This weeks realisation: I think I’m a bit of a loner.

I’m 40, fantastic wife and 2 great kids. Work with my best mate (Probably one of a handful who live local). I have mates I chat to on WhatsApp, discord etc, but other than that I don’t do anything with anyone.

It hit me this week, my new bike turned up and I’m excited to get back to the hobby. But I’ve got no one to ride with.

It’s scary how it’s snuck up on me, you can see how people end up alone. Luckily I’ve got my family!

Same.

Go and read quiet by Susan cain.

And enjoy your bike 🙂

Nowt wrong with that

Same here.  Fantastic family but no real friends and I’m ok with that. It must be 15+ years since I last went to a pub, or had a beer with someone else – don’t have anyone that I would want to go with, other than my wife.

I ride my bike several times a week, mostly during the daytime and don’t think I have ridden with someone else for 5 or 6 years. Rarely see anyone else out on the trails midweek, although I think weekends are prety busy. No idea about cycling clubs – the thought of that sends shivers down my spine!

Bought myself a new bike early last year, and my family are the only people who would know that.

To most people, that would be really sad but I’m ok with it. As time goes by, the less I want to be around the general public.

There is nothing wrong with being happy with your own company (or your close family). Some people need to be around lots of people, in busy places to be happy, others don’t!

I have one very close mate who’s an ex gf, who married my other close mate but he died of throat cancer 5yrs ago, got my bro/mum that I see most days due to having spms that I see/talk to, suits me perfectly well as I can’t be arsed with folk.

When I was able to ride a bike then it was always on own for day long ss trips from my door into the galloway hills, as far away from civilisation as possible is my happy place.

I’m a bit of a loner, but not exclusively so. I am very happy in my own company, always have been.  I’m retired and live with my wife in a very quiet rural spot with no near neighbours.  Most of my hobbies are solo affairs and that suits me fine. Motorcycling, mountain biking, walking, gym, pottering in the garage or garden – all done (mostly) solo out of choice.  The exception to that is mtbing with my grown up son and daughter. They both ride and we don’t see enough of each other so it’s something we can all share when we get the chance.

I do have a wide circle of friends but I’ve moved around a lot and none are local – so get togethers tend to be planned rather than spontaneous.  I don’t mind a bit of that and it’s good to catch up, but there’s a balance and coming home to our quiet retreat is always a joy.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying your own company.  I see it as a bit of a superpower – some unfortunate people are destined to feel lonely whenever they are on their own. If you can be alone and happy, you are very lucky imo.

Where are you? Comrie Croft tomorrow morning with some kids from the bike club…if near, you’d be welcome to come along and show the new bike off.

People can, and do change their personalities. These sort of labels are very restricting IMO.

Currently leading the most insular life I’ve ever had.

See other half for a few hours on some Sundays and an outing for me is being able to sit on a grass baclnk down the road during the summer and watch the world go by for half an hour.

It’s by choice but I’m finding it increasingly difficult. It’s taking a toll.

@DickBarton thanks very much for the offer, it’s just under 520 miles away lol, maybe if I set off now 😀

So….
I don’t have many friends to start with, met the ex and slowly lost touch with any friends I had outside workmates.
We split and now I’m really a loner.

I don’t mind most of the time but with working from home patterns sometimes can go friday to friday with speaking to anyone (4 days!) on the weekends I don’t have my son over.

Like a few others of my age I can lead a solitary existence. I was my late wife’s primary carer which in itself can be a lonely thing.
I am in a new relationship with a widow who cared for her late husband (so we at least understand each other) but I’m still perfectly happy when I’m on my own as I have plenty of other interests that require no other interaction with other people.

TBH I don’t think I could ever live with someone again & luckily my girlfriend is of the same opinion. We enjoy our together time but also crave that alone time?

friends are overated.

Surely you aren’t riding it? If not, give it another 6 hours before leaving! 🤣

Same again.  Years ago during one of those deep semi pissed chats you have we discussed what would happen if we got divorced (kids aside), I answered and I still maintain bugger all, I’d happily live my little life riding my bikes watching rugby and drink beer on my own.

Same here. Moved around the world, so don’t have much in the way of in-person mates …but even before that, I’d mostly ride on my own.

Met a few folk since I moved, who I occasionally ride with, but it’s pretty rare I’ll instigate a group ride, will just attend if asked. I don’t mind group rides, nice to chat and race, but usually I find it frustrating in terms of faff or pace or choice of trails or whatever. I find cycling quite meditative, and enjoy doing my own thing, rather than the social side of it.

I try not to think about it too much, makes me a bit sad. My parents don’t have much in the way of friends locally, and I think that’s a detriment to their quality of life 😞

I’m like that by choice, but sometimes I worry that my choice not to have children as well will make me too lonely in older age.

My kids call me Kermit the Hermit!😀
I work on my own, well not exactly, the dogs come with me most days.
90% of my runs and rides are solitary.
The few friends I have, I’ve known for well over thirty years and maybe get together once or twice each year.
I’m quite happy to go on holiday on my own. I’m definitely not lonely but most definitely a loner.
My kids may have a point?

It hit me this week, my new bike turned up and I’m excited to get back to the hobby. But I’ve got no one to ride with.

I don’t mind riding alone but sometimes feel missing someone to share excitement with about the next adventure, the one I’m currently on, or a new bike. Some people I know are happy for me, but none of them understand.

My Mrs always says that if she left me/died then I’d just become a hermit. She’s likely not wrong.

It’s great being a loner although my wife worries about me but I’m happy in my own skin.

No partner, no kids. Moved 400 miles away to Scotland, from all my friends 2 years ago. Miss them massively but love my new life in a new area. Only have a few friends here, but cool with that.

Oh and Covid lockdown was MY TIME! I loved not having to see people. Is that wrong? 😆

My Mrs always says that if she left me/died then I’d just become a hermit. She’s likely not wrong.

Same. To the point that when we come across some old shack or half derelict house when we’re out and about she says you’d live in there if I wasn’t here, and she’s not wrong 🤣

I can do both, and most people who know me would say I’m quite extroverted, but actually that’s an act. I can lead group rides and talk to everyone, for example; I have regular meet ups with old Uni buddies which I look forward to – but in reality it is quite hard work which I generally enjoy a few times a year but leaves me quite drained.

The real me is like many others above – happy in my saggy 55 year old skin, pottering about with me and the wife, or on my own. I regularly do gigs or a sporting event on my own, I’m there to watch it, not for the social, although I do have a gig going mate that I often meet up for gigs – chat a bit between bands and then stand in silence through the event before a few more words and then ‘see you at the next one’ (Bug Club, Bullingdon in late Feb fwiw)

In fact even with the wife, we don’t often talk. We’re perfectly ‘good’, it’s not a festering “divorce papers incoming” not speaking, and of course we talk about stuff of importance like the kids, or important stuff on the news. We don’t just sit and have long meandering conversations, We can go out to eat and talk but also with long eating silences in the middle and I wonder what people watchers would make of it – but it’s fine.

Sometimes I worry that modern parenting and the constant clubs and activities that we put them into doesn’t prepare them well for real life where often it is just you on your own doing your thing. I’m certain loneliness is a thing, there are time in my life when I’ve felt lonely, and if I didn’t have the wife I’d probably feel it again. I guess it differs for everyone, but I have friends that I don’t see all the time, but I know I could call them up and arrange a night out or a gig whenever I fancied and so I’m not lonely because I’m on my own by choice and could change it if I wanted.

My Mrs always says that if she left me/died then I’d just become a hermit. She’s likely not wrong.

Same. To the point that when we come across some old shack or half derelict house when we’re out and about she says you’d live in there if I wasn’t here, and she’s not wrong 🤣

Ha, this is me too….out on family walks, if we come across a shed in the middle of nowhere, inevitably they’ll be the “dads perfect house” comment and its true.

I’m happy by myself too but I’m conflicted. I’ve always thought that if my wife left me I’d happily just live by myself.

But after my mum and dad split up, he lived alone and generally went downhill. His house became a mess and his personal hygiene went to pieces. We used to go round to straighten the house up, and he used to come to mine a couple of times a week, so we saw him regularly. He was lonely though he never said it.

What really made me think about being on my own in old age was him dying suddenly, at home about 10 years ago, on his own with no one with him. He had stumbled in the night, hit his head badly and lay on the floor of his lounge for, what we think was 2 days before he was discovered.

I don’t want to go out like that.

Loneliness in later life is a massive issue, and has effects in all aspects of our lives.

It is worse for men than for women.

I see lots of self justification for people remaining in their comfort zones on this thread, which is the root cause of the problem.

I’m afraid it’s not healthy.

Quick google, How Loneliness Impairs the Brain (and 4 Ways to Recover)

How Loneliness Impairs the Brain (and 4 Ways to Recover)

I’m very pleased to have rediscovered an old childhood hobby that is ideally suited to weird old men who otherwise wouldn’t get out much (chess). Also intellectual stimulation now I’ve given up on my job. Got enough going on now but could certainly turn into a lonely old man in time if I didn’t give it any consideration. Having no children it’s often at the back of my mind along with the risk of getting stuck in an old decaying house that I can’t look after, which I’ve seen in some relatives. No one is going to bail me out of that like we are currently bailing FiL out!

I’ve tried group exercise but I just don’t really find the faff and time wasting to be worthwhile.

I worry the same about @tenfoot’s stories – my Dad’s recently widowed and while he has done well so far, he still consults for the firm he used to work for (at 86!) and recently had a weekend away visiting his two 86 year old college mates, so he’s ‘keeping busy’. We’re also aware we don’t want him to go backwards if/when ‘normality’ sets in. ‘Fortunately’ he was effectively Mum’s carer for the last few years so no worries about being able to cook or do the laundry, etc.

My MiL was widowed almost 25 years ago at (seems impossible) 58 – and she was still working, had active social life and so on and I guess adapted as a result, she’s moved since but has built a new network of friends in the West Country, not least through U3A where she runs a couple of local groups now doing art and art history. I think they even had a life drawing model in for one, which may have been the most exciting thing to happen in her village since the end of the war! I wonder if my Dad would like that – do a talk or go to some talks about science and engineering, etc.

WRT tenfoot’s last point. My wife and her Mum text each other every morning without fail – just an X or emoji, ‘yes I’m still alive’. Seems a bit draconian but at least we know she hasn’t fallen / had a stroke or whatever.

I ride 99% alone. Lack of pals seems like a bloke thing I guess. Got a few mates, but generally they’ll be connected via my mrs via their partners. She’s great at keeping in touch with friends and regularly meets up. Me not so much, my plans too. .

I occasionally think about a freak crash or even bike mugging – I always ride off road but previously used “RoadID” however, their new charging structure seems a bit costly. I liked the way it showed your trail not just current location – GPS location would be aided by someone ( emergency services!)  knowing what trail you’re on  – a Strava sub might work I guess

tom83 are you near the North Downs.  I’ll have a ride there with you. I’m an old geyser, mind.

Something that has affected my socialising since I started aging is that my hearing has worsened. I can still hear very quiet sounds, so it’s not general deafness, but put three or four folk around me in any sort of lively conversation and I struggle to follow any one persons voice, even if I’m looking directly at them. That annoys me, distracts me and leads to me disengaging, at which point I’d rather just walk away.

Like many older guys I also have a very small circle of “close friends”. In fact, when I’m feeling particularly low, I feel I have none. That’s been my life for a very long time though. I never seemed to ever bond to anyone other than my wife very closely.

Most of the people I get to ride with are Roadies these days, my few MTBing friends are either a long way away or don’t have aligned diaries.

So I ride a fair bit on my own, which TBH I prefer a lot of the time. But self motivation is harder (IME) and when you do ride with others again you suddenly discover you’re slower than you thought.

Where abouts are you OP, I’m sure there will be some STWists nearby that could meet up for a ride some time.

I see lots of self justification for people remaining in their comfort zones on this thread, which is the root cause of the problem.

What problem? Loads of us here are perfectly happy in their own skin. Similar story here, I’ve never needed to be round lots of people. I enjoy group rides when they happen but like my time alone on the bike away from work, family and general day to day life. Mates are spread about the country and we have a good time when we meet up but don’t feel the need to be contacting them all the time.

Always too many extroverts telling introverts they need to come out of their shell and not enough extroverts being told to quieten down.

I wonder if the gender difference in loneliness will change in the future. My dad was of a time when you married young, the women did everything and he went to work and the pub at weekend. He’d never have coped if my mum had died first. Times are very different today

I see lots of self justification for people remaining in their comfort zones on this thread, which is the root cause of the problem.

I’m afraid it’s not healthy.

Thats a fair old shot at a sweeping generalisation – well done Dr Kramer, have a lollipop for that diagnosis. From a personal perspective I was brought up in very rural areas of Argyll and Galloway, nearest house was miles away, occasionally used to see a couple of friends at the weekend as we all met up on our bikes to go fishing or hoon about the forest roads, school was a 3hr return bus journey etc and I had the freedom/independance to run about on my mx or my trials bike or take my dads pick-up up on the forest roads to the hill lochs to fish etc, add in hill climbing, camping/fishing on my own for days on end from the age of 10, I learned to be perfectly happy within my own skin/company and not needing the attention/distraction of others around me. An utterly perfect childhood in my opinion. Give me a stick, my knife, bit of rope and a large forest ant mound and id be happy as a pig in shit for hours.

Perhaps it may not work for someone who has lived in a large urban area or city that is surrounded by attention from others and I understand your crude point regarding “not healthy” but living in a busy environment with lots of interactions would be my idea of utter hell and would drive me **** mad. If I spend more than 1hr in a place such as Dumfries when getting shopping for mum or my mate (who is exactly like myself) then I get itchy for hills and the quiet of where I live.

There seems to be a category for this – Sigma males :

There is a massive difference between being alone and being lonely.

I see lots of self justification for people remaining in their comfort zones on this thread.

From a dude who jibbed out of a ride on some really interesting trails for reasons.😜

I’m happy in either camp.
I ride on my own a lot during the week because all my mates are at work but I’m also happy on group rides. Be they with mates or strangers.

I’m happy on my own, I work on my own and often ride on my own. I’ll go to gigs on my own. But I work for a lot of elderly people and see the impact loneliness has on them and I don’t think I want to be lonely when I’m older so I make the effort to keep in touch with people. I can relate to Scotroutes comment about a small friendship circle and feeling alone. A year ago I cut ties with my best friend and that has exacerbated that. I just try and remember that people are busy and if I need to reach out there’s always someone available. It’s good to talk but it’s not always easy to talk, unless you’re talking about the weather or sport.