Short minimal character non-offensive jokes…

along the lines of

2 fish in a tank….

2 nuns in a bath…

Venison is dear, isn't it.

It is, in fact its dead deer.

dwarf shortage

There are only 10 types of people in the World. Those that understand binary and those that don't.

Horse walks into a bar. barman says why the long face.

Bear walks into a bar and says a pint of………………………………………………………………….bitter please. The barman says, why the big pause.

Thump's favourite (aged 3 and a half):
Guess what?
Nothing!

What's ET short for?
Cos he had little legs .

Penguin walks in to a bar, says to the barman, "Have you seen my brother?"
Barman replies, "What does he look like?"

What is brown and sticky?

A stick.

man goes into drs with steering wheel sticking out from his fly, says " Dr, you gotta help me, this things driving me nuts"

Detained without trial

Dressed in orange

Asked questions they don't know the answers to

How would you like to work in Homebase?

An assistant in B&Q asked me if I wanted decking, so I punched him…

Did you hear about the man with no legs who was thrown off the dance floor for arseing around?

Bloke goes into a pet shop & says, 'I want to buy a bee' Pet shop guy says, 'sorry but we don't sell bees' Blokey says, 'but you've got one in the window'

Skeleton goes into a bar & says, 'can I have a pint of lager & a mop'

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

Went down the road and turned in to a field.

what type of bees produce milk?

boo-bees.

whats pink, stiff and makes women squeal in the morning?

cot death

What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out your pyjamas?

Your mum….

I've got a stray parrot in our garden all it says is , 'good morning you ugly f*cker'. Its not yours is it?

What's black and makes women cry?

Gordon Brown's handwriting.

Two elephants fell off a cliff.

Boom boom!

How do you make a Polo Mint laugh?

Tickle its hole….

2 drums and a cymbal fell off a cliff.

Ba-dum
Tssssch

Two muffins in an oven, one says to the other, "God, its hot in here!"

"OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN!!!" says the other.

from my five year old:
-What do cats like in their drinks?
-Mice cubes.

The weather forecast today in Iraq

Sunni in some places & Shi'ite in others

what do you call an artist with a brown finger? Picasso
what 6" long and starts with a P? A jobby.

What's the best way to kill a circus?

Go for the juggler

Why did Robinson Crusoe only work 4 days a week?

Because he always got his work done by friday.

Woman walks into a bar an asks the barman for a double entendre, so he gave her one.

Two monkeys in the bath.

First one says "ooh oooh aah aaaah ooo aggghhh!"

Second one says "well put some cold in then"

Why are Native American chiefs buried on the top of hills?

Because they're dead.

Why do morris dancers wear bells?

So they can annoy the blind, as well.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it the microwave until it's Bill Withers

You're invited to the Premature Ejaculation Ball 2009

Dress code :
Come in your pants.

How do you titillate an Ocelot? You oscillate its titalot

What's brown and sticky?

Anal.