We have 9 year old twins and they are generally your standard kids – they both have good days and bad days, both have good points and bad points. However… Child A is able to concentrate, be told to do something and she’ll do it. But Child B drives us to distraction at times – even when told to listen (ie, ‘Right, listen, this is what you need to do – are you listening [yes]. Okay then – before school you need to do x, y and z’) she’ll just zone out and completely forget what to do. Yesterday she was in a personal (ie, one to one) music lesson and her teacher was giving her instructions and she just zoned out and started playing on the instrument. She has always been like this but as she is getting older and is expected to be taking more and more responsibility for herself, we are getting concerned about how to help her best deal with things otherwise we fear she will start to struggle.

Does anyone have any tips/experiences/suggestions that we can consider? Thank you!

(Below is a visualisation of her)

My middle boy is exactly the same so watching with interest.  He can literally forget what you’ve told him in under a second.  Leave him to do something and he will simply never complete the task, be it homework/cleaning his teeth/getting dressed etc.  He’s 8.

For day to day stuff a chart with what to do in what order is often useful. Pictures associated with each step, space underneath for the child to indicate that step is complete (a tick or a sticker) and then they know they can start the next one. Some sort of reward associated with completing a task (either time on a toy, or a parent reading a book to them etc etc).

For more ad-hoc encounters it’s more difficult. Remove distractions (in this example put the instrument down before the discussion), maintain eye contact (if she’s comfortable doing that, if not then don;t force it, it will just increase anxiety).

Generally,

1) explain what you’re going to talk about.
2) talk about it
3) tell them that you’ve talked about it and that they can carry on with something else.

Some warning can help ‘we’ll do X in 10 minutes’ ‘X in 5 minutes’ etc then there’s prior knowledge and not somethign being sprung on the kid.

Also, talk to the school – I’m not saying going down the EHCP route is appropriate but a discussion with the teacher and TA’s about how you can all work together with a common approach to this will help as it means the same experience around tasks/discussions at home and school which will help.

(I am not an expert but I’ve picked up bits over the years from my wife who is).

If it is like they are in their own time and space, they probably have ASD.

I fitted a small blackboard to my kids bedroom doors that a list can be written down and followed, although having a list to read can become a distraction in itself.

Break the teaching into smaller chunks by finding ways they can relate to.

The teaching should not be more than 20 mins or whatever the child can absorb and depending on the different time of the day.

Cannot have one teaching method to suit all as we all learn differently.

If it is like they are in their own time and space, they probably have ASD.

Even that can be taught if you understand them.  It is by no means a disadvantage provided you do not apply “one side fits all” teaching method.

p/s: also you can show them the result first then ask if they are interested then “backward engineer” the teaching.

Generally,

1) explain what you’re going to talk about.
2) talk about it
3) tell them that you’ve talked about it and that they can carry on with something else.

Some warning can help ‘we’ll do X in 10 minutes’ ‘X in 5 minutes’ etc then there’s prior knowledge and not somethign being sprung on the kid.

We generally do this (especially when she is at her worst). And yes, we know she is slightly on the ‘spectrum’ but only very mildly so. If it helps, she also struggles with emotions, frustrations, anger etc and has an acute sense of not being a disappointment to others as well as an expectation of others to always do the right thing. She is also *VERY* perceptive of our emotions (I cannot hide my feelings from her as a slight change in my tone, a facial expression or even just my body language will be spotted).

What you should do is……………………………………………………………………look! A bee 🐝

In all seriousness my son is similar to this and we also use the approach as outlined above.

I’d talk to the school and see what support they can offer (they’ll have a SENCO).

Generally though it’s consistency that’s key – keep the routines, errm, routine.

That’s me at school and even now, my youngest is the same she even has the same thought processes as me. She gets extra support in lessons with more one to one tuition.

Have you considered this?

https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/central-auditory.html

Without starting a panic, lots of the descriptions above about kids are very much like my cousin when she was that age. Turns out she has epilepsy, very mild form mind.  Worth getting checked out though…

Be patient. My twins are now 17 and one is still very much like this…it does get better, but not by a lot!

Can’t really add much to the advice above – it is difficult when it’s twins as rewards can be counter productive (twin A always does the task well and expects a reward, twin B tries sometimes, sees his brother getting the rewards all the time, thinks ‘its not fair’ and gives up even trying.

EDIT – should say that they are both now looking at universities and are top students, so keep up hope!

Appearing to not be listening while listening – yes. Appearing to be listening and not listening – yes again. First patiently find out what’s going on. For the first, fidget toys are useful, and removing other distractions e.g the other twin. For the second, just patience and more patience. I have less than my wife and tend to repeat ‘focus’ as a key word. Me – I can only remember two instructions on a good day, single instructions and lists can work. But then I do sometimes forget to look at the list.

You might want to look at ADHD too, if you have not already considered it. Girls and boys tend to present quite differently, girls usually have more problems with attention deficit than hyperactivity. With both ASD and ADHD girls are often better at masking too.

For day to day stuff a chart with what to do in what order is often useful. Pictures associated with each step, space underneath for the child to indicate that step is complete (a tick or a sticker) and then they know they can start the next one. Some sort of reward associated with completing a task (either time on a toy, or a parent reading a book to them etc etc).

This sounds uncannily like my working day. I may suggest to my employers that they need to improve the reward system if I’m going to tick off all the tasks assigned to me. It’s not easy keeping focused when working from home.

(twin A always does the task well and expects a reward, twin B tries sometimes, sees his brother getting the rewards all the time, thinks ‘its not fair’ and gives up even trying.

That is pretty much our situation:-(

That is pretty much our situation:-(

One thing that has worked for us is a list of tasks, with varying rewards that they can choose from themselves. Stops the comparison between brothers (and one getting disillusioned).

My middle boy is exactly the same so watching with interest.  He can literally forget what you’ve told him in under a second.  Leave him to do something and he will simply never complete the task, be it homework/cleaning his teeth/getting dressed etc.  He’s 8.

I’m 45 and I’m like this! 😀

Though much improved, but really comes down to something sparking my interest or not. If it’s a chore but I’m really not interested, then it goes on the procrastination pile and never gets done, unless it really does have to be done, but will be last minute. Good way of filtering I find 😀

With work I’ll get introduced to people but just not interested and yes two seconds and their name has gone and not really paid attention to what they’re talking about either.

If it’s something I’m fascinated in though I’ll listen intently.

Work stuff I might enjoy and more so bike maintenance stuff, I’ll be all over it, but I get obsessed about doing it right so can spend a long time over it. Kind of odd. Very short attention span for stuff I’m not interested in, but opposite for that I am.