The worst day of my life
Not been through it personally, but it basically ruined my sister’s marriage when she miscarried. My now ex brother in law was a bit older than she was and they were so focused and desperate to start a family that the miscarriage caused a huge rift between them because they dealt with it as individuals, not as a couple. My sister blamed herself and then went off the rails a bit.
As the others have said, be strong and make sure you deal with it together. Good luck, I hope that the news is not bad.Posted 5 years agoMoreCashThanDashSubscriber
Having been through this – twice – I still don’t know what I can say that will help you. My wife, who is usually a complete hardnut, cried for three nights solid, while trying to put on a brave face to our eldest during the day, as he hadn’t been told at that stage that he was going to have a brother/sister.
I do know that this is very common – something like 1 in 3 pregancies, and our own record is 2 from 4. Despite the pain and heartache, having seen other people go through worse, it is possibly less horrendous to lose one early rather than late, but it sure doesn’t feel like it.
You need to be there for your wife, there should also be advice to support her from the midwives and other groups. Sadly, there is nothing I could find to help the father at such times. I didn’t calm down till I’d been out and beasted myself round a local 30 mile road loop, and let the wind dry the tears.
Hope you come through this and it pulls you together. Shout and scream at us on here if it helps.Posted 5 years agojamj1974Subscriber
Similar but not identical situation here. Positive test at five weeks and we were very happy. At six weeks my wife started to bleed and during the scan they could only find the sac on the screen but no foetal heartbeat. Another scan a week later showed cardiac activity. The emotions that we went through during that week really were something… We were lucky but just getting though that time is tough.
If you can talk about it with people you know do so, as many people go through it and many are happy to talk about it as well. However I would say don’t quite give up hope yet – we didn’t and her name is Kathryn and she is nearly eight…Posted 5 years agosharkbaitMember
Thoughts are with you both as it’s very tough. We had similar scares when we were told that daughter #2 had a high risk of Downs Syndrome but it actually turned out to be that daughter #2 was in fact daughters #2 & 3!Posted 5 years ago
We were then told that there was a risk of them having Edwards Syndrome and we were given the choice of not continuing the pregnancy. We decided to go ahead and give them a chance and it turned out that they were fine thankfully.
I sometimes think that these things happen for a reason and maybe this time it just wasn’t right for you – next time it will.
Good friends miscarried and went on to have two children with no issues so hang in there as best you can.althepalSubscriber
The fact it can occur for no discernible reason is what got to my missus and I. Our first pregnancy was a dream and apart from a bit of encouragement coming out everything was textbook.Posted 5 years ago
We were overjoyed when we discovered we had another on the way. Then we had the stitch and blood spots that someone mentioned, sal was quite sore one day and while I was out started passing clots. Rushed to the out of hours Gp, then up to the hospital.
Had a scan and the doctor basically said we’d lost the baby and there was prob no reason. He wasn’t very sensitive with us and that was the first anyone said about losing the baby although at that point, what really upset me was that Sal had to be admitted and I had to go home to relieve the in laws from baby sitting. Was horrible being at home without her, dropped off to sleep to be called an hour later to be told that sal was haemorrhaging badly and had to go to theatre for a D and C (don’t ask me what it stands for- I don’t like thinking about it..). Spoke to sal on the phone and she told me to stay at home. Anyways- next morning she called me and told me to come pick her up!
The next few days were really tough, for both of us. But we were lucky enough to have Cameron to keep us busy and the three of us got through it.
Being the practical folk we were we wanted to try again ASAP..
Happily we’ve got two healthy boys now (no 2 didn’t go quite as smoothly) but just wanted to share our experience with you. Hopefully it’s good news, but if not, just be there for each other and talk about how you’re feeling- to each other, friends, he’ll, even on here if that works for you.
All the best,
Me and the wife have just had three years of miscarriages. The first at 7 weeks was so upsetting as we were so excited and we had the same situation where they couldn’t be certain, so they ask to do another scan a week later. It took them three further scans before they would finally say for definite. Then the second one happened at 14 weeks which convinced my wife there was something wrong with her. There was no telling her. They don’t investigate until the third as this is when the probabilities get too high to be coincidence. So we tried again, and again we lost the baby. We were referred to St Marys in London. Their investigations suggested my wife had a blood clotting disorder – the remedy was aspirin. I didn’t believe it, neither did my wife. But we tried, and got pregnant again, and everything seemed to be OK, until the same pains and the same bleeding, so off we go to the epau again, expecting the worst. We were both staggered to be told it was still there, still fighting. After what must have been a record number of scans for one pregnancy, we finally were induced 2 weeks early. A wee man was born 12 weeks ago tomorrow. Our own little miracle.
We got through somehow. My wife was in pieces most days, and I was sure she had depression at some points of the three years. But all through it I kept telling her that until someone says we can’t have babies, then there is no reason why it won’t happen. I was definitely the shoulder to cry on, all my emotions were about trying to be there for her. I was always feeling it must be so much worse for her, this was her body rejecting the one thing she wanted so much.
So don’t give up. It really is possible to get through the initial pain and emotions. The best thing we found to do was to go for a walk somewhere new, during the week when there was no one else about, and just wander and talk and cry. I think we are a lot closer now than we were before all this happened.Posted 5 years agoSpongebobMember
It wasn’t until my uncle died that I learned that 45 years earlier, I had an older brother. He was born with serious deformity and passed away within a day or two. I can’t imagine how my mother felt. Loosing a child is never easy, especially as she lost her daughter of 46 years. The way her generation dealt with issues was to not talk about it. Not sure that was a healthy thing, or otherwise. The hideous losses of WW2 probably gave people a different attitude to these days.
Life throws all sorts of crxp at you, but you just have to try and put it behind you and carry on. There is one strategy i use for dealing with such events: there is always someone worse off than you.
I won’t cite examples in detail, but my neighbours on either side each went through protracted terminal illnesses with one of their kids. One 18 months old, the other was 9. Harrowing! Neither ever mention those experiences now.
I hope all is well with the pregnancy, but if your worst fears are realised, think about the future and what might be in a year or two from now.
I wish you both the very best of luck!!Posted 5 years agoNZColSubscriber
OP another one from the been there done that club. All the advice i can pass on is that don’t give up hope and that it is incredibly common – but the unspoken secret ! We lost one at 11 weeks last year and talked about it to friends – straw poll showed 75% had been there too ! Insane. It feels like the end of the world and you have to treat it like the loss of something. Saying all that, we cracked on and we have a gorgeous 2 week old girl who has melted her dads heart. I would walk on glass for her and the pain of the miscarriage(s) is distant. Man hugs and woman hugs for your wife. Have a wine, have a laugh and enjoy life – its an incredible process that sometimes stops iteslf to save you further pain and anguish, thats how i rationalised it.Posted 5 years agodeadlydarcyMember
Another one to add to the been there done that list, along with NZCol.
I hope all goes well for you OP, I’ll not forget the night at the hospital when we were informed that we’d lost our first. It was such a sad time for us, and I wouldn’t wish it upon you. But it started us on a road that led to a small op that fixed mrs deadly. I’ve just fed the result of that fix and put him to bed alongside his mum. Yay for the NHS!
If you need to take positives from this, it’s that YOU CONCEIVED!! And that is a big problem for lots of people that go through fertility problems. What NZCol says about it being halted sometimes is nearly always true. I doubt that will comfort you and your partner right now, but it might help you further down the line. So the fact that you conceived is a major positive and something that any fertility expert will tell you.
Conception, pregnancy and the rest of it is one of those horses that throws you off every so often. You just have to get back on again. To echo NZCol (again), we used to look at friends conceiving and having babies and think “FFS, everything always works fine for them.” Only to find when we talked about it, that many of the “thems” had had the same things happen.
Best of luck with the next scan fella. Keeping fingers crossed and sending manhugs.Posted 5 years agomrsflashMember
So sorry to hear this. I would say though, that those who are saying “be strong for your wife” yes you need to be there for her but I think you also need to show her how upset you are. I know if this happened to us I would be very upset if I thought that he had to hide his feelings to proect me, or worse, that because he wasn’t showing them meant that he didn’t care.Posted 5 years ago
I think (hope) she knows me well enough to know how I’m feeling. I don’t talk a lot at the best of times, more of an introspective type with added hugs and tea-making. We’ve both gone back to work today and we’ll try and keep our heads down and hope this week passes as quickly as possible. Had some more bad news about an unexpected death in the extended family yesterday, so it’s been a pretty brutal couple of days.Posted 5 years agofreeagentMember
Yep, been there – wife had a car crash at 7 weeks, then a miscarriage at 12 weeks… was awful at the time – looking at a empty black space on the ultrasound sreen was horrible, but we came through it, and just over a year later we had a daughter, who is two and a half now.
Miscarriage is often the bodies way of terminating a pregnancy that isn’t going to work out, so you just have to accept it for what it is and work through it.
Keep strong for your Mrs, you will get through this – you’d be surprised how many people have experienced the same…Posted 5 years ago
I wanted to update this thread, and thank you all again for your kind words. We had the follow-up scan today and it was as we’d feared. In a way it’s a relief as it feels like we can start to move on now that at least we know for sure. I’m not what you’d call back to normal yet but I am feeling a lot better than I did a week ago.Posted 5 years agoclantonMember
It has been all said before but just wanted to add my condolences. It is incredibly common – that doesn’t make it any easier but you are at leats falling pregnant – this is the only positive my wife and I took from our two miscarriages.Posted 5 years ago
That and the fact that so many friends and family came forward with support and to tell us of their experiences. My advice for what is worth mirros the others’ on here – support each other and allow each other to grieve. Don’t balme yourselves!
We now have a lovely, healthy 4 month old daughter (third pregnancy) and it has helped enormously to ease the pain – but we still feel intesne sorrow for the two that never were.Lady GresleyMember
So sorry to hear it’s not a good outcome. I know others have said be strong for your wife, but I’d like to second what mrsflash said – don’t hide from your wife how much you are grieving too. Share your grief together. Things will start to feel better, it takes a little while, but it will happen.Posted 5 years agofreddygMember
So very sad to hear the update. We lost two so feel your pain.
On the positive side (and it might be too soon or too raw to say this) but now you know it is possible to conceive. Take time to grieve; you both need to.
We now have two beautiful children who mean the world to us.Posted 5 years agojrukMember
Really sorry for your news dude, really sorry.
As raw as it is now, the hurt will ease – make sure you keep talking to each other and don’t bottle anything up.
A week ago I was in your situation so I’ve a pretty good idea how you feel. Email in profile if you want to rant to a stranger.Posted 5 years agoigmSubscriber
Was hoping when I checked back that it’d be good news. Condolences and best wishes.
Look after each other. If you’re anything like us, then when you’re both hurting is when it’s easiest to say something you didn’t mean to, or fail to say something you did. Or even to hear something that wasn’t there. Make allowances.
And ignore all advice unless you really want to follow it; however well meant some of it will be garbage.Posted 5 years ago
I’m sorry to drag up this thread again but I do feel I need to let some stuff out today.
Yesterday evening we found out it’s happened again, at 5 weeks this time. I’m feeling all the same helplessness and pain as the last time and I can’t bear to see mrs unknown so upset. It seems like there’s enough of a difference between this time and last to suggest there isn’t an underlying cause – just more bad luck.
After last time we were trying not to get too excited but you can’t help yourself and I’d been hoping to revist this thread with good news once we’d had a scan. The contrast between that hope and excitement and the despair we feel just now is horrific. Mrs unknown said last night that she doesn’t know if she can go through this again and hearing that broke my heart.
I know the answer is let it pass, pick ourselves up, stay hopeful and try again, but I haven’t spoken to anyone yet and this morning I just needed to vent.Posted 4 years agomartinhutchSubscriber
Really sorry to hear that. I can only imagine how awful you must be feeling. Perhaps not the time to be thinking about this now, but at some point remember that a decent majority of women who have recurrent miscarriages do go on to have a successful pregnancy, so don’t lose hope.
The difference between the two miscarriages is actually positive news, although nothing must feel like good news at the moment.Posted 4 years agowordnumbMember
Unknown – so sorry to hear this. Friends of mine recently lost their first child and the stuff that’s written in the thread above really struck home, it’s amazing how little you hear about pregnancy problems until you or somebody close goes through it. To have it happen twice – well, there’s nothing I can say. Hope you both can keep your heads together and stay strong.Posted 4 years agowillardMember
Unknown, once again, it’s hard to know what to say. Motivation’s probably the last thing you want last now, but I’m not sure what else I can offer other than hope. I’m really sorry that this has happened to you both again. It’s going to be hard, but be strong and be there for each other. Keep your chin up.Posted 4 years agofasthaggisMember
Very sorry to hear this ,it brings back memories of when we went through a similar situation.It was a long time ago ,but I will never forget that sadness and how hard it was going through it.
It seems like there’s enough of a difference between this time and last to suggest there isn’t an underlying cause – just more bad luck.
Get as much information as you can from the people helping you ,to make sure that this is the case . We went through lots of tests at the time and the more information we got ,the more prepared and hopeful we felt for the future. Good luckPosted 4 years agopopstarMember
Our very first *baby* was misscaried at 3 months.
Then we went to private doctor for extra care as NHS are not interested in these kind of things.
We were explained as our blood groups were different and incompatible (mine rezus plus her minus B groups), her body didn’t accept allien bodies and rejected. So once she concieved, I had to top her up with prescribed hormones (injecting) to help pregnancy last. It was struggle but we went through it.
Our second child, again … had same symptoms as first pregnancy (heavy bleeding etc etc) so we lost hope immediately, but we were wrong. Miraculously it went ok. So now we have 2 boys (3y and 9m).
Don’t lose hope, most important is to achieve your target and to have a healthy baby. You might want to fine tune yourselve by doing compatibility tests, check her hormones etc and good luck. You deserve your happiness.Posted 4 years agoourmaninthenorthSubscriber
unknown – so sorry to hear this news again. We’re another couple who’ve been through similar (complete molar pregnancy – including two operations and six months of follow up monitoring for associated cancer risk).
One of her colleagues had six miscarriages before striking lucky with number seven. So don’t give up hope.
I feel your pain. Keep going – remember why you got into this game together: love. Tell her how much you love her, and keep telling her. And don’t forget to love yourself too.
Good luck.Posted 4 years agoatlazMember
Good luck with it and don’t lose heart. You need to be strong for each other, it’s as hard on you as it is on her so don’t be tricked into thinking that you have to be the strong one all the time because you’re the man. It’s okay to need her help or the help of friends and family to get you to a better place mentally.Posted 4 years agobrakesMember
you can’t dwell on this – it is just a natural process, as natural as conceiving in the first place. sometimes things just aren’t right. it happens to a LOT of people. it’s happened to me and my wife and I could name 10 couples close to me that this has happened to, some of them multiple times and they all have healthy kids now.Posted 4 years ago
you need to rationalise this as much as possible and move on, plan for next time. be mechanical about it.andyflaSubscriber
Horrible, horrible time, we had our eldest after a miscarriage then could have any more despite a few years of ivf, ended up adopting our second 4 years later.
Nothing anyone can say or do will help at the moment, just be there for your misses. The whole process brought me and mine far closer together than we had been.
Thoughts go out to you both, if you ever think of adoption my email is in my profilePosted 4 years ago
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