No arguements but OH was on the edge of exploding by the time my mother left. The one day of the year when OH will just about tolerate my mothers company.
Mother arrived at 12.30 for dinner and didn’t stop to draw breath between then and leaving leaving at 3.30. even eating didn’t stop her. All totally nonesense and gossip about people we neither know nor care about. OH unwrapped her gift from mother to find a tin of John West(other brands are available) Tuna!! We just rolled about laughing, some kind of tension relief I think. Mother looked confused and said “but you eat tuna don’t you?” I could tell from her breathing that OH was on the verge so started talking about needing a nap until mother eventually took the hint and I walked her out the door, still talking as she went. OH spent the rest of the day with a headache so we gave up and went to bed around 10.

Off to her parents for dinner today who are both totally OK people.

FYI when the other half tells you it’s “fine” to take the two older boys out to to test their RC cars whilst she cooks Xmas dinner and feeds a newborn, it’s actually NOT fine.

Reeeeeally not fine. Not fine at all😐

You clearly have no idea what the word fine means when uttered by a partner! 🙂

OH unwrapped her gift from mother to find a tin of John West(other brands are available) Tuna!! We just rolled about laughing, some kind of tension relief I think. Mother looked confused and said “but you eat tuna don’t you?”

I mean… As presents go obviously it’s shite but it’s better than something that’s going to end up in landfill bought for the sake of it.

You clearly have no idea what the word fine means when uttered by a partner! 🙂

I mean, I know 😖 . It felt like a trap but you know, it’s Christmas so I thought maybe just maybe she meant it ..

We don’t really have family arguments but there’s a lot of frustration.

My Mum (now in her 70’s) has lived on her own in the family house now since the early 80’s (parents are divorced). Obviously we (me and my sister) were there throughout school / uni but we were gone by the early / mid 2000’s. So there’s nearly 40 years of accumulated clutter and tat in the place. Some of it is old school / uni work from both of us, the vast majority is just “things” that accumulate.

Books long past their use-by date (“how to use your digital camera” from 2005 anyone?), chintzy tat, “posh” crystalware that is anything but, trinkets, boxes and boxes of photos, stacks of magazines from long-expired subscriptions (there must be 7 years worth of National Geographic from the late 90’s), piles of soft furnishings over and around everything… It’s endless.

Every time I come down, I try and do stuff to help out – gardening, moving anything heavy, putting stuff into the loft etc that she can’t really do easily. But I’m trying to tidy stuff up, throw things out, ebay some of it. And every time it’s met with:
“oh just leave it for now, I’ll sort through it”
“well that can go in recycling, just leave it for now”
“oh I haven’t got time for this, just leave it there for the moment”

Stuff comes out, gets strewn around and is never put back. Tidying up is basically moving one pile of clutter from a to b or splitting it into two smaller piles. By the time she comes back to it a week later, she has no idea of what is what. It needs an absolutely ruthless clear out and there’s some intention there because occasionally my sister or I will get a call saying “I’ve found [thing], what do you want me to do with it?”

[thing] will then be left out for all eternity or until another Useful Box To Put Things In is purchased and filled with more tat. Part of it is that I think inside, she’s overwhelmed with how much there is to do but won’t admit it. She also gets tired and distracted very easily – she’ll start on something and then need a rest or decide to have a cup of tea or start reading something she’s found and that’s it.

My sister and I are both dreading the time when we have to clear this out – I mean there’s potentially another 20+ years of this to go!

Get her away for a weekend. Gain access and gut the place. Tell her she’s been done over by Swedish minimalists.

You clearly have no idea what the word fine means when uttered by a partner! 🙂

See, I’ve no patience for this sort of passive-aggressive asshattery. It took me years (because ASD) to work out that “fine” meant the opposite, and years more to come to the realisation that I shouldn’t have to put up with people who claim to love me and yet lay traps to intentionally trick me.

You tell me it’s fine, I’m going to believe you. If it’s not fine, just tell me that instead. If it’s broadly fine but you’d rather I did something else, open your goddamn mouth like a grown adult rather than acting like a petulant 12-year old afterwards for doing exactly what you said I could do.

And whilst we’re at it, “if you don’t know then I’m not telling you” can get in the sea as well. Fine, to coin a phrase. You stay mad at me for who knows what, then. Watch me not list half a dozen things you haven’t even thought of yet just to incriminate myself even further.

there’s nearly 40 years of accumulated clutter and tat in the place.

If it’s not a health risk and it’s not making her unhappy, why would you care?

Anyway,

By the time she comes back to it a week later, she has no idea of what is what.

That being the case, could you ask if you can ‘borrow’ it? “Hey mum, I’d really like show the kids all my old schoolbooks!” Would she remember that you’d taken them?

For what it’s worth, I was in a similar state, I was the world’s worst for “that might come in useful someday” except I could immediately lay my hands on something last seen 20 years ago. What (ahem, mostly) cured me was moving house. Some of it hurt – leaving my Laserdisc collection and last-gen A/V gear behind for instance – but a lot of it was just “why have I still got this?”

I’ve just been summoned to the room by my girlfriends grandad (whom I do get on very well with) after hiding away from the annual ‘racist friends of their age gathering’.

Racist posh weirdo with whom I share a mutual hatred: “Did you know that ALL Gospel music is played on the black notes on piano”. Me “Well I mean some of it is….the black notes on a piano broadly give you Ebm….”

Him “No, all of it is….Amazing Grace is all on black notes….and they accuse us of prejudice yet they don’t use the white notes”

Me….I walked off to avoid an arguement. I’ve got a masters degree in Musicolgy, and last year studied Gospel guitar with Isaiah Sharkey….the first song that we talked about was the Mahalia Jackson version of Amazing Grace.

The word fine is a trap. See also “whatever you think is best”. The correct answer is always the opposite of whatever you think is best.

Back to my MIL. She has Parkinsons. That is shitty. But she still insists on wearing jingly bracelets. They jingle. A lot.

Been here 6 days now, she still hasn’t left the house once.

We’re doing LFT’s before we come to see you, will let you know if any problems.
Oh, I wouldn’t bother.
Well, I wouldn’t want to give Covid to you.
We’re not bothering. If they’re positive we can’t see anyone so we’d rather not know.

Never had to think about argument avoidance at Christmas, but this year, making peace with leaving people to do their own thing about covid precautions was one of them.

I must admit i am continually surprised by the number of racist relatives on this thread.

Thankfully this year my wife took one for the team and got covid so we couldnt go to my parents. Made the obligatory phone call to my mother who proceeded to tell me “they” shouldn’t be allowed in and get given too much free stuff while “we” get nothing… My grandad was a displaced person after ww2 and my mother is half polish – if anyone can work out why she can’t make the link between my grandad and whats going on now I would love to hear it.

I must admit i am continually surprised by the number of racist relatives on this thread.

I used to think this was just a generation thing (people like 70+ aka my parents) unaware of what was and wasn’t acceptable to say these days and a general lack of understanding. Now I just think a large part of the UK is pretty racist.

I must admit i am continually surprised by the number of racist relatives on this thread.

The problem is that they don’t see themselves as racist, its just a normal backdrop to their lives from the right wing press and their own echo chambers.

BiL wasn’t too bad yesterday, to be fair. Or just learnt to keep his thoughts to himself

I used to think this was just a generation thing (people like 70+ aka my parents) unaware of what was and wasn’t acceptable to say these days and a general lack of understanding. Now I just think a large part of the UK is pretty racist

Bit of both I think. My grandparents weren’t overtly racist but neither of them had ever travelled outside the UK, they refused to eat “that funny forrin food” (this was back in the 80’s / early 90’s, they’re both long dead now) so things like pasta, curry, pizza were regarded with suspicion if not outright horror!

And they were both very white middle class who did white middle class things like going to National Trust and going caravanning, neither of which really saw any involvement from people outside that demographic.

Although their attitude wasn’t rude, if they ever encountered a person of colour, I still remember my grandmother would often have a surprised and bemused expression maybe saying something like “oh I wonder where they’ve come from?” as though they might have popped over from Ghana to do their shopping in Widnes town centre… 🙄

The word fine is a trap. See also “whatever you think is best”. The correct answer is always the opposite of whatever you think is best.

Or, more accurately, ‘please do what I want you do or there will be grumpiness’

See, I’ve no patience for this sort of passive-aggressive asshattery. It took me years (because ASD) to work out that “fine” meant the opposite, and years more to come to the realisation that I shouldn’t have to put up with people who claim to love me and yet lay traps to intentionally trick me.

Absolutely this. My ex used to do this to me and also threw in stuff like “I’m not telling you what I want for my birthday, if you really love me, you’ll know what I want”. Eventually I gave her a divorce. Apparently that wasn’t what she wanted. 😂

The word fine is a trap.

Only if one permits it. Part of being an adult is saying what you want clearly not coding things up to trap your partner.

My contribution to the topic. After the visit to the vet while the hound was coming out of sedation we dropped into visit the local family. We arrived just as my cousin was at the alcohol tipping point. The language in front of her mother was somewhat ‘fruity’ and shortly after the last glass she fell asleep on a large footstool. When we left she was falling down drunk (she’s also a mean drunk) and we were glad to have an excuse.

EDIT Interesting that the last three posts commenting on fine are from people who are on or maybe on the spectrum (I’m not diagnosed but exhibit some of the traits).

Now I just think a large part of the UKworld is pretty racist.

FTFY

Anyway, there should’ve been a fallout in the wife’s family but wasn’t.
MIL passed away 2 weeks ago, wife & 2 of her brothers went to the funeral place to sort out the funeral (3rd brother lives in Essex so was down there) 2 dates were available, 23rd or 29th. Seeing as my wife’s birthday is the 29th & all 3 wanted to get things done before Xmas they obviously agreed on the 23rd. Told bro number 3 who says, ‘oh, that’s a bit awkward’, my missus asks how it can be awkward & he says, ‘we’re hosting Xmas for Lynns family & I’ll be doing the prep’. Cue gobsmacked faces all round, but all 3 silly sods just said ok, but by that time the 29th was now unavailable & the funeral is now on the 30th.
Happy new year & birthday to Mrs Efg.

I’m at my sister’s today, couple hundred miles from where I’m currently living. She doesn’t drive, and uses a £2500(ish) ebike as most people would use a car. I’d asked her before coming up how the bike was running and did I need to bring up tools. No, it’s fine. Just been out to the garage: the front brake lever is pulling back to the bars, fluid bubbling out of one of the pistons, and the rear cassette lockring had come loose such that the cassette cogs were rattling round on the freehub.

We’ve just had a few words.

Well second Chrissy in Spain 🙂

Last years was grim,pretty much eating Chrissy dinner and checking that MIL was still breathing, she did hang in till news years eve and cashed out in the afternoon.

(Ironically if you’re getting shot you can have a last cigarette but if your a lifelong smoker apparently not.)

This years more upbeat crackers and pressies, I do miss my m8s though as we always did Christmas together as their mum died over a Christmas(also a smoker).

Don’t really get drawn into political convos with the FIL as he’s a all for Boris and Brexit,although it’s stopped his children and grand children from having the benefits of being able to retire to Spain as easily as he did.

I must admit i am continually surprised by the number of racist relatives on this thread.

Marcus Rashford was on the tele the other day. My MiL asked me where he was from. I said I think South London, she asked again “but where is he REALLY from”. South London I reply, and repeat, and repeat.

Have finally negotiated her leaving the house for fresh air (she hasn’t been outside for 7 days now). Agreed at about 9.30am that we would take a walk to get a coffee. She still isn’t ready now (10.55am)

I must admit i am continually surprised by the number of racist relatives on this thread.

TBH I’m more surprised that they usually bang on about it so much.

I don’t like chicken but I don’t tend to go on rants about it.

10.15. Still haven’t left.

The boss us driving me a bit mental with the whinging, nobody extra came round because of the Covids, MIL (vulnerable) already lives with us though (and hence did all the cooking for some reason)…

My lot have just gathered ad-hoc at my parents house 100 miles away which is fine, having agreed to an outdoor meet up. I was debating traveling down to them but she’s been watching the (bad)news and mentally contact tracing everyone to their inevitable Omicron contact point. So we’re apparently still doing a meetup in a carpark that nobody really seems to want to go to. And she keeps having a go at me for it all, even though it was her idea…

At least this year she seemed satisfied with her presents from me, which is rare TBH.

My MiL asked me where he was from. I said I think South London, she asked again “but where is he REALLY from.

Manchester.

We’ve just had a few words.

Gently going over a few things to look out for in future, I trust?

My MiL asked me where he was from. I said I think South London, she asked again “but where is he REALLY from.

Manchester.

Maybe she wanted the co-ordinates of his mum’s uterus? 😂

I tend to usually ask what they’re intending to do with the information. It’s a question people ask out of idle curiosity without really considering how it makes the person on the other end of it feel.

“they” shouldn’t be allowed in and get given too much free stuff

She should look into what “free stuff” they actually get. Off the top of my head so I might be out: asylum seekers get nothing and have to apply for (and be granted) refugee status before they’re allowed to work. If they’re properly destitute and homeless then they get something like £8.40/week but again they have to apply and it’s only awarded in exceptional circumstances.

if anyone can work out why she can’t make the link between my grandad and whats going on now I would love to hear it.

Your grandad likely wasn’t brown.

Interesting that the last three posts commenting on fine are from people who are on or maybe on the spectrum

I don’t doubt that it was a contributing factor in my misunderstandings. I remember years ago my dad asking me “you won’t want any chips, will you?” and I replied “no,” then was confused and disappointed when I didn’t get any chips after I thought I’d told him that I didn’t not want chips, I wanted some chips.

You only need a couple of narcissists and it starts to feel like controlling behaviour and emotional blackmail is just the way relationships are. What caused my epiphany was nothing to do with any NT traits, it was escaping from what I subsequently realised months later was an abusive relationship and I vowed it’d never happen to me again.

It vexes me when I ask someone for a pint or something and they’ll respond with “I’ll have to ask permission and get back to you.” This could be a joke and what they mean is that it’s just courtesy to let their partner know or to check whether there’s already plans they don’t know about, but it perpetuates the idea that a grown adult needs permission from someone else to go out for an hour. Does it work the other way when someone at her work proposes a gin night? How would a reply of “I’ll have to ask permission first” be received there, I wonder.

Just about to head to my parents for our delayed Christmas. Normally split it all into two, mun and dad with my uncle one day, mum and dad with my sister’s family another but it’s all in together this time. Two hyperactive (but decent) kids, my gammon-racist uncle who won’t shut up and a headache with a few aches and pains for good measure is not a great mix.

Might end up hiding in the garage with the dog and have a snooze in the Mini, no-one would find me in there with the cover pulled over. I may have used this tactic previously this year!

Joy 1530 on 27th December and we’ve finally tracked the smell to SiL vomiting on the carpet, dealing with the solids then saying nothing.

Wouldn’t recommend it but Covid means we’re locked up till the middle of the week. No sniping questions from either SiL about how many pupils are in each of our kids state school classes. No having to be polite when one drops in the fact that their latest kitchen cost more than half the value of our house (they were robbed & it looks just the same as the last one just in this year’s colours), no having to be so careful around the antivaxer.

Despite feeling like ____, We’ve had a far more pleasant Christmas than normal

Mrs weeksy sent me a WhatsApp last night after I’d been in the garage for 90 mins.

“You can come back in now”

I was wondering what she was on about so went in to ask.

“Well you got angry earlier and stormed out”

Errrrm, I’ve been singing to the radio and having a beer while fitting a dropper post, couldn’t have been less angry. I honestly had no idea what she was on about

BinL has skirted round his doubts on further restrictions, and then started mocking his neice for being very good at maths and science.

Given that her brother aced 3*s at A level and is now at Cambridge, I’m fairly sure she’s got enough nous to choose her role models wisely, but I could happily kick his arse from here back to Sussex

“Well you got angry earlier and stormed out”

I had that once. I went to mow her front lawn* as a surprise and misjudged her front door** so accidentally slammed it a bit too hard.***

(* – not a euphemism)
(** – still not a euphemism)
(*** – oh I give up)

… she didn’t speak to me for two days after that. Every cloud, I suppose.

a headache with a few aches and pains for good measure

Sounds like omicron to me unless the headache is xmas-permapissed.

I had that once. I went to mow her front lawn* as a surprise and misjudged her front door** so accidentally slammed it a bit too hard.***

(* – not a euphemism)
(** – still not a euphemism)
(*** – oh I give up)

😀