In a research report on Consumer Behaviour in France from a well-respected market research agency:

“The main meals in France are breakfast, lunch and dinner”

🙂

650b wheels really bring the trail alive.

We have breakfast, dinner and tea.

Got a puncture on the canal in the summer, a great big nail through the rear and the tyre went ‘HISSSSSSSSSSS’ until flat, Bloke leans out out a canal barge and says ‘you’ve got a puncture’
no fugging shit sherlock!

Nah, you were just out of bottom air. The top air’s fine.

Wearing a helmet helped me avoid an nasty injury

your a big bloke arn’t you…… 😀

If you went a bit faster you could beat the guy who finished in front, that’s where I’ve been going wrong.

Bloke in the chippie behind me at lunchtime.

“Meat pie please, love.”

“Is that everything?”

“Yes thanks. Wrapped separately.”

Wut?

If you went a bit faster you could beat the guy who finished in front, that’s where I’ve been going wrong.

Isn’t that a corruption of a David Coleman gaff? “If that had gone in, it would’ve been a goal.”

Old lady ‘Do you sell stamps here?’
Post office worker ‘Yes, we do.’

your a big bloke arn’t you

“Spelling and grammar aren’t your forte.”

“Spelling and grammar aren’t your forte.”

Which should have been:

Speling and grammer arent you’re forte

😆

More a question inviting a statement of the bleedin obvious as a response:

I’m astride my Decathlon Rockrider bike (it was cheap, okay?). I’m wearing (also for reasons of economy) branded Rockrider shorts, gloves, shoes and helmet.

PC Plod: Is this your bike sir?

Brits are great about stating the bleeding obvious about the weather.

Nice day
Bit nippy
It’s raining
It’s getting dark

Best is when you’re told what the weather was doing yesterday.

It’s like weather tourettes, you can’t help it.

love it when the weather forecaster (the clue should be in the name) tells me it has been p****g down all morning – hey sweetie, I know, now tell me something I don’t.

PC Plod: Is this your bike sir?

It’s questions like that which get me in trouble. “No, it’s my horse.”

Wearing a helmet didn’t help me avoid a nasty injury, I still broke my foot.

Brits are great about stating the bleeding obvious about the weather.

Nice day
Bit nippy
It’s raining
It’s getting dark

Best is when you’re told what the weather was doing yesterday.

It’s like weather tourettes, you can’t help it.

Because our weather system is pretty unique, and very changeable.

Aren’t all weather systems equally unique?

Ex housemate used to state the obvious all the time, I started thinking I was living a in a Pete vs Life universe.

I come in with a load of groceries “Been shopping then?”
Bacon under the grill, buttering some toast “Bacon sandwich is it?”
Stabbing him in the neck “Killing me then are you?”

So i walk out into the car park, wheeling a bike, dressed in cycling clothes, a rucksack on my back, a cycle helmet,and SPD shoe clips clunking under me,Neighbour says every time you going for a bike ride then.

another neighbour usually says to me,i forgot you cant hear me with those radios in your ears, when she is facing me.

Keep away from that fire it’ll burn you

Old lady ‘Do you sell stamps here?’
Post office worker ‘Yes, we do.’

[video]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CEGIgDUYOHo[/video]

After going on my arse on an icy road, a woman in a car pulled up and said
“Watch out, the roads are slippy”

After every big crash I’ve ever had…
As I’m laying in a crumpled bleeding heap, “are you alright?”
Or “that looks painful”

‘haven’t you got short legs’

Yes i know, so naff off right.

Princes St Edinburgh – asked by a tourist – “Is that the Castle up there?” Whilst pointing at the great big castellated, crenelated, stone walled thing at the top of the cliff flying the biggest effen flag in town.

PC Plod: Is this your bike sir?

Me: That’s a trick question, right? 🙄
Actually, the one that really has me turning into Mr Grumpy, is when I’m standing at the front of a queue of maybe thirty or forty people at The Fleece in Bristol, fifteen/twenty minutes before doors open, with the doors quite clearly closed.
Cue some bright spark walking up, looks at the doors, pushes at them, finds them closed, turns to me and asks, ‘is it open?’
Me, usually: ‘yes, we’re standing around in the cold and wet because we prefer it to standing around in the warm and dry with a drink!’ 🙄
And yes, actual scenario and reply. Not sure if I blame the parents or the education system.
I mean, really!

Because our weather system is pretty unique, and very changeable.

How hope that was said with Tongue firmly in cheek.

It couldn’t be further from changeable if you tried. Its day after day, dreary, dull, damp, dark, grim, bland, drizzle.

During my misspent youth pushing broken Vespa down road

PC plod is this your bike

Me no officer it’s a winged chariot

PC plod WHAT??think your funny do you

Me we’ll I try hard sometimes 😀

Copper “Where you going”
Me “home”
Copper “why”
Me ” Because i live there ”

I’m a fireman and it always makes me laugh when I’m driving to a job and there are flames pouring out the windows there’s always someonestood waving and pointing, thanks pal i would have driven straight past if you hadn’t pointed that out!!

Which football manager said when told (something like) “…you have to finish above Man Utd to win the league…” replied with (something like) “…well, you have to finish above everybody to win the league [insert name of reporter]…”

I’ve been trying to dig out the quote online but can’t find it.

not so much stating the obvious but….

In a cafe with a friend for a hang-over brunch – reading aloud from the menu she says ‘Cheese and mushrooms of toast’ then looks at me puzzled and asks ‘whats in that?’

But my favourite was strap line from a magazine.

Magazine title ‘Scottish Woman Magazine’
which used to have the strap line ‘The magazine for women in Scotland’

I’m astride my Decathlon Rockrider bike (it was cheap, okay?). I’m wearing (also for reasons of economy) branded Rockrider shorts, gloves, shoes and helmet.

PC Plod: Is this your bike sir?

There was one in Tom Shields’ Diary* years ago about a Dundee Council refuse operative who was being interviewed as a witness by Tayside’s finest. They asked him what his occupation was.

He looked at his council overalls, and back at the officers.

He looked at his dustcart and back at the officers.

He said “Actually, I’m a neurosurgeon at Ninewells Hospital”. And got nicked for wasting police time.

*Glasgow Herald column

In a bar in Amsterdam playing pool, bloke comes up and lifts the black ball and puts it into the pocket, I ask him what the hell he’s doing.
He says don’t you know who I am.
I reply with no why have you forgotten your name.
The door men rush to throw me out as it turns out he’s the manager.

I got absolutely stuck in a groove today, we had an event starting at 1pm, loads of people arrived early and said “Hi, we’re here for the event starting at 1pm”, from about 11am on, and every single time I said “OK, well, you’re a bit early”. Every bloody time 🙁