The zig to the zag

Once swapped a Nitro RC car for an air rifle, kid broke the RC car very quick, tried to make out it was no good (he just hadn’t read the instructions). My newly acquired gun was at a mutual friends house, the kid I did the swap with was there and effectively stole it.

He had nasty older brothers, I ended up with neither,his parents/siblings were all basically scroungers/ruffians so it wasn’t worth the hassle of getting involved in a dispute with them.

Once at school I got detention for ‘messing about with the noticeboard’ when in fact I was merely sticking a drawing pin back in that had fallen to the floor. Been suspicious that all teachers are ego centric van en kers ever since, even the ones I’m friends with.

I’m a middle class white dude, the whole world’s out to get me.

I once got detention for not handing an essay in, before the essay was due in.

They based ‘minority report’ on my school…

I mistakenly delivered a sofa to a guy who wouldn’t pay for it or give it back.

Quite a few things. NornIrn was such fun in the 70s.

I mistakenly delivered a sofa to a guy who wouldn’t pay for it or give it back.

😀 Don’t know why that made me laugh, but it did.

I once got called a ‘fcking w*nker’ and pelted with stones by a naked three year-old girl in wellies. I was visiting family in Cheetham Hill if that explains anything.

I’m a middle class white dude in the uk evil does not really feature in my life aside for my ex wife for a brief period.

In first year at school, I turned up for Friday art class after a week off sick. I was surprised when the art teacher dragged me into the corridor by my collar and told me to stand there until further notice. Turned out, the preceding week, the class had been about safety around the kilns and the huge importance of leaving schoolbags outside. Having missed the class, I’d just thrown my bag on the floor.

Strange, the things we carry around in our brains.

Got Type 1 diabetes for my birthday just after completing my Merchant Navy cadetship and getting my Engineering Officer ticket; meant end of what had became a very short career.

Twenty years ago now and I’m in a happier place and in a job I love. Can’t even recall what it is like not to be diabetic.

Once got detention for sitting down…

I was sat down with my arms crossed, teacher was having a go at someone else then sat down and crossed their arms (after me) then flipped their lid shouting “are you mocking me?!”

This very night I “offered” to take dear daughter on a training run ready for trials next Saturday. I now have pains in every rib!!!

mrs ton wont let me have a pint until feb 1st….. 🙁

someone threw an egg at me from a car as I was walking through finsbury park once, I was stoned, it freaked me out.

Known petty criminal stole my Marin when I was 14 from outside the shop where I was buying MBUK.
He got banged up though shortly after but no sign of my bike.
He wound up dead with his head caved in several years later… karma is strong.

My parents, after seeing what my sister looked like, still conceived another child, me.

What kind of sadistic bastards would do a thing like that? They excelled themselves as well. While possessing the rudimentary superficial characteristics of a human, it was underneath where they managed to embed the real nastiness. I’d find it hard to say which was the worse thing they did. The knotted intestines, the appalling eyesight, the fundamentally flawed teeth and mandibles…

No, I’d go for the rollercoaster mood swings they gave me. Brilliant. From the euphoric 5 day benders of alcohol, drugs, sex, fighting and madness to the 3 weeks of abusive, relationship destroying, hateful, face punching self-loathing spirals of spite. Yep, fricking ace. Thanks.

All over now though…

oh.

someone threw an egg at me from a car as I was walking through finsbury park once, I was stoned, it freaked me out.

Were they punch drunk?

Blondes.

I owned an Ellsworth once

I just evicted a tenant (no rent paid for 9 months, that’s why) & the house is/was a stinky shithole. Besides what it’s cost just to get him out it also cost me £150 for a skip to put all the crap in that he left behind, which was full when I’d finished.
Dirty, scruffy, thieving **** that he is/was.

In a bid to exclude my involvement with our kids after our separation my ex filed an affa-davit accusing me of sexually abusing them. Allegations later quashed in court. Lots more evil from her to

Jon, don’t be so hard on yourself, it must be cool to have mandibles.

My wife insults me almost every day. She started about 10 minutes before we tied the knot; I wish I’d seen the light and had the balls to call it off at that moment.

Born with a head full of deep brown hair

Then, when I turned 13, I grew ginger pubes 🙁

Had £800 quid stolen from me by a letting agent/landlord. Common thieves dressed in nice suits. Utter vermin, scum of the earth.

Had two bikes stolen back in 2002 – But I still have more contempt for the letting agent/landlord.

I owned an Ellsworth once

Oh the humanity.. 🙁
‘Salt’n’soss’ in a chippy in Cumbernauld is mine..

Jon, don’t be so hard on yourself, it must be cool to have mandibles.

you have them too.

How’s China, my old china?

Isn’t China a funny word when you see it written down?

Then, when I turned 13, I grew ginger pubes 🙁

Now that is harsh.