A pirate goes to the doctor and says, “I have moles on me back, aaarrrghh.”

The doctor: “It’s ok, they’re benign.”

Pirate: “Count again, I think there be ten!”

Soz if that’s been done as well..

You are having a negative effect on my mental health. 😁

Man walks into a pub and requests a pint of Guinness only to be told by the bar staff, “I can’t give you a pint of Guinness, the bats will get you”.

Confused by this he heads a few doors down to another pub and to his astonishment is told the same thing;

“I can’t give you a pint of Guinness, the bats will get you”.

He then sets out to every pub and drinking establishment he sees, being told the same mantra over and over again;

“I can’t give you a pint of Guinness, the bats will get you”.

He then travels all across the country with no progress, he is determined to have his foamy black stout if it’s the end of him.

He spends two years travelling the world but every last place says the same thing

“I can’t give you a pint of Guinness, the bats will get you”.

Until one day, when he has a huge beard and a hungered and determined demeanour having taken him over, he finds a place on the water in Vietnam. He is certain that this is the final stop, it’s now or never. He requests the Guinness for the last time and to his overwhelming surprise and delight; it begins to get poured.

Just as he waits for it to settle he looks back on his long journey and feels complete, this pint will taste sweeter than anything he will ever consume again.

He lifts the pint to his lips, then the bats got him.

Skeleton walks in to a bar and says, “pint of lager and a mop, please.”

Knock Knock

Who’s there?

Dave

Dave who?

Dave proceeds to break down into tears as his grandmother’s Alzheimer’s has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him

CFH, that has been my fave joke for a long time! But I always omit the ‘please’, sounds better.

Horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “Why the long face?”

The horse, unable to speak because it’s a horse, shits on the floor and leaves.

I’m liking the cut of your jib Mr raybanwomble. Twists on the old classics

Horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “Why the long face?”

And the horse say “How dare you – I come in here looking to have a relaxing evening with friends and before I can even order a drink you’re making snide personal remarks about my appearance. What kind of dick move is that?  I demand to speak to the manager”

“No, no please – don’t speak to the manager, I’m already on my last warning after that bloke actually walked into a bar and got concussion. I’m so sorry, I really don’t know what came over me.”

The horse starts crying.

“Ohhhh, please don’t cry – how about we start over – go outside, come back in again and we can pretend this never happened.”

Reluctantly the horse dries its tears, goes outside, takes a deep breath and…

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender say, “Why the long f…. er I mean.. um Hello, good evening and what a lovely evening it is too, welcome to our establishment, my names Geoff and I’ll be your host for this evening. And who might you be?”

“Sarah Jessica Parker”

Janet Street Porter walks in to a bar and asks the barman, “Could I have a large aperitif?”

“Doubt it”, replies the barman.

What’s brown and sticky?

My Beyoncé poster.

Bloke walks into the doctors and says ” Doc ..Im worried there is a raised lump and some unusual activity happening on my cheek ”
The doctor takes out a powerful magnifying glass and sees in miniature a mountain range,forest, bubbling brook with salmon leaping and eagles flying in a clear blue sky ..
Explaining this to his patient he says ” There is absolutely nothing to worry about ..all we have here is a beauty spot ” ..

Love that JSP joke ..proper guffawed out loud 😂

Don’t get the bat one.

Don’t get the bat one.

You aren’t meant to, it’s an anti-joke designed to waste your time.

You aren’t meant to, it’s an anti-joke designed to waste your time.

I found it really funny!

Anti-jokes are funny to those who are a bit of a dick, like me. :p

it’s an anti-joke

No, this is an Aunty joke

The teacher gave her  class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, “My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.”

“What’s the moral of the story?” asked the teacher.

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!”

“Very good,” said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, “Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, ‘don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched.'”

“That was a fine story Sarah. “Joey, do you have a story to share?”

“Yes miss… my daddy told me a story about my Aunt Carol. Aunt Carol was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t fall into enemy hands, she landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, ’til the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands.”

“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?”

“Keep out of Aunt Carol’s way when she’s been drinking.”

Glorious USSR comedian say “What deal with potato?”

Russian crowd not laugh.

Comedian squint into darkness, to see audience.

There is no crowd. All are die from malnourish.

white horse enters bar
asks for whisky
that’s funny we have a whisky named after you
what? eric?

A bear wanders into village from forest. Villagers are helpless to watch as beast slaughters men, women, and children. Village elder’s son visit one day from glorious red army. Takes rifle, and shoots bear. Village is happy, praises elder’s son and celebrates with potato feastings. Son is executed for wasting ammunition.

Bloke walks into a psychiatrist’s surgery wearing cling film underpants….

Well says the doctor, I can clearly see your nuts!

Bloke walks into the doctor’s with a steering wheel on the front of his trousers.

“What seems to be the problem?”, asks the doctor

“No idea”, says the bloke, “but it’s driving me nuts”

“Keep out of Aunt Carol’s way when she’s been drinking.”

That’s been cleaned up somewhat since I last heard it.

How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?

wi’Jammin

How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?

wi’Jammin

I was in a café in Manchester the other day, and they were selling regular soup and Oasis soup. I asked, “what’s the Oasis soup?” and they replied “well, it’s the regular soup only you got a roll with it.”

drlex

Member
What’s brown and sticky?

My Beyoncé poster.

Your uber’s here. Beep beep.

My 8 year old makes jokes up. I don’t know why but this one made me giggle.

Why did the turtle fall off his bike? Because his Mom pushed him.

(I know, reading it, it doesn’t sound funny. It was his delivery which got me)

Man walks into a doctors. Says “I’ve got an embarasisng problem. I have… five c0cks down me pants” Doc say, oh dear, how on earth do your pants fit?

“Like a glove”

What’s the difference between a pub and a clitoris? Most men can find a pub.
What’s the difference between your penis and your bonus? Easy to get a woman to blow your bonus.

I had a clock for lunch yesterday. I tw as time-consuming. Especially when i went back for seconds

I’ve got an irrational fear of giants.
It’s been diagnosed as feefiphobia

I have an irrational fear of people with the ends of their feet missing.

Doctor says I’m lack toes intolerant.

I’m not homophobic.

I love my house.

So I went online and bought 5 bees 🐝
but when the package arrived there was 6 bees in the box. I called up the store and said ‘hey there’s 6 bees here but I only bought 5’ and he said..
.
That last one was a freebie.

My favourite bees are the kind you get milk from.

My favourite bees are the kind you get milk from.

oh go on then……….. how do you get milk from a bee?

or is it “what sort of bees do you get milk from?”

“what sort of bees do you get milk from?”

BOOOOBIES!

Two fish in a tank, one turns to the other and asks “You got any idea how to drive this thing??”

🙂

(classic misdirection joke!)

Two birds on a perch, one turns to the other and asks ” Can you smell fish?”

(classic fish pun joke)