Viewing 40 posts - 121 through 160 (of 176 total)
  • The definitive stw joke thread
  • Premier Icon gonzy
    Free Member

    why did the chicken cross the road?
    to get to the other side
    why did the chewing gum cross the road?
    stuck on the chickens foot
    why did the duck cross the road?
    chickens day off

    why did the chicken go the the mens toilet?
    cos that’s where all the cocks hang out

    Premier Icon theotherjonv
    Full Member

    Greg! Greg! Greg! Ian! Greg! Ian! Ian! Greg! Greg! Ian! Ian! Greg! Greg! Ian! Ian! Ian!

    A Chappell favourite.

    Premier Icon neil the wheel
    Full Member

    How many stw’ers does it take to change a lightbulb?
    7…one to change the bulb and six more to stand around saying how they wouldn’t have this problem if they switched to tubeless bulbs.

    Premier Icon gofasterstripes
    Full Member

    How many stw’ers does it take to change a lightbulb?

    7? Nope.
    It takes 1 STW user. But he has to stop half way through to login again, so he can ask which way to screw it up.

    Premier Icon mildbore
    Full Member

    A mountain biker takes a shortcut on a footpath across a golf course. He is accosted by a golfer who he recognises as his old teacher.
    “How come you can play golf here but I can’t use this right of way?”
    “Because I’m a Country Member”
    “How could I forget?”

    Premier Icon nedrapier
    Full Member

    Why don’t you see elephants hiding in trees?

    Because they’re so good at it.

    Premier Icon boltonjon
    Full Member

    Love the monkeys in the cherry tree joke πŸ™‚

    Premier Icon Cougar
    Full Member

    >Why do pirates count in octal?
    They’re obsessed with pieces of eight.

    Potentially a bit geeky but,

    What goes, “pieces of seven, pieces of seven”?

    A piratey error.

    Premier Icon cyclingweakly
    Free Member

    What goes “Mark!… Mark!… Mark!… Mark!…”?

    A dog with a hair lip.

    Premier Icon lankystreakofpee
    Free Member

    Another geeky one (not really a joke either TBH!)

    There are only 10 types of people in the world. Those that understand binary and those that don’t.

    Premier Icon Cougar
    Full Member

    … and those who understand ternary.

    Premier Icon lankystreakofpee
    Free Member

    I’ve just been diagnosed as being colour blind. I thought I had good eyesight so the diagnosis certainly came out of the purple.

    Premier Icon Tom_W1987
    Free Member

    Two Ukrainian look at sun. Is not sun, but Chernobyl nuclear reactor meltdown. Ukrainian happy because maybe now warm enough to plant potato.

    Premier Icon MTB-Idle
    Free Member

    Man walks into a Swedish chemists.

    Can I have some deodorant please?

    Certainly sir, says the assistant, Ball or aerosol?

    Neither, says the man, it’s for under my arms.

    Premier Icon Tom_W1987
    Free Member

    One day in Soviet Russia, man hear knock on door.

    Man ask “Who is?”

    “Is potato man, I come around to give free potato”

    Man is very excite and opens door.

    Is not potato man, is NKVD.

    Premier Icon MTB-Idle
    Free Member

    When I was young I used to pray to God that my parents would buy me a new bicycle.

    Then I learned how the world works, so I stole one and prayed for forgiveness.

    Premier Icon Cougar
    Full Member

    Man walks into a Swedish chemists.

    Can I have some deodorant please?

    Certainly sir, says the assistant, Ball or aerosol?

    Neither, says the man, it’s for under my arms.

    Heh, that’s an actual sketch. Pre-Python John Cleese and, er, Mel Smith I think. (Not The Nine O’Clock News? Maybe.)

    Premier Icon MoreCashThanDash
    Full Member

    Two Ronnie’s sketch. Swedish man goes into chemist etc iirc.

    Premier Icon MTB-Idle
    Free Member

    talking of old jokes, here’s one for you over 40’s.

    I entered a Marathon once.

    It was horrible, I got peanuts all over my kn*b 😳

    Premier Icon MoreCashThanDash
    Full Member

    I snickered at that

    Premier Icon MTB-Idle
    Free Member

    πŸ˜€

    Premier Icon slowoldman
    Full Member

    It WAS Not the Nine o’clock News
    [video]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6IBiR9m3vY[/video]

    Premier Icon tenfoot
    Full Member

    I got invited to the Premature Ejaculators Annual Ball so I phoned them up to ask them the dress code.

    “Just come in your pants” was the reply.

    What do you call an underground train full of professors?

    A tube of smarties.

    Premier Icon Cougar
    Full Member

    It WAS Not the Nine o’clock News

    Aha! I had the right show but the wrong performer; Rowan Atkinson not JC.

    Premier Icon crispy bacon
    Free Member

    Got lucky down the pub the other night & took a bird back home to her place.

    Ended up giving her one on the kitchen table when I heard a key going in the front door lock.

    “Quick” says the bird “try the back door!!”

    In hindsight I should have just legged it but you don’t get an offer like that everyday πŸ™‚

    Premier Icon jimmy
    Full Member

    My mate asked if I would run a sponsored marathon, I said no chance. He said it was for blind kids, I thought… I could win this.

    Premier Icon Cougar
    Full Member

    Courtesy of Frankie Boyle, that one.

    Premier Icon MTB-Idle
    Free Member

    crispy bacon – Member
    Got lucky down the pub the other night etc.

    Must be the week for it; me too.

    She was in her mid-fifties but was really well presented and she took me back to her place.

    After a bit of fumbling about she asked me if I fancied some mother/daughter action.

    Rock on I thought, let’s give this a go and so I said yes.

    She got up, went to the foot of the stairs and shouted ‘MOTHER!”

    Premier Icon jimmy
    Full Member

    Dates back further than Boyle, I think. He might have the harsher version of it.

    Premier Icon gecko76
    Full Member

    I knew this girl who really wanted a monkey (haven’t you always wanted a monkey?) so she phoned her dad up and asked for the money to buy a bicycle, because she knew he wouldn’t give her the cash for a monkey.

    He sent her the money and she bought her monkey and they were very happy. They went for walks in the park, played games, ate and slept together (not like that) and everything was going great until one day the monkey got ill.

    It was off its food and generally lethargic and then its fur started coming out in big clumps. Distraught, she phoned her dad.

    “Dad! All the hair’s coming out of my monkey! What should I do?”

    “Stop riding the damn bike!” he replied.

    Premier Icon Scapegoat
    Full Member

    I’ve taken up cage fighting and am pleased to say I won my first fight. **** budgie never knew what hit it.

    Premier Icon greatbeardedone
    Free Member

    Some friends recently returned from a trip to Transyllvania.
    They were overjoyed to get a guided tour of Count Draculas castle.
    Unfortunately, the museum and cafe were closed as they were undergoing a re-vamp.

    Premier Icon greatbeardedone
    Free Member

    My colleague has fallen head over heels in love with a young lady he met at a Beatles themed party.

    He was dressed as a walrus/ egg-man and she as Lucy in the sky with diamonds.

    I recently saw them together down the local and to be honest, I haven’t the faintest idea what he sees in her…

    Premier Icon welshfarmer
    Full Member

    My poor old granddad was killed by a Zulu

    A wall fell on him while having a dump at Whipsnade

    Premier Icon mildbore
    Full Member

    Two mountain bikers were looking at their dream bikes in a bike shop window. “That’s the one I’d get”.
    A passing cyclops smashed his head in

    Premier Icon Cougar
    Full Member

    Why are all the jokes about bass players one-liners?

    So drummers can understand them.

    You need to be careful making jokes about drummers.

    There will inevitably be re-percussions.

    Premier Icon Frankenstein
    Free Member

    6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

    Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It’s two tired.

    Premier Icon gatecrasher
    Free Member

    A new pound shop has opened near Harry Potter world it’s called Quidditch.

    Premier Icon zer0c00l44
    Free Member

    Paddy and Murphy are looking for a job so visit the jobcentre. While there one of the women does a quick search and say oh yes we have a job here for tree fellers. Paddy says, thats no good theres only 2 of us.

    Man goes into the butchers and asks for a pound of kiddlies, the butcher replies do you mean kidneys? The man says, thats what I said diddle I?

    Premier Icon shermer75
    Free Member

    mildbore – Member
    Two mountain bikers were looking at their dream bikes in a bike shop window. “That’s the one I’d get”.
    A passing cyclops smashed his head in

    I don’t get it. Is this an in joke?

Viewing 40 posts - 121 through 160 (of 176 total)

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