Which are meant as a joke but youve heard so many times,asnd are not funny ,just tedious along with the stupid litle laugh they give when you answer.

Whats a Gant Chart? 🙄

What’s a Gantt chart?

“do you hang around a lot…”
“do you like it?”
“not scared of heights then?…”
“good with rope?……..”
and lots more…

Have you got enough computers on your desk?

I work for a large international engineering consultancy. Questions I have been asked by colleagues (real ones, not jokes!):

What day is it?
How do you spell ‘important’?
How do you work out the circumference of a circle?

Nobody on earth seems to be able to walk past someone Valeting a car without making a “joke” of some kind.

“You’ve missed a bit”
“Don’t wash the paint off”
“Can you do my lorry next”
“It’s going to rain later”

Etc

Etc.

It’s not just once in a while, it is literally every day, pretty much all day.

We didn’t know where else to go, so thought Legal might know….

[cue application of common sense]

“How did you get in here?”

“what are you doing with that?”

“why don’t have any trousers on?”

“wait a minute… are those my pants?”

“Why aren’t you out catching murderers and rapists?”

Because nobody has been murdered or raped today you fekin retard.

I work in a management accounts department.

The most irritating come from our parent company in Europe and typically take the form of “we are seeing this number (sent on a screenshot so no chance of seeing any workings behind it), you are showing a different number – can you please explain the difference?”

Answer (I would like to give) “so you are saying explain the difference between two numbers, one of which I cannot possibly know how it is derived – why don’t you do the explaining”.

The best example of this was when our FD spent a while trying to sort one of these problems (credit to him for trying) and then handed it on to me. I had a look at it for a few minutes then noticed that all the differences were exactly the same % of the number they shoudl have been. They were looking at a figure they had converted into Euros agains the same figure from us in sterling.

That was twenty minutes of my life I won’t get back……………..

“Why aren’t you out catching murderers and rapists?”

Because nobody has been murdered or raped today you fekin retard

Are cases closed at the end of each day then?

Do you have to buy all your own tools then,

If i buy all the materials, will the job be cheaper, and will you go to 4 differrent places and pick them up for me on your way here.

Told one lady customer i was time served, a few minutes latter a meat head walked in and said which prison did you serve at, he was quite chuffed i had done 4 years, (an apprenticeship) where he only got 3 for assault and aggravated vehicle taking, he didnt unnderstand apprenticeship.

I once got a reply to an email detailing the location and password to a particular set of files that genuinely said

“thanks, are these files password protected?”

Wasn’t quite sure how to respond without sounding patronising or condescending!

The most irritating come from our parent company in Europe and typically take the form of “we are seeing this number (sent on a screenshot so no chance of seeing any workings behind it), you are showing a different number – can you please explain the difference?”

Yep, seen loads of these though the best was:

“We need the new report to say exactly the same as the old report”. I inherited the project after the team had spent weeks trying to reconcile the numbers and failed. Five minutes with the report (which I found came from Excel…) and I had the answer. In cell xx it said +137.

And, “why do we need to test the updates, the supplier said it was all fine…”

“Can’t you bend the light round the corner?”
“Are you a terrorist?”
“Can’t you just screw something to the dinosaur?”

…and many, many more…

Called to a breakdown, before even talking to the operators to find out what is occurring, before looking around the broken down machine to ascertain the problem and the extent of any damage…

“How long will we be down” – every **** time!

And of course, the perennial favourite when faced with a slightly precarious job, “you will be careful won’t you?” – actually I thought I might jump off for fun for a change…

My brother used to work in reprographics and there would alway be a flurry of last minute jobs coming in at 16.55 needed for ‘first thing tomorrow’ from clients who couldn’t really articulate what they wanted when it came to scale.

One night he had an architect come in with a disk of drawings with the instruction “can you reduce these by 300%” – no amount of querying could ascertain what he meant – he was certain he didn’t what it 3 times larger, even though that was sort of what he was asking for, and not one third the size, and not one three hundredth of the size (because ‘that would be ridiculous’) and the conversation was going round in circles until the boss joined in, siding with the client ‘for god’s sake just reduce it by 300% its not that difficult’

thegreatape – Member 
“Why aren’t you out catching murderers and rapists?”

Because nobody has been murdered or raped today you fekin retard.

you missed

“You do realise I pay your wages don’t you?”

And

“have you any idea who I am?”

And

“what school did you go to?” (usually followed by a veiled threat to find out where you live and petrol bomb your house)

Pretty much exactly the same as HammyUK…

30 seconds after walking in the door; “how long will it take to fix?”

“It’s really racking up delays, can you not fix it faster?”

Customer “You took far too long to get here”
Me “Well effing teleport me across London next time you pompous git”

After a long explanation of radio skip, meteorology and physics got asked what I could do to stop it happening. Client got upset when told “I canne change the laws of physics”

Whilst working at a clearly labelled, well signed Tea Kiosk on the seafront, a part time job I had in my school days: “Do you do tea”

Q-“What do you actually do?”

A-“Everything that just happens”.

Inventory/Waste Management blah

Is it on fire?

Are cases closed at the end of each day then?

All mine are

‘What the **** is this shite supposed to be?’ (prisoner asking me what the food on his tray is. The food I DIDN’T make)

‘Why haven’t I been paid?’ (prisoner asking me why he hasn’t been paid. When I’m not even responsible for paying him, his workplace is)

‘Where’s the letter my missus sent me last week?’ (gets crystal ball out for that one)

The list is endless.

thegreatape – Member “Why aren’t you out catching murderers and rapists?”Because nobody has been murdered or raped today you fekin retard.

you missed”You do realise I pay your wages don’t you?”And”have you any idea who I am?”And”what school did you go to?” (usually followed by a veiled threat to find out where you live and petrol bomb your house)

Can I add….

My mates a copper. Not round here; in Scotland. His name’s John. I can’t remember his surname, but he’s quite tall.
Do you know him?

And

She’s pregnant, can she pee in your hat?

Work on a Hospital ward.

“Is this my medication” No mate i just thought i’d give you these tablets for the hell of it.

“Can you not stop the buzzers going off” Well i could mute them, but then their are 29 other patients who also need assistance, not just you.

“How do you not feel sick when wiping up someones bodily fluids” Its my job, and to be honest after a while you kind of switch off and ignore the smell. Plus i wouldn’t want to be in this situation, so i wanna get you cleaned up quickly so your not.

“Will you sign this petition for the Stop Hinkley campaign?”

To be fair, the old dear wasn’t to know I worked on the project. She could have had a better reason than “because I just don’t like the idea of nuclear” when I asked her why though.

“I’d like something with ‘ooomph!'”

“What exactly is ‘ooomph’?”

“You know – pizzazz! Ooomph! But different to everything else.”

*sigh*

What’s a Gantt chart ?? 🙄
What’s a pedant ?? 🙄

A gnat chart is a document for comparing gnats against a standardised gnat scale.
A pedant is a red ant spelled incorrectly.

“Don’t you use dollars in England?”

“Is the 6 month gilt rate an appropriate discount rate for deferred tax?”

“I thought you were tree fellers, why are there only two of you?”
I’ve become quite adept at a dead pan “No, sorry it’s just me and him”, pretending I hadn’t noticed their original quip.

can you read?

Can you actually use a laptop?

Oh you work there?

1- do you get a company car?
2- do you know xyz? (One of potentially 11,999 other people at our place

When I step back to use the toilet, at least one of the passengers always asks “who’s flying the plane mate?”

Without fail. For the last 15 years.

What do human eyes taste like!!!

Not asked of me but of a colleague whilst she was examining patients eyes.

Mate of mine,holidaying down south with his wife and family. He’s a hippy looking type with long hair and a full beard. Young ‘alternative’ type with a clipboard sees him and her eyes light up, accosts him and asks..

girl: “will you sign this petition against the building of a new nuclear power plant?”
mate : “i don’t think that would be a good idea”
girl : “why not?”
mate : “because i work at Sellafield”
girl : “what’s that?”
mate : “????????”

What’s wrong with it?
Don’t know yet
How much longer will you be?
How the **** should I know?