Teacher says to class ” give me a sentence with the word Contagious in it”
Little johnny sticks his hand up
” My dad saw a man drop a bag of apples. He said it will take that c*** ages to pick them up”

I spent a couple of hours at my wife’s’ grave today

Bless her! She thinks i’m digging a pond

I had a bird sh*t on me last week.

I’m not taking her out again…

Two cops came to my house last night and asked if I could show them a recent photo of my wife. I showed them the one on the mantelpiece and one said “Were sorry, it looks like she’s been run over.”

” Yes I know” I said, ” but she’s good with the kids.”

Contagious… Love that.

A bloke takes his daughter to the sweetshop so she has something to eat while he gets his hair cut. In the barbershop she drops one of her sweets on the floor. The barber says “awww have you got hair on your candy?”

“piss off” she says “I’m only 4!”

I think I’ve just bought a pirated film. Put it in the player and heard “Blu-ray, and up she rises…”

“Doctor, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my arse”
“How’s that?”
“Now don’t you start!”

You need to do this one in a Yorkshire accent….
Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vet
“cat’s sick vet” he says
Yorkshire vet says “is it a Tom”
Chap relies ” Nay lad, its in ‘box in waiting room”

Two game hunters are out in the woods when one of them suddenly collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy gets his phone and calls 999. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy’s voice comes back on the line. “OK, now what?“

She was a Morse Code Operator. Just like her Dad.

She didit because her dahdah didit.

What’s the difference between an argument with your wife & a knife? A knife has a point…

My new girlfriend thinks she has a stalker.

Well she’s not technically my girlfriend yet

I got a bottle of whiskey for the missus.

sounds like a fair swap…

Ive been catching up with an old pal, whose introduced me to a green liquer down at the local boozer.

The missus appreciates this but is perplexed by my insistence on breaking wind loudly as I stagger back from the pub. She says its like a motorbike roaring past.

Well you know what they say, ‘absinthe makes the farts go honda’

What’s got 8 legs and 8 eyes?

8 pirates

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because the Russians were after it!
.
.
.
.
sorry, Chechen not chicken.
IGMC.

Paddy’s wife rushes into the kitchen looking flustered and says didn’t you hear me fall down the stairs.
Paddy thinks for a moment and says sorry I thought it was the start of eastenders

Follow from the drummer jokes, how do you know when there’s a singer at the door? Can’t find the key and doesn’t know when to come in

Paddy

What do you call a bass player without a girl friend?
Homeless.

Q/ What do you call a hen
looking at a lettuce?
A/ Chicken Caesar salad

How do you shut up a guitarist?
Show him sheet music.

I asked the Librarian if she had any good books on voyeurism

“How the hell did you get in our bedroom?” her husband demanded

My favourite curry is a tarka. It is like a tikka but a little otter

A man giving a speech during a sex conference stands up and says:

“Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure”.

Then he sat down again.

What cheese can you gide a horse with?
Mascarpone

I just deleted all the German names off my phone.
It’s Hans-free

Shakespeare walks into a pub. Barman says “get out, ya bard”.

Who’s the coolest person in the hospital?
The Ultrasound guy.

Who’s the coolest person if the Ultrsound guy is on holiday ?
The Hip-replacement guy.

Why are all the jokes about bass players one-liners?

So drummers can understand them.

I was in B&Q and this man just walked up to me and asked if I wanted decking.

Luckily I got in the first punch.

Janet Street Porter walks into a bar and say “Could I have a large aperitif?”

The barman looks at her and says “I doubt it, love!”

What’s the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
You can punch information into a drum machine.

What’s the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
You can punch information into a drum machine.

Not quite – the punchline is ‘you only have to punch the information into a drum machine once’

I was pretty sure I had got over my phobia of German sausages but unfortunately I think it is coming back…

I fear the wurst

I rang babestation the other night, the girl on screen answered and said, “Hi sexy, how can I help?”
I said ” bloody hide! the missus is coming down the stairs and I’ve lost the remote”

What is the difference between a sharply dressed man on a unicycle and a dully dressed man on a bicycle?

A tyre.

Why are pirates called pirates? Because they Arrrr!

After all the drummer jokes it would be rude not to have an Accordion Player joke.

An accordionist is booked to play at a Hogmanay Party in a pub. At the end of the night the landlord says to him – ‘Everyone’s had such a great time, so much so I’d like to book you to come back and play next Hogmanay’

‘Not a problem’ says the accordionist ‘I might as well just leave my accordion here then’

(Phil Cunningham told me that joke)