The other day I was woken by what sounded like someone squeezing the last remnants of ketchup out of a bottle, turned out it was the cat squeezing out a runny shit in my bedroom.

So what strange things have woken you up?

I woke up with 6 cats trying to suffocate me once, after crashing at a friend’s place. Booted them all out of the bedroom eventually but they had the last laugh as they’d pissed on my clothes 🙂 Cats eh.

really loud banging downstairs, went down to explore expecting to find a norty rascal off his face trying to break in

took me a while to find that … “something” had got in through the catflap (that we don’t use) and got locked in (one of the kids must’ve moved the 2-way lock to “in only”)

Found the catflap door about 10 feet out into the garden 😯

The GF?

Next door. Next door have woken me up with lots of things over the years.

Lets see now.

1. She apparently came back from a night on the lash and woke up about 3 with a hangover. She screamed like he was killing her. I went round after a while but no reply. We found out the next day from her husband what had happened.

2. She came back from a night on the lash and had no key. So rather than go to a friends or ask if she could come into ours, she tried to break in….by throwing some ladders at the back windows….repeatedly. Someone called the police eventually.

3. He came back from a night on the lash and decided that 2am on a Sunday morning would be a good time to fire up his trials bike and rev it in the garage for long time. After about twenty minutes I went round to find him sat on the bike with a tin of beer in his hand in his garage. The ensuing argument ended with him turning the bike off and some fairly clear pointers on what would happen if he started it up again.

4. This is my favourite. She got up about 7am (I was on a holiday) and turned the music up SHIT loud while getting ready for work. This woke me up so in extreme anger I marched round there to have it out with her. She answered the door in a state of semi-dress, angry, with these huge great massive boobs swaying about under a fairly sheer, silk dressing gown which completely distracted me. She got really wound up and was jumping about all over the place. 😉

That evening she came round to apologise. Mad as a bucket of kelp.
She’s left him now and it’s all so very quiet.

Juvenile cockroach entered the right side of my ear …

Like this one.

Had to get a twisser to get it out … 😯

Oh, I do apologise. She’s back.

They’re now having a really loud argument in the street. This is being accompanied by much door slamming and swearing. Now they’ve set an alarm off. She really is completely mental.

You’ll notice this is almost 2am. OK, they’re both in the house now….. I can hear banging and stuff going on…. They’re certainly in the bedroom…OH MY GOD THEY’RE HAVING ANGRY SEX…

I can’t wait to move house.

We had neighbours a bit like that ^^^. Before we bought this house, we did a few reccy tours of the area – had a picnic in the field opposite to spy on our would-be neighbours. All seemed quiet.

I honestly reckon the sellers gave the neighbours £20 to bogger off out for the night every time they had a viewing. The next door house was a full on chav-nest. The worst music in the world started at 2pm at high volume and they all sat outside on a minging sofa drinking cheap cider and getting stoned.

I work from home, and work was impossible. Threats were followed by action. Nothing worked. The lad broke into my garage and nicked the two best bikes (couldn’t prove it but I was reliably informed he’d been crowing about it to his mates in the street).

The day the landlord sold the wreckage of the house was a bloody beautiful day. The whole rat’s nest had spent the preceding week burning the plastic coating off stolen copper cabling and the stench and fumes were unbearable.

Lovely neighbours now – work is much easier.

Drinking too much beer last night, woke up at 04:00 busting for a pee

My god you’re stories are awful. Atm we live in a semi and the adjoining house is empty & has been for over a year, absolute bliss. We have a man in the street though who comes out onto the street every morning to hack up half a lung before lighting a fag. You’d think the cough would be a clue for him to stop smoking.

*makes not to not move into semi or terraced house. Let alone a flat.

Was woken up in the early hours a while back. Upstairs windows left open as it was hot, a cat had managed to jump up from another roof and get inside, another cat had followed/had the same idea and they’d surprised each other in the spare room.

So I’m suddenly jolted out of my sleep by the most horrendous screeching and wailing followed by two cats chasing each other around the house. I was up pretty quickly but they had both made a retreat by then.

They stuck to the garden for their face-offs after that 🙂 And we kept the windows shut!

Earthquake… That one we had a few years back (I think) in the UK…
Didn’t know what it was until I saw the news the following morning.

Strange hammering sound at around 4am, followed by my car door opening, got to the window in time to see scrot ripping out the car stereo and legging it. He,d punched the door lock in with a screw driver. Not pleased.

Buncefield

I often get woken up by the dawn chorus outside my window – the birds can be very loud. Also when a car drives down our road at night (which is very unusual) it can wake me.

Joys of a detached house in the country and on a dead end lane…

In the mid 90s the first plane in to Heathrow every morning at about 5:30 was either the last 707 still flying or an early Tristar. It was incredibly loud and would wake me up every day, I used to wonder why they were flying B52s into Heathrow. Allegedly it was bringing in sugar snap peas for the shop formerly owned by Dame Shirley Porter and was another reason to never shop there.

Got given a bread maker, thought it would be nice to wake up to fresh bread on a Sunday morning. What actually happened is that we woke up at 4:00 thinking that a large plane was landing in the street outside. It was the first mix of dough. We were completely ruined that day as every time we dropped off the next cycle would start.

Have woken up to the most peculiar feeling of not being able to move my head after passing out at a party many moons ago. Tried to move..arrrrgghhhh searing pain in left side of head.. turns out 16 ornate earings in one ear and cheap nylon loop carpet do a fantastic velco impression when unconscious on the floor. Trying to get an equally ruined mate to gently cut me out with a carving knife was interesting!

Another party aftermath and woke up with the onset of a banging hangover..heard an odd noise on my sleeping bag and looked down to find my mates bloody huge spider called ziggy comming to see me. Now ziddgy was a big hairy thing and could knock the lid of his little tank and go walk about know n then and as much I though he was quite cool being trapped in a mummy sleeping bag…drunk. ..with a spider heading towards my face was not a happy place to be…managed to jump up and fling him accross to room to land on someone else and then fall over sideways as I was still in my sleeping bag. Rest of the house was woken up by someone screaming about spiders, someone swearing because I had just fallen on them and me giggling like a small child. *some wee may have escaped during the intial spider fright.

I got woken by the sound of someone interfering with a car, I looked out the window and saw two blokes pushing our neighbours car off the drive, I thought it must of been broken and that the garage were collecting it… wrong!

Unfortunately I was one of the strangest things my daughter woke up to one day.

I had a house full and she was home from uni a couple of years back so it was agreed that she would sleep in my bed. She got in earlier than me so went to bed.

I cant remember the specific occasion but I go in very late and was very drunk – so drunk I’d bought a kebab on the way home and even took it upstairs with me (something I had never done before or since!).

So my lovely daughter who was about 22 at the time woke up to some hideous stench of second hand rum and festering kebab – only to find it was coming from her mother . . . .She knows i don’t drink now but I think she worried that was my normal behaviour for a while!

catapulted from deep sleep into wakefulness by a great metallic, banging commotion, thinking thieves were trying to steal my trailer I grabbed a walking stick and flung the window open, expecting to have to go to war. . . Nothing. Back to bed. Smaller, snuffling, dragging sounds from the awning. A badger had got in the awning, on its way out had caught on the handle of my laundry bag and was trying to get out, but my ladder (one with those clangy flat metal pieces that you can make a platform with) was in the way. Hence the racket.
My dog Missy slept right through – she was a Dobermann.

Tazzy – so funny! Hope the spider survived

or, and more scary, one night my dog Sam (a massive lurcher) woke me up by trying to get on the pillow behind my head (! He stood as tall as my hips and weighed over 40kg) he was snorting and flinching exactly like something was hitting his nose. Except there was nothing there. At all. Eliminating the possible (fleas, flies, moths, liquid of some kind, fluff etc), I turned to the improbable, electrical charge? Static? Practical joker outside? Magic? Grabbed my little axe, flung open the door and leapt out. Nothing. Still as the grave. Went back to bed. He did it for a few more minutes then never again. Very strange.

A few years ago a cargo ship caught fire at sea a couple of miles from my house and became a great source of entertainment. I woke up when it exploded during the night. The blast shattered windows in the next village up, yet my sister slept through the entire thing 😕

When working abroad I was woken up one night by my flatmate naked apart from a Santa hat and holding a 3 legged dog he had stolen. That was an odd night.

My wife reading the Yellow Pages…

Full body numbness/ pins and needles after sleeping with only my face and knees in contact with the bathroom floor after a heeeaaaavy night with the wrong mix of chemicals.

Some cracking stories very funny, here is my contribution from yesterday

Fast asleep in bed @ 4am, my beloved possibly soon to be re-homed cat Crystal decided to sink her claw into my big toe. Unsurprisingly I went from deep sleep to wide awake in half a nanosecond & sat bolt upright. Unfortunately I happened to be sleeping on the edge of the bed at the time & duly exited off the bed stage left hitting the back of my head on the bedside table drawer handle on the way to the floor, resulting in 1 x small cut & sore bump to head and 1 x sore @rse from hitting the floor from 3 feet. My wife wondered WTF was going on & found it all rather funny – Lol ……. cats don’t you just lurve them

I dreamt I was a stand-up comedian and told a joke so funny I started to laugh. I laughed so much I woke myself up, still laughing. Great joke, wish I could remember it

This thing is pretty weird and wakes me up by jumping on my head every morning at the moment..

When you think that allegedly this thing squirted out of my genitals, into my girlfriend, who then grew it like a parasitic cyst inside her for nine months, before pooing it out(ish) under extreme duress in the hospital, I reckon it rates pretty high on the weird scale..

Not only that, but when it came out it was a living breathing squawking wriggling being that endeavoured to do everything in it’s power to persuade us to abandon it, but instead we did everything in our power to keep it alive and make it feel welcome..
All things considered it definitely t takes the prize as the weirdest thing to ever wake me up in the morning, and I’ve been woken by some pretty weird things..

An alarming number of these are cat related. Definitely makes a compelling argument for never, ever getting one! 😈

😆 @ yunki!

Once woke to the mothers cat being sat on my chest, it’s face inches from mine, with a ‘I will destroy you and all that you know’ look on it’s face. Scared the …. Out of me

Then there was the time a girlfriend farted in bed so loudly, with a smell that could have come from the deepest bowels of hell, it woke us both up. I was in hysterics, she was close to tears! A dutch oven (mercifully) was not deployed.

Previously the sound of the cat being sick, forcing itself to be sick, or having a hair ball episode, used to be enough to wake me up.

But he then developed violent wind, and now he has now progressed to sometimes following through on that wind 🙁

Still he went out last Monday night and didn’t come back until Friday night at 1.30, waking my wife up with his footsteps up the staircase, after her repeatedly waking up during the week with her imagining said sounds.

So all in all we are glad he is back trumpeting loudly.

wild camping in the lakes, near high street, woken up by a pony trying to get their head into the tent there were a few outside

2 stand out with me.

Staying at my mates we had been having a few drinks etc and had decided we wanted some Cola but didn’t have any so made various mixes of alcoholic substances out of the cupboard, adding a bit at a time till we made something which resembled Cola. At one point, it got too much and I fell asleep leaning against his kitchen door. I managed to crawl into the spare bed and drifted off.

This drinking had obviously hit him harder than me as I’d not had too much as he decided to come into my room screaming that he needed to check that the back street was still there. I jumped up wondering WTF was happening which woke his wife who came in screaming to get into his room.

That didn’t work so he decided to ring his mum – by using the shower up his ear. Wet through now, he went into the bedroom, his wife said to calm down at that point he said ” I’m making a run for it ” ran past her and fell down the stairs.

I just clung to my blanket. He eventually came back into my room just wearing Simpsons boxers then disappeared off. God knows if he went straight to bed or not but he couldn’t remember in the morning.

More recently, I’d fallen asleep on the settee and, about 3 am, got woken by what sounded like someone kicking the fence panels in. I honestly though someone was breaking in so, being a hero, I put my Park workstand up against the back door and called the police 😳

Staying in the kitchen penned in by the workstand with a hammer in my hand, I heard my neighbours voice outside so I went out to the side of the house to find a Police van parked in the middle and a Bed, Sky box, CD rack, wall unit all in the middle of the street.

Turns out the flats next door which are 3 storey, top floor had a domestic and threw everything out the top window 😯

The police wondered what was going on as the main door into the flats was still open and some items had hit my car.

Never found out exactly what happened, but I found half a mug under the bonnet of my car when I topped up the screen wash which had smashed against my windscreen and slid down…..

Lost my mates on the first night of a festival. Found my way back to our tent. Went in, said “is that you Sam?” and went to bed there when I heard an affirmative. Was woken up in the morning by a girl who was definitely not my friend Sam. Turns out she had the same name, and had spent quite some time being spooned by me before deciding to wake me up.

A while back I got woken up one morning by the sound of a disc cutter and blue lights illuminating the whole street. Looked out of the window to see a car embedded in the chinese opposite!! Got dressed and went downstairs and got given a load of prawn crackers by the owner, shame to waste them. It wasn’t until I’d finished the crackers and turned to go back in that I noticed there was another car sitting in my next door neighbour’s lounge too!!

Anyone who falls asleep in our living room is likely to wake up to the wee man. He likes to make sure everyone gets a cuddle(sits on your head).

i woke my neighbours up the other night scaring a fox off with a shotgun they weren’t best pleased 8)

If I have a post Sunday lunch snooze in the garden (summertime) I get woken up by the sound of willow on leather, or cries of ‘Howzat?’

Not me but a mate …..
Bear in mind – middle of nowhere ! 3am Woke up to find 2 scrotes breaking into his wooden garage containing 2 racing (motor)bikes. Managed to wing one with his illegally powerful 22 rifle and grappled the other to the ground. the wing-ee legged it to a tranny parked down the road and made good his departure leaving his mate to face the music.
And what sweet music the scumbag made as he was hog-tied, dumped in the back of Daves van, driven to the canal near Selby and thrown in .
Dave did the decent thing and pulled out a knife to cut the bindings securing just his wrists, leaving his legs tied prior to an early bath, at which point aforementioned miscreant literally shat himself…..

You don’t mess with Dave 8)