This has blown up over Christmas, mum worrying about driving down to see us (I’m recovering from surgery so can’t sit in a car for 3 hours).

It occurred to me that even if I persuaded her to make the drive, she’d just worry herself sick about it for two weeks which wouldn’t be fair on her.

Is it normal for people in their mid-late 60s to worry so much? I catch myself thinking that mum might be much happier if she just took something to calm her down, but then feel really guilty about the thought of drugging my mum on valium or whatever it might be!

Train?

I’m 41 and having panic attacks when I drive, I’m worried about picking my Nan up Christmas Day

Discussed that with sister, we’re actually blessed with pretty good transport links but apparently mum has had legitimately bad experiences on bus or train, stranded in freezing stations, cancellations, drunks etc. Not willing to inflict that upon her again.

In good weather (west coast Xmas weather typically wet and mild) it’s a pleasant easy drive, problem is that she fixates on the possibility of it being a howling blizzard, and worries so much that she just decides in advance that she’s not doing it!

My Mum has always worried about driving and got herself in a state about it, even though her driving is pretty good. She just doubts herself and worries unduly.

My sis-in-law is similar and will only drive on routes she knows.

Could you get her booked onto a train?

Is it just driving that she’s worried about? Does she lead an active life with plenty of interests and that involve driving? Is she normally a confident person?

I’m 41 and having panic attacks when I drive, I’m worried about picking my Nan up Christmas Day

@Houns – is that all driving regardless of distance?

Could you, or someone else, take the train to her and be with her on the drive? Or possibly have themselves put on the insurance and do the driving for her?
Admittedly this means more expense, but its one option.
I see that you say you can’t do sitting in a car for 3 hours, is that for the driving, or just the sitting still? Perhaps make it a bit of a long day but plan plenty of long stops along the way?

It depends if I feel ‘trapped’ or with others in car… So motorways, traffic jams etc. Suffered with panic attacks (not just driving) 8-10 years ago and over last few months suffering with them again

It is a good option Seadog, but sort of precluded by my inability to travel! Sister will already have done drive up and down for xmas day etc.

Anyway, I appreciate people trying to solve the immediate problem, but I’m more interested in the general problem, e.g. the worrying issue!

C_G, confident and outgoing normally, would happily do drive in summer etc. It’s the fixating on something and worrying about it for months that bothers me. She is also quite ‘nervous’ or ‘bird-like’ in general, won’t hold a thought for long but will also return to a common worry frequently e.g. state of our pensions, do we have wills etc.

Some of that I’ll put down to just being a loving mother, but still just wonder if she constantly sits at home worrying!

Some folk are just natural worriers. Not much you can do, other than reassure her – snow etc usually doesn’t come until January if at all.

How’s the train service ? Organise Uber from her home to station, train, then collect from destination ?

My sister won’t drive on motorways, never has, just has a ‘block’.

Since my Dad died 7 years ago, my Mum has become permanently worried as there is no-one else to discuss things with at home. Noise from the central heating, telly on the blink, odd looking emails. You name it it’s a potential disaster.

Dad did all the driving when they went anywhere together. It’s about 5 miles from my place to hers- now it’s got darker she doesn’t like to be over ours too late.

Mum and Dad used to go to see my sister & her family 3-4 times a year and Mum has gone on her own before Dad died. Now it’s a major hassle (*) she’ll go maybe once a year.

*Though she has made a few coach trips to Devon to see her sister necessitating a train to London then the coach. This she’ll do at the drop of a hat.

She also worries for other people, like when my nephew popped down to see her the other week from from Grimsby (to Kent).
He’s 24, over 6ft tall, for through 4 years of university and work placements on his own so should be able to cope!

Don’t want to make light of people with serious issues, but I think some people are prone to it and for others it’s circumstances especially if they are on their own and don’t have someone to discuss things with.

Recently retired? My mum was awful with worry for the first few years of retirement, just not busy enough so spent far too much time processing thoughts.
She has calmed down massively now she has found new stuff to be involved with.
Driving isn’t a major worry but she will choose to drive during the day and if she doesn’t leave at her time, she does get a wee bit concerned.

That’s sort of what I suspected FB-ATB, dad passed 3 years ago so she’s rattling about by herself in an empty house, he did all driving etc. New puppy should keep her occupied at least!

She came clean and admitted another fairly legitimate reason for not coming down, so at least she’s not just stressing about the drive.

Crisis averted, sort of. Thanks for responses.

Edit: DB – also same scenario.

Wait and see her when you’ve recovered from your surgery?

Started at about 70 for my mum. Then about 5 years ago they moved over to live nearer us and she pretty much has 5 or 6 places she will drive to, none more than 5 miles away.

She’s not yet dangerous on the road, but feels she is heading that way.

Wait and see her when you’ve recovered from your surgery?

That’s what I would suggest. If she’s worried about driving don’t make her.

Yep, sorry folks, I’ve turned a minor family Christmas squabble into more than it is, crisis over!

FWIW my mother (marginally older than yours) worries so much about driving she hasn’t done it for years. My father has never been particularly keen on long journeys (or family gatherings), and 20 years ago declined an invite for some family thing that was extended to them two months before hand because “the fog can be bad on the M6 in November”.

They rarely drive an hour to visit us on Christmas Day (for various reasons) but usually say something like, “we wouldn’t want to let anyone down if the weather was bad, so it’s probably best we just stay here”. Since his early 60s My dad has particularly disliked driving in the dark (and even worse dark and rain).

MIL doesn’t drive. FIL worries about everything in life, except for driving! But if it was a long drive on Christmas Day he’d be whatsapping the weather forecast daily from now on! He’d actually be even worse if we were driving to him!

My 70 y.o. mother is currently beside herself with worry that her grandchildren’s presents will arrive in time!