Stood in line at the super market checkout with 3 more people in front of me and the couple behind say it’s busy in here !!!!

Some of these has brought a real smile to a dull Friday afternoon.

In a cafe with a friend for a hang-over brunch – reading aloud from the menu she says ‘Cheese and mushrooms of toast’ then looks at me puzzled and asks ‘whats in that?’

Back when I was a povvy student, I worked part time in a bowling alley. They had these staff questionnaires for each department which were supposed to be part of the training but as far as I could see were an exercise in box-ticking so that they could put up charts showing a high percentage of staff getting high scores.

I took a few seriously, but by the time the Diner one rolled around I’d about seen my arse with the whole thing so I went to town on it. “Name four enemies of oil” – “Captain Degreaser, Destroyer of Lard” and so on. One of the questions read “how would you describe a ‘Fish In A Bun'(tm) to a prospective customer?” to which I wrote, predictably enough, “it’s a bun with a fish in it.”

I got a formal warning for that one. Worth every minute.

Brits are great about stating the bleeding obvious about the weather.

Nice day
Bit nippy
It’s raining
It’s getting dark

Best is when you’re told what the weather was doing yesterday.

It’s like weather tourettes, you can’t help it.

My elderly Great Aunt does that. It’s her sole topic of conversation.
“ooh, hark at the weather!”
“gosh, it’s raining hard now”
“look how dark it is!”

Yes, we know.

Big clear bag of sardines at work, “caution contains fish”.

Walked into Gloucester A&E a few years back on a Saturday afternoon with a dislocated shoulder, still in my full rugby kit (minus scrum-cap I might add). Said to the ‘lady’ on reception “I think I’ve dislocated my shoulder” to which her immediate response was “How did you do that?” with no hint of humour or sarcasm at all.

About 25 years ago I worked as the Saturday boy in the “Sock Shop”. One day a young lady comes in, stares at the shelves with a confused look on her face for a couple of seconds before coming up to me.

“Excuse me” she says, “Do you sell socks?”

Me – “Errr…”

dunno about everyone else but I wanna see pictures of esselgruntfuttock’s legs.

My girlfriends mother reliably informed me that ‘price comes at a cost’ last night.

My dad always used to say at the football “that would have gone in if the keeper hadn’t saved it”.

Mr Policeman: “What are these for?”

Pulls a bunch of keys out of my pocket…

Me: “They are for opening doors with.”

Last week I was riding at Cathkin Braes one evening after work.

As I arrived in the car I saw another car milling about in the car park, wondered what they were up to but didn’t see any obvious shenanigans so ignored them and carried on putting my gear on.

Said car drives over. Window goes down

“We’re the police” Plain clothes police officer holds up badge
“Ah okay, I wondered what you were up to” says I.
Without a hint of irony the policeman replies: “Can I ask what you are doing here?”

I’m standing in a cycling jacket, with gloves and a helmet on. I’m holding a bike which has a bright light on it, there is another light on my helmet. They’ve been sat in their car for five minutes presumably watching me taking the bike of the roof of the car and putting my lights on the bike!

“Er… See this bike, see these lights I’m going to ride it in the trails over there”
“What are there trails here?”
I helpfully shine my helmet light on the massive billboard that says “Cathkin Braes Mountain Bike Trails”
“Oh we didn’t know there were bike trails here” say the Police “Is it something you can only do in the dark?”
“No but during the day I’m at work”
The policeman pauses for a second clearly processing this information then comes out with: “So, I take it the track isn’t lit”
“No. That’s why I have lights”

Strathclyde’s Finest

stood in line at the super market checkout with 3 more people in front of me and the couple behind say it’s busy in here !!!!

Just say loudly if this place wasnt so bus more people would shop here

Watch their little brains try and work it out (or see how many agree with you )

On my first ever trip to Belgium a few years ago with the wife and outlaws, I was very excited about sampling the huge variety of lovely beers they have. A friend of mine in the UK owned a bar that specialised in beer from Belgium so I already had my favourites and had a healthy respect for the stronger types so determined not to the classic English dick abroad.
So after the polite and expected jaunt around the Christmas market we headed to what the father inlaw and I have scoped out as the bar / pub of choice for the evening.
So in we walk, I go to the bar and stare blankly at the bar keep. I could not get the potentially disastrous phrase of ‘Do you have any Belgian beers’ out of my head. I started to open my mouth a couple of times but that phrase and no other would come to the fore.
Eventually after what seemed ages of me stood there like a guppy staring blankly at this guy he saved my arse by offering the beer menu, by which point my face was glowing nicely.

Oh, I went to Brazil once as well. I didn’t buy any nuts there though, that would have finished me off.

😀 @ richmtb