Whats the difference between a train carraige and a miscarraige?
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You can't eat a train carraige 😳

what's the difference between an egg and a wnak?
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you can beat an egg.

Someone accused me of being pretentious the other day.

I nearly choked on my skinny frappe latte.

BBC News "BA facing record financial losses of £600m"

No wonder he did those terrible snickers adverts.

I can't see an end.
I have no control and I don't think there's any escape – I don't even have a home anymore.

Definitely time for a new keyboard.

My wife's just like Heather Mills.

She only wears half the f***ing shoes she buys.

Mickey Mouse goes to the solicitor 'you can't divorce your wife for having buck teeth….'

'No, she's **** goofy'

A Chineseman walks into a bar with a bright green, 3 foot tall parrot on one shoulder. The bar man says "That's unusual, where did you get a thing like that?".
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The Parrot says: "China"

what's the difference between 'light' and 'hard'?

you can get to sleep with a light on

Dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse…

These 3D TVs are really realistic.

I fell asleep on the sofa the other night whilst watching a Liverpool game and when I woke up my wallet was gone.

I was in bed with my new girlfriend last night and she said mine was the biggest penis she'd ever had her hands on.

I said "You're pulling my leg".

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I was woken up last night by the bulimic girl next door.

I banged on the wall and shouted "For god's sake, keep it down!"

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My OH said she's worried about my drinking problem.

I said it's not a problem because I drink DOT5 – I can stop anytime I want.

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Next door's kids have just challenged me to a water fight.

Thought I'd pop on here and tell everyone whilst I'm waiting for the kettle to boil.

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Whiteboards are remarkable.

The problem with simple origami is twofold.

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A mate of mine is totally obsessed with monorails.

He has a one-track mind.

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I read a story about a Dutch girl with inflateable footwear the other day. It was very sad – at the end, she popped her clogs.

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Each night somebody mysteriously adds soil to my allotment… the plot thickens.

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I saw a clown car crash once.

There were bodies lying all over the place in funny positions.

My mum's got this weird fetish for sleeping with boxing gloves.

Her doctor thinks it's a virus but I just think she's going through a rocky patch.

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A convention of opticians? I can't see it myself.

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Landfill sites. What a load of old rubbish.

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I went playing lawn bowls at the weekend, and they told me I'd need to wear glasses when playing. Apparently, it's a non-contact sport.

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What do you call a woman with a toothpick in her head?

Olive.

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Top tip. Don't confuse laxatives with viagra. It makes you crap in bed.

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Teenager asks his nan, "Nan, have you seen my, uh, medicine? They're tablets marked LSD. I can't find them."

Nan says "Bugger the tablets – have you see the dragons in the kitchen?!"

Man goes to the doctor.

"Doctor, I'm having some trouble… uh, down there."

After a moment's thought the doc says, "Ah well, I think I've found the problem sir. You're going to have to stop masturbating."

"I … I … are you sure? I didn't see that one coming. Why's that doc?"

"Well, I'm trying to examine you."

What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
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A BABOOM

Whats red and invisible?

No tomatoes!

what's got 2 legs and bleeds?

half a dog

what's black and white and eats like a horse?

a zebra

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

Dam!

How do you crucify a spastic?
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On a swastika.

What's better than throwing babies off a cliff?

Catching them with a pitchfork.

Telegraph asks, Should there be a review of Shotgun laws?

Why should one angry motorist affect the way we decide who rides in the front?
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Stephen Hawking seems to have a chip on his shoulder.

Whoops! Typo. I meant chin.
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I explained to the doctor, "Whenever I harvest our cornfields, I get a really bad headache."

"It's a migraine," he explained.

"No, it's not, it's mine – and why the **** have you started speaking Italian?

Andy_B – Member

what's black and white and eats like a horse?

a zebra

PMSL !

What do you do if a bird craps on your car?

Don't take her out again!

What's the biggest drawback in the jungle?

An elephant's foreskin

"Well, I'm trying to examine you."

Cougar – I just wet myself laughing at that

How do you get Pikachu on a bus?

Pok'e'mon

Whats red and invisible?

No tomatoes!

Cheers wee-al, that's my new favourite.