Just looking to gauge opinions on a difficult situation I have found myself in.

An old work friend got in contact a few weeks ago, I hadn’t seen the chap for 6 years but he’d moved back to the area from London (as we had 6 years ago) we arranged to go for a drink and I rallied a few other ex-colleagues we worked with from the time to come. Fun was had and we went our separate ways that evening.  However it transpires that the old friend then spent the rest of the weekend gambling and drinking. He had a history of this and in the past had the funds to furnish it as an IT contractor at big banks earning 6 figures. He was, until last week staying with his sister until he sorted himself a flat out with a new job in the North…

However, the guy has been trying to contact me, I had a few missed calls but no VM..so have found out through the other ex-colleagues that he had failed to turn up to work on the following Monday and, being in a new job was sacked on the spot.  He has been thrown out of his sisters house (she has a young family) for heavy drinking and is now 4 days from the streets.

I am just wondering if anyone has any words of wisdom to offer about what I could practically do to help. I have young kids so am reluctant to offer board to a homeless alcoholic and any financial assistance is likely to be short term and not solve his problem.  Getting a bit more than I bargained for getting in touch with an old mate.

WWSTD?

It might sound a bit harsh but, you hadn’t seen him for 6 years, he pops up out of the blue, has historical drinking and gambling issues and is “suddenly” facing life on the streets. All sounds like a bit of a last gasp sponging effort if you ask me.

Personally I’d move on and leave him to it.

RLF.

I wouldn’t be inviting a known problem alcoholic/gambler into my house. I wouldn’t be giving him any money I wanted back again either.

The best thing you can do is find him help for his addiction and then walk away.

Tough one.  Part of me thinks let him get on with it – he’s the master of his own destiny, ultimately.

But then again, I couldn’t stand by and watch a friend live on the streets either. Glad I’m not having to make that decision.

Not much help I know – but by the very virtue of the fact you’re asking for advice shows that you’re a decent friend and good luck with making the right decision.

The best thing you can do is find him help for his addiction and then walk away

Yeah, your thinking the same as me then…

Tough one but unless he’s deaing with his addiction then it’s only going one way.

Any help you offer will just be as effective as a sticking plaster but will potentially cost you all your money, friends and family.

Just say no.

Don’t enable him. If he is drinking and gambling that much he lost his job and even his own sister kicked him out then he would be on his own. He sounds more of an ex colleague than a friend tbh. I’d offer him a lift or taxi fare to the nearest point of professional help along with my best wishes and that would be it.

It all depends on your relationship and how well that kind of conversation would go down, assuming you’ve not discussed it with him previously.

If you wanted to do something whilst maintaining arms-length (I could imagine it could get very draining and time consuming, then you could pull together some information for him to then act upon when he’s ready on the addiction front).

Once he’s homeless though, he’s at a high risk of a spiral – and the temp accommodation he could get afforded as a single man may expose him to people with similar issues.

If you able to help him secure private, rented accommodation of his own by fronting up deposit, he will at least not fall into that trap – but there’s a lot of unknowns that only you know. Of course he will need an income & housing costs paid as well, and that will depend on a few factors. Drop me a PM if you want to know about the latter.

Shelter would be a good place for  a lunchtime phone call, but nobody would blame you for protecting yourself & family by maintaining a distance. Hopefully his family would stand-up in this scenario, if he’s not alienated them of course.

if he is looking for help from old work colleagues then it may strongly suggest he has burned all his bridges with those closer to him and is now trying to get money/shelter/support from anyone he can.

If it is that scenario, then he will almost certainly follow the same destructive path until he has worn out his welcome with you.

He hasn’t hit rock bottom yet by the sounds of things but is getting close.

Do you think that as an old acquaintance you can help him more than family and closer friends have?

+1 to the walk away option.

I lent some money to a family member recently, dont hear from her usually but got a big sob story etc, anyway was promised and guaranteed the money would be repaid the following week. You have probably guessed, heard nothing since….

I dont think it can be expected of you to put him up where you have children and he’s drinking and gambling. Also you didnt hear from him in six years. Sometimes people have to see and change things themselves, you cannot do it for them.

Surely if he was on six figure salary he has a property?

Surely if he was on six figure salary he has a property?

Unfortunately, after almost 20 years of working he has absolutely nothing material to show for it.  I have been in contact with the others who were out that night, one of them, they were very close friends at one point, put him up for a night and then told him to move on.  He says that none of us are capable of offering him the help he needs.  Apparently at his last contract job in the city he got his driver to stop at the off licence and he would drink a bottle of wine before starting work in the morning.  Sad state of affairs but I think I just have to block him and not get involved.

Although I bet you would like to help, as I would, you just cannot, especially with family and children yourself. If you lend money, I doubt you will see it again. And being blunt, if he’s been on a very good wage for a long time and doesn’t have anything to show, something is seriously wrong.

He’s pissed/gambled away over a million quid (rough maths) already and burned every bridge/sofa he’s stayed on.

As above, what you’re in a position to give won’t even touch the sides.

It’s unlikely that in his eyes he views you as a friend, more an enabler, his only friend is his addiction and he’ll do or say almost anything to feed this.

Until he takes meaningful steps to change this by engaging with gamblers / alcoholics anonymous or similar it is very unlikely you can have a significantly positive influence on his life but you can be assured he will have a very negative one on yours.

A good mate went back on the smack a few years ago having been clean for years. I met him while he was off the gear but he was always abusing something be it booze, ketamine, sleepers, 2cb, weed, coke, crack…in the years I knew him he was always relapsing into one addiction or another and it was costing him relationships and jobs. He almost lost his legs from injecting.

One mate bankrolled his smack as he couldn’t bear seeing his “best mate” hurt his lovely family again or end up in prison again, in the end he racked up £35k on cards and was using some hard stuff himself. His landlord is also out of pocket perhaps as much as £8k!

Now he is clean and living elsewhere and my mates have a circa £43k debt to service…yes you could say this is absolutely stupid and you’d be right but if you’ve said yes once you’ll struggle to say no the next time especially when you are more emotionally involved and seeing your mate sink further and further. He is working but no money however token has been offered to help repay.

I was a bastard and said I’ll take you out, be your mate etc but you can FRO if you think you’re getting any cash. I just brought him meals round and tried to provide some emotional support / distraction…he wasn’t that interested in this.

If you’re going to “help” go in with your eyes wide open. No cash and no payoffs of debts it won’t work.

He’s pissed/gambled away over a million quid (rough maths) already and burned every bridge/sofa he’s stayed on.

Puts it in perspective, pissed away over a £1,000,000 and now on the streets. 🙁

Thanks all, very useful perspective.

He may of burned his bridges with others and he may be in a real bad way, surely that’s the time to be a friend.

Friendship is not about being there when they are at their best it’s about being there when they are at their worst.

We’ve all pissed away most of our money in one way or another 🙂

Once you’re on the streets though any attempts at getting your life back on track, be it tackling addiction or getting a job, are immeasurably harder.

Is your ex-colleague called Gary King?

The only way he will change is if he chooses to. Guide him towards getting some professional help if you do get involved. Protect yourself from any possible damage, as shown that he does not give a shit about his sister’s well being, you can bet he will trample on anyone to maintain his addiction.

I don’t dispute any of the ‘walk away’ advice regarding the addiction, as the best person to help overcome that is himself. “Don’t give him money” etc is all bang on.

But the homelessness thing? As the question was what would I do – I’d do all I could to help someone not get into that situation,because once they are, they’re essentially ****.

They could be the most unpleasant bastard imaginable, and everyone should protect their own interests, but being on the streets is something we should all do our bit to ensure doesn’t happen to people. No matter what their background.

I hate to say it but is he really a friend, as opposed to just a bloke you used to know?  No contact for 6 years, then initiated by him?  Having spent 20 years watching my brothers life disintegrate due to alcohol, my strong advice is point him in the right direction and walk away.  The homelessness and alcohol are one and the same thing, one leads to the other, or vice versa…

It depends on the level of friendship. I have 2 or 3 friends I’d do pretty much anything for regardless of circumstance. I have spoken to them more recently than 6 years ago though.

I’ve not worked with anyone who I’d class in that category though and would stick with the ‘happy to guide, not happy to fund’ line of thinking.

Hes a fully grown adult living a child like life, spending cash he now doesnt have, ringing people he hasnt seen for years to act as a crutch to support his drinks problem, walk away and keep away tough, but theres help available out there , hostels etc and nhs support.

Seen it so many times the only person to help properly is the person themselves, the above can offer support and advice.

It depends on the level of friendship. I have 2 or 3 friends I’d do pretty much anything for regardless of circumstance.

&

I hate to say it but is he really a friend, as opposed to just a bloke you used to know

of course you are right about the level of friendship and I have a small circle of friends that I would class the same.  Its obvious that in reaching out to us he has exhausted the goodwill of his family and the friends I knew he had 6 years ago in London.

Give him a lift to the nearest service station on the longest motorway you can find and tell him how great it is at the other end. Give him a fiver to get 2 coffees and run whilst he is gone.

I remember asking a similar question on here a few years ago. Don’t give them money, don’t let them stay with you.

I learned the hard way.

Things have escalated in the last 24 hours.  He has run out of money and turned up at one of the other chaps houses.  He has let him in and is trying to persuade him to go to some kind of detox centre.  I don’t think he knows quite how to get rid of him or where to send him 🙁

I have blocked him from all contact channels and social media but I would like to offer the other guy some practical help, but not sure where we can send / take him! Nightmare

I’d contact either his parents/sister to collect him or alternatively contact the local council to see what help they can give in terms of detoxing and temporary accommodation. Your friend isnt in a place or trained to help him come off the alcohol.

If the other guy doesnt want help, but only a place to stay and borrow money to continuing drinking – your friend needs to be careful that he isn’t dragged down with him. Difficult situation.

Seems there is some restraining order although we are not clear if that is with the sister or mother.  clearly he has been abusive to close family.

The only way I am going to get involved is to physically help remove him from the other guys house.  Just trying to work out where, short of dumping him on the streets.

I would look at recovery drug and alcohol recovery centres for the homeless.  e.g. ttp://www.kairoscommunity.org.uk/

No idea about them, just one of the hits on google “hostels for alcohol abusers”.  He needs a moment of clarity, to realise where he is, who he is, and what he is and get serious about making some positive steps.

A stay at one of these places, and some time with others in the same boat, might be what he needs to climb out of the hole he’s in.  Another day, week or month sleeping on sofas and sponging of ever-distant acquaintances is definitely not going to give him that.  More time doing the same again is only going to mean he’s further away from help, further away from getting a decent life back and closer to death.  Sit him down and tell him that, or help your mate tell him

This needs to be the only option now, because all the others are worse.

Just trying to work out where, short of dumping him on the streets.

Right outside.

Using reasonable force to remove someone from a place that they have no right to be is one thing.

Forcibly taking them to a place they don’t want to go to is another thing…..called abduction.

The po-po are generallly not cool about that sort of carry on.

The only way I am going to get involved is to physically help remove him from the other guys house. Just trying to work out where, short of dumping him on the streets.

unfortunately, there won’t be an awful lot you can do. See what options there are in your area but unless he’s got £x,000 to spend on rehab you might be stuck.

Went through this with a good mate.  We went to the local drug & alcohol people – they were talking about waiting lists and places where you have to be sober to get into – the addict needs to want to co-operate. They’ll need to be referred by doctors and probably get onto universal credit.

You can’t make him do anything he doesn’t want to do, so it might have to just be the street.  But call (or pay a visit to) your local drug/alcohol charity for advice – they tend to be staffed by saints.

WWSTD…? what on earth does that mean? is it a mumsnet abbreviation? I could google but wanted to air my confusion.

Just saying, its probably because im over 40

is it a mumsnet abbreviation?

Obviously not, or it would be WWMND

WWSTD

What Would Single Track Do? I’m guessing.

In my case, offer to put him in front of people who can help, maybe even offer to cover a hotel for a night or 3, but not much more. Certainly he wouldn’t be invited into my home, and he wouldn’t get any money I wanted back either. It may be different if it was a very good friend or family member, but a work colleague I’ve not spoken to in 6 years? No more than that at all.

WWSTD

Would **** Sailors Twice Daily

it gets pretty lairy in here sometimes

Don’t give them money, don’t let them stay with you.

I learned the hard way.

Snap.