This is a bit of a tricky one for me!

It’s never been a family secret that myself (and brother and sister) are adopted, lots of people know, but we’ve come to a time where I may need to raise the subject with my daughter (age 11), before someone else does.

My main problem is that she has a great relationship with my parents and I’d really hate to spoil that. I’m a bit worried she’d think of them as ‘not proper grandparents’ and my wife’s parents would become the ‘real’ ones. Admittedly this is a unlikely, but kids brains don’t always think rationally! My mother is not in favour of telling her, but my father thinks we should.

The issue has come to the surface as my sister has recently adopted 2 children of her own so this naturally means adoption is discussed.

It’s got to come up sometime (when medical history may be an issue), but I was always kind of favoured waiting until my parents died. (one is 75 other is 79).

Just wondered whether there were any other adoptees who’ve been through similar?

(NB – I’ve never bother to trace my birth parents, and probably never will)

better to have said it from the start IMHO – what my family did
However they will find out one day so the question is how and when you tell them not if. I am not sure why you wish to wait till your parents die – see what you said YOUR PARENTS. that is what counts what is in your heart and the kids will lose the chance to ask gramps anything they want if you wait till they die – they might live for another 20 years as well.
IME kids dont have the hang ups we do and they will cope with it fine. FWIW my kids dont view step grandparents any different from real ones
However you do it best of luck and I am sure it will be fine.

You are lucky to have two parent who love you and who you love – i am not adopted and it was not something I got

Transparency & honesty in a loving relationship – what’s not to like?

+1

Tricky one that, when I was 10 I found out my grandfather on my mum’s side wasn’t her father (complicated family arrangement before IVF)

For a short while it changed my attitude to him but I grew out of that and as he lived to 98 I got to know him really well.
I’m not sure if it helped that we all got on really well though as I do know of people really resenting non blood family?

Not much help I know, but probably best to go with your gut feelings.

Tell them! My dad was adopted, I knew that from a young age, my grandparents were my grandparents that never changed.

My dad did eventually decided to find his biological parents, I was a teenager at the time. They’d both passed away, one only a few months before but he got in touch with his sister. We met a few times, nice people but they weren’t my family, he keeps in contact though.

I’m sure your kids will be fine with it, if anything I think I felt more towards my grandparents for it, looking after a child in need that wasn’t their own, they fostered many more too but kept my Dad.

Tell them, I tell mine and they’re not.

Hiding things from kids like that, not a good idea. Unusual circumstances they’ll cope with. Having some big secret kept from them will blow things out of proportion when they do find out.

I’d mention it in a casual kind of way and then be keen to explain and follow up any questions they have.

My grandad was my mum’s stepfather, her dad died when she was young. I don’t remember exactly how I found out but it was a bit of a shrug and carry on thing.

I knew my grandad on my dads side was not actually his dad, but he was there, so he was grandad.

No experience as such, but i’m not in touch with my dad and my step dad has been there since i was like 7.

I’d never really considered how i’d let my daughter know he’s not her biological Grandad. Weird now you’ve made me think of it 😀

If adoption is the topic du jour then i’d probably use your adoption to make the acceptance of the new cousins easier 🙂

Lost as to why you think it would be an issue. They love you, that’s enough, enjoy em while you can.

Tell ’em now. I was told my mum was adopted just before I was getting married. I was a bit stunned that I was only hearing about it then and wondered who else knew already.

I’d defo tell her. If you do it carefully I’m sure it will be ok. Honesty the best policy in cases like this, I reckon. Good luck.

I don’t think its as loaded a topic with extended family as it is with parent/child relationships. Your household relationships are one thing, I don’t think kids see extended family – grannies, aunties, uncles etc in the same way. I (and probably most people) used ‘aunty’ and ‘uncle’ in relation to any families we were closer to – good neighbours, my parents old college friends in other cities that we’d visit, anyone you regularly got a christmas cards addressed to you from, not just the ones we had blood ties with. So I don’t think revealing that adoption somehow shifts a grandparent into a different category – they remain in the category of nice adults you know.

but kids brains don’t always think rationally!

An old friend of mine was told by her older sister when she was a young teenager that she was adopted soon after birth and not to let her parents know that she knew as it would break their hearts. This was before I knew her – how it came to light was we were planning on a college trip together which she needed a passport for. So for that she needed her birth certificate and she was melting down because that meant going back to her parents and asking for it and the whole issue having to come out into the open. This was the first time she’d spoken to anyone about her adopted status that she’d spent the past 6 or 7 years silently coming to terms with. She hadn’t even raised it with her sister since.

She went home, steeled herself for the big moment – birth certificate is produced….. not adopted at all. It had just been some smart-arse off the cuff tease by her sister, who had since long. long forgotten she’d ever said it.

Hiding things from kids like that, not a good idea.

Thing is it’s never been purposefully hidden, it’s just never came up until the last year. Sounds a bit dumb now, but I stopped thinking about me being adopted many, many years ago so it just didn’t enter my head!

The issue has come to the surface as my sister has recently adopted 2 children of her own so this naturally means adoption is discussed.

That sounds like the perfect time to raise the issue, to me.

my uncle is married for the second time, no kids with first wife, 3 with the second.

An off the cuff remark at my cousins 21st about his dads first wife was met with “…what do you mean, Dads first wife?”

It was never a secret but at the same time a good time to discuss it never presented itself. However the best way to find out about it was not in the middle of semi-drunken conversation.

There may not be a good time or an easy way to tell raise it, but wouldn’t you rather it was you telling your daughter rather than her finding out in a random way?

I don’t think it’d change her opinion. My grandad was my mom’s stepdad, and I was closer to him than to my dad’s dad. My mom explained when I was about 7 or 8 that her dad had died before I was born, and that Grandad Sid was my nan’s second husband. It didn’t make any difference. :/

We’re off to the sea-side at the weekend so I might broach the subject while were splashing around in the sea rather than a serious sit-down – ‘I’ve got something to tell you’ way.

Yes

My lads adopted and we’ve never kept it quiet, in fact on the inlaw side the whole family make up is not what you’d expect, as in the mother inlaw is actual my wife’s aunt, etc etc.
We’ve been open about it and if the lad has any questions he is free to ask them, he does from time to time and were honest with the answers.
What we dread but it hasn’t happened yet is the time when he says you prefer my sister to me as I’m adopted. Hopefully it won’t come but it might, and he knows his little sister isn’t adopted.

Used to tell our daughter she was a swap out at the hospital, she believed us because she is show stopping georgeous and we’re a right pair of munters.

Daddy was so special that someone chose him.

Tell them.

I was adopted along with one of my other brothers, another being “natural”. I had a “chosen” day as well as a birthday 🙂

It will only be a problem if you delay telling them. Its not unusual.

I would tell him. I think kids are generally more adaptable than we give them credit for and this is not a negative thing.

Tell them

Interesting topic. I’ve had some similar thoughts about my son and my step dad. My father died when I was 2 so my step dad is my dad. Obviously his grandad is his grandad but he should know about his biological grandad even if it is just so he knows who these”other” relatives I have are. He’s not 4 yet though so I suppose I can wait a bit. He still not stopped telling all sorts of random people at all sorts of random times that my brother died after he asked who the man in a photo was from about 6 months ago!

Based on my own experience I would suggest telling them, it’s surprisingly less important to them than you might expect. However they have had the sensitivity to not raise it for discussion when we visit… Something to consider.

When I was 27 I was told my mums Dad was adopted following a health scare. He passed away when I was 10 and I don’t think I would have thought of him any differently (at 10) and I certainly wouldn’t now if he was still here, but it did feel like everyone knew something I didn’t which in a weird way hurt me a little.

I’ve not read through all the replies, so sorry if this has already been said, but in my opinion you should tell her and compare your experience to your sister and her children’s and use it to reassure your daughter that adopted children are no different to biological children in that they are still loved and so her new cousins are ‘real’ family. Good luck with whatever you do.

This thread has just made me realise that my boys, aged 7 and 4, are completely oblivious to the fact that my daughter, age 13, is actually my stepdaughter. She knows, of course, but has never known any different so it’s never been an issue for her. It’s just never crossed my mind that the boys will need to find out one day, but I suppose they will.

I’ve got a Cousin who actually Technically isn’t…

Never actually thought of him being anything other..

Familys are good ‘fun’ at the best of times but IMHO not disclosing stuff
builds it up to being more than it is a later time.

I am adopted, from day dot with my lad he knew. We joked about me being the odd one out etc.

Its only a problem / weird issue if you make it one.

Unless your daughter has had some sort of negative reaction to her newly adopted cousins, then just tell her. I’ll bet that she won’t have an issues at all with it.

And maccruiskeen – I LOLed at this:

She went home, steeled herself for the big moment – birth certificate is produced….. not adopted at all. It had just been some smart-arse off the cuff tease by her sister, who had since long. long forgotten she’d ever said it.

Just for the lighter side if things OP – In the style of big brothers everywhere I used to tell my brother he was adopted all the time and he turned out ok. Well I say ok but… Maybe that’s not a great example.