When your heading for Rock Bottom, how do you know when you get there ?

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  • When your heading for Rock Bottom, how do you know when you get there ?
  • Premier Icon lowey
    Subscriber

    Dont usually venture into the chat forum, but you guys are all friends, and I need a download.

    Jan 8th. Wife annouces she is leaving me. 20 years and 2 kids down the spout. Make preparation for her to leave.
    Feb 2nd. Mum has 2nd stroke. Admitted to hospital and contracts pneumonia.
    Feb 8th.. wife cannot control herself and tells the kids we are splitting up (no mention of the fact that she is leaving me).
    Early hours Feb 9th… Mum dies. holding her and my dads hand as she slipped away.
    Long blur…….During which wife announces that she will move out on the 17th.
    Feb 16th. Mums funeral day. Phone rings at 5am. Calls at that time never bring good news. Wife’s nan died suddenly overnight. She was like a nan to me too.
    10.30am Mums funeral.
    1pm.. tell the kids about their great grandma, GG to them. Heartbreak.

    Wife still moving out tomorrow.

    Work.. well, not good.

    So, how do you know when you have reached the bottom ? I thought I had hit it three times this year only to be plunged further. I’m a positive person, but you need to know when to start climbing again.

    Sorry for the glum, I usually never post on chat, but needed to download to friends. Because, thats what this place has given me. Lots of Friends, some I have met and some I have yet to meet.

    Kit
    Member

    some I have yet to meet

    Yeah you lazy bum, get yer act together ๐Ÿ˜‰

    user-removed
    Member

    Christ! Well, as long as you’re laying off the booze, I see no reason why you shouldn’t come through this with no visible scars.

    So, how do you know when you have reached the bottom ?

    You know cause you meet me on your travels.

    Lowey – you’ve posted some bad shit on here recently. Ive never met you but that’s some stuff that will wear any man down. Slap yourself on the back for getting through this so far. If I was a real man I’d give you a hug.

    stuey
    Member

    How old are your children – mine help me through the rough times – they’re stronger than you think.

    Hairychested
    Member

    If you think about it your situation sucks. Can it get worse? Of course it can, so stop wondering. How old are the kids? Nippers or late teens? makes a lot of difference. You probably should sod the wife but it’s easier said than done.
    Don’t drink, not a drop. Not sure about going for a ride either. I’d give myself plenty of time and try to be patient. Maybe a good book?
    Make yourself a sarnie, brew a cuppa, read something worthy. Life will move on regardless of your actions, don’t fight it.
    And if you need an argument this place will give you one. For now, calm and peaceful, all you need to be.

    Premier Icon ton
    Subscriber

    Dave mate, i thought i was having a bad time.
    my troubles are **** all to all that mate.

    keep strong mate, for the kids sake as much as your own.
    and dont be afraid to ask for friends help either.
    you have a lot of good friends on here and your mates who you hang with.

    Premier Icon midlifecrashes
    Subscriber

    Nothing wrong with feeling down when that train rolls over you.

    Remember that none of those particular events is goinjg to happen again and that even if it’s tough this week it’ll likely be better next week, and better again the week after. With that big a hit though, don’t do anything to stop you getting up again however slow. It’ll be sunny tomorrow and the snowdrops are out. Keep off the bottle and keep on the chat. Good luck and (manly) hugs.

    big_n_daft
    Member

    if you can, talk to work, not to give the details but to let them know that home life is stressful and that some understanding would be helpful for a bit. Also that you’ll bounce back bigger and better. (if they are idiots, tell them nothing, keep a “work face” and keep it ticking over)

    keep talking to the kids, don’t fight in front of them, give them lots of love and cuddles, don’t bad mouth the wife to them

    go for a ride with Graham, the grumpy old git will cheer you up with a few MTFU’s

    good luck and keep going

    samuri
    Member

    Jesus H Christ Dave, that really does sound like a shit ride. There’s nothing to say obviously.

    To answer your question, when you literally teeter on the edge of a cliff and attempt to make a decision whether to go over or not, that’s where I say the bottom rung is. But that’s just me, only been there twice. No idea if I’ll go there again. Glad I didn’t do it yet though. I’ve got bills to pay and people who need me.

    Bikes sounds like a good cure for all ailments, and friends, you’ve got lots I’m sure. And you can always borrow my dildo if you want. Best put a clean condom on it though.

    druidh
    Member

    Not good. That’s a lot of grief to take at once. However, the very fact that you are being rational and realising it’s an issue is a good start. Hiding your head in the sand won’t resolve anything.

    Have a word with your boss – can you get some time off while you start to deal with this?

    Have a proper heart-to-heart with your kids. Explain how you feel and outline your commitment to them. They need you now as much as you need them.

    Mostly, don’t be afraid to talk about it – either here or with your “real-life” friends.

    Premier Icon NZCol
    Subscriber

    Without getting all mumsnetty on you…sorry to hear of it and i can only offer that at least it all happened at once !
    You need to look after yourself to look after anyone else. Your wife (well ex I assume soon) timing is appaling and demonstrates a simple lack of empathy. But hey ho, each to their own. She has made her decision and is probably all over the place as well. All you can do is try and find positives, please speak to your employer, you never know they might be willing to offer help and flexibility. Speak to someone you trust or if you can’t then use any anon service if you feel like spouting forth. I’ve done this during particularly dark times and it really helped me. I sought out a bit of counselling too just to get my thoughts in a straight line. Ultimately your kids love you, you’re their dad and always will be nothing changes. It’s up to you to show them what a real human being does and what is and isn’t appropriate behaviour. Every now and then get 10 minutes to yourself and find something positive to think about. Ultimately it’s not all bad. Good luck. ๐Ÿ™‚

    simonralli2
    Member

    While I am not too sure how much I can say to help you with the positive vibes, try and remember that you are not the only person in the world to hit such a low.

    With you mother, I am very sorry to hear that. When my sister suddenly died, a doctor told me to just go with the flow with my emotions. She was my best friend. I had a bit of a breakdown in a very public place, but you know what, people didn’t judge me, some complete strangers came up to me and just sat with me and they were great.

    As for your wife, well I can’t say I have been in the same situation, but when my sister died I had just had a really really bad break up with a girlfriend. All I can say is that of course it is a tough situation, and for now try not to be too hard on yourself, and try and know that things will be ok in the future, maybe some time away, but try and learn from this, and in the lows just try and see how you can take something, if anything, positive from the situation. I had the feeling that I was going through something that only happened to other people, but you realise that no, this is happening to you. You’re not alone, people have gone through things which maybe not similar but are in the same ball park, and there are always people who will help you through it.

    Big love

    Si

    wors
    Member

    you have a lot of good friends on here and your mates who you hang with

    Ton speaks the truth, doors always open, kettles always on mate.

    sharki
    Member

    Dave.

    It’s always horrible to read these threads but also so warming to think that we are seen as more than just a forum of cyclists.

    It’s certainly been a rough time for you over the last couple months and clearly you’ve shown character and strength enough to come here and share it all, it’s often the last thing we do when we’re down so low and feeling beyond help.

    It’s never easy to know when you’re at the very bottom and whether for good or bad they many never get as low as they could.
    If you are a positive person, that should give you the power and strength of mind to be able to look at things rationally and begin the slow climb out.
    It won’t always be an upwards journey, along the way things will happen that will push you back down and try to drive you further beyond levels you’ve ever been before.

    If the times come when you feel you don’t want to play in the world no more, that is the time to take serious measures and get as much help as possible to avoid those feelings, it might take medication, it might take CBT maybe even a bloody long walk, but with help the climb out can be made to feel easier, do it with friends and those close to you and not the ones against you.

    Avoid as much as possible negative situations, and deal with things one at a time not all at once. You start to climb now Lowey, don’t wait to step into the cold dark pit of nothingness, fight to stay out of it, you may walk on the edge at times, but look up and into the light of a new day and the journey will seem an easier one.

    E-mail in my addy, chat or message me on FB if you want,as you know i’ve been through it too, albeit on a different level.

    Thoughts are with you during these hard times.

    Shane

    user-removed
    Member

    At a very low point, I was given three basic rules to live by; positive thinking, leave people places and things better than you found them, self reliance.

    They’ve served me well and can be applied to all manner of situations.

    Thanks to John Ridgway and his amazing daughter. Best of British to you.

    Premier Icon Capt. Kronos
    Subscriber

    I like that user-removed… good rules to live by!

    Lowey – sent a proper reply via email as it was a bit long winded to go into here!

    TandemJeremy
    Member

    some very good advice there. I don’t have a lot to add apart from consider professinal help in getting some perspective on things. relationship counselling can be done on your own and bereavement counselling is available thru cruse

    It can be very useful in finding some perspective

    pinches
    Member

    some very good advice that i can also relate to at the moment.

    Your situation is undoubtedly nothing compared to what happened to me last week, but i am coping by being positive, keeping myself busy and trying to get myself settled.

    i’m sure theres something in the water at the moment mate, i know of at least 10 people (one being me) that have all broken up with their S/O within the last month.

    Keep your chin up and just ride it out.

    Diane
    Member

    Lowey – sorry to hear that

    You have more strength than you know – really you do

    It wont always be so black but it will be shit from time to time

    My bike saved me and continues to do so – use it

    Thinking of you x

    Premier Icon Pik n Mix
    Subscriber

    Knowing your near the bottom is half the fight won.

    However you recover from it you will learn so much about yourself as a person, that in turn will help you next time (there will be a next time)

    The roller coaster of life continues ๐Ÿ˜‰

    don simon
    Member

    Doesn’t sound too good there, but you WILL come out of it. It might sound corny but when things get a little shitty I always have Chumbawumba Tubthumping to fall back on… ‘I get knocked down but I get up again, you’re never going to keep me down’ etc.
    Having just (about) survived the worst six months of my life, I’m trying to decide if I have survived through stubborness or tenacity??? ๐Ÿ˜•
    Knowing that there are going to be better times ahead is a good motivator too…
    Get out there and kick some ass!

    as long as you’re laying off the booze,

    that will wear any man down. Slap yourself on the back for getting through this so far.

    dont be afraid to ask for friends help either.

    Remember that none of those particular events is goinjg to happen again and that even if it’s tough this week it’ll likely be better next week, and better again the week after

    your kids love you, you’re their dad and always will be nothing changes.

    You’re not alone, people have gone through things which maybe not similar but are in the same ball park, and there are always people who will help you through it.

    clearly you’ve shown character and strength enough to come here and share it all,

    relationship counselling can be done on your own and bereavement counselling is available thru cruse

    You have more strength than you know – really you do

    and

    Knowing your near the bottom is half the fight won.

    +1billion.

    elaine anne
    Member

    jesus thats rock-bottom alright…hey if you have a close friend to talk to…it helps…realy sorry for all your bad encounters..all i can say it will get better with ‘time’ in the ‘future’…
    stay away from alcohol…get out and about on the bike if you can as much as possible..keep your chin up and keep thinking positive from now on…things will slowly get better ๐Ÿ˜‰

    stratobiker
    Member

    Bon Courage mate.

    You’ve certainly got it tough at the moment.
    At the very least, you and your dad were there to say goodbye to your mum.

    I wish you strength and courage. Just take it half a day at a time. Thank God for you children.

    allthepies
    Member

    Hang on in there mate, life seems to have kicked you right where it hurts and there’s not a lot I can say really. Good luck and IT WILL GET BETTER!

    Premier Icon Drac
    Subscriber

    Well I’ve just had my gripes put into perspective.

    Dave many sympathies at many levels. There’s not really a real bottom but when your down a small knock back puts you further down. What you’ve had is some of the most stressful things you can have happen is a very short period

    Your talking about and that’s good. Don’t spend every working day wondering why, talk and meet with friends. Family is good but friends give you that seperation you can’t get with family. Exercise lots as much as you can, again it gives you that break. Alcohol is fine but small amount now and then to relax.

    You’ve always said you want to ride up here. Well give me a shout and let’s get something sorted. A whole change of scene will work wonders too.

    Be brave chin up and remember your kids will always love you.

    Premier Icon Sandwich
    Subscriber

    Does your employer run an anonymous counselling service as part of your “package”. Talk their ears off or ring the Samaritans they don’t just do suicides.
    All the best for the future.
    Mike

    forgot to ask, where are you based?

    DeeJay
    Member

    Dave – real sorry to hear that – there is some sound advice for you here – will be thinking of you

    yunki
    Member

    you have told us that you’re a positive thinker.. so make sure you focus on a positive future..
    a positive future will then be sat there ready and waiting once all of the external influences have finished having their fun with you..

    don’t worry.. you’re a long way from rock bottom..
    however..
    you can always tell that you’ve hit it as rock bottom’s arrival is invariably heralded by rampaging platoons of bedbugs..

    mrsflash
    Member

    Dave, if you ever fancy a change of scene, come over and do some Leeds riding, you’re always welcome. Spot of grub & slice of cake at the ready, just say the word. xx

    Premier Icon yoshimi
    Subscriber

    Your misses timing is ^%*ยฃ)! awful ๐Ÿ˜

    I was in a pretty bad place a few years ago with my first wife; drug addiction, being sectioned, visiting her morning noon and night for best part of a year in a psychiatric hospital, helping her back to the real world only for her to then clear out all my savings, run up all my credit cards and run off with some other coke head bloke to carry on getting high (she ended up being sectioned again)………yep rubbish. I was left a wreck with no confidence, huge debts and no reason for carrying on.

    During this time I’d retreated into my own little bubble, not bothered with my friends and had the weight of the world on my shoulders; you will know when you’ve hit bottom.

    Then one night my dad literally dragged me out of the house to go to the pub; I saw a couple of old friends, got chatting and a week later went to Amsterdam with them. For the next few years we were going out all the time, having weekends away, going to gigs every week and having fun. THis couldn’t carry on forever, my body just wouldn’t take it but it was a good transition from the dark days to renewed faith in life.

    Maybe there’s not a lot of point to this story other than friends are more important than you imagine; use them!

    hora
    Member

    Have you been a nightmare to be around recently?
    – This is me. I’ve taken out alot on mrshora. Unfairly. Like a right bitter old man. Its not her fault my Dad died but shes felt like shes walking on egg-shells 24/7 around me.
    Have you been riding too much?

    Sometimes we drift away from the ones we love as we obsess too much and our other halve’s feel lonely and unloved. Almost like an employee in the relationship.

    soobalias
    Member

    first thing to do is stop yourself thinking that ‘things cant get any worse’

    they always can, always.

    grumm
    Member

    Well I’ve just had my gripes put into perspective.

    This!

    Not much to add tbh other than sending you my best wishes that things will get better – which they will, it just might take time.

    I’d second the bit about not drinking at all either – it really doesn’t help.

    Illegitimi non carborundum

    that’s a lot of shit for anybody in one foul sweep .if you wanna get out and away from it for a bit , I’ll be riding over to meet graham in the quarries on sunday am -up the coal road into cragg anfd thn over to lee .you can always com e and have the crack and you get to listen to inconsequential shite over a pint afterwards.mart

    Premier Icon yoshimi
    Subscriber

    I’m not sure I buy the whole not drinking thing – I know you’re partial to the Bank Top Brewery Bitter.

    Drinking smart price whiskey on your own isn’t what I mean though – Go out, see your mates, have fun, have a drink – I know for a fact you’re level headed enough to know when to stop.

    dooosuk
    Member

    TandemJeremy – Member
    …and bereavement counselling is available thru cruse

    Well I hope the OP has more luck with Cruse (if he chooses to use them) than my future mother in law did when she phoned them a month or so ago after losing her husband. They weren’t interested, never phoned her back when they said they would etc.

    Junkyard
    Member

    hard to say – you know how rough my last year has been – suddenly you just notice the fog / cloud seems to have lifted and you are getting back to your feet. Stuff knocks you sideways but you just keep going -hard though as you are trying to do stuff for the kids as well and hold them together whilst you are on your arse
    Like going uphill you put your head down and you just keep gurning and going then one day you get to the top see the beutiful views and have a great downhil as your reward.
    As Jase says door always open kettle on etc

    I’d second the bit about not drinking at all either

    I agree being stoned was much more helpful to me – sometimes we need something to dull the pain just dont over do it- you would be far more miserable if you stopped and it is not in your nature to not drink

    Cheers to si something he said ona night ride made me stop – I doubt he realises how significant it was and I never thanked him

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