- Surrounded by death
I suppose I’ve been lucky in my 45 years that I’ve not had to deal with too much death but at the moment it feels like I’m surrounded by it.
First there was my Grandmother. She made it to her 99th birthday before passing away a few weeks ago. Hers was about as good a death as you could hope for. A relatively quick deterioration this year and we all (children and grandchildren) got the chance to say goodbye. I shed some tears and laughed at the funeral but as I said as good an end to life as could be expected.
Then there is my uncle (my grandmother’s son). Denial about going to see the doctor has led to him having terminal cancer. I’m quite angry about that if I’m honest. Not fair but still I can’t deny how I feel. My other reason for being angry is that I’ve only recently found out out that his ex wife was forbidden to contact the rest of the family following their split. I always liked her so I’ve been denied her company for the last 15 years. I’m annoyed about that.
This weekend came the real kick in gut. I met Claire 5 years ago on a skiing holiday. Call it a mid life crisis (she was 14 years my junior) but we hit it off and dated for a short time. It didn’t work out but no hard feelings. We kept in sporadic contact for a time but nothing for a while. This weekend I found out that 18months ago, having been very depressed, she took her own life. She would have been 29 at the time. The guilt I feel is something new ( damn Catholic upbringing). My rational brain knows that there is nothing I could have done but in my stomach there is a knot where the guilt sits.
So here I sit in the sun drinking a beer on my own surround by the death of others feeling a weird mixture of relief, anger and guilt. The next few weeks will be difficult.
That was probably a bit darker than I intended. Just needed to vent somewhere.Posted 4 months agograhamt1980Subscriber
Just keep venting, sometimes things come all at once.Posted 4 months ago
remember the good times and good things and if you need help always reach out. Plenty of people out there who can talk.
drop me a line if you want a someone completely unknown to email rant at. I promise I won’t take it personallygnusmasSubscriber
Been living with it for the past 10 months or so myself, as most here know. Today would have been my wife’s birthday, instead trying my best to get through the day with as little commotion as possible. A bit difficult with 4 kids but trying my best nonetheless.
As had been said already, keep venting and talking. On my website and blog, I have covered a fair bit, including links to help understand and process grief. The address is
These might be of help to you. Otherwise, if you need a chat or whatever please let me know, I’m willing to listen and help if I can.Posted 4 months agopondoMember
Death is so bloody FINAL! And it does seem like there are lengthy periods where it seems to want to repeatedly kick you to the floor and laugh as you try to get back up – there isn’t, I fear, a quick, easy answer, all you can do is keep on keeping on and it seens, IMHO, like the sadness, the badness, the “WTFness” of it will very, very slowly ease over time. For what it’s worth, my thoughts are with you all.Posted 4 months agogonefishinMember
Gnusmas I was thinking about your situation before I posted and almost didn’t as a result. Again it was a battle between my ration brain screaming that you would be nothing but empathetic because grief isn’t a competition whereas that other voice was quietly whispering in its insidious way that your situation was worse and I had no right to complain.
Thank you for once again demonstrating your obvious empathy and proving that dark voice wrong.Posted 4 months agognusmasSubscriber
Gonefishin – grief is definitely not a competition. Everyone grieves in their own way in their own time. That’s all we can do while we try and deal with it. I hope you you can too.
The invitation goes out to anyone. If anyone wants/need a chat or anything else, please get in touch. I may not have the answers, but I have life experience of it and may be able to help in some small way.Posted 4 months agoslackaliceSubscriber
I feel for you OP and many wise words above. I’m familiar with death, I was in my late teens when the first major one occurred suddenly and unexpectedly. Shocking and life changing. None of them are easy, each one takes me through the process. It’s good to talk, when you’re feeling ready there will be a bereavement counselling/listening/sharing service local to you, it helps for some, not so much for others.
The way I view loss now is that life is about loss, or rather life is how we deal with loss, any sort of loss.Posted 4 months agosingletrackmindMember
I hear where you are coming from OPPosted 4 months ago
Last month I had a terrible week.
The admin lady in the garage in the unit adjoining ours passed away ( c )
Then Mark Bullheart died a few days later ( C )
2 days afer that my Uncle died quite suddenly ( C )
The next day I get a txt from my skiing buddy ” Got Myloma bone cancer and starting radiotherapy tomorrow”
each one was a reality check that none of us is immortal and the inevitable will happen , still sucks thoughboomerlivesSubscriber
You’re surrounded by life, but you are concentrating on deaths. There’s no reason, sitting in the sun sipping a beer should be a pretty good place to be.
I understand that these things hit you hard, but think about why death is terrible but not unexpected.
A couple of years ago we had a 20 year class reunion, and of the 32 in my class, 9 were no longer with us. It was sobering, but we raised a glass for them and revelled in still carrying on.Posted 4 months agowigglesMember
Sounds like a rough time, not a lot I can say other than it does hurt less over time.
I was extremely lucky and went 27 years of my life with no close friends/family dying so it hit me pretty hard when my gramp died last year but I was lucky to have him around for so much of my life.Posted 4 months agoNZColMember
It’s a right prick life. I had a bit of an issue in November which was dealt with by surgery and some zapping. That’s on top of what feels like a bi-monthly notification that someone’s dead or dying. It’s prompted me to re-evaluate the fact I’m mid 40s and need to live life not be a passenger.Posted 3 months ago
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