• This topic has 95 replies, 69 voices, and was last updated 1 year ago by TiRed.
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  • WWSTWD – growing resentment towards wife and daughter…
  • Premier Icon funkmasterp

    And any chance of my mid-life crisis sports-car have gone!

    Suck it up! I’m saving to buy a secondhand Transition Klunker for my midlife crisis 😀


    Wait till she’s at the stables rolling round in the hay forking shit in the stable then gallop in on a 19hand* charger, get to pull a sick manual rear up on its hind legs before you ambling gait the shit back out.

    By having the better horse will make you feel better.

    * Is 19 hands big? Or have described a shetland charger?

    This could backfire spectacularly on you. Wife will point out the stupid amount of money you spend on your push bike riding about in silly clothes and point out this could be used towards the pony costs.

    Poison the pony.

    Premier Icon singletrackmind

    IS it the fact you work really hard , and they spend the money on the fricken pony and trap and its then not available for shiney bike things?
    See, this is why I am long term single. I couldn’t cope with that.
    Uni is going to cost a truckload of cash that you have already sunk into dobbin and its associated running costs
    If you were bunging the £250 a month on sensible things , as opposed to something that, lets face it, everyone could easily live without then it could be £80 a month into a SIPP / ISA, another £100 a month off the mortgage ( which will save you more than £100 a month as the interest is costing you on top ) and £70 a month into a saving plan for your daughtes uni fund.

    Forget all the ‘ making memories’ shit . That is a marketting mans wet dream come true as a way of emptying peoples wallets . The biggest memory you would be making would be presenting your daughter with a nice monthly allowance so she doesn;t have to work 3 jobs whilst at uni to pay her beer money and wil probably get a better grade because of that.

    But do not do anything until the aniversary of death and GCSE’s are finished . Then sell or rent out the pony to 2 or 3 other kids who think they want a real life my little pony anad let them foot the bills.Or sell it on and thank the lord that there wont be £500 a month on pony and trap carp leaving the bank .
    Time to put on your big girls pants and try to explain in a calm but assertive manner that its all down to Brexit / Thatcher / Hitler , but Dobbing is going to be clip clopping his way out of your lives in the summer .


    My wife also stopped riding as frequently, it has put a strain on our marriage too to be fair.

    As for the pony, I know from my sister’s experience with an exact same story as yours, (borrowed horse, owner wanting to sell) that they can be horrendously expensive. Her horse got kicked literally two weeks after taking “ownership” and her vets bill was 3.5k!!
    Without meaning to be rude it really is a well off persons hobby in my book and if you can’t afford it then it’s got to go.


    pull a sick manual rear up on its hind legs

    What are those things like to bunny hop?

    Premier Icon ebennett

    I think you just have to suck it up and deal with it – while to you it’s just money you don’t have to spend elsewhere, to your daughter it’s probably the thing she loves most in the world. If it’s also meaning that she’s off riding/grooming/mucking out rather than sitting on a sofa glued to her phone or getting up to the usual nonsense that bored teens get up to then I’d suggest it’s win-win.

    Premier Icon spooky_b329

    That really is a lot of money per month for the upkeep

    Its really not…you got it treated for £1500…half the time you’d pay that just to find out what was wrong!!! And I didn’t know you could get livery for £250! Jealous…just a bit…

    My approach…is saving £xxx worth having an unhappy wife? No? Best just suck it up and pretend money grows on trees…

    P.S Don’t some equine uni’s allow you to take horses etc? She can just add it to her student loan…

    I’ve re-read the OP and essentially what you’re saying is: “I want to stop spending money on something my daughter loves and spend it on what I want.”

    Have I got it correct there..?


    There’s a few things solutions I can think of that wouldn’t involve parting with the pony. It’s not just a pet, it’s a lifestyle which will be a very good one when she qualifies.

    What sort of livery do you have? Grass livery is £20 – £30pw and I’d expect hay and a shelter for that in most areas, it’s also better for the horse. Have you considered working livery? A lot of riding schools don’t own their own horses, there’s strict welfare rules which prevents them from being over used and you often get free use of facilities too. You could also look for a sharer, and split the costs but you retain ownership.

    How often is the trailer used? If she doesn’t use it often it’s normally fairly easy and cheap to get a lift or book a space in a lorry.


    @joshvegas 19 is a lot of hands to have between your thighs

    Premier Icon CountZero

    🙂 She’s aiming for an equine university to do a degree in horse physio!!!
    As for my daughter getting pleasure from it – she’s obsessed. She’s not all ‘all show’ pony club girl. She spends hours with the pony in all the muck and filth all weathers.

    I think that’s your answer, right there. Your best bet is to find cheaper options for stabling/livery, and find some way that your lass can contribute to the running costs.
    The fact that she’s so besotted with the animal and horses in general that it’s the career she wants to follow shows that getting rid of the pony isn’t an option.

    I know people are talking about cheaper yards/livery, but if she’s on a good yard now with all the right facilities and (more importantly) good other liveries then I wouldn’t chance a move – it’s just not worth the hassle to save, what, £100 a month tops? Really good yards are tough to find, and a bad one is not worth any amount of money saved.


    You are spending money on something your daughter loves and wants to make a career of. What is the issue?

    She could be on drugs, a goth etc.

    Get a grip. Love is when you sacrifice for someone else.

    Premier Icon Cougar

    In light of recent posts, I withdraw my previous reply. You do need to deal with it though, resentment only ever escalates. Today’s ‘slightly miffed’ is tomorrow’s ‘I’ll murder you in your sleep you evil witch.’

    To quote esteemed philosopher Randal Graves, you either need to shit or get off the pot.


    All I’ll say is that we (me, wife and 3 young daughters) moved to a house with 6 acres of paddocks and 7 stables 16 years ago.
    I made it quite clear that I’d pay for all the riding lessons they wanted, but there was no way we were getting a horse.
    I managed to make it stick and I’m glad I did!

    Premier Icon singletrackmind

    ‘slightly miffed’ is tomorrow’s ‘I’ll murder you in your sleep you evil witch.’

    nice . harsh but true .

    Still think you need to sit down with your wife and say your suffering anxirty / depression and not in a happy place right now.
    She will ask why? ‘ To be honest love its because money is really tight and we are spending/comitted to Dobbin and all that it entails, its causing me mental anguish and I really cant see a way out to be honest and its a scary place to be .

    Premier Icon singletrackmind

    All I’ll say is that we (me, wife and 3 young daughters) moved to a house with 6 acres of paddocks and 7 stables 16 years ago.

    I really hope you filled those stables with Ford RS models that would have cost less at the time than a horse and are now worth 5x what you paid? You did didnt you?


    Horses are bloody expensive. My MiL and SiL both have/had horses that they really couldn’t afford, I just don’t get it. Can’t really offer any advice, but in your position I’d feel exactly the same.


    Divorce and move out.

    I think the £250/month for livery would pale into insignificance…

    Ponies are for life not just for xmas you heartless bastard!!

    Premier Icon llama

    She’s going to grow out of it in a couple of years. Live with it.

    Premier Icon MoreCashThanDash

    Seems the problem isn’t your wife, your daughter, or the horse. It’s the cost of the horse.

    I’d suggest you stick it out till after GCSEs are done (currently walking on the same egg shells, been watching our kids grow up in parallel via this forum!) and then have a conversation with your wife about how you are going to afford the horse and your other plans for mortgage, holidays etc.

    Try and focus on the issue being paying the cost, not wife, daughter or Dobbin.

    Premier Icon epicyclo

    They say money can’t buy happiness.

    In this case it looks like it is.

    24 months x £250 = £6,000. That’s on a par with what you could expect to pay if your daughter was doing something like dancing and ice skating. Less than the depreciation when you drive a new car out of the dealer. Ignore the incidental costs, they happen whatever you do,

    Start preparing your daughter for her plan for the pony when she goes to Uni, ie make it plain it’s her responsibility from there on. Then she’ll make all the rational decisions that you won’t be forced to make.


    I can totally relate the the OP’s angst. The thing that would get to me is the unpredictable costs like vet’s bills, transport etc. I am sure if the costs were known and could be planned for the resentment would not be so high.

    Premier Icon funkmasterp

    Can you convince her to trade Dobbin for a different, less expensive steed? Can pigs be ridden or deer?


    Have you considered stick insects?

    Premier Icon bikebouy

    Triple patio?



    keep it in the back yard. it can live in the shed.

    Premier Icon fossy

    Pets are expensive, horses massively so. One of my colleagues is totally skint with her horse.

    The car breaking is one thing, but you don’t need to be able to tow the horse somewhere. Certainly look around for stables, look at daughter doing a part time job (probably more chance once she’s 17 and at college).

    Cycling is ruddy expensive, but not quite on the same league as horses for ‘maintenance’. It’s both your wife and daughter’s hobby, and it’s possibly one aspect that helps your wife deal with the loss of her dad.

    So long as you say that the pony will prevent us having nice holidays etc. then they have to understand that.

    Premier Icon bikebouy

    Get your daughter a boyfriend.



    at least you’ll have fresh meat after brexit

    Premier Icon matt_outandabout

    Cycling is ruddy expensive, but not quite on the same league as horses for ‘maintenance’.

    I’m not so sure these days…eldest_oab rides the most and:
    £1k forks and £150-300 a year to service twice.
    Frame £2k, bearings X2 £50 and shock another £150-300 service twice.
    Wear out a mid range drivetrain a year and it’s £2-300
    2x sets of brake pads.
    2x sets of tyres.
    He bust a wheel last month, £90
    Reverb died the month before, £100
    Wore out saddle, £25
    Cables, grips..

    Premier Icon scotroutes

    I have a horse mad daughter, now 22, working part time at a riding centre and at a cafe and going through BHS training exams. We never gave in to the temptation to own a horse and just found other ways of getting her riding. Still not cheap if you are paying for regular riding lessons. Have a look at things like a local RDA to see if some of the costs could be shared, cheaper/shared livery etc.

    I do agree with many of the previous posters though. If £250 can currently be afforded then maybe grin and bear it until she can take dobbin off to college/uni. Or consider the BHS route and avoid Uni fees/costs which will be a bigger saving in the long term. Most riding centre owners we’ve talked to prefer BHS trained staff to college/uni folk anyway.


    Why is it on livery when it could quite happily live outside? How far away from home is it? Very least you could do is get it onto the equine equivalent of half-board instead of full bed and breakfast.

    I think maybe your daughter could do to pitch in with the mucking out and feeding, and if this gets too much, lob it out into a field during the week.


    24 months x £250 = £6,000. That’s on a par with what you could expect to pay if your daughter was doing something like dancing and ice skating. 

    That’s just livery, then it’s vets fees, tack clothing and yes transporting the thing. It’s not an ornament to look at, you take them places to ride gymkhanas etc which also cost money. Literally the expense is endless. We all want to give our children things they want, but not at the expense of everything else and financial stability.
    If you can’t comfortably afford the horse it has to go, anything else is just spoilt indulgence 🙁

    Premier Icon the-muffin-man

    Thanks again all – things have moved on a bit! 🙂

    To clarify a few things…

    The horse is on DIY livery. My daughter does all the mucking out/feeding/grooming etc.
    The livery yard is a decent one – even I as a disliker of all things horse recognize that if you are training a horse for competitions etc., you need a mininum of a decent menage. A horse is a field is just a pet.

    The livery yard is 10 minutes from home, and during school holidays my daughter cycles there on her own. We could get it a bit cheaper but much further away and that creates it’s own problems then.

    She’s not a shirker and not afraid of hard work.

    As for me joining in – that’s a non starter. I’ve been around horses for 40+ years (rode till I was 15) – I know enough about them to know I want nothing to do with them anymore. Not even for my daughter. My daughter is fine with this – she’d rather me not be there than be there with a face like a smacked-arse asking if she’s done yet.

    On reflection – as many have said, I’m going to have to suck-it-up for a few years. At least when she goes to uni the pony goes with her so we’ll get some time back.

    Patio!? I only finished it last year – it’ll look right dodgy if I rip it up and re-do it! 🙂

    Premier Icon chestrockwell

    When my wife was seriously thinking about a career change that would seriously affect our finances and ability to live comfortably we had several chats where I went though the things we would have to sacrifice for her to be able to follow that path. Didn’t fall out, no raised voices just discussion around what taking a certain decision would mean for other areas of life. I always said it was up to her and if that’s what she really wanted then that’s what we’d do but in the end she decided to remain in her current industry albeit after a job change.

    Maybe that’s the way to go? Talk about the strain it’s putting on finances and suggest other areas you could save money (Shopping trips, holidays, house change, cheaper supermarket etc). Put the ball in her court but make it clear the status quo isn’t an option. If she chooses Dobbin you’ll have to suck it up but make sure you make the other changes.

    Premier Icon dogbone

    Even up the spending

    Mid-Life-Crisis (Motorbike purchase)

    I’ve been around horses for 40+ years (rode till I was 15) – I know enough about them to know I want nothing to do with them anymore.

    I this is your main problem, not the cost, and something you probably need to deal with. Don’t make your daughter suffer over your own issues.

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