I’ve had such a bad morning.

First I got into fight with a guy dressed as Shakespeare, then I almost choked on a German sausage.

It’s gone from bard to wurst…

It’s the day after bonfire night.
Johnny and Billy are discussing the night before in science class, including catching a cat…
“We rammed a banger up it’s arse” said Johnny.
The teacher intervened “Rectum Johnny, Rectum”.
“Rectum sir? More like blew it to pieces sir….”

Dyslexics are getting very worried about October 27th, they’ve read their cocks will turn black.

What’s brown and rhymes with ‘snoop’?
.
Dr Dre.

A duck walks in to a pub and asks the barman for a pint.

“Blimey!” says the barman. “A talking duck!”

“Yeah? So what?” replies the duck. “I can walk, fly, swim, talk, read…. I’m even a qualified plasterer. How about that pint?”

So the duck goes and sits down with his newspaper and his pint. A few minutes later the door opens and in walks a circus ringmaster.

“Hey!” says the barman. “You ought to go and talk to that duck, he’s clever! He could come and work at your circus!”

The ringmaster goes over and chats with the duck: “How about coming and working for me?” he asks.

“Okay” replies the duck, “I’m always interested in the next job…. but a circus you say? Isn’t that a big tent with poles and hole in the roof and canvas walls?”

“Yes” replies the ringmaster.

“Well why the f*** would you be needing a plasterer?”

I just finished building a car using a motor from a washing machine.
I’m going to take it for a spin later….

The wife had some success with HRT, so I thought I’d try the male equivalent.

I asked my doctor to write me out a prescription for ‘something that will put hairs on my chest”.

I came back from the chemists with a gorilla costume!

My girlfriend tried to force me to have sex with her over the bonnet of her Honda Civic but I refused point blank.
I’ll do it on my own accord.

Walk past the pet shop the other day. They had a sale on. The budgies were going cheap.

I’ve just been past that pet shop and they are now selling lions.

They’re doing a roaring trade.

I’ve just been past that pet shop and they are now selling lions.

They’re doing a roaring trade.

I went into that pet shop and asked to buy a dead wasp.

“I’m sorry sir, we only sell live animals here”

“…But you’ve got one in the window”

I don’t half like my neighbour’s house
It’s right up my street

ALABAMA NEWS : Today a man murdered his wife, his sister and his cousin – the victim is currently awaiting formal identification.

That waitress gave me a lovely semillon.

I’ve heard that 10CC are doing a tour of the West Highlands of Scotland & doing some fishing between gigs.
Theyr’e not looking forward to it though cos they dread loch holidays.

I told my mate that I’d always fancied Beyonce. He said, ‘well whatever floats your boat’ & I said, ‘no that’s buoyancy’

Never trust a dwarf who says your wife’s hair smells nice.

Someone asked me why I love camping so much – I said probably because its such an intense experience.

I’m probably just being paranoid but I can definitely see five Peruvian owls standing on my fence, watching me through the kitchen window.

I’m sure they’re Inca hoots.

There is going to be a seasonal sale on soon at camping world and I am not happy about it. Its the winter of discount tents

Fire exits.

I hear they are on the way out….

Why do elephants paint thier balls red? So they can hide in cherry trees.

Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? No- shows how could their camouflage is

@maccruiskeen – I’ve never heard the Auntie Carol joke before, I’ve just read it to my g/f, and we’ve been pissing ourselves at it, she’s just asked me to forward a copy to her Auntie Carol in Brussels…

What’s the loudest noise in the jungle?

Giraffes eating cherries.

Comrade Yuri had spent all his life being a faithful servant of the communist party, as a reward was he was put on the waiting list to buy a car.

After six months the day came when he was allowed to go to the only car dealership in Moscow to choose his new car.

After carefully choosing his new car, the dealership manager informed he could collect it in 10 years

“10 years!” Exclaimed Yuri, and after a moment asked “will this be in the morning or afternoon?”

“Sir, why does this matter?”

“Ah” said Yuri, “I only ask as I have the plumber coming round in the morning “

I keep my noodles in the fridge.

They’re stone cold soba.

A woman goes to the doctor & says, ‘Doc, I’ve got a very embarrasing problem, I keep finding Puerto Rican postage stamps in my err, you know..foofy’ ‘hmm’ says the doc. ‘let me examine you’……..
‘Those aren’t postage stamps, theyr’e stickers off bananas’

she’s just asked me to forward a copy to her Auntie Carol in Brussels…

Who thought it as both funny, and weirdly appropriate…