Do any of you guys have many issues with this? If so can anyone offer any tips on how to deal with it.

Kid No 1) My son who is now 12yrs old. Always been mad keen on football and is quite talented with his feet. Quite lazy and other than the weekly training sessions with the team he is pretty uninterested in putting in ‘extra’ to achieve anything more. Popular young lad and good at school etc. Happy to be with his mates.

Kid No2) My daughter who is 8yrs old. An absolute nutter who will climb anything. She has her girly stuff and her friends but when she sees something to climb she is off. Very very talented. Found her last night in her bedroom practising pull ups on her arms and traversing the bed runners.

Now to the issue. I was a pretty good footballer who injured himself to the point where it effects every sport I do now. I have to decide if I can take the pain for 3-4days following any type of kick about with my son or climb with my daughter. I have coached my sons team for 5yrs and we had a very successful season this year but I have decided to call it a day and let him enjoy himself. Training hurts me now and the other coach isn’t on the same wavelength as me anymore. I will still be at every match but don’t want to be the guy shouting and motivating them, I want to watch my son and enjoy it.

My son isn’t taking this very well at all. He is being pretty nasty to me about me only caring about my daughter (Who I coach as much as possible and have recently constructed a training wall at home). He says that he is treated differently at home. He was given quite a strict discipline in the earlier years compared to his sister but he gets that back now in trust as he is mature beyond his years and allowed quite a lot of privaledges his sister will have no chance of getting so young.

This is starting to get me angry which I don’t want but his mum isn’t helping as I think she agrees with him. She isn’t very hands on with the sports so I end up having to try to find time for things. The current issue is I am being accused of not wanting to train my son so that I can train my daughter. Thing is my son isn’t really interested in anything other than a quick kick about which puts me out of action for the next 3 days.

Any tips appreciated as this is starting to worry me about my sons attitude:-(

At that age it might just be the start of teenage stuff starting, but you and his mum need be coming to agreement and a common approach before anything else.

Have you explained to him that it’s for medical reasons that things have changed? If so and he isn’t coming round then perhaps the mature beyond his years belief isn’t quite as you think.

Can you stay involved in the football club in a less physical role?

Your son needs to understand that you injuries are what has brought you to this decision. I damaged my back and this limits the things I can do with my kids but they understand this and know why I opt out of certain activities.

Your son needs to think about others more and less about just himself, also he is only 12 and not able to process this fully, all aided by testosterone which makes it more difficult.

All tricky stuff but it is what kids do. What works for some may not work for others, but what worked for us:
My wife and I had to be on the same line constantly. That’s the first line they try and break.

They had different interests but I asked them each what they really wanted out of sport – the deal for each was that I’d help, but there was a minimum they’d have to put in too and I’d do more the more interest each showed. That bit might help you if your daughter shows more commitment than your son. Can you supervise team skills sessions where you don’t have to kick the ball if he agrees to do more sessions?

What was my time – they had to acknowledge my need for exercise and to do things just to hold my body together if they wanted me to use it to do sport with them.

Seems to work and there’s next to no argument now.

Yep kids look for any weakness to exploit and will then ruthlessly go for it.
As others have said the weakness is that you and your missus don’t seem to be on the same page – so that needs to be discussed and worked out before presenting them with options.

the deal for each was that I’d help, but there was a minimum they’d have to put in too and I’d do more the more interest each showed.

oldbloke + 1 I think that’s the key

Thanks for the reasoned responses guys.

Have made the decision to come out of the football coaching now so need to accept this as it was getting to the point where I was frustrated I couldn’t coach enough and that he wasn’t as ‘up for it’ as I was. Wasn’t expecting the backlash tbh as I thought/think he will enjoy the fact his dad is just there to encourage now rather than organise and train them.

His mother is unfortunately not really interested in sport full stop. She likes the fact her kids are active and she understands the need for it but she has little interest in actually taking them to sports etc. All she sees is me pending 3-5 evenings per week with my daughter working on climbing and now stopping the once per week training of my son. Sounds a bit biased but it really isn’t. I have a climbing wall 5mins drive away and my daughter has 12mths membership. We can nip there for 1-2hrs and I get to chat to her and walk around the walls whilst she climbs. If I feel fit I climb but that is probably 1-2 per month now. I suggest my son going for a run and I will cycle, he declines. I suggest my sun does some fitness training, he declines. I sit outside while he kicks a ball about for 30 mins but he gets bored and goes back inside because I am not joining in.

The pain is arthritis which is now crippling the good leg I had. I have had 5 operations in the last few years and tbh the next step is them breaking my leg to straighten the leg which I am now backtracking on. Therefore I am looking at another decade before I am close to getting knee replacement to get rid of the pain.

Cant believe its gone like this. I used to love football and always thought I would be the one dragging my son out to play. But unfortunately this isn’t possible and now he is resenting me for spending time with his sister. Its just her activity is so much easier to be involved in whilst still having fun.

I have also tried suggesting other activities to my son which we could both do but again, he loves football

Totally off topic but have you been offered a knee replacement? My Dad has had both knees and a hip replaced after injuring them playing Shinty. He’s literally been given a new lease of life after barely being able to walk with a stick.

Nope. Top man locally said he want to snap my leg and straighten it to take the pressure off the outside of the knee which has all but worn away. That’s ok and makes sense but I would end up going through 12-18mths of pain to find I will still have a worn out knee.

At 39 I don’t think they fancy doing a knee replacement bearing in mind the other knee is following suit. Its a family condition. My dad had knee replacement and my older brother has had the op the doctors want to do on me. He doesn’t recommend it.

The above is one of the main reasons I got my daughter into climbing. Anything that didn’t involve running. She has similar legs to me, my son thankfully seems to have straighter legs like his mum

Yeah can see it’s hard – could your wife takedrop/pick up your daughter once or twice a week with the climbing?

So basically all your son is seeing is 3-5 days your daughter gets to spend with you and he doesn’t. If you & your wife shared the load with your daughter then you could spend time with your son?

Does he actually want to play footie 3-5 days a week?
How are you in goal? 😆

I can’t believe we’re an hour into this and pudding hasn’t been mentioned. No more for your son until there’s some commitment.

Seriously, does he understand how much work the pros put into playing football? Also a couple of hours belaying 4 or 5 times a week doesn’t work over older joints and backs as much as a couple of hours of football. If you can stand the pain and inactivity maybe go for it with the football next week and then explain the following week(s) why you can’t do anything with either of them.

I think that’s the answer daRC L. I must admit I will be gutted to back off from taking her as its so much fun and rewarding. Its also not fair on her to change things when she is so keen.

Can play in goals but its one of those things where I can play for 30mins and not have a problem and bang the knee clicks the wrong way and I am hobbling for a week. I even tried swimming with him which I enjoyed and he seemed to but hasn’t asked to go again since.

OP
How does your son feel about climbing?

That’s it sandwich. The climbing is just like having a walk around the wall and a good laugh whilst she works herself into the ground (I have to keep asking how her arms, fingers, feet are to stop her hurting herself).

I do what you suggested once in a while (I joined in the clubs annual rounders comp at the weekend and am paying for it now). He knows the consequences of me playing football.

I used to play twice per week. Train twice per week with my clubs and then when I was the local professional club train once per week with them. I was also running 3mls every sat and 9mls every sunday for fitness when I wasn’t playing.

I am happy with him not pushing things but that’s not his sisters fault.

fasthaggis – Hates it. He sent me a txt recently when I invited him along for a play climb with his sister at the walls. He mentioned not liking me asking for help building the home wall and that he doesn’t like climbing at all so please stop asking. He also mentioned he also doesn’t like me suggesting he tries to do some fitness work which I was happy to help him with.

I come from a similar upbringing hobo, where I’d be your son. I don’t get on, or desire to get on with my parents or my brother who seems to exists happily on the gift that keeps coming, whereas I mostly work hard for every posession. I guess I’m quite bitter.

My advice? Stop approaching it like you would. Sit down with him, and ask him what he wants to do, let him tell YOU what he wants from you. Then, when you’ve realised what it is, find a way of achieving it based on your circumstances.

Maybe mum can take your daughter climbing, or she can miss a class whilst you jump in a taxi and go and watch a Foootie match with him and his mates instead, it won’t hurt hurt to miss it once in a while. Find some dad time based on his priority, not yours. Listen-to-him.

Can you spend time with your son doing non-sporty things e.g. watching a film, playing video games etc? Or for an off the wall suggestion – get a tandem, could be a great laugh.
You have my sympathies though, tough situation to find yourself in.

no direct experience with kids of my own of that age, but I have worked with yoofs and they can be very awkward at that age, hes full of hormones and they are incredibly powerful behaviour modifiers, so dont take it personally
and if it helps you sound like a great dad devoting a lot of time to your kids

Oh and I cant believe no one has suggested cycling. I did try everything with that too. I have had to stop that but I am up to cycling with the kids. He decided it was better to get a bmx to ‘doss’ with his mates. OK with that so I tried to get him into doing some tricks or the local park. Nope he just wanted it to ride to the local green to kick about with his mates.

His sister has a great mountain bike we got for Christmas which she is itching to get out on the trails but I am honestly holding back so I don’t upset her brother and spend more time with her.

Its madness

Get him a bike and take them both.

So basically all your son is seeing is 3-5 days your daughter gets to spend with you and he doesn’t.

This is your sons perspective. You used to coach and train him, now you don’t, yet still your daughter gets 3 or 4 days per week with her.

You worry about your daughter loosing her drive if you’re not there which is understandable, is there a good coach/supervisor who can work with her if your wife takes her? That way she still gets the benefit of being there and your son gets more time with his dad.

You also mention him not asking to go back swimming. My experience of kids is that need a bit of a nudge from time to time, “shall we go swimming today?” will get a better response than just waiting, particularly if he feel you haven’t got time for him anyway (untrue as that is).

Oh, and what Kryton says, ask him what he wants from you? Ask if there are any other sports/activities he’d like to do, generally get involved with him, let him lead it.

Different tack…

He says that he is treated differently at home. He was given quite a strict discipline in the earlier years compared to his sister but he gets that back now in trust as he is mature beyond his years and allowed quite a lot of privaledges his sister will have no chance of getting so young.

I think you’re looking far too much at the symptom – the football thing is just an excuse for him to get out resentment at you and IMO you won’t change that through playing football or whatever.

It sounds like for whatever reason he’s got it in his head that he’s not treated the same as his sister and the circumstances are backing that up in his mind – ‘negative belief cycle’ is the ‘technical’ term (along with confirmation bias).

I reckon that talking to him is the only way to solve this. As I say, I’m sure that the football is not the real issue. Talk to him rationally (he’s old enough for this, up to a point) but keep firm on the fact that you cannot play football because it’s going to cripple you.

Ask him what he would like you to do with him instead to demonstrate that he’s treated fairly and accept that it may not be as much fun (for you) as taking your daughter climbing. If he needs prompting, cycling is obviously fun if he’s that way inclines or swimming or bowling or frankly anything to demonstrate willingness.

If it comes back to playing/coaching football, stick with your firm line on that and leave it if you can’t progress. Keep trying though – demonstrate that you want to change things but that you’re restricted in what you can do but will do (within reason) what he wants.

Kryton, I understand that. I am quite similar with my family. I have tried that approach but he doesn’t suggest anything. I tried to introduce him to RC cars and we raced a season last year (I came 3rd he came 4th in the series 😉 He came to me this year and said he didn’t wish to continue.

He does ballboy at the local professional team. Maybe I could see about getting a season ticket and joining him there. Even though I wouldn’t be with him at the pitch I would still be taking him and there at the ground.

iolo – I have tried it. He had spesh hotrocks upto 20″ and I took him all over the place. Even took him on glentress red route on a tag along once (My knees were ok back then). He doesn’t like biking that much and wanted the bmx as much for dossing as it was to get out of mountain biking

Lunge – I would love to but its £10 per hour for someone to coach. Its £350 per year for the membership and its £10 per fortnight for team coaching plus I take her to penrith wall which costs me £10 per week.

I cant afford to start dishing £80 per month to get her a couple of hours coaching on top of the £40-50 I pay at present.

Oh, and I thought you would have seen from the other posts, I am not backwards in suggesting activities to do. I don’t have ANY time for myself anymore which I am 100% ok with but the time is valuable

The season ticket isn’t a bad idea, I’m no football fan but I do remember with great fondness fondness going to watch Villa with my dad. Not really for the football but more the sense of occasion and the fact it was just me and my dad.

nemesis you sound educated on this. I must admit that he is right, he was treated differently. I wasn’t half as patient as I am now with my daughter. Its one of the things with being older and more experienced, you learn from your mistakes.

He was brought up kind of in competition with his similar aged cousin. I spent the first 5-5yrs of his life peeling them apart from fighting and my son could never do anything without his cousin being compared to him which I tried to protect him from.

What do I do? Start clipping his sister around the lug hole for being silly…….

Lunge, only issue is he ballboys for them. I would be in the stand by myself

Just invited him to cinema tomorrow evening whilst his mum and sister are at swimming lesson.

I must admit that he is right, he was treated differently. I wasn’t half as patient as I am now with my daughter. Its one of the things with being older and more experienced, you learn from your mistakes.

Hobo, it took me about 36 years to realise – once I became a parent – why I was treated differently to my brother. For a start my parents worked 5 jobs between them, 15% mortgages were abound etc by life for them was no way as comfortable for them when my brother was born later, or now as it is for me an my son.

I can’t dump my emotions on the subject despite the facts, but I urge you, or someone else to talk to your kid and help avoid that situation, I’m sure you don’t want to grow apart from him.

Like I said, be honest with him. Sit him down and tell him you didn’t realise how he felt, made some assumptions and what he sees as the result, but you’d very much like to change that. Now, what would he like to do with his dad, this weekend? Name it, and we’ll do it. Go overdrawn this weekend if you have to, but tell him that won’t work everyday. Its only numbers which you can deal with in the short term – whats more important (a suggestion, I’m not questioning your ethics)? During the day out, tell him you love to do it again, so can he have a think about something he wants to do and let you know?

Just invited him to cinema tomorrow evening whilst his mum and sister are at swimming lesson.

Half way there, what he sees is that you did something convienient. Hopefully he won’t “get” that, but if he does (harsh but true) you need to cancel Little Miss Hobo’s rok climbing lesson in his favor to demonstrate your committment.

Tough life, innit…

I have an acceptance for tomorrow evening 🙂

“aye, smiley face followed by a thumbs up”
I replied
“coolio”
He relpied
“Really, coolio cheers mate”

Might take him to the pub after (No not really)

nemesis you sound educated on this.

Nah, I’m guessing as much as any other parent…

As I said, you just need to talk to him and try to keep it rational – he’s still a kid and once you veer away from that you’ll not get anywhere. That’s why you need to be clear and firm on the football thing but essentially give him carte blanche on anything else instead (again, within reason).

You may find that there are some specific issues, nothing to do with football, that you can remedy and improve things.

And I’ll stress, you may not be able to talk this out in one go – if he doesn’t accept that football is out, walk away (but explain why) and try again once things have settled down.

Good news on the cinema though – sounds like he’s not in a ‘blanking you’ frame of mind so he’s open to suggestions as above.

Lol! Excellent – presumably you’ll let him choose the film, and the popcorn, and the sweets…

come from a similar upbringing hobo, where I’d be your son. I don’t get on, or desire to get on with my parents or my brother who seems to exists happily on the gift that keeps coming, whereas I mostly work hard for every posession. I guess I’m quite bitter.

I think it’s a lot more common than you might think, particularly in 2 sibling families. My wife simply cannot do anything without her sister doing something ‘better’ according to her parents. They spend more time with her and her children even though they are 150 miles away. When they were younger, she got the pony, the new running shoes etc. etc. despite being the younger.
Culminating in her being ‘loaned’ a very large sum of money for a deposit on a house, despite lying about being in a serious relationship which lead to a marriage (the house bought is now of course in her and her husbands names).

None of which would matter if she’d had a run of bad luck or was just not as fortunate, but she is disagreeable and has entirely made her own ‘bad luck’.

I don’t have any answers but I can see why it can simmer away for years in the background – so you’re right to be trying to address it now.

Must admit the invitation was to see Jurassic Park at the pictures (Its the only one I checked on the times for). I will talk to him tonight and change the invite to ‘any film he fancies’.

Kryton, you are bang on. The way he is at the moment the ‘gersture’ will be deemed only half way there as you say. I am making the gesture as it fits in with his siter and mother being away.

Kids sure are complicated.

My son isn’t taking this very well at all. He is being pretty nasty to me about me only caring about my daughter

At that age that’s inexcusable. He’s more than old enough to understand your issues – so you have to explain it to him. If he’s still lashing out, then you need to teach him how to deal with the disappointment he feels.

Small update on this. We went to the cinema and had a great evening. Gave him the choice and he chose Jurassic anyhow. Had some quality lads time and everything good.

Been away with the wife to a wedding so had a long weekend away from the kids (1st time in 12yrs). Havent taken the daughter climbing and she was pestering me to take her so was feeling a bit torn when my lad texted me at work to ask if I fancied a kickabout when I got home from work.

In the end I met my daughter straight from work at the wall and did a couple of hours with her, then home, got changed and went for a kickabout with son. Paying for it now though.

Have decided to let my son get on with things with regards to his football. He is not going to be professional so he may as well just enjoy it as he sees fit. If and when I can have a kickabout with him I will. Might just buy a set of goalie gloves, last nights crossbar challenge hurt like hell (I won 10-3)

Another quick update on this. Just returned from a family holiday and my son seems very taken with table tennis. We have had a couple of sessions at the local fitness centre and we suddenly have something we both enjoy that I can do without needing a weeks recovery. I won’t let him beat me but he is close enough in ability to make the games great fun. Finally something we can both do that he has some spark about him.

Glad to hear it!

Sounds pathetic but it’s been a nightmare trying to find something that we can both do that doesn’t put me in pain for a week. i had forgotten how much fun table tennis is when you get your game going.

Fingers crossed it’s a long term interest