My mother once called me a son of a bitch during an argument. Couldn’t understand why I agreed with her.

I said half two. She looked confused. The guide clarified by saying two thirty. Woman then turned to me and ask why I couldn’t speak English properly!

Technically, she’d have a point, as it should be ‘half past two’… 😉

Also, you weren’t using the correct vernacular according to the country you were in….

Ex once booked a surprise holiday to Tunisia. With great delight she explained how it was as close as you can get to Africa without leaving Europe.

“whats an ARAF?”

If you run over an Araf, you get chased by the Heddlu and taken to the Gorsaf…

There was a lad in my class called Araf. He wasn’t slow though. I hope he never visits Wales…. 😳

Talking to a local in Dubrovnik who worked as a guide for tourists from the cruise ships. She listed her favourite tourist quotes as follows:

“What film was this set built for?”
“Do they have washing machines in Croatia?”

And my favourite:

“Do they take the walls down at night?”

NB. The walls of Dubrovnik are about 20 metres high, 4 metres thick and made of stone.

Closer to home, my mate’s other half has a startling natural talent for malapropisms and spoonerisms. She once turned up at my place with a stinking cold, telling me that she’d just been to the herbalist to buy some euthanasia.

She also once likened an event to “Killing two birds with one bush”.

Me, to Mrs BigJohn, in Austria: “Which hotel are we staying in?”
Mrs BigJohn “The Zimmer Frei”

Similarly we gave a lift to a guy hitchhiking in New Zealand. He worked on the tourist boats at Milford Sound (which is basically a big picturesque fjord).

Two classics he told us about:

Excited Tourist: “What time do they release the dolphins?”

and

(Tourist pointing to steep hillsides covered in trees) “Can you settle an argument: my wife says those trees are real, but I think they are fake…”

Wife at Whipsnade: “Look at the size of those rabbits!!!!” as a wallaby gets up and hops off 😆 . In her defense, we were a little way off, but even so…

Whilst working in the states a colleague asks “so where about is Wales in England”

I’ve heard that too, from an American tourist to a scouser I used to work with. “Where exactly in England is Scotland?”

The same woman, about half a minute later, said to him, “gee, I just love your English accent. Say something in ‘English’ for us!”

His reply, all scouse deadpan, “pearl ‘arbour.”

RAF fastjet Pilot after 10 billion quids worth of training

“Is there Clear Air Turbulence in that cloud?”

An aeroplance can take off from a treadmill.

An aeroplance can take off from a treadmil

A girl I used to work with:

Her: why do you wear shorts then get changed every morning?
Me: I cycle in, I commute through fields and don’t want my suit to get muddy.
Her: I drive my Mini through a field too, should I wear shorts so I don’t get my clothes muddy?

In a meeting on cost cutting:
“I sharpen my pencils at both ends so they last longer”

When the female toilet was out of service and we had to share:
Her: Men are stupid for putting the seat up, if you leave it down you get more to sit on
Me: We wee standing up
Her: What out of your Penis?

On why her measurements were wrong:
“I turned the ruler round so it was less so we could save money”

A friend has freakishly good hearing. My wife said he has “the ears of a hawk”.

Also, I asked how much her planned trip to the hairdresser for hair straightening would cost. Her response: “About as much as a perm”.

I’m not sure if I’m stupid as I don’t know how much a perm is, or she’s stupid for thinking that I would know this.

After we flew first class our friend asked what it was like.
I told her you got leather seats and electric windows. She was very impressed.

In Texas I was invited to a BBQ and was introduced as “This is Richard he is from Wales he is Walesish 😆

thegreatape – Member

Was she also on the lookout for all the ARAFs that you slowed down for?

I’ll put my hands up to this one, I went for a motorbike ride in Wales and I said “Wow, amazing that we’ve done so much quality riding around one town!”, thinking Araf was the place name.

****ing welsh, make me look stoopid will ya?

yes yes I know. There was actually a guy in my class who had a laptop with braille keys and my mind was blown.
Still…I laughed :)!

A couple:

An Irish colleague from college said “So you’re gay. Does that mean you have sex with those lesbians then?”. He also said “The Chunnel – is it being dug to take boats?”

My mate turned up at college (Bangor) for his first day as PhD student wondering where this enormous place called ‘Traeth’ was.

In a meeting on cost cutting:
“I sharpen my pencils at both ends so they last longer”

That’s quite, quite special. Bless.

As funny as these stories are I would still like a bit more detail on emsz and her friend getting caught out and whether rachel got her torque wrench.
STW the soap!

Actually elf, I was in Canada and the Canadians understood just fine.

Not said to me but cracks me up
[video]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6TBc7h-VGIU[/video]

Gee Jay

😆 😆

LOLing at these.

Teaboy, that’s the sort of conversation my mum has every day!! (she manages a salon)

My boss asked me today- ‘what’s the name of that actor who is in the More Than Freeman adverts?’

My boss asked me today- ‘what’s the name of that actor who is in the More Than Freeman adverts?’

Why’s that a stupid question? 😕

Her: What out of your Penis?

That would stop me in my tracks, eyes staring, mouth open!

The mind boggles as to what misapprehensions she could have been labouring under. Probably about her bits too!?

My boss asked me today- ‘what’s the name of that actor who is in the More Than Freeman adverts?’

The American impressionist Josh Robert Thompson apparently.

American Tourist in Edinburgh, “It’s funny that they built the Castle right in the city centre to make it easy to get too, but then went and built it right at the top of the hill”. ❓

Strange indeed……

Once got a message from a colleague: “Someone rang your desk while you were at lunch. Needs you to call back ASAP. Refused to give his name. Said you have his number.”

thv3

Thats a good one.

A couple from tourists in Edinburgh

“excuse me – where is the castle?” we were on princes street 🙂 answer – “see that big building on the crag up there?”

During the festival – “can you tell me where the theatre is please?” Edinburgh has half a dozen all year round and dozens more temporary ones in the festival

I’ve always wondered if we’re being subtly trolled by America over the castle/close to station thing. I had it chalked up as an urban myth til I’d had it happen myself.

On a sea kayaking trip in a remote fjord in New Zealand. As we paddled past a waterfall a Welsh female piped up with “Is that a permanent fountain?” 😯 Same person also enquired about the ‘axe’ that the group leader was paddling with. Er, that’s actually called a paddle love.

Six years later I still smile when I see a waterfall.

Anytime anyone says “I told you so..”

F@£$ OFF!

She asked what time the lift closed. I said half two. She looked confused. The guide clarified by saying two thirty. Woman then turned to me and ask why I couldn’t speak English properly!.

The Americans have quite a different manner of talking about time. A girl at the bus stop here in the US leant over and wanted to look at my watch to see the time. My watch is in 24hr – it showed, say, 16:45.
Her: What time is that?

In a similar style, saying ‘a fortnight’ will confuse them. Therefore I use it often 😆

The Americans have quite a different manner of talking about time

Yeah, it’s a unit of distance.