I find that spending the last 15 mins writing a list of the things I need to do the next day. I know it sounds counterintuitive, if I can finish the day by having a clear picture of what I’m doing the next day, it helps me just put it away until the next day.

I don’t know your specific circumstances, but I think you need to learn to apply segregation between your work and non-work life, and be smarter about how you apply your skills in your current role. Also, I suspect you may suffer from imposter syndrome. Have a think about that, as it can make good people burn themselves out. Here’s my advice. YMMV.

Number one – stop checking email in the evenings. I used to be a sucker for this myself when I was busy. You get into a false mindset whereby you convince yourself that; by batting away work in the evening, somehow you’re going to make tomorrow more manageable. You won’t. It’ll hardly make any difference, but you’ll always be exhausted, stressed, and feel on high alert. Unless you work in a job where someone might die if you’re not checking email out of hours, turn that sh*t off. You need to very consciously decide that when you shut the lid of that laptop at the end of the day (whenever that is) you’re done. Also, FYI it makes YOU look out of control to your peers if you’re forever replying to emails at night.

Secondly, don’t be a hero. Only take on tasks where your specific and unique skills allow you to add value beyond that of your colleagues. Businesses rely on heroes but they’re unhealthy for both parties. It’s unhealthy for you, as you end up burnt out, chasing your tail, trying to do everything because you think you’re the only person who can do a job correctly. It’s bad for the company too, ‘cos when you finally get fed up and hand in your notice, they’re f*cked. Place a bit more value on your skills and ability (…not just your capacity to take on work) and use this wisdom to decide whether you should be taking ownership of a task. Ultimately, unless your name’s above the door, if plates smash and you know you’re delivering value against what your employer brought you in to do, it ain’t your problem.

So, try that ^. Put some boundaries in place. Stop trying to be the hero. Value yourself. Focus your efforts on where you can best add value.

Good luck, and if it all falls to sh*t, leave. Life’s too short to let work make you miserable. There are always other jobs out there, and believe me – it doesn’t take much to stand out from the competition if you’re a driven individual (…which by the sounds of things you are)

Also, wear sunscreen.

I suffer a bit with this. Had a great conversation with one of our directors recently who reminded me ‘it’s only a job’

I think there is a thing that we all want to be respected at work, well paid and have a fulfilling home life.

I’ve recently had to make the effort on the last one. I’ve got much more involved in scouting and it’s really helping me to remember I have an office me and a home me.

What do you want to do to fulfil yourself?

I have no problem whatsoever switching off as soon as I log off – and don’t check emails out of hours.

I didn’t use to be like this, but getting laid off (and not for the first time) in 2009 was the eye-opener as I’d only months before got a big payrise and bonus for doing a brilliant job (global team of 50). And then the company decided to change tack…

Since then I’ve worked my hours and done my job in the time available – anything else isn’t my problem. I am though an SME in my field, and mid 50’s, so coming to the end of my working life – and not interested anymore about climbing the ‘ladder’.

And night-riding – when I’m riding nothing is in my mind but riding, and when night-riding on the MTB all I’m focusing on is what’s in my lights.

I’m probably going to be controversial. No not trolling… But OP says:

I just love what I do and I’m very passionate about it more than anything, but I do find it hard to switch off,

…so can’t live like them, but I know and have worked with a fair few successful (in career terms, but not notably to the detriment of other areas) people who live their lives like this, with work fairly constant and bleeding into everything (including academics, politicians, business folks etc).

So just go with it could be an option?

I just love what I do and I’m very passionate about it more than anything, but I do find it hard to switch off,

I resemble that comment. When work is a vocation it becomes defining. I’m a scientist and a geek. That is who I am. And you don’t switch off really. Mrs TiRed moans that very dog walk becomes a COvId discussion. She’s very forgiving.

But then by early afternoon as I’m trying to manage the workload I start feeling stressed, anxious, knot in the chest etc etc all over again.

That doesn’t sound good at all and almost certainly isn’t doing you any good.

Can you raise this with your line manager / HR?

I suspect the solution is reducing the work load….

Getting home at 7 when you have kids sucks and by the sounds of it so does the job. Look for a new one and have a better life.

If you’re work is stressing you out up to 50% of the time and it’s affecting your home and personal life, is it not time to look for alternative work where you aren’t as stressed all the time?

Does your line manager know the huge impact it’s having on your life, saying that do they even care or acknowledge it, if not I refer you to point 1.

Solve the root problem before you start applying a band-aid / plaster to hide the issues.

I struggle with this a lot, although maybe not as much as I used too.

When I took my first ever CBT course this was one of the topics. One of the things that was suggested to me was to make sure the first thing I did when I got home was change out of whatever I was wearing for work that day and into something fresh. This helped me disconnect from work, and I found it worked.

Other than that, you need to make some time for something other than what you have mentioned above. Even if it is only 20-30 minutes.

NEVER EVER check work emails or regularly do additional work out of office time. (unless you are being paid specifically additional for it).

When i had a role that had stress manifest itself like yours (always worrying about what needed to be done, affecting moods, wellbeing) I got a different job.

Life is too short.

What you have is stress. So do start having the conversations with your family and with your work about what it might take to slowly move away from that situation. Even if you get 2 weeks where the workload isn’t there, that’s not enough time to recover from the previous stressful period and it just accumulates. It may be your managers aren’t aware of your workload and you are putting too much pressure on yourself, or if they are the ones putting unrealistic expectations on you, it’s time for a frank chat. It is not sustainable and do not ever feel guilty for not ‘managing’ an unrealistic workload.

I’ve had a period where I felt I couldn’t control my workload or stress at what the job required from me. I too was lucky that I could leave the job, supported by my partner I moved on to something a bit different.

In the short term while you work on a better work-life balance through either changing your requirements at work or potentially changing jobs, do consider the exercise suggestions seriously. I found pre-covid my 35 minute cycle commute really took my mind away from work. I’m now trying Couch to 5K for the umpteenth time, immediately after work. To get to sleep, try mindfulness or podcasts. If neither work and you find your mind wandering, count from 1 to 100, then do it again and again. Each time your mind wanders, as soon as you become aware your not counting, go back to the last number you remember and start again. Don’t get annoyed just focus on the counting and you’ll eventually go. And try to avoid alcohol and caffeine.

Good luck OP. The impacts of work-related stress on people’s lives, wellbeing and happiness is massively underestimated IMO.

It doesn’t sound like a very sustainable situation. You may hit a wall at some point and be unable to go on.

Speaking more generally, it’s not uncommon for people to burn out as they get older. Many jobs use young people up like matches; my previous career in oil & gas was a case in point.

If I can offer some advice it’s that there’s no shame in doing something else even if it’s lower pay and status. It’s certainly unhealthy to be held hostage by a job for purposes of money or identity. This is why people crack up eventually due to work stress.

What do you do in the evening to disconnect from stresses of work?

Watch Chinese or world history from various perspectives on YouTube. Fascinating as the world repeats itself.

Also they way some of the experts narrate the past make me sleep … so so soothing.

write down what needs to be done tomorrow before shutting work computer down so the to-do list you normally think about when you go to bed is already done

Unfortunately I have teams and outlook on my work phone so can see the notifications pile up through the evening, turned them off mostly but I still have a separate private phone for now.

cycle home

yoga helped me when i was doing it

weed and booze

learn to realise when you are having imaginary work arguments and stop it

I know and have worked with a fair few successful (in career terms, but not notably to the detriment of other areas) people who live their lives like this, with work fairly constant and bleeding into everything (including academics, politicians, business folks etc).

So just go with it could be an option?

Describes my fiancee – academic – to a tee. Does my head in sometimes, but I (most of the time) manage to accept its just who she is.

I also used to get mega stressed about work, but I found (a) going to a 4-day week; and (b) getting better at my job, helped massively.

The latter probably sounds arrogant, but its not meant too – I’ve just been in my role for 4 years now and while it can still be challenging and stressful, I’m confident enough to know that if anything goes completely tits up, chances are it won’t be my fault and I’ll be able to handle it as well as anyone could expect of me.

I’ve also learned it’s not unreasonable to sometimes leave on time even if something is blowing up.

It doesn’t sound like a very sustainable situation. You may hit a wall at some point and be unable to go on.

Speaking more generally, it’s not uncommon for people to burn out as they get older.

Yup – My missus did really badly – she didn’t work over her 35 hours but she cared so much and tried so hard that in the end the gulf between the service she wanted to provide and the service she was able to provide with the resources she had available broke her completely.  Took a year to recover

Happened to me as well – promoted beyond by capabilities / skill set.  Again I didn’t really go over my hours but it did fill my thoughts outside of work a fair bit.  I didn’t realise how badly I was stressed until I quit.  the day I quit I felt ten feet tall with the weight gone

Nothing is worth a job that makes you ill

Weed and booze is a really bad idea if you are stressed.  It may help in the moment but all you are doing is putting a sticking plaster on and giving yourself the potential for further issues down the line

If you want a company to look after you, become a shareholder, not an employee. Gone are the days with jobs/careers for life. Just remember, if the SHTF in companies nowadays, they would drop you like a hot potato.

So in that vein, log on at 8, log off at 4. And in the intervening time between 16.00 to 08.00, thats my time. I go mostly mountain biking (surprisingly being on a MTB forum).

Seen too many redundancies at companies lately which resembled the Hunger Games to give 2 flying xxxx’s about anyone i work for. Always on the look out for someone who will pay me more.

As others have said, you need to switch off.

Give them an inch, they’ll take a mile. The more you do, the more theyll expect you to do and lastly, no good deed ever goes unpunished.

i play squash. i always book a game for 16:20 so i have to down tools at 4pm and leave. it helps maintain a definitive end of the day, which is something the employers encourage tbf. if i dont turn up or im late its letting other people down, as oppose to walking the dog or riding my bike which i can just delay… i dont tend to play on wednesdays and as such inevitably just carry on working. never had any issues logging off at 12:30 on friday though, and work generally wont enter my head again till monday.

After almost 2 decades of BS DRUGS off the doc to treat depression I took matters into my own hands and started to make and micro dose my own DMT.

Was a revelation.added bonus was to listen to Terrence McKenna podcasts explaining the meaning of life as I drift off to sleep

Need be careful with it tho.

Weed and booze just caused more problems.