Never been in a gym before. Always fancied having a body like Bruce Lee. Had a couple of serious accidents in two consecutive years. Fitness and strength at an all time low.

That’s the boring bit out of the way. I now have access to a gym at my new job. It’s sitting right outside my office and it’s full of big expensive stuff that I have no idea how to use.

We have spinning machines, rowing machines, treadmills, those eliptical mooching machines, kettle bells, free weights, weight bench, squat rack and loads of other gadgets lying around. We’ve also got something that they call the Bingo Wings machine with a cord connected to some weights that you pull on.

So what’s your favourite bit of kit and why? I have asked at work but nobody touches the stuff. They just take off on the road bikes every day.

I’m just bewildered by the sheer amount of information and conflicting opinions available. So I’m also open to suggestions of any trustworthy literature, websites or even Youtube videos that can give me a better understanding of weight training. I think I’m just a bit scared to go off half cocked and get injured or just do something slightly wrong for ages until something goes pop!

I personally just want to increase upper body strength after breaking a load of bones and being idle for a couple of years. I would also like to be able to go longer and harder on the DH bike before fatigue kicks in. The cardio will come, now that I’m back on a bike but I’m perfectly open to using a spinning machine. Just interested in learning some good techniques to get me started.

Help me go from this;

to this;

I always kick off with 5 mins on the rower. Gets the heart pumping and also works arms/legs so I’m not hitting the weights from cold.

Do not, I repeat, do not just fixate on the lycra clad milfage that abounds.

Oh, go on then. Why not.

Buy yer roids.

Deadlifts.

I’d say it’s person specific. In my case I spend 15-20 mins warming up, stretching and lifting light weights to achieve the required flexibility for the actual training. I mainly focus on my back / hips which take a while to obtain full flexibility from cold. I’ve just evolved a routine which works for me and means I can hit bigger lifts without risking pulling something.

Start off with a beginners weight training program. It will be something like 3 times a week, full body workout using combination of free weights and machines. After a couple of weeks make notes of the weights and reps you do, then change them.

Two or three months down the line you can begin to do splits I.e one or two body parts per session, 4-5 times a week.

Diet and rest are just as important. Expect big gains in the first few months, then it gets harder but more fun.

Sniff the saddle on the exercise bikes

Look for the biggest dude in there, then punch him in the throat.

It’s the only way they’ll respect you.

Jamie, you missed out, ‘give him a gentle cupping’ before punching him.

Kiss your guns. You’ll go from this:

to this:

in no time.

Other than that, well, I’m getting a lot out of Crossfit at the moment, so if there’s a ‘box’ near you, maybe give that a try?

Do not, I repeat, do not just fixate on the lycra clad milfage that abounds.

Oh, go on then. Why not.

You say that like you really go to a gym.

Look up stronglifts 5×5 45m to an hour 3 times a week, great place to start.

Sadly, DD, I cancelled the gym use and membership when we moved out of town permanently.

Plenty of village milfage, though.

Speak to the personal trainers, ask lots of questions on the induction.

Remember to burn extra calories by walking round rattling your protein shake(*) at every opportunity.

*ETA (for Flashy) – not a euphemism.

5 or 10 minutes at a decent rate on the rower, work up a light sweat. I’d then maybe go on the eliptical cross trainer thingy for another 10, and then 10 on the treadmill at a comfortable but “decent workout” pace. That’ll get your cardio/vascular side pumping nicely, and you’ll be nicely warmed up for some sweaty weight work.
Nice n east to start though, find your limit and up it every week. It gets easier.

Thepurist, I was about to ask if your milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.

Some good advice buried in here.

This gym is at work though, so a) no MILFs and b) no personal trainers. On the plus side, I have to it myself. Only 20 people work in my building and they’re either roadies that go out or fatties that head for the chip shop.

I like the sound of the beginners weight training program but where do I find one? Any examples I can rip off?

I have access to this place for 1 hour every day Monday to Friday so I know I have a good opportunity to build some kind of super-soldier program for myself. I just don’t know where to start.

I always kick off with a thorough towel whipping of others in the changing room.

Wait till the resident big lad is doing a 500lb bench press. Teabag him.

check out youtube 1 hour work out

[video]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sEw99tlwwQU[/video]

I was about to ask if your milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

Damn right, it’s better than yours…

Ignore how American it is and this is pretty good

http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/beginner_weight_training.htm

All preparation for before you move to a more free weights based routine…

One other tip, when you start an routine, make the times you go a habit. For example if you wanna go Monday Wednesday Friday lunchtime, do that. Don’t think “I’ll go some time Monday depending in work, social invites etc” as that is when you miss sessions. make Monday lunchtime (or whatever) gym time 🙂

is that a vacuum packed dog shit?

Everyone at my gym is on growth hormones.

From a personal point of view i’d carry a bag of antibacterial wipes and clean the holds on every machine i was about to use, and fart very loudly on every exertion as that seemed to be the done thing to do when i spent a week at my local gym, then again i have only been to a gym for that one week before i feared for my immune system so my advice is probably null and void – your gym is prob a bit better than my council run effort wi 5 machines (i stay in the middle of nowhere) and the nearest proper gym wi fit milfs in lululemon leggings is 30 miles away.

😆

check out the canned drink dispenser and theres normally one with chocolate bars and or crisps.. not cheap but guarenteed to bulk up quicker than exercise..

First thing to do is warm up, one way go for a short run first, next thing to do is work out what you’re after, then get a set of routines and rotate them, three sets each with a rest interval in between, start off with a few reps and build up each week increasing the number.

Lifting heavy weights build bulk, lots of repetitions builds stamina.

20mins of cross trainer intervals
3 circuits. 8-10 exercises, various, dumbell, kettlbell, bodyweight
shower change, back at desk just inside an hour.

but i look nothing like picture 2, so probably dont follow my advice.

First thing to do in a gym… Scratch yer nuts!

Already said it but seriously look up stronglifts 5×5 for good beginner routine.

Lifting heavy weights build bulk, lots of repetitions builds stamina.

Er, no. Lifting heavy weights with a calorie surplus is what builds muscle.

Whether your goal is gaining muscle, losing fat, improving posture, strengthening knees/back/joints, increasing flexibility, etc, lifting heavy free weights is the best, most efficient use of your time in the gym. In fact except for warmup/cooldown (very important) I personally wouldn’t bother doing much else.

I would recommend downloading a copy of the book Starting Strength and taking it from there. It’s like Stronglifts but written by someone who actually knows what he’s talking about 🙂

As to the first thing you should do in the gym: I get it clear in my head what I’m going to do that session, then do exactly that, no more or less, giving the work sets 100%.

I joined a local gym, and was there for the first time on Friday. The trainer asked me what I wanted to work on, so I asked which machine I should use to impress the gorgeous blonde on the treadmill.

His reply ? ” Try a cash machine you fat bastard.”

You don’t really need to go to the gym these days!

If that is true ^ and he genuinely did that to himself then i’d be happy to stand next to his hospital bed and pour scorn, or rather warm piss released from my bladder on his withered stumps.

We should encourage this type of behaviour as it’d reduce the number of **** wits in existence.

Before you start – Take a selfie and tell everyone you are at the gym, otherwise your workout will be pointless!