The worst day of my life

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  • The worst day of my life
  • Premier Icon unknown

    I used to post here years ago on the old forum, under a different name, and I’m back as I need to vent anonymously.

    Yesterday should have been one of the best days of my life but it turned into the worst. I went with my wife to our 12 week scan, only to discover that the baby is way smaller than it should be. They’ve said we either have an early pregnancy or a “failing” one – but for it to be an early one we’d need to be about 6-7 weeks out with our dates and we just don’t think we are. We should be 12 weeks, the sac measures 7 weeks but the baby is only 3mm and it should be 2.5″ by now.

    My wife is in pieces, the worst part is that we have to wait a week for another scan to see if there’s any growth before they’ll tell us definitively that we’ve lost the baby. I think deep down we both know we have and as bad as it is for me I know it’s worse for her, as it’s her body and she has to deal with everything that comes next. I’m still haunted by the look on her face when we couldn’t see anything on the scan – I keep replaying the exact moment that her heart broke. I feel so completely and utterly helpless just now. I’m trying to be there for her, but there’s really nothing I can do to help. A week seems like an incredibly long time right now.

    Premier Icon totalshell

    dont go on the internet looking for answers has to be my number one tip.. full of misery.. so stay away from google.

    be positive.. you could be wrong with your dates.. wait the week..

    good luck!

    but there’s really nothing I can do to help.

    I don’t know what to say other than be strong, especially for your wife.

    Perhaps you are out with your dates? Either way, I sincerely hope this turns around for you.

    Premier Icon ir_bandito

    Been there, done that, (after 3 1/2 years of fertility treatment) it seems so unfair.

    There’s a pheonemnal statistic that 1/3 of all pregnancies fail, it just seems to be the ones that are wanted. 🙁
    Stay strong, as the others have said. It could still be ok.

    Premier Icon Esme

    How sad 🙁 Would it help your wife to post on Mumsnet miscarriage thread ?


    Fingers crossed for you! Lets hope the dates are wrong.

    Pregnancy and the associated problems is a stressful and heartbreaking time for many people.

    All I can say is be strong for your wife, it will be tough for you but emotionally tougher for her carrying the baby.

    Best of luck.


    So sorry to hear this. It could be alright though so keep hoping. Waiting is very hard.

    Unfortunately it is quite common. I know it’s probably not what you want to hear but the statistic quoted above is about right. You should prepare yourself for this possibility. And trust me, I know precisely how you’re feeling right now, I have been there a number of times. It’s absolutely heart breaking.


    Thinking of you fella, I have been exactly there (except we were told there and then that it was a failed pregnancy). It was utterly awful.

    Chin up and keep strong. Cry a lot if necessary. It’ll get better.


    It’ll get better.


    Don’t hold on to hopes you know aren’t there – things happen for a reason and you can try again if this pregnancy does fail.

    Premier Icon mangoridebike

    My thoughts are with you and your wife

    We went through a similar experience and like you my own feelings of grief were outweighed by my frustrations at the feeling of helplessness in seeing my wife so upset. This could be the begninning of a tough time for you two, or as stated above a bit of miscounting could allow a resolution.

    The best advice we were given after our miscarriage was that the next ovulation would likely be a very promising one as my wifes body was already set up for pregnancy, so whilst it seemed odd, getting on with trying for another one was the recommendation. This definitely worked for us, and the ability to make a positive action to resolve the feelings of grief was definitely a helpful mindset.

    The most amazing thing was that once we shared our story the number of people shared back that they had gone through something similar was incredible. Talking about it helps!

    Premier Icon unknown

    Thanks for your words guys. I think in a strange way we’d both feel better if there wasn’t any hope. She had some light bleeding and a stitch-like feeling 2-3 weeks ago and at the time we were told it was probably nothing to worry about but in hindsight it probably was. Logically, we think we know which way it’s going to go but we can’t greive and start the process of moving on while there’s still a chance that we’re wrong. That’s the hardest thing of all.


    So sorry to read this. Wishing strength and courage to you both.


    Just stay strong and keep talking to the missus. It’s an awful time and it’s all to easy to retreat into the metaphorical man cave. If it does fail it’s quite a long and painful process that she may have to go through. Hoping for the best for you both.


    my own feelings of grief were outweighed by my frustrations at the feeling of helplessness in seeing my wife so upset

    This, and resisting the urge to punch the utterly untactful and uncaring radiographer in the mouth.


    Be strong. My wife and I have been there too after our first round of IVF. Test positive, 10 week scan… Basically no embryo, no heartbeat, minimal foetal pole. That was not a good day. The following two rounds of IVF failed as well.

    You have to be strong, both for yourself and for your wife. It will be tough though, so do not be afraid of asking for help if it is offered. We’re here as well, but that’s likely to be less than useful for you.

    I’m trying to be there for her, but there’s really nothing I can do to help.

    Feels like it doesn’t it? You never know what to say that doesn’t sound trite or patronising, and there’s very little you can do physically. But by just “being there” you’re probably doing far more than you realise.

    I’ve never been in this situation myself, but I have a friend who was at one stage suicidal. I felt that I wasn’t doing anything because I couldn’t offer any physical or practical help, and I figure that if you’ve nothing constructive to say, best not to say anything. But she said to me once she had received counselling, and got the proper help that she needed, that she couldn’t have done it if I hadn’t been there, and I probably pulled her back from the brink more than the professionals did.

    So being there can make all the difference. Be strong, be positive.

    I sincerely hope that all turns out well for you both.

    Premier Icon binners

    You’d be amazed how many people have been through the same experience as you. I know I have. I know this is no consolation to you at all. But its surprisingly common. So… I know how helpless you feel. But just be there to administer hugs, make brews, and have a good cry on. Its all you can do really. Do it well.

    It feels like the end of the world right now, but in the grand scheme of things, it’ll probably only be a minor setback. Next time will be fine. And there will be a next time. Sooner than you think. Good luck to you both


    As has been said above, Be There. Let her know how much it affects you too, but be strong for her. *virtual hugs*


    Be strong for her, no matter how hard that is. She needs a rock to lean on, an unbreakable man… this is your time to do that which what husbands are for.

    And you will get a second shot at a baby, try to consider it a physiological thing, turn the human aspect into science, a baby has not developed, how would the doctors view this? To them they see science, you’re not losing anything as the normal course has not been followed by nature this time around.

    Your wife will recover quickly, keep her mind busy and thinking about the future.

    All the best.


    This place is actually quite nice sometimes, isn’t it?


    I feel for you and your wife. we were in the same position this time last year. My wife was about 10 weeks gone, and lost the baby.

    But, there is hope. Our second baby is due next week.

    One thing to remember and to make sure your wife understands is it’s not her fault, and it is a lot more common than you think.

    One thing we talked about a lot was the reasons behind the miscarriage. The body is a amazing machine, and if things weren’t ‘right’ then maybe losing the baby early is better than losing it later.

    Be there for her, as she’ll be upset, and it will take her a long time to get over. This aspect of it is something I struggled with tbh, as it didn’t effect me half as much as it did her.

    good luck mate.

    As others have said, be strong for her.

    What is also important is that you don’t bottle things up. You need to be strong for her but you also need to talk to someone too. Do you have a good friend with a sympathetic and suppoting ear?

    I went through a similar experience with my wife a couple of years ago and put all my efforts into being there for my wife that I failed to recomgnise that I needed support too and paid a heafty price for it a few months later with a breakdown.

    I feel for you both.

    You’d be amazed how many people have been through the same experience as you. I know I have. I know this is no consolation to you at all. But its surprisingly common. So… I know how helpless you feel. But just be there to administer hugs, make brews, and have a good cry on. Its all you can do really. Do it well.

    It feels like the end of the world right now, but in the grand scheme of things, it’ll probably only be a minor setback. Next time will be fine. And there will be a next time. Sooner than you think. Good luck to you both

    ^^^^exactly this.


    My wife miscarried what would have been our second kid – unpleasant at the time, but after waiting 6 months we tried again, and the result will be turning 9 in a couple of weeks… Very rarely think about “what could have been”, as others have pointed out it’s quite common, and unavoidable.

    Don’t beat yourself up about it, support your wife, and if it’s not to be there’s always another chance.


    My wife and I lost our baby girl last March at 4 months pregnant, so my thoughts are with you during this time.

    It all feels a bit surreal as you’re going through the medical stuff at the same time as dealing with it mentally and emotionally.

    There’a already been a lot of helpful stuff said in this thread regarding talking about it to people who can properly understand (friends, family etc).

    The NHS offered us lots of care and counselling, although we didn’t feel we needed this as our family and friends were excellent.

    For my wife, it was important to be reassured that most of the time there is no explanation for these things, i.e. it wasn’t her fault.

    We quickly learnt it’s extremely common, which also helped us deal with it.

    As for what you can do to help, being a bloke you’ll naturally want to be doing something practical, whereas really you need to just be available for love and support.

    Try to carry on with most things as normally as possible, but be aware that your wife will be emotionally very up and down.

    She needs you to be the one consistent and dependable thing in amongst all the turmoil.


    Another +1 to ‘been there’

    Binners speaks the truth (for me, the best post of the year thus far…..!)

    Interweb hugs from MM Towers.

    Premier Icon unknown

    Thanks again for all the words of encouragement, they’re helping, they really are. I’m trying to concentrate on doing what I can for my wife just now.

    Premier Icon rosscopeco

    So sorry for you both. We’ve been there before over 6 years ago and we were both totally devastated. Looking back now we learned so much about our own characters but at the time we couldn’t see the wood for the trees.

    Keep strong, its these things that bind your relationship together. I know it’s so easy for me to say this but if we look back now on our own experience it was really tough time but we came through the other end stronger.

    Another +1 to been there. Twice. Its horrific.

    Nothing else I can really add but you’ve just got to pick yourself up and be there for the other half. Once its all over then theres nothing to stop you trying again. Both times we have and we’ve now got our two boys who are well worth the complete devastation we went through to get there.

    Premier Icon Bunnyhop

    All the advice above is wonderful.

    Devastating is not a word I use lightly, however it does feel like that. You have no control and look for answers, why us, what went wrong?

    There are no answers to these questions.

    It’s like a bereavement and you will need to grieve.

    Lots of hugs from me too.

    Premier Icon DavidB

    unknown. We lost our first child and it was a hard time so I can fully relate. What kept us going was the fact that Helen conceived in the first place, this may sound crass, but it gave us optimism that someday we would have a child. Many of our friends couldn’t even get over that hurdle despite years of trying. You are doing everything you possibly can by simply being there. Your wife needs to know that you love her regardless of outcome.

    Premier Icon igm

    Do not give up hope though. Do not accept that it’s a miscarriage just yet.

    It may be, it may not.

    Slightly different position, but my wife came off her bike in Les Gets while 10 weeks pregnant. Collected the bars and stem on the way. Bruised stomach, bleeding that night, no confirmation either way until the scan a few weeks later.

    Said pregnancy is being made to walk the plank by his big brother in a soft play area at the moment.

    Don’t give up until its confirmed one way or the other.

    Wherever this takes you, I wish you well.

    And before someone points it out, downhills, even easy downhills, might not be the best idea in retrospect.

    Premier Icon theotherjonv

    Also been there, and I feel for you. Ours was heartbreaking as we’d been trying for 2 years and were just starting to consider the possibility we weren’t going to be able to succeed naturally. At least we had the hope that having succeeded once we could again; hold on to that.

    I don’t believe in God, only science, but at times likes this i have to believe that there are reasons why so many early pregnancies fail – the human body is amazing in it’s ability to self heal, and by the same token i believe that if this isn’t meant to be this time, it’s because your wife’s body has decided this isn’t a good one.

    But also don’t give up all hope yet. With our second pregnancy my wife also suffered from early bleeds and stomach cramps and we had that same ‘oh shit’ feeling. We went to the scan expecting the worst, and the moment when the radiographer turned the screen to us and showed us a tiny fluttering heartbeat was at least as good a moment as the first time I met my daughter in real life.

    She’s 9 now.


    My thoughts are with you & your wife.

    A couple of years ago, me and my wife went for our 12 week scan and a similar thing happened. Couldn’t find our baby on the ultrasound scan so had to have an internal scan where we were then told we’d lost the baby. Had another scan a week later to double check there wasn’t any growth (which there wasn’t) and was told for definite we’d had a missed miscarriage. I was devastated, gutted – cant put it into words how i felt. I spoke with family and friends and they were very supportive and helpful in coming to terms with the situation – It’s remarkable the amount of people who have similar experiences.

    A few months after all of this and my wife was pregnant again and we had the early scans for reassurance and it all went smoothly. In November my son was born and it was the happiest proudest moment of my life. Just to think, without all of the pain and anguish he would not be here.

    Continue re-assuring and being there for your wife. It will get easier with time and don’t be afraid to cry on the shoulders of each other and family & friends. Just because it happened this time doesn’t mean it’ll happen again.


    We have been there and have come out of the other side with a second gorgeous little girl, dont give up hope for one second.

    In our case someone drove across the path of the wife and caused an accident which then seemingly caused a bleed which led us to think that is it. After numerous harrowing visits to the hospital for scans and more bleeds it transpired that the little one was literally hanging on by a thread, the sac was literally just attached to the wall.

    We had months of worry following and it continued to a point where she was undersize so we thought we were going to have to have her by c-section very early. Again, scans week in week out followed but by staying positive(i feel) and eating healthily she hung un there until the expected date and came out very healthy.

    Its an awful time it really is. However we came to the understanding that if it was not meant to be then that was the case. We both agreed that nature should take its cause and would have aborted if it looked like there was going to be issues due to what had happened (not everyones view and not an easy one but one we both agree is right and only fair on the unborn).

    The early days are fraught with problems and its when your wifes body decides if its a keeper or not. Try look at it as nature just doing its thing if the worst comes to the worst. On a plus side, you are in a position where you can get to this stage, a lot simply can’t. Keep positive both of you!

    Premier Icon franksinatra

    People don’t talk about miscarriage enough but the reality is that when we went through the same we found out it has touched the lives of pretty much everybody we know, sometimes personally and if not then via realtives or friends. It is very common, perhaps even more common than the statistics suggest. How may women think they are having a period when they are actually miscarrying?

    The reason I say this is not to say that what has happened to you is any less horrible, of course it is not. But I guess you may feel that this is sign of an underlying problem that will cause this to happen again, this was certainly how we felt. The reality is though that it is almost certainly not.

    Nature deals some pretty crappy cards sometimes. It is a horrible time but it does get better.


    Another been there , mrscarlos 3rd pregnancy never really started in a similar way (no2 at 12 weeks and no 4 at 18 weeks were miscarriages).I can only echo the advice above ,there’s a possibility you will need each other more than ever.Be strong for your wife but don’t hold your own emotions back, if you need to cry then just do it! after all this is your baby too.

    Mrscarlos ended up on antidepressants after the first miscarriage and blamed herself for everything going tits up when as mentioned above at least 1/3 of all pregnancies fail, luckily she caught on with our 2nd son soon after we’d given ourselves a 12 month deadline (we were both over 40 by this time).

    Hugs to you both.


    So sorry to read that, and I can only echo the above. Hearing that it is a common occurrence won’t offer any comfort, but the support you will gain from friends/family who have been through similar situations will.

    And it is a bereavement, so make sure you get the feelings out, talk about it…share it.

    Depending on how you deal with situations, the thought that “nature knows best” might help, but I know for sure my wife doesn’t think this way, so let her deal with it in the best way she knows, support her as best you can.

    Wish you all the best…


    We went through it 1st time round, it was awful. As many above have said, it isn’t necessarily an indication of a long-term issue. For us the second time round followed soon afterwards and youngster is now six months and all good.

    Best wishes to you both, help your missus as much as you can – it’s instinct for her to feel culpable.

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