Viewing 40 posts - 41 through 80 (of 84 total)
  • Slow painful death of a marriage
  • martymac
    Full Member

    marriage is hard enough when both of you pull together and things are going ok, i will say i admire your resolve to keep trying after she had an affair, im not sure i could.
    as for openly humiliating you in public, no way would i stand for that.

    left my 1st wife shortly after her father attacked me with a hammer, i smashed his face to a pulp, and while i was being put in the police van i asked her why we were doing this to each other. told her we would both be happier if we split up. so we did. im happier, but tbh i couldnt give a shit if she is or not.
    please get out of it before you end up like i was, im disgusted at allowing someone to make me lose control like that.
    ps, a few months later i met someone while i was at work, we have just celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary and tbh we have barely had a cross word in the 10 years we’ve been together.
    you only get one shot at life.

    user-removed
    Free Member

    Just. Crumbs. At some of the posts here. OP, **** the debts, go now. Right now, tonight.

    rossatease
    Free Member

    wallop – Member
    Rossatease – women are “psychos”? Really?

    Yes really, haven’t had much experience of them if you don’t know this much..

    warton – Member

    if you’re having to fight constantly in a marriage surely it’s better for everyone to end it?

    Well I wouldn’t take that too literally in he ‘fisticuffs’ sense, I mean it in the if something is worth fighting for sense, if you love someone and their acting unreasonably and upsetting you what are you going to do about it.
    a)Say nothing and hope ‘she’ comes round
    or
    b)Tell her she’s being unreasonable and to correct her attitude (The trick is delivering that statement and surviving it).
    We’re not talking about my marriage, my opinion and that is all it is, is that the male role should demonstrate a point where it will not be **** about, don’t adopt that role and for sure you will be, they’re like kids, they’ll push the boundaries all the time. Women are very complex emotional characters, they mature a lot earlier than men, but never really grow right up, they can be bitchy, selfish, unreasonable certainly illogical and it is a bloody minefield dealing with their bullshit, so every now and then you just have to lose the plot with them, let them know there’s that line right there, that you aint having them cross it.

    Whatever it works for me, sure most of the time I’m as pussywhipped as the next guy, but, only so far.

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    richpips
    Free Member

    Best of luck ivano.

    Ignore the bitter losers who haven’t got your confidence in their own ability to create a better future.

    user-removed
    Free Member

    rossatease – I don’t believe you’re real. If you are, I pity every, single female human you encounter in your sad wee life.

    EDIT: pity was the wrong word, I feel a bit sorry for any humans at all who cross your path. The pity is reserved for you.

    bencooper
    Free Member

    😯 at some of the views on here – I’d call them Neanderthal but that’s unfair on the Neanderthals.

    rossatease
    Free Member

    user-removed – Member
    rossatease – I don’t believe you’re real. If you are, I pity every, single female human you encounter in your sad wee life.

    And you’d recommend what? Running away, leave her, leave the kids, because she made you unhappy?

    What is it with you people..

    user-removed
    Free Member

    Well, I’d recommend finding a grown up woman who doesn’t behave like a spoilt princess for a start. Do you live in Essex?

    user-removed
    Free Member

    edit. just never mind.

    Best of luck OP

    rossatease
    Free Member

    user-removed – Member
    Well, I’d recommend finding a grown up woman who doesn’t behave like a spoilt princess for a start. Do you live in Essex?

    That’s a crap answer, try again without being insulting, they all act like spoilt princesses, because that’s what you make them think they are to start with, it’s inevitably you that changes, when they direct their attention to the kids rather than you, then life weighs in dealing other shit, at your work, their work, your friends, their friends, all manner of bollox complicates married life, but you don’t deal with it by rolling over or running away.

    totalshell
    Full Member

    to the OP,, youve two issues feeding your mental health.. the devil on the sofa and the one inside that says the 14 hr days are the solution..

    new job new housemate.. in that order.. sort the bills once the first two are sorted..

    CountZero
    Full Member

    rossatease – Member
    wallop – Member
    Rossatease – women are “psychos”? Really?
    Yes really, haven’t had much experience of them if you don’t know this much..
    warton – Member
    if you’re having to fight constantly in a marriage surely it’s better for everyone to end it?

    Well I wouldn’t take that too literally in he ‘fisticuffs’ sense, I mean it in the if something is worth fighting for sense, if you love someone and their acting unreasonably and upsetting you what are you going to do about it.
    a)Say nothing and hope ‘she’ comes round
    or
    b)Tell her she’s being unreasonable and to correct her attitude (The trick is delivering that statement and surviving it).
    We’re not talking about my marriage, my opinion and that is all it is, is that the male role should demonstrate a point where it will not be **** about, don’t adopt that role and for sure you will be, they’re like kids, they’ll push the boundaries all the time. Women are very complex emotional characters, they mature a lot earlier than men, but never really grow right up, they can be bitchy, selfish, unreasonable certainly illogical and it is a bloody minefield dealing with their bullshit, so every now and then you just have to lose the plot with them, let them know there’s that line right there, that you aint having them cross it.

    Whatever it works for me, sure most of the time I’m as pussywhipped as the next guy, but, only so far.

    What a sad little man you are, with an extraordinarily poor judge of people if you think all women are like the ones you seem to associate with.
    There isn’t a single woman of my acquaintance who fits the description you’ve described there; sadly, I’m not married, but all of the women who’ve been close to me through my life are all still people I’m proud to call friends, and I’m pretty sure I’m a good enough judge of character and personality to never develop a relationship with anyone who fits your description. I’m talking about girls/women I’ve known for thirty to forty years, BTW.
    The lack of maturity shown by some here is truly astonishing. 🙄
    To the OP; I’m desperately sorry things have got as bad as they have, and, tough as it may seem, I really think that you and your lady need to sit down and really talk to one-another. There’s no communication at all, it seems, and you really need to break through that, and come to a mutual decision about your marriage, where each of you sees it now, and where you want to go in the future.
    I broke up with someone I loved with all of my heart years ago, because there were issues that I couldn’t quite articulate, and kept bottled up, and in doing so I broke her heart too, and I’ve never quite forgiven myself, and lost someone I could have easily spent my life with, a truly lovely human being.
    If I’d only talked to her, things could well have been very, very different.
    Unless the two of you communicate, neither of you will ever know what common ground you have, and whether or not it can, or cannot be made to work between you both.
    Sounds like things are broken beyond repair, but unless you both know where each of you stands, you won’t know how much you can rescue, letting you both walk away with dignity, and mutual respect for each other.
    Good luck, and best wishes for the future.

    rossatease
    Free Member

    CountZero – Member
    What a sad little man you are blah blah blah.sadly, I’m not married,.

    And I’m the sad little man?

    CountZero – Member
    I broke up with someone I loved with all of my heart years ago, because there were issues that I couldn’t quite articulate, and kept bottled up, and in doing so I broke her heart too, and I’ve never quite forgiven myself, and lost someone I could have easily spent my life with, a truly lovely human being.
    If I’d only talked to her, things could well have been very, very different.
    Unless the two of you communicate, neither of you will ever know what common ground you have, and .

    Well you’ll have to excuse me, but that looks like another way of saying exactly what I’ve been pointing out. Don’t tell them and they won’t have any respect for you. And you lost. Me? I tell her all the time, both the good news and bad and yes it could be described as fighting, but we’re 29 years in and still rucking and the last thing I am is sad. I don’t bottle anything up so I aint depressed, nor does she, in this case anger is often a better emotion to display than hidden despair and we row, but all the time we’re rowing, there is still clearly interest.

    skinnyboy
    Free Member

    Make the move OP. Do it sooner rather than later. We only get one go on this ride make it a happy one.

    15 years ago, i left my partner, my whole life, family and friends, hometown and all the trappings of a cushy life because i hated all the bullshit that surrounded me. I hopped on a plane and came to Australia, 6 months later i met the love of my life and we battled everything life could throw at us to stay together. Safe to say that 15 years later we are still together and have a sweet life, so far removed from the chaos that was my previous life. I’m a bit like you, I’m 41 and whilst I have no kids, I had a lot of guilt and perceived responsibility that kept me “in place’ until I realised it is all self imposed. It takes a massive leap of faith to end your current “life” and take up a new one, but we all have the ability because that nagging voice in our head tells us “this isn’t how my life should be”

    Your family will come round eventually. I returned to the UK for the first time last year and the resentment from my family was still lingering, but you know what, I don’t care. Its my life, you don’t have a a say in my daily life, so who the **** are you to tell me otherwise. Its very liberating.

    So do it OP, grab life by the balls and make the change. There are some great times awaiting you over the horizon and challenges you think will kill you but they don’t they make you focused and push you towards a better future for you and ultimately your kids. As for the wife, she’s played you because you let her out of respect and duty. Its time to let that one go. I look back at my ex and praise (insert deity here) that i left her as i would have buried her under the patio by now she was such a horrible person. But at the time i was blinded by what could be not what she was. My wife now is so far out of my league its shameful but she is a such a fantastic person and makes me laugh everyday that she inspires me to be a better man. You too can have that if you break free from the present.

    I know we don’t know each other but you are a fellow man and it only takes the right words to inspire us to be what we always should be, happy.

    jamj1974
    Full Member

    Rossatease. Fair play to you for working hard and being open with your other half to keep your marriage going. However, not “all women are psychos”. People are generally complicated by nature including men but most of us are not psychopathic… Neither does being single or leaving a relationship necessarily make anyone a sad little man…

    BillMC
    Full Member

    OP get your financial ducks in a row, see a solicitor before saying anything to your wife, if your marriage is beyond counselling then you can still see a Relate person on your own to talk it all through. Be prepared to be walloped financially and it takes quite a while to get it all out of your system.
    I ended a marriage after 25 years. Me and Mrs MC No 2 have never had a row as there is no power game going on. We discuss things and resolve things before they become issues. I respect and like as well as love her, I prefer her company to anyone else and we laugh a lot. It can be done. There is a sea of possibilities out there, explore them.

    Lester
    Free Member

    whereas i dont agree with Rossatease, i might explain it this way, maybe im wrong, and i do have experience with more than a couple of women shall we say to back it up.
    i think basically men are simple creatures who want a simple life, they want to go out to work, come home to smiley happy family, have sex as often as they can and dont want any grief/complication/recrimination/or any hassle, just a simple life.
    women, i would substitute Psycho for complicated, so complicated that the average man does NOT and never will understand what his female partner wants, some women need more than a simple life and most men arent perceptive or willing or just too lazy to try and fulfil their female partners needs.

    op, i was in a similar situation, we hadnt had sex for 4 years, i had an impromptu one night stand, she kicked me out, it was the best thing that ever happened for both of us, i met a wonderful woman and i think the ex is pretty happy.
    down side is, i have to rent as she got to keep the house and i dont see my son as he “seems” to have been poisoned by the the ex against me.
    even so, i miss my son but overall i am a lot happier, and you have a responsibilty to the people who rought you into the worled to be as ahappy as you can be and not waste your life in depression and unhappiness,
    near Stansted and fancy a beer or a ride let me know 🙂
    good luck

    saxabar
    Free Member

    Seems to me that you will be setting a better example by ending things. Life doesn’t have to be existential hell and I cannot see what is to be gained for all concerned by having things stay as they are. A chance and a leap into the unknown I’m sure, and I imagine there are a 1001 difficult practicalities, but it sounds like the game was over some time ago. No need to feel guilt in ending things as it sounds like you’ll be doing everyone a favour. Try and anticipate legals to cover yourself, and then get it in motion.

    FunkyDunc
    Free Member

    OP – Not a nice situation to be in, but at least you have the insight that lots of things are not right. 1. Your marriage 2. Your job. 3. No self esteem.

    IMO they all sound like a vicious circle too.

    Take time out to sort out in your own mind how you can improve things firstly for yourself, its YOUR life. Work out what will improve things for you. Why leave the wife if your left with a nothing but a job that you hate? If I were married to you and you worked 14 hr days I would be pretty peed off.

    Start a plan to make your life more yours, screw what family think, on the contrary they may respect you more for standing up to things and making decisions.

    It doesn’t sound like over the years your wife and yourself have communicated very well you need to do this now, but at this stage it may need a 3rd party to do it through, even if its to confirm that separation is the only way forward to make both your lives better.

    Some of the comments above I pitty the men who have such narrow views and insight, thinking that women are all odd when in fact it is themselves that need to wake up and see their own failings.

    TrailriderJim
    Free Member

    I think another issue here is the poster’s perception of his family’s expectations and aspirations. Never believe that you “owe” anything to your family. They decided to make you, you had no say in the matter. Yes, many of us are lucky to be given hand outs and support by family, but again, their choice, given they decided to have you. You own you.

    crankboy
    Free Member

    Ivano my life was going in your direction in my 30’s my marriage was held together by a sense of guilt social responsibility and fear of my parents reaction . A big factor for me was the death of my father I realised you only get one life. My biggest regret now is that my dad is not around to know my second wife some one he could truely love and respect who makes my very happy. My brother took the opportunity to come out and is now in a happy stable and public relationship in a northern ex pit town. I cannot believe that had we done all this when he was alive notwithstanding some initial friction our dad would be anything less than pleased and proud of the lives we have made.
    You have given it long enough move on . if necessary take the hit and move out.
    Also get a job you want to do .
    “If not now then when shall we live?”

    wanmankylung
    Free Member

    A video you all need to watch.

    [video]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKWmFWRVLlU[/video]

    MoreCashThanDash
    Full Member

    Not much to add really, other than wish you luck. Some relationship counselling may help you and the family keep things in perspective and minimise some of the fallout.

    There but for the grace of God. Sometimes wonder what life will hold for us and some of our friends when the kids have flown the nest. They don’t go till 35 now apparently. I’ll be 70 by then! 😕

    emsz
    Free Member

    Wow,
    some of the things some blokes say are pretty unbelievable. I think some people shouldn’t post when they’ve had a few drinks!

    Junkyard
    Free Member

    Saddly emsz you flatter some of us as they probably actually mean it 😳

    Sometimes I am embarrassed to share a gender with some people. this is one of those times

    so complicated that the average man does NOT and never will understand what his female partner wants, some women need more than a simple life and most men arent perceptive or willing or just too lazy to try and fulfil their female partners needs

    Speak for yourself

    What a load of bosh there is on here as people are people. Some are complicated, some are shallow, some are nice some are not. Some can understand other people different form themselves some can not. The deciding factor is not their genitalia.

    FWIW emsz your doomed then as there are two of them in yours. Gay blokes are blessed as obviously all their relationships work a treat as they are so uncomplicated. its either that or relationships are a bit complicated, hard to tell eh

    jamj1974
    Full Member

    Junky +1

    Merchant-Banker
    Free Member

    So you’ve been married for 18 years and 10 have been loveless, I think its about time you give your head a shake and move on pal, life is far to short.

    To of spent a decade feeling down, overworked, unloved must have been horrific, but if you don’t change the situation you find yourself in no one else will do it for you.

    Maybe your wife is just as unhappy as you are?

    She sees no way out for herself and the children, as you’re the bread winner, you pay the bills, you cook, take care of providing a roof over there heads.

    Would she really give all this security up for personal happiness, i think the answer is no as for ten years she,s stayed with you after she had an affair.

    She wasn’t happy 10 yrs. ago. you’ve not been happy for 10 years since the affair.

    It’s started to affect both of you in a mental way, and it will only start to rub of on your kids as they get older seeing parents in a loveless marriage is no fun for kids trust me.

    Just accept the fact it wasn’t meant to be, you both tried as best you could given the circumstances and its time for a fresh start.

    Look after her and the kids financially.

    move onwards and upwards brother.

    trailofdestruction
    Free Member

    Jeez OP, feel for you buddy. In a similar position (ish), so can fully sympathise, and relate to some of what you’re going through.

    If you don’t mind me adding a few of my thoughts to this post.

    It is going to to get worse before it gets better, so get ready for some dark days, but it will get better. I know it feels like you’re in the middle of a long, dark tunnel right now, but there is light at the end of it. One day you will look back on all of this as just a horrible memory, as you will be in a better, happier place. Remember that. What you are currently fighting for is a better life for you and your kids, and that is a fight worth having.

    You can do it. I know it feels like you can’t, and you don’t have the strength at times, but you can. Look at all the people up there who have climbed that mountain and come out the other side. Just keep taking those deep breaths.

    You don’t owe anybody anything. Not your job, not your family, not your wife. This is about what is going to be good for you and your kids. Other peoples opinions don’t matter, full stop.

    You sound like a pretty sensible guy, and I would advise taking some professional advise with regards to money and legal proceedings, as OMINTN suggested. This will make sure that all this happens correctly, and maybe even a bit more quickly. You want to make sure that you’re not going to get done over, and you get what you want out of this, whatever that may be.

    Find a friend to talk to. Seriously, I hadn’t told anyone about what I was going through, and it was weighing me down like lead. When a good work friend and colleague took me to one side, and forced a conversation out of me, it was like someone had lifted a concrete slab off my chest. Hey, I have an email address in my profile, need someone to rant at who won’t judge you ? Drop me an email. Really. Knowing that you have someone who has your back, can provide invaluable moral support.

    Take time out of the situation. This is going to be on your mind 24/7, so try and take some time away from it and do something else. Focus your energy into doing something positive that will make you feel good about yourself. Ride a bike, climb a mountain.

    Good luck, and take care of yourself mate.

    noteeth
    Free Member

    I’d call them Neanderthal but that’s unfair on the Neanderthals.

    [Ex-archaeologist] Neanderthals were a highly-successful hominin species – indeed, for a very long time they shared the same kind of material culture as their anatomically-modern cousins (i.e. us). Using “Neanderthal” as an insult is in itself unfair. [/Ex-archaeologist]. 😉

    To the OP: good luck.

    Edukator
    Free Member

    Only worry about things you can do something about.

    Don’t worry about your age or getting older. It’ll happen. Worry about being like those older people in the supermarket and do something different so you’re not them at their age.

    Do something about the job because with that traveling and those hours life won’t be much fun whoever you share it with.

    Do something about your social life once you’ve got time to have one. Nobody is forcing all that washing, ironing and cooking on you. Do you have a lunch break? If so swim, run, walk or do something that will turn the clock back a bit. Find time do do things with your kids (and wife if willing).

    You might just find that the new you rubs off on the others in your life.

    Do everything you can do to make your life better.

    ivano
    Free Member

    so in the cold light of day, without red wine, some of the replies have been hard to read but for the right reasons I think. I think I’m going from denial into acceptance, and that’s painful in itself.
    I took the dog out for a long walk this morning, found myself having a bit of a blub. One of the over riding feelings is almost unbearable loneliness. It’s a hard cruel world when things aren’t going so well, and you’re the introspective kind.

    I think I half expected everyone to say ‘yeh that’s about standard, suck it up’. But I realise that’s partially my denial speaking and from spending so long focused inwardly on a life that has become something of a struggle.
    But that’s also partly the reason for the post, to get a real life perspective, however harsh (and I welcome all views), one that has been missing for me.

    I have some time off work, although that seems to have caused a bit of dread at being at home more.
    But I’m going to get some rest today, get out on the bike tomorrow, give myself a little space to think.

    wanmankylung
    Free Member

    I have some time off work, although that seems to have caused a bit of dread at being at home more.

    If being at home fills you with dread go out. It’s OK to show that you’re completely **** off with someone as you clearly are. It’s hiding it and sucking it up that is the dangerous part.

    MrsToast
    Free Member

    I’m a bit late to this thread, as I was too busy crushing my husband’s will with my bare wifehands…

    rossatease
    Free Member

    Mrs Toast – Member
    I’m a bit late to this thread, as I was too busy crushing my husband’s will with my bare wifehands…

    And would that in all honesty be much fun if he didn’t fight back? 😉

    Jamie
    Free Member

    I’m a bit late to this thread, as I was too busy crushing my husband’s will with my bare wifehands…

    Rather than oppressing men’s rights, you could be using your time far more productively, ova heer:

    http://singletrackworld.com/forum/topic/photoshop-favour

    keng38
    Free Member

    Ivano, good luck whatever you decide.
    I wish you and your family well whatever the outcome.
    I have seen both sides of what you are going through and the happier people are the ones who have split.
    It may be shitty at first but time is a good healer.
    Don’t worry about the kids, they always seem to end up ok IMO.

    Tom_W1987
    Free Member

    A video you all need to watch.

    +1 to Junkys post.

    The maker of that video has a serious case of fox and the grapes syndrome/cognitive dissonance. Can’t get hot women, oh they are all crazy whores. Any fool can despise what he cannot get.

    If I’m going to generalise on a subject with no evidence to back my assertions up, I would say attractive men and women are usually the least crazy as they come with a whole lot less baggage.

    Morons. Morons everywhere.

    yourguitarhero
    Free Member

    Why are people being called Neanderthals, like it’s a bad thing?

    Stop ragging on the Dutch, they seem like a pretty enlightened people to me. Maybe apart from that Black Pete thing..

    bigrich
    Full Member

    evidence suggests that Neanderthals had a matriarchal society.

    “stop fixing your club in the cave” “a parcel arrived from flintnappingarrowheads.com again, have you been buying more stuff?” and the old classic “yes of course I don’t mind if you go out and have fun riding mammoths with your friends whilst I stay in and look after the baby”

    ti_pin_man
    Free Member

    I’ve slowly read through this thread for the first time this morning and am a bit stunned at there being so few comments about your kids dude. They are your priority. How old are they? You and your wife are adults and made choices that led to where you are, your kids didnt. They are your priority, then you, then everything else.

    To a point I agree that your kids should have two happy parents and sometimes its better to have two seperated but happy parents but some care needs to be taken depending on their ages as to how you do that. if that is what you do.

    I split from my ex when my girl was 2 years old. So young she wouldnt really remember her parents together. We built up a routine of contact and now shes ten and shes happy and we have a great relationship. I see her every other weekend and much of the summer and xmas hols. We have a fab time. But she was young. Only you will know if they are old enough to really understand, I personally think aged 11-14 is the hardest times for a kid to understand. BUT conversely saying you stayed with yer mum till they were 18 because of them really wont work. You and only you know if the timing is manageable.

    Finally, two phrases I love and have used myself:

    Life is pain and suffering – this is supposed to remind you to find the happiness inbetween.

    And… Winston:
    If you walk into hell, keep walking – I’m there myself at the moment and I’m still walking, its getting cooler but has been hot as hell in here for 3 months. Keep walking.

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