

Posted 2 years ago #
Smee - Blocked

Ton - bring the lad up here and mend some bridges.

Posted 2 years ago #
Mr Woppit - Member

I dunno. I don't think I sympathise. So your Daddy was less than perfect? Well, "join the world of the f*ckng most of the rest of us". I could tell you MY horror story, but frankly, I don't think it's any of your business...

Elsewhere, there's a guy dying of cancer.

Think yourself lucky.

(No offense and with the best of intentions).

Posted 2 years ago #

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