Step dads of STW

I have a step dad and quite frankly he is a bit of a ****. I imagine bringing up someone else’s children comes with difficulties that I probably haven’t even considered so I am curious to hear the success (or failure stories) from people in this position.

Do any of your step kids look at you like a father?

I had a stepdad – from age 7 – He was brilliant and I prefer to call him my Dad, rather than the biological matter provider who preceeded him.
My dad , obviously loved my mother and spent time getiing to know me.
I wasn’t easy ,for the first five years or so ,I still had loyalty & love for the biological matter provider. But he was open ,honest and patient. He also had a camper van and liked music festivals.
I’m not sure I would be as great a man as he was , taking on and loving unconditionally , another man’s child.
I have great respect for anyone who does.

Nope. I’ve got step-twins, barrel of laughs that was when I first moved in, they were 17ish and I was 27. I wasn’t interested and they resented me for quite a while.
They’ve grown up (well one has more than the other) and we get on ok (the more grown up one more so). To be honest, there was a lot of growing up on both sides to be done.
I think they realised when I’d been with their mum longer than she was together with her ex (their dad) they sort of realised that, actually I was ok.
A lot of the success / failure to bond depends on the age of the step child and how accepting a step father is of someone else’s kids.

Do any of your step kids look at you like a father?

My daughter does. She was three when I acquired her, now coming up to 15. Her biological father lives abroad, has seen her once in those 12 yrs, sends her an email once every few birthdays, and since about a year ago puts £10 in her bank account each month. It’s not something she ever brings up so I don’t think it bothers her hugely. She doesn’t remember life before I was around, and it’s not like I’ve taken someone else’s position, so I suppose there hasn’t been that potentially disruptive aspect.

Having had two boys since, I’m conscious of the natural bond between a parent and child that forms when they’re a baby. Obviously in this situation that opportunity has passed. That hasn’t been an obstacle for us though.

I guess I just set out with the attitude that kids need to be brought up by people who love them, so that’s what I’ve tried to do. She’s not treated any differently to the boys, other than what you would normally expect with kids of different ages.

The bottom line is I have three lovely children, all of whom are so far happy and well adjusted. That will do me.

I appreciate that as far as gaining a step child goes mine is a relatively straightforward experience, and therefore my contribution isn’t especially valuable. If there has been an overriding principle I’ve tried to follow it’s that kids need to grow up feeling loved and valued, and it’s my job to provide that equally to all three of them.

I watched my best mate struggle with this when we were growing up. His step-dad was one of the soundest blokes you’ll ever meet. Everything you’d want from a father, a real role model, and he treated him like a son.

His biological father as far as I was concerned was an utter ****!! But he persevered with him for years, giving him chance after chance, until one day, after yet another let down, he had a moment of clarity.

He realised that nature and genes will get you so far, after that you need to start delivering on everything else. One of the blokes in his life failed spectacularly to live up to this. One delivered in spades. It wasn’t the one who donated his swimmers.

Guess which one got called dad, until his sad death a couple of years ago, and which one got kicked into touch?

I am on the steep learning curve of potential stepdad-dom.
My partners child is 6 and idolises her pr*ck of a dad. so there lots of daddy this and daddy that directed at me, and all I can do is smile and agree that he must be amazing (biting my lip about the manipulation and down-right messing up of his childs head, according to daddy “mummy and daddy would still be together if granny hadn’t died” cue tears)
but over the last few years I have become a great friend to her. I take her on rides and partake in the climbing of stuff in the park. I encourage her to do the things that her mum may err at. even to the point that the mantra is “but “4130” would let me do it”.
I am always trying to let her know I won’t let her down and to give her praise where due.
but I am also the strict one. when she ignores her mum or plays up i’ll point it out and do it directly. she says to her mum “why does he shout at me a lot” which makes me feel bad or that i’m ill tempered but it’s amazing the amount of times she takes things on board.
it may sound like two extremes but that’s what stands out, not the small stuff.
it’s all a big gamble as I know that what I do has a long lasting affect but I can only hope it’s the right way to do thing, and is in line with who I am.
I can only imagine that I am missing out on the “true” parental bond but what I do have with her is an honest and open friendship that I can only hope grows.
so in answer to you OP I’m hoping that any failure will be outweighed by the successes no matter how small they may be.
and to date there have been times when I’ve been looked up to like the best dad in the world, and others some kind of devil

http://singletrackworld.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/wayback-when-man-boy/

My step-dad was a bit of failure.. He didn’t really like kids very much, so he spent 18 hours a day keeping himself busy at work or in his shed, pausing only to rant at us a bit occasionally or try and impose some military style rules..
He’s mellowed a bit in his old age though..

My stepson has had a crap dad, followed by a very crap stepdad.. and then I came along, so he looks at me like a mate.. cos I’m not a judgemental prick 🙂

Thanks Nemesis, that was a great read

I have three step-children. Their dad is a see you next Tuesday of the highest order. A slow and painful death would be to good for him. Him aside, it is without a doubt the hardest and most challenging responsibility I’ve assumed thus far in my life.

No matter the stress their father puts on our relationship, I wouldn’t change that choice.

4130s0ul – Member
I am on the steep learning curve of potential stepdad-dom.
My partners child is 6 and idolises her pr*ck of a dad. so there lots of daddy this and daddy that directed at me, and all I can do is smile and agree that he must be amazing (biting my lip about the manipulation and down-right messing up of his childs head, according to daddy “mummy and daddy would still be together if granny hadn’t died” cue tears)
but over the last few years I have become a great friend to her. I take her on rides and partake in the climbing of stuff in the park. I encourage her to do the things that her mum may err at. even to the point that the mantra is “but “4130” would let me do it”.
I am always trying to let her know I won’t let her down and to give her praise where due.
but I am also the strict one. when she ignores her mum or plays up i’ll point it out and do it directly. she says to her mum “why does he shout at me a lot” which makes me feel bad or that i’m ill tempered but it’s amazing the amount of times she takes things on board.
it may sound like two extremes but that’s what stands out, not the small stuff.
it’s all a big gamble as I know that what I do has a long lasting affect but I can only hope it’s the right way to do thing, and is in line with who I am.
I can only imagine that I am missing out on the “true” parental bond but what I do have with her is an honest and open friendship that I can only hope grows.
so in answer to you OP I’m hoping that any failure will be outweighed by the successes no matter how small they may be.
and to date there have been times when I’ve been looked up to like the best dad in the world, and others some kind of devil

I’m also at the front end of the trail…

I try to keep completely neutral when discussing her weekends with Daddy and like you also seem to be the strict one!
I think it must be a normal reaction of mothers following a separation to become soft as they see any behavioural issues as being their fault.

It’s been 18 months since I met the Little Un (although at 9 not really so little!) and the relationship with Dad has gone through a number of phases during that time – from downright freaky roadtrips to sit outside my house at 10pm and telling her what he was going to do to me, to almost normality.

There is still a short period after a Daddy weekend where she seems to feel torn or guilty maybe, but thankfully these moments seem to be getting shorter.

Who knows what the future holds, but I can only hope I end up more towards Binners mate than PiknMix end of the scale!

All you can do is treat them right. In the long run they’ll come to realise who’s decent and who’s a dick. If it turns out that both are decent blokes so much the better.

My youngest son does – he’s not mine biologically but I’ve been his Dad since he was 3 and he has never met his sperm donor father (who started hitting his mum when she was pregnant with him). He’s now 18.
My two elder sons think of him as a brother, despite their Mum trying to put a wedge in their relationship.

the greatape + 1
The key thing, as my elder 2 lived with their Mum, is the “different houses, different rules” perspective.

Lerk, I wish you all the best of luck in your endeavours and a life of happiness to you and your family.

I can understand why Mrs4130 is soft on her some of the time, neither of them have gone through an easy time of it and sometimes it’s easier just to let it go rather than face yet another tantrum or spending hours trying to get her to eat dinner etc.
but when the littlun oversteps the mark I will point it out to her quite frankly and honestly, as I would any friend (minus swearing etc, she’s 6!)
but I try and be open with her as to why I do this as I don’t feel I have the right o tell her what to do as I am not her father (too soon for that)

and yes I get the post daddy blues too. and I can understand why she would get upset, it’s just a pain when you know he has deliberately wound her up or said something malicious.
I just can’t understand why he can’t see how much he is messing with her head.

Yes, my Lad was 4 when I started ‘seeing’ his Mum, we took things slowly but a few years later Him, his Mum and I agreed I could be ‘Dad’.

His biological father has never been interested in him, we had some crossed words with this parents early on, but really the only thing he cared about was the CSA. I told him to keep his £40 a month and we’ll say no more about it – that was the last we heard from him, his parents still send a Xmas Card and Birthday card every year insisting on using their surname as his (despite him never using it) and barely vailed digs at us. When we first started out I was quite keen he kept in contact with them, but they turned on me very quickly the moment the ‘Dad’ word got used and they turned very nasty using our Lad as a pawn.

He’ll be 10 next week, one of my only regrets was that when he was little he just didn’t have a Dad – one of those things, so I was first in line for the job, as he got older and understood about the birds and the bees a bit more he worked out that Dad’s don’t just appear just after your 4th birthday so we had to have another talk – he was okay with it, but I felt I’d betrayed him a bit.

We’ve got another Kid now, a little Girl, I was really worried I might love her more because she was ‘mine’ but it’s not been the case, I fuss her more, but it’s because she’s a Baby and the lad wants to play minecraft.

On the other hand I had a terrible time with my Step Dad, different situation, I was a teenager and mostly very angry, plus I have 2 brothers so he took a lot on at once – looking back now with adult eyes it’s pretty clear to me that he took a lot of the blame for my Mums actions, whenever she did something unfair to me she always blamed him – for example kicking me out at 16, not because I was some terrible teenager, but because they’d rather have the space – I spent a few years bouncing between home and my grandparents place before I finally managed to get my own place at 19 – it was honestly the worst time of my entire life and it took my 10 years to get my self-confidence back, being told at such a young age how terrible you are, without any reasoning really screwed my head up. I’ll never put my kids through that.

I’ve only been in this situation for 9 months and both boys were very young when I arrived on the scene (now 2 and 4).
I’m maybe a little sterner than mum but they don’t seem to hold that against me as they get lots of praise when anything goes right.
Bio dad is a complete oxygen thief, his talents end at playing an instrument to internationally respected level, and no further.
I just can’t wait until the next visit which I’ll be doing solo and he will have his mother there – yay!
I’ve been very lucky that both boys have accepted me as wholeheartedly as they have, all I hear as advice is persevere and be yourself, good luck.

but they turned on me very quickly the moment the ‘Dad’ word got used and they turned very nasty using our Lad as a pawn.

They probably say the same about you [ no one else was dad before you] and remember their son is the dad and he has their name till you came along

They have to blame someone and in this case it was you and now they dont see their grand kid which is a shame

I have two a step-daughter now 21 and a step-son of 18. They were 11 and 14 when their Mum left their Dad. She left him for me, the marriage was awful and created a bad environment to be brought up in, but it was a big shock in their lives. This happened nearly 8 years ago and we took things slowly, moving in together 4 years ago and getting married 3 years ago.
I now get on well with them both. Step-son has always been quite relaxed about me, but step-daughter was initially very hostile. It came out in her behaviour being thoroughly obnoxious to her Mother, but we had a bit of a breakthrough after I had given her a right rollicking for treating her Mum badly (this was only after we were all living together). She sulked for a day, then came and apologised to me and her Mum and it was a watershed in our relationship.
Their Dad has been a right tool, he barely speaks to his daughter, and when he does it’s invariably criticism, and even his son, with whom he at least has some sort of a relationship spends a minimal amount of time with him. It was pretty bad, but he has recently got re-married and his new wife seems to be engineering them out of his life completely, it’s very sad to see kids growing to dislike their own Dad.
Conversely I have a very good relationship with my ex, after a couple of years of severe frostiness. My ex and I have a daughter and she happily spends time with both of us, my daughter and ex came to my wife’s birthday bash this month, and last weekend we all went together to see daughter sing in a concert. My ex has had a few boyfriends but nothing lasting and no-one on the scene at the moment. My daughter thinks it’s great having two happy homes rather than one miserable one, and that me, my wife and my ex all get along so well.
So one story of success (me and my step-kids), one disaster (my step-kids and their Dad and new step-mum). Success was based on trying to be scrupulously fair and reasonable, and huge doses of patience and forbearance, it wasn’t always easy and I was not always successful in being fair, patient etc. but we’ve come to a good place now.

Some great and very honest replies here, thank you. I need to change some big things in my life, my relationship with my step dad is definitely one of them.

I grew up with a step dad. I know I was horrible to him at times(as emotionally mixed up step kids can be) but he never wavered in his support for me. As an adult with kids of my own I’m totally humbled to think how he treated me when i was a b****** to him. I hope I can treat my kids the way he treated me….

My stepkids are 17 and 21 (mine are grown up). They see their father regular and regard him as a likable and manageable speccy tool. They don’t call me Dad but they see how happy their Mum is (we’ve never had a row in 8yrs). We have two (small) houses next door to each other so that allows for slightly different lifestyles. Lots of laughter and fun can be a good distractor, whatever their age.

21 yr old is at medical school and an impressive but weedy (sic) academic. I just wish I could feel comfortable asking him to come down to the allotment for a bit of a workout on the fork and barrow. That was not part of his upbringing.

taking on and loving unconditionally , another man’s child. I have great respect for anyone who does.

+1.

These threads always put a lump in my throat. I salute those of you who have made great step-dads (And Step-mums.). I have two friends In particular who talk about “their boys”, in both cases I only realised years later these were not their biological sons. They however were the boys ‘Dads’. The ones who picked them up and cleaned the scraped knees, taught them to ride bikes, cheered them on from the sidelines and gave them love. Takes more of a man to do that than just be around at the point of conception IMHO.

I don’t think I was particularly nice to my step dad at times, but he was constantly evil towards us, it always felt that once he had won my mums heart, it didn’t matter how he treated my sister and I.
It’s so nice to hear the more positive stories. I’m not giving up on bettering the relationship I have with mine, he just doesn’t make it very easy.

Stepfather to two here.
In their 20’s when I first met their mum.

The younger one basically interviewed me.
🙂
The older one just gave me a hug and welcomed me to the family.

They still see their dad, we all get on well to the extent that he brought his family to our wedding.

I’m just another ‘Grandad’ to their kids, which is lovely.

We’ve had our moments, but they are decent,strong, independent women like their mother and it’s a pleasure to be part of their lives.

on the flipside,

i have a 4 year old from a work fling, I’ve picked him up every week, he’s been welcomed into my family, i still work with his mother, we have a good relationship, etc etc

however, she’s recently met someone and gotten quickly married, knocked on the door last week to hear him call someone else daddy, I’ve never been an absent father,

mothers eh, some proper **** out there

however, she’s recently met someone and gotten quickly married, knocked on the door last week to hear him call someone else daddy, I’ve never been an absent father,

Can’t imagine what that must be like… So tough. Take care dude.

however, she’s recently met someone and gotten quickly married, knocked on the door last week to hear him call someone else daddy, I’ve never been an absent father

So sorry to hear that.

I became a step dad, although the first few years were a bit treading carefully. For her, being 6 yrs old, I was the thing that was stopping her mum and dad being together again ( they were divorcing before I met her). She would always shun me and almost avoid me. Took time to make her realise I was actually there for not just her mum, but that she was a part of the deal too. She’s now 22 yrs old, just got her degree, doesn’t see her father any more. Her mum and me have been married for 15years and we have a 12 yr old lad. My daughter ( yes, she’s my daughter ) have a great friendship and she decided to change her surname to make a family unit at 15 yrs old and proud her at her graduation to say she couldn’t have done it , without us, being mum and ‘dad’……..Happy ( very happy) days 😀

step dad to two, officially for the last 5yrs, been with their mother for 15, since they were 5&6. Alcoholic father is around/disinterested

I have nothing positive to say.
Even thinking about what i might say, particularly to those about to head down the same path, has me thinking i should:

a. get out
b. seek professional help

Is that because of the stepkids or your partner? Or a combination?

Junkyard – lazarus

but they turned on me very quickly the moment the ‘Dad’ word got used and they turned very nasty using our Lad as a pawn.

They probably say the same about you [ no one else was dad before you] and remember their son is the dad and he has their name till you came along

They have to blame someone and in this case it was you and now they dont see their grand kid which is a shame

I know this is yesterdays news now but still…

Yes they very probably hate me, I tried very, very hard to be fair to all sides – but my Son deserves a Dad, I grew up without one for a long time and I didn’t want that for him – if their Son wanted to be a Dad I wouldn’t have stood in his way, I refuse to make my Son suffer because of anyone’s petty arguments, but he didn’t want it, went so far as to say “prove he’s mine” on more than one occasion – if they could have been pragmatic about it, they could still be in his life – they’re not really bad people, but they refused, made him very upset, but more than that used him to try to win petty arguments – I refuse to have him suffer so that’s it – My Son knows who they are, he knows the connection, he doesn’t want to see them – neither I nor his Mum has steered him at all, we’ve tried to present facts without opinion or prejudice and 5 years later we’ve made a family – it’s not perfect, no ones family is and we face the same problems all parents face – but we make it work and it works well.

It is a shame they don’t see him, but it’s the least worst solution.

My step dad was really hard work for the first few years( a combination of personality and messy baby boomer 1980s relationships), very different personality from my Dad. We did grow very close and I could really trust whimper sound advise and help, annoyingly they divorced 25 years later. I actually found that quite upsetting, even though I am an adult with children of my own. I still see him, but not so often and the lovely family home they kept is gone.

Legal guardian of my 8 year niece. Her mum (my sister) & her biological dad both alcohol/crack fiends. She calls me dad & the wife mum it’s been hard to say the least not only because it involves my family who TBH aren’t the most ‘functional’. Her M&D have no contact as the court order doesn’t stipulate we have to facilitate any on account of the violence & danger they both exposed her to (gangsters tried to kill her dad) & neither of them can get their shit together anyway.
The biggest issue has been emotional connection as it’s relatively easy to do the right thing but that doesn’t automatically translate into having genuine feelings for somebody especially as zero contact with my sister for nearly 20 yrs & never met the father.

It is a shame they don’t see him, but it’s the least worst solution.

Cheers for the reply I was not meant to sound like I was judging just stating a view

Its never easy in these situations for all concerned.

My stepdad drives a red Citroen Picasso.

Was an only child till the age of 12 when step dad was around more due to the arrival of little brother.
was great up till that point, did loads, etc.
After – he changed massively. Add another 2 yrs and a sister made it untenable.
He was abusive to me, my mum.
Physically abusive at times – although never leaving obvious marks.
An alcoholic who thought my mum was his personal punchbag.
It finally stopped one night when being home on leave I heard the “slap” that was the last one he ever landed.
Housing association houses tend to have cardboard doors and paper walls. I broke both that night when I took him off his feet – I wasn’t the skinny little kid that ran 100/200 for school anymore (which had protected my arse on more than one occasion being quick). 6 yrs of the gym and 2 yrs of RAF Reg had added a “bit of size” to my frame.
Fast forward to now and my two are the most important thing in my life.
We agreed to split to stop any bad feeling, any abuse, etc.
They have parents that are good friends.
They have two loving homes.
Yea – there are different rules but only down to the differences between us.
We discuss them all the time – so punishments carry weight both sides, etc.
They are great young adults and there is no way either I or my ex will allow what I went through to affect them. My ex was the opposite with a perfect loving home and parents that are great people.

On the flip side of that I have friends who are step-parents.
They’ve had the nasty parent/grand parent.
They’ve also had the great parents, shared holidays, parties, etc.

The main thing I’ve learned is to at all times put the child first and TALK.
Everyone is different.

This is my second relationship as a step father. I first met Kirsty’s mum in 2001, she was 7, her Mum mid 30’s and I was in my mid 20’s. It was hard, building two completely different relationships at the same time but oh so worth it. Found t really tough at first, I had a brutal childhood, Her mum was essentially a hippy! I was always conscious that I wasn’t her father, and I’ve never wished for anything more than that in my life.

Her dad was ok, lived 5 doors down for several years after her moved out and was always there for her as much as he could be. I never begrudged his time with her, we were all pretty mature about the whole thing. Sometimes people don’t get on. Absent fathers normally try to be the ‘fun uncle’ rather than the father figure that children need, it’s pretty obvious who the kids would want to spend time with until they realise that it’s not all fun and games – you need to have some structure and discipline too. That’s where the big bad stepdads come in…

I split from her mum 2 years ago, I still see her daughter regularly, still refer to her as my step daughter and am supporting her through university. I still see her mum too, she got to keep the lurchers which I visit when I can.

My current girlfriend has a four year old. She’s ‘mum’ clingy and it’s taken me a while to build a relationship but we’re finally getting there. It’s hard, again building two relationships at the same time, made even harder as I’m naffing of the Singapore for a year or so. We’ll see how this one pans out…

Absent fathers normally try to be the ‘fun uncle’ rather than the father figure that children need,

If you spent limited time with your child what would you do ? Spend it having fun or make them tidy their room and do homework?
The lack of time makes this the case which is not always/rarely the fathers choice

I’d try to keep some structure in their routine, homework, regular bedtime, regular meal times, bathing, not bringing them back covered in temporary tattoos the night before school – They’re not allowed them at school, he knows this and does it out of spite. Hattie was in tears after getting in trouble but KH didn’t care. He was asked not to do it again, but he did, bought her back late on a Sunday evening, and she got in trouble again.

I’ve been a stepdad twice, been the ‘fun uncle’ and the disciplinarian, it’s bloody hard work but if you have the child’s interests, health and wellbeing at heart you do it.

These are my personal experiences, YMMV.

I am a step dad (I prefer dad) to my eldest. She was 18months or so when I met her mum. She calls me dad, wanted me to do the speach at her wedding and has given me two fantastic grandchildren. I see no difference between her and my two other ‘biological’ children.

I hate the term ‘step’. A colleague once said ‘she is only your step daughter’ – I corrected them and said NO SHE IS MY DAUGHTER.