Glorious USSR comedian say “What deal with potato?”
Russian crowd not laugh.
Comedian squint into darkness, to see audience.
There is no crowd. All are die from malnourish.

This is fantastic! 🙂

What’s brown and sticky?

A stick.

A mate’s off to the UAE for a holiday and asked me for tips. I told him I don’t know much about the region, but I’ve heard that people in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones, but people in Abu Dhabi do

What’s got two legs and bleeds?

Half a dog

What’s brown and sticky?

A stick.

What’s brown and runny?

Usain Bolt.

I have an irrational fear of people with the ends of their feet missing.

Doctor says I’m lack toes intolerant.

Similarly, a friend of mine is a farrier in outer Mongolia. Had to give up as he kept breaking out in rashes.

Turns out he is Yak toes intolerant.

Two cannibals eating Bernard Manning. One says

“See I told you it wouldn’t taste funny “

Went into a bar and said I wanted a double entendre. Quick as a flash, he asked “that’ll be a large one, then?”

Did your hear about the magic tractor?

It went down the lane and turned in to a field.

My mate Ian nurses raptors back to health by feeding them beer. He’s an ill eagle ale Ian.

I don’t get the skeleton mop one, am I being dense.

Guy goes to the docs & says, ‘my penis has turned orange’ Doc says, ‘whaaat!! drop your pants & lets have a look!, he looks & prods a bit & says, ‘well I’ve never seen anything quite like this before in my entire career, do you work with chemicals at all? Guy says, ‘no, I’m currently unemployed but looking for something in the film industry, I just sit around all day watching porn & eating Wotsits’

Did your hear about the magic tractor?

It went down the lane and turned in to a field.

Did you hear about the farmer who won a Nobel prize?
He was out standing in his field…

I don’t get the skeleton mop one, am I being dense.

A bit yes. Skellingtons 💀  are not very able to contain liquids, so spillage is inevitable, hence the mop 😉

My psychiatrist told me to write letters to all the people I hate telling them why I hate them, then burn them.

I tried it and it actually helped a great deal, but next time I might try burning the letters as well.

Did you hear about the truckie who picked up a hitchhiking witch?

She touched his knee and he turned into a layby.

Still probably my favourite!

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Europe.
Europe who?
No you’re a poo!

What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign language

I’ll have you know that I speak fluent Braille.

My mate caught Kreutzfeld Jacob disease from a gambling addicted car crash dummy. It was case of bovine spongiform Ncap-a-lottery

What’s brown and sticky?

A stick.

Don’t listen to him, he’s lying

I trusted him and have just spent the last half hour trying to sharpen a turd with a pen knife as a result.

This is fantastic

Three Russian are brag about sons. “My son is glorious red army soldier. He have rape as many nazi women as want,” say first Russian. “Zo?” second say, “My son is farmer. He have all potato he want!” Third Russian wait long time, then say, “My son is die at birth. For him, struggle is over.” “Wow! You are win us,” say others. But all are feel sad.

How many glourious red army is take screw in light bulb? A : 25. One screw in, 24 ride bicycle generator for 1-hour shift. But time probably better spend search food.

Gorbachev era Russian #1: Knock knock
Russian #2: Who there? I kid! I see you, we burn door for warming.

Two Russian look at sun. Is not sun, but nuclear reactor meltdown. Russian happy because maybe now warm enough to plant potato.

Old man is dying. There comes banging on door.
‘Who there?’ old man ask.
‘Is Death, I come to end suffering’.
‘Thank God’ man say, ‘I thought it was KGB.’

Q: Why do the Volkspolizei go out on patrol in groups of three?
A: One can read, one can write, and the third is there to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.

and from the same era…..what’s three streets long and eats cabbage? Soviet meat queue.

Last time I was in Seoul I had some Korean meatballs – they were the dogs b#llocks.

Another Russian joke…

A prisoner goes to the jail’s library to borrow a book.

Librarian says, “We don’t have book. We have author”

A man walks into a doctor’s surgery…

Doctor: “What seems to be the problem?”

Patient: “I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my arse!”

Doctor: “Owzat?”

Patient: “Now don’t you start!”

Dave is driving a truck load of monkeys to deliver to the Zoo when his truck breaks down, he calls the AA who say they will be there in 6 hrs. Luckily he sees his pal George, who whilst a bit thick, also drives a truck, he flags him down and says “If I give you £50 will to take these Monkeys to the zoo for me?” “sure thing says George and loads up and sets off for the Zoo. A couple of hours later Dave sees George heading back the way he came, still with the monkeys. He flags him down again and says “I gave £50 to take the monkeys to the Zoo….” “I did” says George “but I had some change left over so now I’m taking them to the Museum”

Some of the names in this story have been changed to protect the innocent/remove any racism/cultural stereotypes of people from certain geographical regions.

Did you hear about the plane carrying car parts that lost some cargo above Reverend Spooner’s house?

It was raining Datsun cogs.

A bloke walks into the opticians carrying a large box, from which a horrendous stench is emanating. Gradually, everyone else in the waiting room leaves, unable to cope with the smell. The optician sticks his head round the door, and is a bit surprised to see only one patient waiting, but tells him he should come in. The bloke walks in to the consulting room and opens to box to reveal an enormous turd. Almost gagging from the smell, the optician says “What have you come to see me for – you need to see a doctor!”. The man answers “No, no , it’s you I need to see. The thing is, every time I do one of these my eyes water”

A bloke walks into the opticians carrying a large box, from which a horrendous stench is emanating. Gradually, everyone else in the waiting room leaves, unable to cope with the smell. The optician sticks his head round the door, and is a bit surprised to see only one patient waiting, but tells him he should come in. The bloke walks in to the consulting room and opens to box to reveal an enormous turd. Almost gagging from the smell, the optician says

“what’s brown and sticky?”

Chap walks into a doctors surgery with a leaf poking out of his rectum.

The doctor has a look and exclaims “My god, you’ve got a lettuce poking out your bum!”

The chap replied “That’s just the tip of the iceberg. What can you do about it”

The doctor replied “well, I can put a dressing on it”

How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb?

two

but they have to be very small….

How do Mexicans keep warm?
The use chicken fajitas!

My mate’s Italian mother lives in Brighton.

The other day a man stopped her and asked “Anywhere I can get a decent cup of coffee?”

“Naples” she replied.

“Um… Isn’t there anywhere a bit closer?” he asked.

“Milan maybe”

surroundedbyhills

Subscriber

Dave is driving a truck load of monkeys to deliver to the Zoo when his truck breaks down, he calls the AA who say they will be there in 6 hrs. Luckily he sees his pal George, who whilst a bit thick, also drives a truck, he flags him down and says “If I give you £50 will to take these Monkeys to the zoo for me?” “sure thing says George and loads up and sets off for the Zoo. A couple of hours later Dave sees George heading back the way he came, still with the monkeys. He flags him down again and says “I gave £50 to take the monkeys to the Zoo….” “I did” says George “but I had some change left over so now I’m taking them to the Museum”

Some of the names in this story have been changed to protect the innocent/remove any racism/cultural stereotypes of people from certain geographical regions

Were any animals harmed in the telling of this joke?

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eyed deer

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no eyed dear

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no ears in a southern European county?

Sill deaf in Italy no eyed dear

(deep breath) What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, no ears, in a layby, on fire, in a southern European country?

Still deaf in Italy flaming no eyed dear, by the way.

Two fish in a tank.

One says “Have you a license to drive this thing?”

Fish swims into a wall.

Dam

My local zoo only had one animal, a small white dog.
It was a Shih Tzu.

Old man is dying. There comes banging on door.
‘Who there?’ old man ask.
‘Is Death, I come to end suffering’.
‘Thank God’ man say, ‘I thought it was KGB.’

This is the best one so far. Elegant, poigniant and a proper joke.

Walk past the pet shop the other day. They had a sale on. The budgies were going cheap.