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  • You can do better … we’re back together.
  • misteralz
    Free Member

    Can friendships ever recover from this? My (I guess not now) best friend got dumped by his abusive girlfriend last week. Saturday we had a good long phonecall where I consoled him, but admitted that I was glad it was over as there were so many red flags at the start, and that in the intervening year and a bit I’d not heard a single good thing about this woman from mutual friends, and that she was obviously emotionally abusive and manipulative. I’d been there before, knew it hurts, but honestly a month from now you’ll feel much better. You know the drill.
    Twenty minutes later I called him back and said screw it, let me book you a ferry, come over, okay? He audibly perked up at this and was much chattier! Ace.
    Phoned him back the next day and he sounded really down again, but that’s normal. Asked how he was doing and he told me they’re back together.

    Bollocks.

    Today he texted me saying he can’t come over on the ferry.

    So, can friendships ever recover from this?

    ernielynch
    Free Member

    So, can friendships ever recover from this?

    Why not? I don’t understand what the problem is in terms of your friendship with him?

    It’s his life and he can’t be expected to live it as you tell him to. You can’t stop him from making mistakes. It might be easy for you to tell him what to do but you aren’t emotionally involved with this girl, he is.

    Just be there as a friend for him when his relationship with his girlfriend eventually breaks down again, as it inevitably will.

    IHN
    Full Member

    So, can friendships ever recover from this?

    Of course they can.

    What’s happened to him is probably the old ‘dead cat bounce’ – when a relationship is failing there’s often a brief period after it’s first ended where it’s restarted, but it will, soon, actually end.

    He needs you when that happens, and it (very probably) will.

    kelvin
    Full Member

    Wise words Ernie.

    OP, make sure you are supporting your friend to help him, not for yourself.

    martinhutch
    Full Member

    I wouldn’t say you weren’t friends any more, unless he’s told you he won’t be contacting you again and to keep your nose out.

    Unless that’s the case, he knows he has a best friend who will be supportive if he manages to get shot of his abusive partner, so that’s progress.

    5plusn8
    Free Member

    If you love your mate, just be there for him no matter what.

    Pook
    Full Member

    So, can friendships ever recover from this?

    Yes. 100%.

    I’ve been there with my best mate. He’s my best mate again and like a brother.

    Just be there and keep talking

    snotrag
    Full Member

    100%.

    I/We (We being on of my friend groups) ‘lost’ a mate for a good five years, immediately after his Wedding. As in, left his wedding one evening, didnt see him again till he was outside one of our front doors, bag full of stuff, asking if he can stay the night on the sofa.

    He’s fine now, but it made me acutely aware of looking out for other people too, and spotting when they might need help or be in trouble, which if course as blokes they will never ask for.

    Just let him know he’s welcome whenever he needs you, dont need to, ro expect a reply, but just make sure you do it.

    Onzadog
    Free Member

    What will probably happen now he’s back with her.
    He’ll tell her what you said.
    She’ll stop him from contacting you.
    They’ll break up again.
    He’ll contact you.

    The only unknown is the time line.

    At the risk of a sweeping generalisation, blokes are usually pretty good at picking up a friendship exactly where is was before, irrespective of time passed.

    freeagent
    Free Member

    Girl I work with is in a fairly toxic relationship with a drug-dependant narcissist.

    About 18 months ago she found the courage to chuck him out then promptly told the whole world everything he’d been up to, all the lies he’d told her, etc.
    A few weeks later he’s wormed his way back in and she’s confused as to why her friends think its a bad thing..
    They’ve split a couple more times since – he’s now managed to get a job working for her Mum, and they’re back together again..

    misteralz
    Free Member

    Yep Onzadog, that’s precisely what I’m expecting.

    Maybe I could have worded it better? More like, can we ever be friends again when this toxic cow is still in the picture? From the tone of his voice and messages since I’m guessing not…

    ernielynch
    Free Member

    More like, can we ever be friends again when this toxic cow is still in the picture?

    Well she isn’t likely to be in the picture for that long. It is only by going back to a toxic relationship that anyone realises that things never change.

    There is this persistent belief that things will change, because that is exactly what people want to believe. But of course things never do change in a toxic relationship and realising that is a learning process.

    Edit: I suspect that he won’t have told her what you said. I imagine that he would only have done that if he was determined not to get back with her.

    hels
    Free Member

    The question you really need to ask is – do you really want the friendship to survive?

    He is treating you badly, whatever the reason and probable manipulation. Nice friend.

    the-muffin-man
    Full Member

    We’re on the verge of cutting off our niece.

    She’s been in a relationship with a nut-job for nearly ten years now.

    • He’s tried to stab her
    • He’s fleeced her for money and gambled away tens of thousands
    • He’s attacked her many times
    • He’s been done for drunk driving and wrote off their car and was banned for 3 years
    • He’s always starting fights in pubs
    • The police have been called more times than I can remember

    She still keeps taking him back though. She’s a bright woman in her mid-30s, in a very good job and can easily afford to live alone. She needs him somehow though. Currently they’re apart but we know he’ll be back and we’re sick of dealing with the fall-out.

    Blackflag
    Free Member

    I was in a toxic relationship. 1 year great followed by 3 years of arguments. When you are in it, it’s so hard to have any sense of perspective. My mates thought she was nuts and said so but they stuck with me throughout and looked after me when the inevitable happened.

    Just be patient and be there for him if and when needed OP.

    misteralz
    Free Member

    Yeah, so was I. And yeah, it followed much the same pattern. It was my first ‘proper’ relationship so I didn’t know any better. Which is the situation here, too. Which is why I’m worried about my best pal, y’know?
    C’est la vie.

    Dickyboy
    Full Member

    So, can friendships ever recover from this?

    See my post at the top of page two on the wedding thread, said woman was a pain in the neck but my mate loved her, now they are getting divorced me & him are back being mates again. We just don’t discuss how much heartache & money he would have saved if he’d given me the chance to tell him she was a wrongun 🤔

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