Brack .. really feel for you mate , know exactly what your goin through .. Hadnt really got on with my dad for 15+ years , but last year he was admitted to hospital with bowel cancer and the 8 weeks he was in hospital , i spent as much time with him as i could and we talked , which is something we had never done before, we managed to build a few bridges and patch things up , just before he died ….
Thing is , he died exactly 1 year ago today !! .. 7.31pm to be precise ..
I know it may be hard , but you really need to sort things out, even if its just for your own peace of mind …
Hope you sort it and good luck

What the hell is all the "Kramer" bashing about?

I've read his post and I'm sure he said "sometimes" parents are a waste of space.

This is a highly emotive thread, where posters have had the courage to bare their innermost thoughts and feelings.

C_G…I'm well aware of your Dad's situation, but how it relates to Kramer's is beyond me. Maybe you are very fortunate to have had a healthy relationship with your father all your life. Many are not so lucky.

It didn't exactly thrill me to nurse my Dad in his last few weeks, but it hasn't blinded me to his faults.

Foxy – We should try and understand rather than just accepting that is how they are. I just feel that we don't always communicate, similar to the older generation who would not communicate at all. Stiff upper lip and all that. Surely we should have moved on from that?

I have many faults as a parent, perhaps I am lucky that I have had a reasonable relationship with my parents, mostly. Perhaps I am getting more tolerant as I get older?

I'm sorry, but I'm just not into all this "stiff-upper-lip-they-had-it-hard-didn't-know-how-to-communicate-life-was-tough" bollox!

Just cos you are old doesn't make you right.(not you C_G!!)

Are you seriously trying to tell me that 30 yrs ago parents were any different emotionally than today?

The way we are treated as a child can leave us emotionally crippled as an adult. Why the hell should these grown up children "understand"?

As I said, this is a very emotive thread, and judgements just do not help.

Just one thing in summary about all this – forgiveness. That's all you need. Forgiveness to your family, forgiveness to your friends, forgiveness to your wife/girlfriend. Can be easier said than done, but man its what we all need. Yeah, I had a bad childhood, you might say and my dad was pretty bad. I've forgiven him now and he's asked forgiveness for the bad he's done to us all. It's the case that we're raised by damaged parents who were damaged themselves by their parents. Even the best parents mess up. I'm 29 now and my dad's just turned 60 last August, so even though we're about 260 miles apart, I need to keep our relationship going – even if it's just a phone call once a week on a Sunday afternoon. There once was a time when I hated my dad – like wouldn't care if he were dead. I even changed my surname, because I didn't want to even be associated with him. Takes 5 minutes to have a chat, but mends broken relationships. He's got high blood pressure, so could be his last day any time now. Don't regret 'not getting round to it'. Do it as soon as possible. Bad stuff happens – people get pregnant, kids disobey parents, but everyone just wants to be loved and unconditional love is the best kind. Love your kids/parents/wife/girlfriend and tell them that. You don't have to like everything they do, but just love them. That will build bridges, not barriers. The worst thing is to put a barrier up between two people. Build a bridge by being kind, gentle, patient, slow to anger and rich in love. Hope this helps some of you guys. It's taken me years to get to this place and it's God that gives me the strength to stay here. We can't do it on our own strength. Some of you will not share my beliefs, but seriously following Jesus' example of how he loved the world, to even be willing to die on the cross showed what he thought of mending our broken relationship with Him. Ask for strength and have faith – believe he can help you, like he helped me to love my 'unlovable' dad.

Edit…deleted…don't want to seem judgemental!!! 8)

wooooh….. DanG

bit left field. if that's what you need to get you thinking straight, fair enough. you've bigger balls than most on this thread for posting that shit on here though.

FC,

I'm sorry I have upset you (how things change), but really, do you think parenting is the same in this day & age? What with the majority of women having to work full or part time to make ends meet?

As for the God squad message, I'm happy he has his beliefs, I have mine to, though they may not be related to religion.

Oh. I guess it's just so second nature for me now. You see, I've been a Christian for about nine years now. Jesus was the greatest example of forgiveness I have even known. He even forgave the very people that crucified him. I mean, an innocent man being falsely accused and convicted, then forgiving the accusers. Can't say my forgiveness stretches that far. I realise to many it might be a bit heavy, but that's where I get my strength from. Any other strength wears out over time.
Where abouts did I lose you, FoxyChick?

Dan, leave it out. don't let this (positive) thread descend into a (negative?) god/religion bashing thread. if you want to tell all of gods children why you love their creator so much do it over there ——–>

DanG,

If you don't mind me saying, I think the bible bashing can wait, not that I think you are wrong, I just think there may be a better time & place.

Have a great evening.

TON:
Your son needs to know if the child is his, regardless of how soft others may be on this site.
Only then can he plan the future.
Girls so oft choose the pregnancy, two have gone this same route in this street, both aged 18yrs old in the last 5 months and said road is all of 100m in length.
It’s torn one family apart, (the other’s chffed she’ll be getting a council place) but as an outsider, it was 100% predictable to me and many others in both these cases.
One wants a flat paid for by the tax paying public, the other just wanted a child – period.
No disrespect, but any bloke will suffice – and that’s why your son needs to establish if he’s actually the father.
If he thinks by sleeping on the sofa of a girlfriend of only a few months standing & looking after the mother and baby is the right thing to do at this time, it’s both naive and also commendable in equal measure & doing what many would consider the right thing is all & good but what if it’s a cuckoo?
I’m afraid this present will route will ultimately prove to be his downfall. He absolutely must insist on a DNA test.
He needs to be brutally hard-nosed and realistic about this. He’ll pay the CSA a huge amount of £ over the next 16-23 years (about 25% of his earnings) if he chooses not to have a parental DNA check.

2unfit2ride, unfortunately I'm not 'one in a million', people who abuse their family are far too common, and across all walks of life.

I used to think that forgiving was the answer, but for me it's not, and it's not for many other people either.

cinnamon_girl – understanding where abuse comes from doesn't make it acceptable.

I'm 36 now, and I've not spoken to my father since January 1st 2000………I guess what I'm trying to say, is sometimes fathers aren't worth knowing, they're just a waste of space.

You should contact him. It's almost ten years now, and although you can't be sure how things will turn out, one thing that you can be sure of, is that it is extremely unlikely that things will be as they were ten years ago.

I'm not saying that you should contact him as an act of charity for his sake, but for your sake. Time to bury the anger and resentment, there's enough shit in life without burdening yourself with unnecessary extra luggage.

10 years is a very long time to be angry with someone, and you are clearly still very angry. It is now a pointless emotion which serves no further purpose, and it will continue to weigh you down providing an obstacle to your own happiness and contentment.

You will discover how liberating forgiveness can be for you as you purge your mind of anger and resentment, allowing you to concentrate on the real crap which life invariably throws at us, and which really matters.

As I said, you can't exactly be sure how things will turn out, but after ten years things will be different, especially if you are determined that they should stay different. And even if he is still angry with you after all these years, it will still have been worthwhile. Because if you manage to forgive you will be free of your anger, despite him being still trapped in his.

You, and you alone, are responsible for your own anger, feelings, and emotions – not him.
Nor anyone else for that matter. And yes, I've been there.

imho

TI29er . more diplomaticly said this time,as for the DNA test, go get one to the lad,otherwise youll always have that doubt its not your son, and to his dad the child support agency will take a big chunk of the money you pay your son in a wage to subsidise the childs upbringing.

They may well love each other as we all did at 17 with our first partner/sexual activity,but not all of us had a chjild to support as welll, with 2 sets of parents,at loggerheads with each other, and 2 kids with 1 baby in the middle,all with the CSA, awaiting in the wings.

Sorry ernie_lynch, but that really is cod-psychology, and not particularly good or useful advice.