Thinking of leaving partner….

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  • Thinking of leaving partner….
  • Plenty
    More
    Fish
    In
    The
    Sea

    Get yourself outta there.

    (basically)

    user-removed
    Member

    Yup. Deal-breaker. If she’s happy to live at home / unable to move out, and mum’s enabling the spoilt behaviour, there’s no reason to think anything is likely to change in the future.

    Edit – phone posted on my behalf… Was going to add that we can all hand out life advice but only you know what’s going on and whether there’s any hope.

    sbob
    Member

    Do you live together?
    Start removing priviliges from the daughter until she pulls her weight.
    Is she fit?

    bwfc4eva868
    Member

    Yup live together not my house. But I have experienced it from daughters pov when I was a teen however I was no where near as lazy, I never give my mum any grief and wasn’t my spends, treats etc but I resented her partner as he was a control freak with unrealistic targets and I left and joined the Army she soon got rid of him.

    However I like to see myself as approachable and me and said daughter do get on really well. I just can’t stand laziness and mess and also rude behavior towards elders, parents etc and the dummy spat out when not getting own way.

    I brush things under the carpet for a while and tolerate it but I’m at breaking point now. And I feel unhappy and can’t even be mivered with any sort of relationship interaction with the missus as im just so pissed off.

    jekkyl
    Member

    Get gone! Imagine the peace n serenity you’ll live while single for a bit. You’re gonna love it.

    bwfc4eva868
    Member

    Due to her lazy 17 year old daughter. Now I do get on with her. But I’m really finding it hard to keep quiet over the fact she does naff all. Uses her mum as a taxi service and turns into a complete twunt if she doesn’t get what she wants. I made it quite clear that I would not be funding the horse they have and don’t get involved with that. She won’t even take plates in the kitchen or tidy up after herself etc. I know this is how some teenagers are but I’ve come to the end of my tether now. But everytime I say anything to her mum it gets the same line of ill sort it and nothing happens.

    I do love my partner but I’ve had enough, and have Saud in the past if nowt changes I’m leaving, and then it’s tears from partner and it will get sorted etc and I give in. I did want to put a deposit down on a house but I’m not having a new house being made into a shit tip.

    Do t know what to do, I’ve tried to grin and bear it and I’ve had enough now. My partners ex’s all left for the exact same reason. It gets to the point where I can’t even sit down and watch my own tv which I’m paying for as said daughter is slobbing on the sofa. I’m also due to have another knee arthroscopy next week and can see me hopping around tidying up or going to the shops on crutches like I was when I had knee debridment surgery two months ago and when I fractured my leg in Feb.

    Premier Icon tomhoward
    Subscriber

    Teenager in ‘acting like teenager’ shocker… Suck it up for a bit longer, then it’ll pass, she’ll go off to uni or you can kick her out of your little love nest.

    bigrich
    Member

    she just lazes around, and this boils your piss hard enough to consider ending your relationship? something is fundamentally not strong.

    andypaul99
    Member

    YOFLO

    Life’s too short, theres no way i could hang around there in that situation. get out.

    hora
    Member

    Leave her. Let her find someone more supportive, loving and not as selfish.

    Teens sometimes come bundled with such first world problems. Within a year she could naturally move out. Her mum has spent 17yrs toiling bringing her up thus far. Would you like to drive her out/drive a lifelong wedge between them?

    Man up. Change tact. I say selfish because you obviously cant think much or respect your partner enough. Prove us and yourself wrong.

    Thrustyjust
    Member

    Its a typical teenager, sadly. When my daughter comes home from uni, the house changes to a pit. Even the wife is glad to send her back. Choice is yours, perhaps live with a mate for a while and let them realise more that you are serious in your meanings of moving out. Or, just put up , but for how long you want to is up to you.

    loddrik
    Member

    Is she fit?

    😀

    mekon
    Member

    Just explain you can’t live under the same roof as her lazy ass daughter but want to keep the relationship going…move out and see how it goes.

    hora
    Member

    So friends with benefits?

    crankboy
    Member

    I am thinking of leaving my partner because her teenage daughter acts like a teenager. I am trying not to flame you . I appreciate that other peoples children are a pain and especially so during the late teens but surely that was the deal when you took on the relationship with your partner . You can’t have expected her to become magically child free. You have not mentioned any issues re your partner.

    Decide what you want if it is a relationship with this woman then make her your partner pay your share of the horse expense and buy a house you then have a dog in the game in any argument with the daughter. At the moment you are just some bloke cluttering up what the daughter sees as her home .

    Next get away with your partner for a break where you can focus on each other . Accept that while you are away your house will be moderately trashed by teens suck that up it is part of the cycle of life .

    slackalice
    Member

    It’s all rather egocentric. Then again, you may well be the paragon of virtue, a domestic god and forever putting everyone else including your partner before all else…

    I get a sense that you might not have as much power and influence as you might like/want/need in the relationships with your partner and her daughter, hence your emotional response.

    Just a thought.

    EDIT. Your username also alludes to a certain stereotype, but lets not go there 😉

    surfer
    Member

    Leave her. Let her find someone more supportive, loving and not as selfish.

    This!

    What did you think when you started a relationship with somebody with children? Are you 16? Are you going to do a runner from the next partner if things arent quite so?
    You both have a teenage daughter so work together.

    ElShalimo
    Member

    Move out temporarily. Reflect on what you really want in life.
    Come up with a plan to achieve it.

    toys19
    Member

    tomhoward, crankboy, slackalice, and surfer sound like they have a handle on life.

    OP if you carry on like this then it is likely on your deathbed you will be lying there wondering why you sacrificed love and happiness for a feeling of smug superiority.

    scottyjohn
    Member

    I dont think anyone is right or wrong really, but this isnt about the daughter really, if it was, you wouldnt even be thinking about moving out and leaving her.
    Its really about how much you do really love her deep down, and I think the daughter thing is just a symptom of the underlying issue.

    Time to move on, both for your sake and hers. You both deserve people you can properly commit to.

    Premier Icon molgrips
    Subscriber

    Tbh you sound pretty damn cold.

    You say you love her, but what does this actually mean? That you’ll hang around until something pisses you off then leave in the face of her tears? Some folk have a different definition of love to me, it seems.

    Maybe she doens’t know how to address it, maybe she needs your help to do that?

    wilko1999
    Member

    I’d say if you’re thinking of leaving her because her daughter is a lazy disinterested teenager then you probably don’t truly love her and that is the real problem. It sounds like you are looking for a reason to leave her as deep down you don’t really love her and just simply don’t want to be with her.

    Premier Icon jamj1974
    Subscriber

    OP. Are you sure this the only thing that is not for you in this relationship. If you are willing to leave over her daughter surely there is something else contributing…?

    Ro5ey
    Member

    Suck it up solider or go MIA

    What’s it going to be ?

    slackalice
    Member

    To define ‘love’:

    The will to extend oneself for the purpose of nurturing and developing ones own and another’s personal growth.

    It’s not the cathexis, or an object of desire.

    gordimhor
    Member

    OP if you are waiting for other people(your partner) to change it will never happen . You loved her and she loved you enough to allow you to move into her home, and her daughters home. So if you really love your partner then find a way to make things work. …maybe all three of you should talk.
    Be honest with yourself above all do you really love your partner? Good luck to you whatever you decide to do.

    Edric 64
    Member

    Im with the OP on this having lived with someone who had kids that even into their 20s would do sweet fa to help whilst I did everything.In the end it really starts to get you down !

    joeelston
    Member

    In my experience people rarely change, if your gut feeling is to walk away, do it. One short life, don’t waste a minute of it being unhappy.

    Premier Icon FOG
    Subscriber

    It can only get worse! My wife’s younger son has just returned to live with us bringing his girlfriend, they are 32!
    They are supposed to be doing up a house/ wreck they have bought but we are into the second year and nothing much has been done apart from going to Glastonbury , getting ripped 3 times a week and buying loads of stuff. When we gently point out they could crack on a bit, they tell us that they are desperate to leave but in actual fact we are funding their never ending teenage years. It is like living in a student flat where you have to hide your food. To be fair I have brought him up since he was 5 as his actual father showed no interest so I suppose I can blame myself. His mother does have the habit of telling me to tell him to do things and when I do she then complains I am picking on him.

    You went in to the relationship knowing your partner had a child who was one day going to turn in to a teenager and every one of us knows what they can be like!

    When you get in to a relationship with someone who has kids you accept that you’ll never be top priority and their needs will nearly always come above yours. The fact that you’re living in your partners house gives you little say in what goes on especially as far as the daughter is concerned “its not your house” has probably been said more than once I’m guessing by the daughter?

    I found that this stops as soon as you and your partner move in to a house which is owned/rented jointly as even if they don’t admit it they understand that you ARE paying towards bills/rent/mortgage. Even if you were doing so before it seems to clarify it in the kids mind.

    I’d say to look long and hard about how happy you REALLY are with your partner and if you can honestly say you are then you’re just going to have to learn to live with it. If not then you know where the door is!

    Leave her. Let her find someone more supportive, loving and not as selfish.

    Teens sometimes come bundled with such first world problems. Within a year she could naturally move out. Her mum has spent 17yrs toiling bringing her up thus far. Would you like to drive her out/drive a lifelong wedge between them?

    Man up. Change tact. I say selfish because you obviously cant think much or respect your partner enough. Prove us and yourself wrong.

    OK, as someone who has been on both sides of this fence (former step-parent and also a step-child) I can’t necessarily agree 100% with this.

    Agree that teens come with these problems. But it is the responsibility of their parents/family to teach them that it’s not acceptable to sit around and do FA. Believe me, I have a sister that’s exactly the same and she is 21, and she has been enabled to do this, in a way that I was not (I lived with my mum, and she has a different POV on parenting to my dad).

    Fast forward now, my dad is poorly and can no longer work, so the gravy train my sister has been relying on is going to stop. It’s going to be a rude awakening for her. Because neither of her parents wanted to have the “grow up, get off your arse, start helping round the house when you’re home and get a job” conversation with her (afraid of ensuing tantrum) I had it, because I give no f***s about overgrown teenage strops. She’s now got a part time job to help support her studies, and is applying for postgrad, and intends to apply for a bursary and work part time.

    So I don’t agree that you should necessarily “put up and shut up” with a spoilt, enabled teen, and a parent who won’t do anything about it – it’s bad for everyone, not least the teen herself. Circumstances change, as they have done for my dad’s second set of kids, and it’s done them no favours being infantilised in the way they have been.

    If you do get on with your partner’s daughter, can you not have a word with her yourself, about how her behaviour is impacting the family? Encourage her to start taking some responsibility and put a positive spin on it?

    Where I do agree with hora is that driving a wedge between child and parent will be counterproductive. If ultimately, teen and partner refuse to change, then you will have to make the decision whether you stay or go. As a stepchild, who has had a parent’s partner try their best to drive a wedge (and is still doing it now whilst my father is very sick) it is very hurtful, and not something that you want to get into. But that doesn’t mean that you put up with all kinds of crappy behaviour just because of the privileged relationship between parent and kiddo.

    Premier Icon jambalaya
    Subscriber

    She’s 17 – she’ll be gone from the house soon enough. Doesn’t sound like you’re that keen on your partner if you’re willing to bail for that reason. Are you looking for an excuse

    HughStew
    Member

    You have my sympathy. I have been in much the same situation. My partner’s daughter (now my step-daughter) was sulky, whiney, selfish and threw tantrums if she didn’t get her own way. She also used to bleed her mother dry financially.

    My step-daughter is now nearly 20, and is at University. She does still occasionally exhibit the whiney selfishness, and demands chunks of money on top of her generous allowance, but is much better – a function of growing up really.

    We had a bit of a turning point when during a particularly petulant screaming tantrum, I intervened (I usually just let my partner deal with her daughter) and told her she couldn’t treat her Mum like that, that we’d cut her a lot of slack, but that she had to grow up, stop treating her Mum like crap, and stop behaving like a spoilt 2 year old. The key to this was pointing out that she was treating her Mum badly, not making about myself.

    Anyway the upshot is you have to ask yourself this: “Is you relationship good enough to put up with this crap for another 2(?) years?” It will get better, how much better I can’t say, some people remain petulant and selfish as adults. Also don’t be too hard on your partner, I used to get infuriated with mine for not cracking down on her daughters dreadful behaviour, but don’t forget the guilt factor. My partner (now wife) felt guilty about splitting with her husband (horrible little weasel that he was) and her daughter used this as a weapon to get her own way.

    Premier Icon dannybgoode
    Subscriber

    How long have you been together? If it is some years has the daughter always been idle or is this just a ‘phase’ as they say.

    If it is months then maybe part of it is adjusting to living with a teenager, who are scientifically almost as lazy as cats…

    yunki
    Member

    I don’t mean to muddy the water here but ffs!

    My partners exes all left for the same reason..

    Sounds to me like that kid needs some love and support from the male role model in her life, but you just sound like a clueless overgrown boy to me….
    Definitely leave them.. They’ll be much happier without you, and happiness is the key to this kid turning their life around..

    Alternatively, back out, get a hobby, ride the storm with a sile on your face and love in your heart.. Don’t get bogged down by your responsibilities..

    Love really is the key..

    ti_pin_man
    Member

    based on what you’ve said.. MTFU is all i want to say. Stay there and man up. Unless there are other problems between you and her mum then man up.

    Teenagers are teenagers, they’ll take what they can, we’ve all been there and done it and clearly the ‘custom and practice’ has been there a while and now continues.

    Sit down with her mum and tell her you’re truly fed up and both of you should work towards getting the daughter on her feet and independant, slowly cut the apron strings, this is the responsibility as a parent figure that you have, to make them self sufficient, to support them as they become their own adult.

    unless there are other problems between you and the mum…

    hora
    Member

    Start having loud sex

    scu98rkr
    Member

    lol ur living in someone else house !

    As parents are responsible for their kids until their 18 it basically her house. More her house than urs anyhow.

    khani
    Member

    Same position here, or was.. He left for uni three weeks ago and WOOOHOOOO!!!!
    We’ve decided we’re gonna move without telling him.. 😀
    Food lasts ages now, the bills have plummeted and its so lovely and quiet, and most of all, when you tidy up it stays tidy for ages and ages..
    The point I’m making is if you still love your mrs you have to be in for the long haul, they do move on eventually and when they do life is good..
    In the short term tell her (the daughter) how it is and don’t take no shit, if she no likey she f’koffee…
    Video one of her tants and show it to her, ask is that how someone who wants to be treated as an adult behaves, and threaten to put it on YouTube..
    I did and he was mortified and things improved a lot…

    cbmotorsport
    Member

    Strikes me that you are living in *their* house and don’t necessarily have the right to dictate how either of them behave? If you’d invited them into your house maybe the situation would be different. The daughter views you as the addition to her relationship with her mum, whereas in your eyes the daughter is the addition to your relationship with your other half. Tricky.

    If you truly love your other half, I would suggest that you’d find a way to work this out, and if she truly loves you, she should be more proactive with her daughter.

    Do the thoughts you harbour of bailing, suggest more deeply rooted issues than the laziness/rudeness of your step daughter?

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