So I’ve just spent the day at an intensive care unit after finding out last night that an extremely close friend suffered a massive and untreatable brain haemorrhage. Been told there’s no chance of recovery, and they’ll probably be pulling the plug tomorrow after tests to confirm brain death. Worst thing is she has a 7 year old daughter who we’re currently looking after while her partner deals with all the family and friends who are visiting to say their goodbyes. The poor kid still doesn’t understand what’s going on (she’s been told) and is currently bouncing around the house with my kids like nothing’s happened.

I’ve been pretty lucky (? if you can call it that) so far and only had to deal with dead grandparents. This is on another level. How the hell do people deal with this shit?

Dunno why I’m posting this here. Feels cathartic though.

Keep posting. This is horrible and Ive not gone through this but I am sure you are doing the right things

How the hell do people deal with this shit?

Dunno why I’m posting this here. Feels cathartic though.

Well, step one is talking about it, so that’s a good start.

So sorry to hear this, my thoughts go out to you.

Sorry to hear this daz. Her daughter is probably in shock. I lost my brother very suddenly (hit by a car) and it’s a lot to process for all involved. Just carry on being there for her daughter and family. Don’t forget about yourself though, keep posting if it helps.

Dunno why I’m posting this here. Feels cathartic though.

writing stuff down helps, be it here, a diary or a notebook. It is a positively good thing to do

Other than that be prepared for a rollercoaster over the next couple of weeks. It can hit you at the most unexpected moments 🙁

Wishing you strength through this

You need your own support network so see family and friends.
Awful thing to happen.

8 weeks ago my dad had a brain haemorrhage,the position of it meant they couldn’t operate, he was put into a coma and we were given the talk everyone dreads. They said they were bringing him out of his coma the following morning but would not resuscitate him if he didn’t breath on his own. He did, but the surgeon told us he wouldn’t make it past 48 hours. He did but was still not in a good way. Seven weeks later we brought him home, he still has loss of memory, can’t walk far and has to eat soft foods at the moment but he still has a quality of life and is happy, as are we.
We had said our goodbyes and were making future plans, we never thought we would be where we are now and all the scans said we shouldn’t be so hopefully you might have a similar experience.
It’s an awful thing to deal with so don’t be afraid to post and talk, whatever works for you is good.

They said they were bringing him out of his coma the following morning but would not resuscitate him if he didn’t breath on his own.

They’re doing that tomorrow. It would be good to have some hope but last night they did hugely invasive surgery to save her, then she had a second bleed which affected the brain stem. Glad to hear your dad is recovering though. Good luck with it.

Can’t really offer much beyond letting you know your in the thoughts & wishes of a complete stranger, probably many miles away.

My dad’s best mate went the same way. Fit, active guy in his mid-50s. Underlying problem could have been there for years.

Fair really doesn’t come into it, does it?

Wishing you all that you’ll need to get through it. It sounds like you’re already providing a tonne of help.

Sorry to hear this Daz. Just saw your post on FB and wondered what was wrong. Thinking of you and your friends.

Just sending strength, love and vibes. Have been there. Life is often short, but loved ones are forever. So sorry. You’ll all carry her memory alive in you always, and in that she won’t die.

echoing what Russ said Daz.
FWIW, my brother is having neurosurgery on the 18th to hopefully stop an aneurysm in its tracks; a few weeks ago he went a bit wrong, had a stroke and his BP went haywire, and they discovered 2 aneurysms, one of which is pretty big and could be problematic soon. i have no idea how to deal with even this, to be honest.

i have no idea how to deal with even this, to be honest.

There’s no way you can, you just react instinctively. TBH today everyone has held it together remarkably well, especially round her daughter. It’s amazing what people are capable of at times like this.

Firstly very sorry to hear about all this seems you are coping as well as could be expected.

Secondly, you are doing a very admirable thing by stepping in to look after this girl in one the hardest things imaginable.

Nothing much to add, other than my best wishes in a horrible situation. FWIW I’d be more worried about your friend’s partner than the daughter – small kids are remarkably resilient, more so than adults. Assuming he’s a “he” (and not a woman) he’ll need a lot of help in the weeks to come 🙁

Thinking of you daz. Simply horrible situation.

Thinking of all of you.

If anyone thinks a ride may help, drop us a line.

Aw, man – that’s awful

Well done for taking care of each other

I feel your pain-A close friend died about a decade ago from a brain haemorrhage ,and at the wake I was jumping around on the bouncy-castle with his daughters,aged 3 and 5,very surreal.
If it”s any consolation they`re both lovely and well-adjusted teenagers now,although we all still miss their Dad to this day.

My sister in law died suddenly over easter, leaving an 8 month and 5 year old. My wife is struggling to put everything into perspective at the moment.

My friends wife, who both me and my wife loved dearly, died suddenly 4 years ago, 2 weeks after giving birth to their second child.

I wish there was some advice I could give for the here and now but it probably took me 2 years to reach a point where I didn’t think about her every day.

While I’d not experienced a tragedy like that previously I guess my saving grace was I’d spent years working in critical care so knew these things happen and very often it’s a case of rather than asking why me asking why not me?

Grief counselling is wonderful and while it might not stop the pain it will provide strategies to frame it in a way that lets you cope.

Sorry for your loss and best of luck moving forward.

I’ve been pretty lucky (? if you can call it that) so far and only had to deal with dead grandparents. This is on another level. How the hell do people deal with this shit?

Focus on the child. Despite the awful, awful tragedy, they have needs and will amaze you with their resilience.

My sister died of a hemorrhage last year leaving four children. Even when you are expecting eventual death, it always comes as a shock.

We all felt sorry for the poor nurse who had to basically come and say “We need the bed, can we move her out of ITU”, whilst we waited for her to die. We had to see the humorous side of things. She lasted 8 hours, and we all drank tea as she breathed her last. Then I took a walk in the sunshine. And we went home to tell the children and school.

Feels like yesterday.

The resilience of children is amazing, but if they are old enough to ask questions they need to be answered truthfully*. they will often process things in a very simple way and will offer a route to acceptance of the situation that wouldn’t occur to adults.

my dad died suddenly four years ago, my kids were asleep at the time and trying to explain why grandpa wasn’t there any more was a very hard thing to do.

my thoughts are with you, its a horrible position, but as above, focus on the daughter as she will need help and helping her will help others too.

*obviously spare any gory or upsetting details, but saying someone has gone to a better place can lead to confusion, which is hard to unpick.

Thinking of you all. That is truly horrible.

Thinking of you.

Friends wife died of brain cancer a few years back, so not sudden, but still horrible. The point to make is that kids are very resilient, that is true, but also they don’t do grief in the same way as adults. A bereavement counsellor likened it to paddling in the sea – we adults go in ankle deep, maybe knee deep, and then walk around there for ages just getting by.

Kids will either be completely bloody soaked, or back on the beach and dried off as if nothing happened, very rarely middle ground.

At Fiona’s funeral, even as his Dad was delivering a very touching eulogy, the son piped up to ask if they could go swimming afterwards. Just because they seem to be dealing with it, be ready that as soon as you can get them dry and warm again they’ll be back in the sea.

One final point – whatever you say, please do NOT say that your friend “fell asleep and didn’t wake up”. Tell it bluntly; “Mummy had bleeding inside her head, this bleeding stopped mummy’s brain from working properly and she died”. Death is final, going to sleep is not.

When my mother died five months later (same disease, different consequence), I took all the grandchildren surfing on the beach in the rain. We couldn’t face a second funeral.

Yeah I cannot imagine what it is like to live through it but I have a close friend who lost his wife to repeated brain tumours (so at least they had time to spend together to say goodbye) but he has pulled through and his boy (who was 14 when it happened) seems to be coping.

And another friend or a friend who basically sat up in bed in the middle of the night, sat bolt upright, sucked in a very loud deep breath (which woke her husband) then simply died right there and then. She left behind two children under 10.

🙁

When children asks what being dead is, does it hurt etc. ask them if they remember what it felt like before they were born. It’s just like that.

The point to make is that kids are very resilient, that is true, but also they don’t do grief in the same way as adults

And don’t assume that apparent resilience means they don’t need support. It’s just that the support is different to what an adult needs.

So this horrific and surreal situation will conclude tomorrow when the ventilators are turned off and the organs of our friend are taken and given to others. Still feels very raw obviously, but I’ve learned more about people (and myself), and what they’re capable of in the last 3 days than I have in the preceding 42 years. Her daughter and partner (bloke BTW to answer a question above) are staying at ours tonight. Her daughter now understands what’s happened. She explained the whole thing to my 9 year old, and quite frankly I’m flabbergasted at how well she’s understood and accepted it. Been sat around my kitchen table tonight with her partner and Mrs Daz drinking gin, laughing and joking about the past, and making plans for the future. It’s going to be hard, but it’s going to be ok. Thanks all for the comments, they have helped a lot.

So sad and yet inspiring at the same time

So sorry to hear about your Friend.
My brother died 3 years ago, and telling my kids, who were 3 & 6 at the time was so hard, however they have also been a great comfort and support to us during this tough time.
As others have said, keep the answers honest and on-topic, encourage them to talk as much as they want about their feelings.
One thing we did was to buy a helium balloon and got the kids to write a note to their uncle which we attached to the balloon and let it go on a walk in the park.
This helps reinforce the message that the person has gone and you can no longer communicate via ‘normal’ channels.
Good luck for the weeks ahead, please ask on here if there is anything you need.

I’m so very sorry for you and your friends. And yes it is surreal. Out of the darkest times, there are moments of real humour. Dark humour. Waiting for my sister to finally stop breathing, over cups of tea, whilst trying not to be a bedblocker. You had to see the funny side.

Children will take it better than the adults, but will also be up and down. You might like to inform her school in person and provide a few details for the teachers.

I took my sister’s children to school when we got back from the hospital, and informed the teachers in person (my sister was also a school governor). Routine will be important, and other children tend to be a good support network.

Out of the darkest times, there are moments of real humour.

It’s the weirdest thing. I know it’s a cliche to say how brave people have been, but it’s got to the point where those of us closest to it have just about accepted it, and in a very dark sense can even laugh about it. Others who found out later and who haven’t been involved in the decisions and the horrific detail are still coming to terms with it, and now we’re having to help them through what we’ve already been through.

The most bizarre thing is that since my kids were born, probably like most parents, my worst and darkest fear has always been what would happen if anything similar happened to myself or my Mrs. As horrific as it is, this has made me less worried about it, because I’ve seen how people can pull together, and I’ve seen how they can cope. Early days of course, but the future is not as bleak as it looked 48 hours ago.

So sorry to hear this

It sounds like your friend and his daughter have a brilliant support network in the form of you and yours. You should take great pride in that. Thinking of you all in this difficult time.

hi dazh, really sorry to read all of this and my condolences to all involved. Very inspiring to hear however that some positive has come out of it , the good side of human nature . All the best

hi dazh, really sorry to read all of this and my condolences to all involved. Very inspiring to hear however that some positive has come out of it , the good side of human nature . All the best

Take of yourself, family and friends.. I am very glad to hear that something positive is coming out of the situation.