Elderly (82) mother, living alone 200 miles away, before the apocalypse I was staying a couple of times a month (working down there), checking on her etc

Her balance and movements have been a bit of an issue for awhile, shuffling instead if walking properly, eventually end of last year they discovered a benign growth/tumour in her brain which they think has been there for years, which they believe is the cause, plus evidence of a minor stroke at some point, she had a course of Radio Therapy to try to shrink the growth about 6 weeks ago, however things seem to have got worse.

Recently she has begun to fall in the night, can’t get up on her own, has an emergency alert thing on her wrist which results in an ambulance being sent there to help her. Fortunately, so far she has not injured herself too badly, nothing broken just a black eye.

After this happened twice in two nights my brother (who lives a bit closer, 100 miles away), went there and has been staying with her for the last week, he has had to pick her up every night, meaning if he hadn’t been there the ambulance would have been every night, he’s caught her a couple of times during the day too.

Various agencies are involved, but things seem really slow, no home help visits in place yet even through GP etc all know what’s going on, I’m surprised about the sluggishness as this is New Milton Hampshire, which is effectively one massive old people’s home, perhaps they are overwhelmed, but there seems to be a myriad of websites and agencies, but its not very integrated.

Anyway, brother is optimistic that lack of confidence and strength is the issue and instead of sitting in front of the TV she needs to get out and move around, so he’s staying with her until Thursday and doing little things like walking to a chair on a communal lawn and sitting in the sun for a bit, seems to be tiring her out a bit, but obviously you have to try to be optimistic.

Anyway, come Thursday my brother will have to return home, and clearly someone needs to be there, so I will be breaking the lockdown and not just travelling 200 miles and meeting someone over 70, but actually staying in their house, no Covid symptoms and no known exposure to anyone who has, so I guess the risk is minimal, I’ll have a wee before I leave so I reckon I can do the drive in one go.

Anyway, my real worry is what to do next, I guess hassling the local authorities again from tomorrow to get some home help is key, but they can’t be picking her up every morning after she’s been lying on the bathroom floor for hours, so I could be stuck there for some time (or until my brother can return), it’s not a sustainable strategy, although fortunately I can work from there pretty much as easily as from my home.

So really unless she dramatically improves over the next week to 10 days, then a care home is likely to be the only option, she’s actually not averse to the idea, I guess there are plenty of vacancies at the moment too, for less than ideal reasons.

Really I’d like her to move nearer me or my brother, but she’s not really into the idea of leaving her 2 or 3 friends (which she hasn’t seen for months and is unlikely to for a few months more, if ever), and even likes the idea of going to the same home she put her mother in 25 years ago (she died 15 years ago), just around the corner from where she lives now. But being 200 miles away, and having no where for us to stay, is going to make it even harder for us to all see her regularly.

Shuffling instead of walking? Falling?

This sounds like what my dad has – hyponatremia, chronic sodium deficiency. That causes altered gait, and confusion. If you get an infection, it shows up as increased sodium deficiency (but no temperature or other signs of infection), which results in falls, and increasingly bizarre behaviour.

The infection was sorted out with a few nights in the John Radcliffe and an IV antibiotic. There’s no fix for the chronic sodium deficiency (AFAIK) but he’s a lot better than when he had the invisible falling-down illness.

, then a care home is likely to be the only option, she’s actually not averse to the idea

We looked into this. The local care home was willing to take my dad (kinda) but he would have had to be in isolation in the care home for 2 weeks, which I think would be very hard. Don’t underestimate how ghastly that would be.

Definitely get a GP to run some blood tests.

That was the initial diagnosis actually, treatment didn’t work, hence more tests and eventually a scan which spotted the growth and lesions from the stroke

Definitely get a GP to run some blood tests.

Good luck with that. Down here in East Devon they have run away and barricaded themselves in the health center – part time as non of them work full time.
My wife was refused a free referral to a dermatologist ‘to save resources’ so had to pay for one herself.
The actions of GP’s should also be included in the inquiry if it ever happens.

It does sound like her safety is at risk, isn’t that best dealt with in the care home?

When my mum couldn’t look after herself any more, we couldn’t see any other option. That was different tho, she’d had carers at home for a year, wasn’t really eating. She had over 7 years in the home.

Yours is an essential journey. Take precautions and feel guilt-free. Could your mother eventually move to a home between you and your brother? 50 miles each way for both of you sounds a lot better than 1/200 miles.

Yeah, I think a care home is the only real option, but brother wants to try to see if she can improve her stability first, I’m not really that optimistic. I think near one of us would be best, as then who ever is visiting can stay with the other and also see other members of the family and the one of us who is nearer can visit quite regularly without driving miles.

Even having to drive a greatly reduced 50 miles to visit mum several times a week would be a chore long term..

I would want her residing in the same town as yourself or your brother , would make things so much easier going forward , but a tough situation all round regardless , hope things get resolved for your family.

Is she a house owner? Does she want to stay there? Equity release to pay for private carers? You should be able to get the carers quite quickly and you can have them sleeping there so are available to help in the night. Expensive option tho

You’re doing good, you and your brother. These are the most essential journeys, don’t worry about the COVID curtain twitchers.

Next time she has a fall, or even a funny episode, 999 and ambo to hospital if you can wangle it. I’d convince the paramedics by outlining all her symptoms and recent falling and fatigue. Better still if you can have a good chat with the GP, who can arrange an admission directly without waiting for a trigger crisis. There’s something going on and it needs a proper investigation.

The upside of an overnight admission, is that before she is released it will trigger an occupational health assessment, what she is capable of, and what level of support she needs. The hospital then drives getting these in place ready for discharge. This is called reablement and is free for a variable length of time up to six weeks, though it may be only one or two. Not thinking directly about the money, it gets you over the hurdle of doing the assessment, finding carer agencies etc. Once they are in place, you and her can take over the financing if they are needed long term and she is staying put in her own place. You should be assigned to a social work team and introduced to a named key worker. We’ve been through all this over the past couple of years, and the teams from James Cook Hospital and Middlesbrough council made it all work pretty smoothly and kept my dad at home where he wanted to be for a year or so longer than we thought feasible.

A side issue, look into sunlight exposure after radio therapy, it’s usually a big no.

All the best.

Feel for you. Its hard when they deteriorate. My Mum has gone from very Sheltered housing to a care Home during lockdown (after a swab test came back negative). She had been getting more agitated at night trying to return to her home. She walked out at 1 am and walked 2.5 miles to our old street where she eventually got picked up by the police.

Social services were the drive for getting her admitted and can’t praise them highly enough for what they managed to do in these times of having overnight carer in and then admitting to a care home within 3 days.

I’m 5.5 hours drive away and my sister about an hour so can understand that difficulty.

Maybe push social services as she is clearly an at risk person.