Bit of Friday afternoon fun/dreaming. You own your own pub, you can stock your favourite drinks, snacks and food, what do you have? What subjects of convo would you ‘bar’ and of course big questions, music and/or tv?

Me?
Wye Valley HPA
Wye Valley Butty Bach
Spey valley brewery Spey Stout
Bradfield Farmers Blonde
Estrella

A good selection of Speyside single malts

Gin can foxtrot oscar

No music, TV only for the international rugby and cricket (turned down with TMS for commentary)

Plenty of veggie and vegan snacks/food inc Greggs vegan sausage rolls

Proper dogs, muddy boots/arses welcome

Yeah that sounds about Right Houns – I’d say no telly at all but spend entertainment budget on somewhere for bands to play. fewer beers and rotate the specials on a regular basis, although I don’t mind a selection of Gin as well as other stuff. Local to us is Silver Street brewery (their session ale is just brilliant) and Brightside which would happily grace my boozer. I’d have a small Enomatic for wines as well and just do one red, one white and one sparkling in bottle. Dedicated bike parking space, massive outdoor climbing frame and decent amount of swings.

Local ales or indie cask/keg only. No “usuals”, constantly changing line-up. Local cider. Probably have to stock a bit of gin/wine for those who won’t drink beer, no other booze/spirits though.

Definitely a micro pub rather than a big old barn, no music/telly necessary (or allowed!). Pound in the charity bucket if you swear or your phone rings.

A proper fire. Dogs ok as long as they’re not ****. Walkers/cyclists welcome. Small beer garden maybe? Kids ok as long as they’re well behaved, otherwise **** off.

No “restaurant” food but bar snacks like pies/scotch eggs/cheese etc all from local places of course.

Don’t think any topics of conversation would be banned but if you act like a **** or upset people then you are slung out and banned.

Maybe have a band sometimes but on a quiet week night only. Not sure about that though, depends whether the regulars would want that or not – definitely want to encourage those not just have a load of student **** turn up en masse just cos their mates are playing a gig there.

Flat roof
Cooking lager
Strong cider (only served with black currant)
Peanuts on one of those cardboard displays with a partially clothed woman gradually revealed
No dogs, kids, muddy boots, vegans
Mass brawl every Sunday evening
Maybe a meat raffle
Dog racing on tv

Ah kilo you need locals coming in selling meat, cheese or razors

I forgot to add a cider to mine …. Cider House Special, served in pints only (for my amusement)

It’d have to be by the beach, but also close to mountains as there’s a place I want to be (skiable mountains mind).

Music would be only stuff I like or approve of, so it’d be a weird mix from Alt-J to Cancer bats across a range on genres. TV, nope although rugby and occasional other sports can be good watched with a group I’ll leave that to other places.

Ales and a hopped summer lager, wide range from smaller breweries based on decent beer, not just on being small. We have a beer fridge with stocked by a small local brewery at work, but that doesn’t make the beer good!

Decent set of wines, not too wide a range, but enough to cover most key varietals of grape.

Home cooked, decent food, not foams, not fancy, some smoked/slow cooked foods and a ALL the best puddings!

Dogs not just welcome, but probably more welcome than their owners.

Kids, hmmm, not sure about that I grew up in and out of pubs, but it’s not the best place for a kid and they are messy.

Flagstone floors for easy clean down. Sturdy furniture.

Space for local art and music too.

Oh and a tagged on coffee shop for decent java too.

Houns – razor blades; the most shoplifted item in the country.
Boots and Superdrug staff are routinely told they should not attempt to apprehend shoplifters.
Pre-packed steak is also high on the shoplifters list.

Ah kill you need locals coming in selling meat, cheese or razors

I considered the roaming meat sellers but it would undermine the meat raffle and I’m trying to run a classy joint!

this one https://perfectbeers.wordpress.com/2015/03/10/134-the-bell-aldworth-berkshire-england/

local, great cycling on the doorstep. Decent beer & cider. Decent food. etc

No dart board in none of the above???

I’d have the barstaff in the middle with a big u-shaped bar, one side with the big telly for sports + music, the other quiet with fire etc. Kids definitely allowed. Nice garden out back.

Hampshire Bowman for me.

Free minibus that does pick up and drop offs at 6 or points around the area
6 handpumps for real beer
6 craft keg beers for the hipsters
Oak casks with malt and hops under glass tops as tables
Sauages and chips in a basket
Pretty 30 somethings behind the bar
No jus on the menu or poncy grub
Open mic night
Roast dinners on a sunday
Lots of books on the walls to read, borrow, donate
Charity swear box

Kids should only be in a pub if they’re underage drinking.

Sarah Hughes dark ruby mild
Harvistoun schehallion
Tiny rebel crwtch
St Austell Proper job
Itchen Valley Russian winter winter
Itchen Valley pure gold summer
Dark star hop head pre fullers version
Timmy Taylor landlord
Hogs back tea

Quavers

No TV. You can watch that at home, it just attracts ne’er-do-wells who are absolutely sideways by 4pm and have no volume control.

I’d bar people who think it’s socially acceptable to bellow at each other from the other side of the room (or in some cases, table). I’d employ someone to wipe clean the goddamn tables occasionally, have a healthy supply of beermats, and if I had a jukebox it would either be in one room only or at can-still-hold-a-conversation-over-it levels.

A few real ales on tap, a healthy selection of single malts and bourbons. No, we don’t have blue WKD, I might make a concession on stocking Crabbie’s. Free tap water, soft drinks at non-gouging prices (I could perhaps recoup this by charging an extra £2/pint for Southerners), discounts for anyone working in emergency services, maybe a loyalty card system.

Food, maybe a selection of pies and pasties and a microwave. Feel free to have pizza delivered.

No dogs, it’s scare the pub cat. Kids are welcome so long as they’re not feral brats or screaming the place down. Biker-friendly (motor and pedal). Bike wash and track pump out back next to the bike racks, basic spares available to buy.

Games room with pool table, dartboard, air hockey, MAME cabinet, board games, well-stocked bookshelf. No eating in here please.

Live rock bands on Saturday nights. Midweek quiz night. Maybe a comedy night? Games night. Karaoke can get in the sea.

This place pretty much defines it for me – Great ambience, beer, food, riding at http://theriverheadmarsden.co.uk

Tweedies at Grasmere also ticks the boxes.

Oh yeah, and upstairs is a pub-themed escape room.

Spey Valley Brewery stuff on tap at all times, Wychwood IPA also.
Plenty of whisky (including blends, the good ones, like Compass Box are allowed)
Plenty of gins too, especially local ones.
No TV, music will be from a jukebox with stuff selected by me on it.
Hog lumps, peanuts and crisps behind the bar and curly fries from the kitchen, maybe burgers and scampi too.
No bloody whisky chat!! And if someone asks for a Glencairn glass it’s an instant barring for life!
And a Space Invaders arcade machine.
I like the free minibus idea 🙂

Oh and an open fire for the cooler evenings.

I’d employ someone to wipe clean the goddamn tables occasionally

This. And collect the empty glasses. Pubs used to have them, they were called ‘glass collectors’.

No telly. No live music, cos nearly every pub band I’ve ever heard has entirely miscalculated their amplification:talent ratio.

Open fire, Theakstons and a few others, top quality food with local produce, occasional ferret racing overhead. Nice views from the benches out front.

This place, in other words.

http://www.craven-cruckbarn.co.uk/

Given it some thought, basically the sorts of places you see in the Gangster films, all seater – table service, moody lighting and maybe a bit of a show.

Definitely kids. Works here in Spain, if you want to meet mates for a beer no need to get babysitters. Kids are included in the plans. Not sure why it’s not the done thing in UK – maybe you can’t be trusted not to get slaughtered.
No blanket ban on technology a la Sam Smiths.
3 regular ales along the lines of 3.4% bitter, a best, and an ESB, plus a couple of guests and/or craft.
Because the dream pub in my head is out in the sticks (though I do love a city centre boozer or a flat roof estate pub) it needs to have decent driver options

A few pubs like this on my local MTB loop, but they are never open as I’ve usually passed them way before 11am… pah… need to set off late for a change.

top quality food with local produce

See, laudable as this, it tends to turn pubs into restaurants or, even worse, ‘gastropubs’. The food at my dream pub would be good but simple, and not the main reason people go.

Also,

Tablets (or an app) so you can order drinks from your table.

Free pint to anyone who uploads a photo of a new “bollocks to brexit” sticker in a Wetherspoons.

Tablets (or an app) so you can order drinks from your table.

Get. In. The. Muddyfunking. Sea.

busy seaside pubs are great, good for people watching as you get healthy turnover of drinkers

Drinks.
Good beer that is ever changing with 1 house beer, but not too much of it so that it’s gets drunk. On the perfect day, this would include:
Bathams – always on
Salopian Oracle
Sadlers Mud City Stout
Fixed Wheel Mr 60%
1, maybe 2 others.
3 good gins, 1 good but lower end, 1 premium, 1 other, and suitable tonic too.
3 good ciders.
3 good beers on cask, a lager, an IPA and something else.
Other spirts to taste.
Offensively expensive soft drinks which means the beer can be cheaper.

Snacks.
Quality crisps, Tyrells, Kettle Chips, etc. in a range of flavours.
Samaosas, pork pies and maybe sausage roles
Pork snacks, crunch and scratchings.

Entertainment.
TV in 1 corner, this will only ever show 3 things, cricket, rugby union, Sky Sports news. The volume will stay silent. No football, no news.
Background music. Light, gentle, inoffensive stuff.
I could be persuaded by a jukebox if it doesn’t go too loud.
Darts board and board games, not in use Friday or Saturday nights.

Decor.
Old country pub style, not to scruffy, you want it nice enough your wife will visit it with you.
No seats at the bar, that’s where you get served and not where you sit.
Open fire.
Lots of seats and quiet corners.
Small ish beer garden, not big enough for it to become a destination in the summer, but big enough for regulars to have a beer outside.
A small dedicated smoking area in the corner of the above garden, no smoking in the rest of it.

Other.
No kids inside after 7pm, though a blind eye will be turned if they’re asleep in the buggy.
Well behaved dogs encouraged, snacks and a bowl available from the bar.

I think that’s a good start.

@wheelie

Hampshire Bowman for me.

A now sadly departed mate had his wedding party in the field there 👍

Close, Lunge, close

Good beer that is ever changing with 1 house beer, but not too much of it so that it’s gets drunk. On the perfect day, this would include:
Bathams – always on
Salopian Oracle
Sadlers Mud City Stout
Fixed Wheel Mr 60%
1, maybe 2 others.
3 good gins, 1 good but lower end, 1 premium, 1 other, and suitable tonic too.
3 good ciders.
3 good beers on cask, a lager, an IPA and something else.
Other spirts to taste.
Offensively expensive soft drinks which means the beer can be cheaper.
Snacks.
Quality crisps, Tyrells, Kettle Chips, etc. in a range of flavours.
Samaosas, pork pies and maybe sausage roles
Pork snacks, crunch and scratchings.
Entertainment.
TV in 1 corner, this will only ever show 3 things, cricket, rugby union, Sky Sports news. The volume will stay silent. No football, no news.
Background music. Light, gentle, inoffensive stuff.
I could be persuaded by a jukebox if it doesn’t go too loud.
Darts board and board games, not in use Friday or Saturday nights.
Decor.
Old country pub style, not to scruffy, you want it nice enough your wife will visit it with you.
No seats at the bar, that’s where you get served and not where you sit.
Two or three stools at the bar, but at one end so as not to get in the way
Open fire.
Lots of seats and quiet corners.
Small ish beer garden, not big enough for it to become a destination in the summer, but big enough for regulars to have a beer outside.
A small dedicated smoking area in the corner of the above garden, no smoking in the rest of it.
Other.
No kids inside after 7pm, though a blind eye will be turned if they’re asleep in the buggy.
Well behaved dogs encouraged, snacks and a bowl available from the bar.

Do none of these pubs have names?

The Perching Panther, obvs.

The Bay Horse in Roughlee.

My ideal pub would be pretty simple, large open fire with one old and well worn but comfortable chair next to fire, decent supply/range of Balvenie whisky, a few varieties of IPA- hoppy/fruity etc and one chocolate dark malt. A choice of decent weed, power plant, jack herer, some double zero hash and charas.  And finally no other customers to bother me, just me on my tod wi a book in front of fire.

Not much different to my living room so i guess I’m living the dream.

Cheap ale, definitely no kids allowed, and single, flirtatious barmaids..

The Marisco Tavern on Lundy! done.

And finally no other customers to bother me,

Well, with the offer of horrible beer and stoned clientele, I don’t think that’ll be a problem

The Dog inn, the Cock inn, the Turtles head or ‘the gym’ for names

Do none of these pubs have names?

The moon under water.

The Moon Under Water

The Moon under Water is now a W****erspoons

🙁

Barstools, NEVER. Don’t like them when I’m a customer, really Didn’t like them when I worked because they were predominantly occupied by dirty old men letching over my colleagues, complete with racist viewpoints and never actually buying beer.