…when your brother walks in to your room whilst you’re cracking one off in front of your full pron collection (everything carefully arranged on the bed), and instead of saying sorry and retreating, he actually just carries on in and starts perusing the mags, completely ignoring the fact that I’ve got my dick in my hand and trousers round my ankles. Frigging weirdo!

Like when you ignore the shop assistance advise on a pair of jeans, and opt for the cheaper pair (they were all nicely folded), she watches me bemused as I head to the changing rooms, once in, I realize I have chosen a denim skirt.

Brilliant! 😀

oh, oh, forgot this…. when you split up with your girlfriend to enjoy dallying with a new girl at uni, upon receiving a birthday favour in her bedroom (she lived at home with parents), ex-gf knocks on the door and asks for you – cue going down the stairs merely half a minute after the vinegar stroke, bright red in the face (from the exertion like) to both her parents and your rather peeved ex asking why you’d not asked her out for drinks for your birthday. That was awful.

… when you’re cycling to work, having to stop to go through a gate and there were to very nice looking girls doing some stretches beside it. And you feel the need to cheerily say “oh, I know where I can park my bike now”…

oh, oh, forgot this…. when you split up with your girlfriend to enjoy dallying with a new girl at uni, upon receiving a birthday favour in her bedroom (she lived at home with parents), ex-gf knocks on the door and asks for you – cue going down the stairs merely half a minute after the vinegar stroke, bright red in the face (from the exertion like) to both her parents and your rather peeved ex asking why you’d not asked her out for drinks for your birthday. That was awful.

So you’re in your ex girlfriends bedroom, or why is everyone in the new girls hosue. Soemhow this needs more explanation!

A friend doing masters working out of council offices I go to help her out have a nightmare trying to find the place, one way systems, traffic lights road works etc…

Get into the office she is working out of an hour late so rushing

Me “it’s a **** nightmare round here whoever organizes these roads needs **** shooting!”

Bloke looking at 12 CCTV screens of roads behind her
“That would be me then”

😳

when you flip the bird and yell ‘****!’ at a car you pass at high speed in a built-up, residential area, because it is going too slow for your taste.

Only to realise that it is your own auntie at the wheel.

😳

I was 17.

When you give the “finger” to a white Audi A3 Convertible driver as they sound their horn and pass far too closely on the road.. To find its my next door neighbour x4 whose just picked up her new car and she recognised me..
Still, still no excuse for passing too close right??

Nice car mind.

I had a right go at someone when we were in a kids playpark with friends (near their house not ours), who had let their smelly mut poo in the sand. Said person with dog was also good mates with our friends, who havn’t spoken to us or returned our calls for a year now…

A mate of mine managed to borrow a rhythm pamphlet from one of the older boys at school, but on getting home that afternoon found that he didn’t have his house keys and his mum wasn’t in. Undeterred, he let himself into the garage (garage doors were never locked in those days) and got busy.

Only to be interrupted a wee while later by the postman, unable to get a parcel through the letter box, deciding that as garages were never locked it would be a suitable place to leave the oversize item.

Many moons ago i was a waiter in the local hotel and we had a group of people arrive on the Sunshine Bus with their carers.

Everything had been laid out ready but they brought more people than expected so we had to lay another table. I went over to give them all menus which they all took except for the last lady who just looked at me with a quizical look on her face. I just stood there offering her this menu for what seemed like an age before i suddenly realised she had no arms! I just wanted to ground to open up and swallow me.

En-route to the crematorium from Church on a funeral some twunt overtakes and cuts into the cortege in between the hearse and limousines…..
As he overtakes the he promtly gets called the C word and shown the bird…
Fast forward to the crematorium and the priest comes and over and mutters “I think I caought up with the cortege back there”

Don’t worry. I’m already going to Hell.

Early 90’s, there was a girl who worked in Piccadilly records who was unbelievably sexy

A few weeks earlier she was smiling at me at a gig, but I just didn’t have the balls to talk to her

Go in the record shop to buy an album, finally manage to calm down enough to go to the till, she actually moves another guy that was going to serve me out of the way to serve me

I grab from my pocket what I think is a £20, hand it to her, trying to stay cool and chat about the album, then when she looks at me quizzically, realise I have handed her the receipt from the atm, and then go bright red fumbling around for my money in my pockets

😳

story of my life

…when you see one of the yummy mummies from Jr’s school….

This started off so well 🙂

When you are the only commuter cyclist – and male – in an all-female office. Whe you change in and out of your cycling gear upon arriving at/departing from work in the bogs. When the cleaner finds a pair of skidmarked boxers on the toilet floor one night and helpfully drapes them over the banister outside so that their rightful owner can reclaim them. When there can be no rightful owner other than yourself. When you have to walk through a roomful of sniggering female colleagues to get to the broom cupboard/room off that you’re doing your training in. 😳

So you’re in your ex girlfriends bedroom, or why is everyone in the new girls hosue. Soemhow this needs more explanation!

Sorry – knocks at front door, freaky ex saw my car on the drive (it was not far from hers!).

grahamg – Member

…when your brother walks in to your room whilst you’re cracking one off in front of your full pron collection (everything carefully arranged on the bed), and instead of saying sorry and retreating, he actually just carries on in and starts perusing the mags, completely ignoring the fact that I’ve got my dick in my hand and trousers round my ankles. Frigging weirdo!

A guy I used to know walked in on his little brother (15) who had his pants round his ankles, standing in front of a girl who was sat on the bed with her top off and paying him some close attention. Girl is visibly shocked, little brother just looks nonplussed and asks him to shut the door.

that also reminds me of another one in my collection

I was going out with a girl in Huddersfield

her parents house was 3 weavers cottages made into one and due to the odd way the walls were upstairs her bedroom didn’t have a door, just an opening in the wall that was closed off with a curtain

One sunday afternoon was up there with her, going at it (parents were in the back garden), her older brother comes in from the pub, half cut, walks in the bedroom.

Cue screaming from the girlfriend, me still on top of her,
He says ‘I’m looking for my lighter’, and carries on searching around while I am propping myself up on my hands not knowing what to do for the best, girlfriend underneath screaming at her brother to get out

A teaching career is littered with them

Off the top of my head. Trying to end a mock with a group of 17 years olds “have we all finished? no I see Tom and Martin are still head down and hard at it at the back of the room”

From a mate. He was teaching specialist cells and had just set up a microscope with an example. Trying to enthuse his 15 and 16 old students he calls out to a group of “those sort of girls” “Have any of you lot seen sperm up close before”

AT a university party….my recently dumped ex (she was a jealous evil extreme sports loving psychopath) meets new girlfriend who is nice, bubbly and petite….I drunkenly break the awkward evil glares and silence (mostly from my ex) with the line “Sooo do you girls fancy a threesome”…

my blood ran cold when I realized what I had said

Did they?

That’s the sort of thing that falls out of my mouth far too regularly with little interaction from my brain. You know, when you look around to see who said that and realise with dread that it was yourself. Then you subsequently just open your mouth to change feet trying to dig yourself out.

I had to go back to a hotel (where I used spent a lot of time) to ask if my scarf had been found by housekeeping after I had checked out.

The receptionist smiled and looked at the other receptionist, who also smiled as they told me that yes indeed they had found my scarf.

It was at that moment I remembered that I had left it tied to the bed post 🙂

A few years ago I got back from a ride really thirst, and without shutting the front door I downed a can of coke or something and burped REALLY loudly a particularly rude word for what must have been at least 10 seconds, an instant after finishing “NNTTTTT…” there was a knock on the still open door.

I poked my head around the fridge to see a really dainty lady of around 80 who politely asked which side my elderly neighbour lived.

It still makes me laugh 😀

Walked into my local in Germany to see a female friend, who up until now had only worn jeans & t-shirt ( and had bit of a crush on me ) wearing a dress. I asked ” who’s died? ” and smiled. She’s says ” my Gran “. Classic.:-)

Used to date a girl who’s parents were cool about me kipping on the daughters floor for the night, so much so, her mum used to bring us a cup of tea in the morning.

One morning I was asleep and her mum stepped over me to put the teas on the bedside cabinet, in doing so I woke and as I opened my eyes I got a full view up her nighty

Needless to say she was no milf and I quickly closed my eyes and tried to forget.

Me and the daughter finished shortly after that

Just thought of another, mrs jackass one morning had let the cats out and hadn’t shut the front door enough for the catch to click, after her shower she realised that her underwear was on the dryer downstairs, as she passed the front door with only a towel on her head, the postman pushed the mail through the letter box and the front door swung open. The misses screamed trying to grab the towel from her head and cover her bits and the postman just gave a cheery ‘morning’ and carried on down the front of the houses.

Oh dear…
On meeting a lass in the street that I hadn’t seen for a couple of years, “Hi Julie, congratulations, when’s it due?”
Her, “Actually Steve, I’m just fat”

When you want to just get home so you “filter” in the bus lane when a car pulls in front of and the driver gets out so you jump out of yours and fly into full road rage mode before clocking the sergeant’s stripes and words “Grampian Police” on his epaulettes.

Whilst knocking one out to the best selection of jazz mags a 16yr old could find (25 odd years ago) in ones bedroom and mother rudely barges in (what mother enters a teenagers bedroom unannouced ffs?) – all decency was suitably covered up by the duvet just in time, however the rustle of glossy paper prompted the as ever unsubtle mother to proclaim “I know what you keep under your bed – I just hope you don’t view all women in that light” FFS!

Same mother – a year or so later…

Had been banging a g/f the night before in same bedroom and the next day she states “If you and ****** must have sex in the house, would you mind doing it on the floor or something, as the creaking of your bed makes it a bit distracting to watch tv downstairs”

FFS – I’m a teenager, buy me a better bed!

“Mum, have you seen what was in my drawer”
“Nope”
“Dad, are you ok”

“I reaaaaaaaaaaaly like this Muse album ,where’s the Pringles.”

*what’s that smell*

Earlier today, in the changing rooms after taking my two year old daughter swimming. Got her dressed and then set about organising myself. Off come the swimming shorts, and in the brief moments it took to find my towel:

Daughter [staring at my twig and berries]: “What’s that?”
[Daddy does not respond]
Daughter [serious look on her face, and pointing]: “Daddy, what’s that?”
Daddy [fully aware that there are people in the adjoining cubicles]: “Buh… Durr… Mummy will tell you about it in a few years’ time.”

When you preface a long email to a business partner “I have not cc’d X (other partner) on this yet”

and then as you press send realise you only bloody have 😳

@Stoner: It seems people do that quite a bit at my work, shortly followed by trying to recall the message. The only problem being that of course by attempting to recall the message, you make everyone read it. I’ve been wondering if I should start my emails at work with the subject “RECALLED: …..” just to get people to read them!

that awkward moment when you stumble downstairs at the crack of dawn to answer the door to the postman, and realise as you’re signing for your package that you

a). slept in the nud
b). are proudly sporting morning glory that could support a wet bath towel

that awkward moment when a girl you’ve fancied for ages asks you – dead seriously – if you’d be up for a threesome, so you agree eagerly, only to realise immediately that it’s not you and her and her hot girlfriend, but you and her and her boyfriend

nonononnonononooonnonoooooo

how was it jules?

yunki – Member

that awkward moment when you stumble downstairs at the crack of dawn to answer the door to the postman, and realise as you’re signing for your package that you

a). slept in the nud
b). are proudly sporting morning glory that could support a wet bath towel

You do realise that the natural home morning glory of morning glory is the crack of Dawn?

Few years ago, baking hot day at the mother in laws house, whole family sat outside, I sit on a sun lounger only to have”the old fella” pop out of my shorts… 😳
Old G/F at my parents house, said parents go out, me and the gf get down to business. Few minutes later I can hear banging downstairs only to find my parents banging on the door as they had gone out without keys and had been trying to get in for about 10 minutes, dad very sternly says to me”son, I hope you are being careful”…. 😀

go on nbt :p

Just remembered one

Top boss asks me for some details of colleagues domestic circumstances.

I accidentally send e-mail to colleague not top boss.

line manager who I CCed runs in tell me of problem. I hadn’t been that outrageous

Smooth waters with colleague

Then in a spine chilling moment

I get an e-mail pointing out that while dealing with this problem I was making screen cast and that the e-mail is now available for the world to see on youtube

Luckily only 1 person noticed. Or bothered to mention it and colleague boss and line manager never found out