I pay your ‘kin wages dontcha know

“We need to… [do the thing]”

Usualy spoken by a weasely account or project manager.

Translation… “I won’t so you have to…”

The Royal we..

Flying off boats given you’re using left/ right?

Nope. The ones that fly off the ground use left & right too.

Agile.

Makes my piss boil.

It seems to be an excuse for having 109 projects on at once and unrealistic production targets.

Agile.

Makes my piss boil.

High 5!

But, in my case, routinely used by manajerks who have no idea that it doesn’t mean WFH or hot-desking.

“…the match last night…”

‘Have you heard what Helen’s done’

Nope. The ones that fly off the ground use left & right too.

What about the ones that fly off conveyor belts?

For me, involved in a lot of data analysis, it was always the phrase “can you add in….”
Well yes I could and if you’d have specified that in the original task, it’d be done already but now you’re asking me to go through the entire database all over again, re-extract the info with the new parameter added in and recalculate the lot.
Becasue you didn’t know or understand what it was you wanted in the first place but just knew it involved “data”.

what are you tired of hearing at work?

“Plater on the way over, he’s Motability”
“Plater on the way over, he’s Enterprise”*
And repeat
And repeat
Possibly every couple of minutes or so over a nine-hour day.
Thankfully, it’s a bank holiday weekend.
*Plater – driver delivering/picking up cars on trade plates.

Get a dragon to chase the postie.

“your lucky to have a job”

adnauseum at anyone who dares to question the stupidity thats going on…..

*oilfield*

so you end up with a bunch of people who sit back and watch Rome burn while management fiddle away like Nero. *

“You don’t need to read this just sign it..”

Translation:
I need you to put your name to this appallingly bad idea and accept all the responsibility when it goes wrong but I don’t want you look at the details and tell me how bad an idea it is.

Definitely this:

“it will be good experience/for your development/for your competencies”.

Usually followed by “You should be grasping these opportunities/challenging yourself/stepping up” etc.

‘That’ll require a change control’

‘That’ll require a change control’

Hah! You’d **** hate me then as I’m QA. We have to say this all the time to the lab and manufacturing monkeys. I reckon if I just started saying it as soon as someone walks into the office to ask a question, half the time I’d be right. But wait, I don’t have an office anymore because is now bloody hotdesking.

I know you’re not on call… But

Casual racism. Rife in construction unfortunately 🙄

There isn’t any money for this.

“Can you do [optional feature of software we decided wasn’t worth paying extra for last year]”

“When can you do this by?” (I’m about to tell you the deadline but I want you to guess first)

“When will they meet their target grade?” It used to be “when will they pass” but we’ve progressed.

Used to get “it’s only a 5min job” till we added all the 5min jobs then asked for a demonstration of doing it in said 5mins.

JFDI….

Can we just get to site and see “what the art of the possible” is …

Tw@

I’m an engineer

Makes me laugh when I recall a neighbour some years ago who was forever saying “oh, I’m an engineer” or his wife kept referring to him as an engineer (we both worked in the electricity supply industry).
Anyway, I needed a passport form signing so knocked on his door and asked him to witness. Embarrassed apologies from him followed as he could not sign as he “wasn’t technically an engineer” 🤦‍♂️