Wife resents me cycling – how to manage?

Not mine, but Reddit’s: https://www.reddit.com/r/cycling/comments/1coxx5m/wife_resents_me_cycling_how_to_manage/

I once had a partner who absolutely could not **** stand to see me content or happily doing something on my own. She was far happier if I was bored or waiting or doing anything else but in her presence. Mystifying.

In the words of Monty Python, run away.

Feel sorry for the guy. Life is short.

New patio.

When we got together I was a gym rat, the move to cycling 20 years ago took some careful conversations around family commitments and finances.

Luckily we both do our own separate things, so it’s not just me disappearing for odd times/days

I had a wife like that.

I’ve got a new one now, this one is better

I think it is one of those which would need a bit more context. What is the definition of a “little time”.

With a toddler it could go either way.

I have a friend my age that lived down our road. Married with two kids. He went off road moto riding virtually every weekend. Then a big trip with his mates each year – Simpson desert, Tassie, Himalayas for his 40th etc.

He told me (in front of his wife) that it was effectively a pre-nuptial condition that he got a 2 week biking holiday every year.

Then after 10-15 years she left him.

Sound lie controlling behaviour which will probably never change.  I would get out and accept that marriage was a mistake as why live the rest of your life like that.

If your ‘friends’ wife doesn’t understand what makes you happy and vice versa you are doomed.

A previous mrs100th (a Louise) hated me doing my own thing and felt every weekend should be spent shopping.
I hate shopping.

When there’s young kids about, hobbies need to be managed, unless you can involve the child, and parenting needs to be shared. But all of my partners and now my wife have either been, encouraging; it’s not spending time in the pub or gambling or some other vice. they understand it makes me happy, and so are happy that I’m happy. Or have actively joined in.

choose your partners wisely

Mine actively encourages me to do whatever I fancy doing at most given times. She’s a good un. We’ve been together over 32 years – I dare say that wouldn’t be the case if she resented me doing stuff

My wife doesn’t know I cycle, she just thinks I collect old bikes and hoard bike parts.

Interesting responses so far on here, mostly siding with the cyclist from what it sounds! Personally i reckon more info needed but what’s noticeable is that plenty of those responding on reddit are asking how much time he was spending cycling and there’s no response to that i can see. He was serving military and said he was away a lot and they have a 2 year old too. No info on why she disliked him cycling but I doubt it’s the cycling itself; he needs to have a conversation with his wife.

I get the feeling that some women see the adverts and get the impression we are never happier than when buying **** curtains with them.

Definitely need more context there. He says he’s accommodating if she wants ‘her time’ but if he’s away in the military a lot then she’s a single mother to a 2 year old for all that time. We have no idea if she’s just unhappy that he’ll disappear for a full day at a time when they only get limited time to be a family, and we don’t know anything else about how supportive he is at home. No answer except to talk to each other.

If my wife asked me to choose between her and cycling, it would be cycling. It’s not that I like cycling more but I wouldn’t want to be with someone who gave that ultimatum.

The sensible answer is to talk it out and find a compromise. If that can’t be done then I’d question the relationship.

We don’t have kids which makes it simpler. My wife has a horse, which makes cycling looks cheap and takes loads of time. So we do our own things and then spend time together. We were individuals with lives before we met and that continues (Although we’ve just tipped the balance to being a couple longer than single!).

Sounds like he’s ‘married unaccompanied’. Essentially living weekends and leave periods as a couple. (For me after a 5 hour commute is was 9pm Friday until 5pm Sunday).

Monday to Thursday/Friday meant living in the mess, free of the commitments of homelife, less any financial ones, having food prepped by the chefs, chilling in the bar or communal areas, etc. It is not a bad life at all. Absolutely  much more free than a mother at home with a nipper or two.

Sadly there’s a element of sucking it up, harsh reality of service life i’m afraid. @konagirl nails the salient points.

I spent 5 years working away from Ms. RM, so every weekend was a compromise for both of us. We either spent it together doing stuff or we spent some or all of it apart doing our own thing (she’s a runner).

You add a kid into the mix and it’s a very different kettle of fish altogether.

I can empathise, but service life, with a kid and living/working unaccompanied comes with many more sacrifices and points of tension than most other situations and your wants can and do take a massive hit. The issue is less an ‘unsupportive wife’ but some career and life choices that make certain wants unsustainable.

I can see a few of you applying a civilian frame of reference to this, not saying your opinion is wrong, but without understanding the context, it’s a little off and not as a simple as ‘being made to choose’.

I didn’t read the post at all to be fair. Purely commenting on my own experience of my ex who hated me doing my own thing, which tended to be 1 evening a week at the skatepark. It created resentment and led to her finding other company, which she could of course justify, and now I’m happily married to someone who understands that I need to have my own time too.

Resentment in relationships is a killer, I firmly believe.

@keefezza, that’s fair. Ms. RM did have a few complaints when I was still in, all valid. Now I’m out and we’re living together as regular humans do, it would be a different conversations if there was an issue.

I know plenty of people in my circle who have very similar issues with significant others. Can be quite simple or quite complex as to why there is friction. Unmet needs to jealousy.

I’ve been with my wife for 30 years and married for 24. I love her to bits. She actively encourages me to ride…… There’s got to be a catch…..She’s called Louise! 😮

Once your wife/partner gets a horse there are never any arguments about time spent doing or cost of MTBing..

So the answer to the OP on the Reddit thread is “buy a horse for your wife’s next birthday present”, then?

I found the trailer thing worked pretty well when my son was round about that age.  He was happy enough there for a couple of hours, it let me get out on the bike, and it gave the mrs a bit of a break.

+ 1 for trailer. Absolute game changer.

Both of my kids loved the trailer and I believe it sowed the seed as they have grown up with a love of riding.
Great training towing a couple of toddlers for an hour or two and it gave Mrs sandboy some free time for whatever she wanted to do. A big win, win.

Traded mine in for a new model, she didn’t mind me cycling I just fancied an upgrade and I was out of contract.

It’s easier once kids grow up, but I’ve tended to fit cycling into the day as a commute, then I don’t need to go out for hours at weekends. We both have hobbies so that helps. We’re camping this week in Bala. Right on the lakeside so she can go swimming, we are both learning to paddleboard and I can just go for a quick spin round the lake in 45 minutes each day. I don’t need to disappear for hours as we’re busy enough.

Traded mine in for a new model, she didn’t mind me cycling I just fancied an upgrade and I was out of contract.

I’m far past the warranty period but I’m just grateful my legacy partner has agreed to continue support. My switching options are limited due to hardware that’s inferior to later releases and buggy software…

Once your wife/partner gets a horse an ebike there are never any arguments about time spent doing or cost of MTBing..

Just spent most of the day out on a ride together. (Not a “wife”, can’t see me ever having one of those again)

This one doesn’t even tell me off when I go blasting down the trail, leaving her behind (38mph max today 😁). I think she’s a keeper! 😍

“wife resents _____”

Just insert any pastime IME.

When my wife moans about my cycling, I offer to quit and take up much more wholesome activities like drinking, smoking and gambling.

If my wife asked me to choose between her and cycling, it would be cycling. It’s not that I like cycling more but I wouldn’t want to be with someone who gave that ultimatum.

That.

I’m divorced and much happier now.

When my kids were young, I only cycled from the front door and only at times that did not impact on family life. Young kids take up a lot of time, besides I didn’t have kids to not spend with them.

I encourage my wife to do her activities as I know it means she’ll be happier and also more likely to reciprocate.

Madame Edukator has a horse so is always busy. I ride with the horse club too so we still see each other.🥰

Wife cycles and has one bike more than I do.

There are three bikes of hers on the living room wall.

Its been good. And she has her own personal bike mechanic (me, of course).

A lot of people dont have any hobbies so probably don’t understand when we go cycling for hours at a time.

I’ve watched my best friend’s marriage break up with this as one of the primary reasons. He likes riding his bike, would do so when he could; when it fitted in with family. Once a week for fun generally, plus commutes, plus a weekend trip away or two each year.

This was deemed too much and didn’t show commitment to the family.

Ultimately, there were more fundamental compatibility issues in the relationship, but this was how it manifested – in the very tangible activity he took part in and was easy for her to call out.

“Once a week for fun generally, plus commutes, plus a weekend trip away or two each year.”

Pretty minimal. Any hobby like golf or fishing would easily exceed that. Shouldn’t have got married (to her) in the first place.