Should I go and see my Dad

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  • Should I go and see my Dad
  • Taff
    Member

    I think what ever you decide you will always ask yourself what if you had done the opposite. I saw my grandfather after he passed away and was with my grandmother. Unfortunately those are the last memories I have of them where as it should have been other times. I decuided with my Nana that I wouldn’t go and see her and I would say my farewells at the ceremony. I feel happier with that but it’s a very personal thing.

    tails
    Member

    Thanks for your advice people, I shall have a think about it as I have a feeling both decisions are wrong and right! I feel as if I have grieved for him 3 times, one when he got it, once when I knew he was dying and once when he died. I don’t really want to see him not breathing and lifeless but I would like to see him with his arms and legs stretched out as dementia left him in a fetus position for much of his illness. One of the worst thoughts is thinking some other poor sod is now laying in that care home with their family visiting, hoping it will get better.

    Big Dave
    Member

    Very sorry for your loss.

    I got to see my mum only a few minutes after she had died (I had been with her earlier in the day thankfully) but after that I didn’t want to see her in the chapel of rest.

    It is a very personal decision to make whether or not to see your dad and it is impossible for me to say what would be the right thing to do. I didn’t want to see my mum as it simply wasn’t her anymore and I don’t regret it at all. I know she would have understood.

    stratobiker
    Member

    Sorry to hear about your dad.

    There’s no need to go and see him. He’ll be with you whenever you want to talk to him, always. It will upset you if you do, but you already know that. Only you can decide.

    Bon Courage.

    SB

    timc
    Member

    there is no right answer, do what feels comfortable & right & dont worry about it at a later date.

    I have done both in the past & what you learn is, it doesnt change your memory of the good times & of the person.

    Big Dave
    Member

    Whether or not you do go to see your dad I would recommend getting together as many photos of him as possible. My dad and I did that after my mum passed away and it was a great comfort to be able to see her in happier times.

    markenduro
    Member

    Tails,
    Sorry for your loss.
    It is a difficult decision to have to make but go with what feels right for you.
    I really struggled to make the decision but went to see my dad, he had suffered for a long time and the last I saw of him alive was hooked up to numerous drips and other medical stuff in the hospital.
    At the funeral home the funeral people had made a really good job of making him look well, just like he was asleep and he looked as peaceful as I had seen him in a couple of years so it was a good thing for me on the whole, although I knew that everything that was him had left the building.

    Keep smiling.
    Mark

    qwerty
    Member

    If I go and see him it might upset me and if I don’t it might upset me

    dude, your fathers died, its ok to be upset, cry, grieve…

    follow your gut instinct and don’t judge yourself either way now or in the future

    skywalker
    Member

    So my lovely dad passed away on xmas day after a 2 year battle with alzheimer’s disease. His funeral is this friday, my mum, brother and sister went to see him after he had passed away at his care home and said he looked peaceful.

    He is now at the funeral directors, I’m unsure whether to see him, he was very skinny when he died. Will he be in a sheet or in a freezer?? If I go and see him it might upset me and if I don’t it might upset me.

    My dad passed away last year. My mum and sister went to see him at the funeral directors and they said they wished they hadn’t. I didn’t go to see him and haven’t regretted it TBH.

    Do what you feels right.

    I had the option of being with my Dad when he died (he was “unplugged”). But I had no desire/apetitie to see him dying / dead. So simply left the hospital after having said goodbye. I sometimes wonder, but I know it was the right decision for me.

    Unfortunately the only person that can make the decision (and know whether it was the right one or not) is you.

    All the best at this difficult time.

    Premier Icon kilo
    Subscriber

    Had to go to a removal service in Kerry a few years ago for an Uncle I was close to. At this neighbours and freinds come to the house or funeral home to pay their repects, commiserate with you for your loss, etc before the coffin goes to the church for funeral next day. That was nice for us, my father – his brother was back for the first time in years and it was a good going away. I was not keen on the open casket and did not realy go to near the coffin that night and don’t regret it. I had seen him six weeks before, that was the real goodbye.

    Merak
    Member

    As others have mentioned, its a personal thing. If you want to go then do that if you dont no one will think any less of you.

    My Dad died young he was 49 I was 13 at the time. I went to see him before the funeral service. An eccentric Aunty came along with me which I will always be grateful for. That was 22 years ago she gave him a kiss and said how sad she was that he had passed away, she wasn’t teery or emotional just real and made it seem alot less stressful for me.

    It all depends on the circumstances I suppose. If your Dad was very unwell in the lead up to his death then I can see why you might be apprehensive about seeing him, in my case it was sudden (heart attack) so it gave me some closure, he left in the morning as usual but never came back.

    Sorry about your Dad mate.

    both my parents were very ill when they passed, i wanted to remember them in life and not in death so i chose not to. for me i made the right choice.

    If you think that maybe you should then do it. It’ll be fine. I went to see my brother who had died falling some stairs in Azerbyjan and had spent two weeks being autopsied and flown back to NZ. He wasnt looking his best but I’m glad I did it.

    GJP
    Member

    Very sorry for your loss.

    I went to see my mother after she passed a number of times, firstly immediately at the hospital and then every day at the funeral home before her funeral and burial.

    I didn’t upset me as far as I can remember it just gave me a sort of empty but peaceful and relaxed feeling and a little more time to say my final goodbyes.

    I am glad I went, it comforted me, and I think it helped my dad through those first few dark days.

    But when it comes to my own father will I do the same, then I honestly do not know.

    Take care.

    I saw my Dad’s body whilst he was braindead in the hospital, then later shortly after he died, and then again in the funeral home. He wasn’t there anymore, the essence of him seemed to be missing. I think it helped as he was still young (50) and full of energy before he went in for his third heart operation. I don’t associate the dead body with him at all, that was just the proof that he was gone. All the great memories live on. Very sorry to hear of your loss.

    What I was trying to say is I don’t feel you’d be going to see your Dad, you’d be going to see your Dad’s body. So whether you go or not then you’ve already seen him for the last time.

    skywalker
    Member

    What I was trying to say is I don’t feel you’d be going to see your Dad, you’d be going to see your Dad’s body. So whether you go or not then you’ve already seen him for the last time.

    Good advice that.

    Personally I would rather remember him alive and didn’t want the image of him dead in my mind, hence why I gave it a miss.

    grahamt1980
    Member

    When my dad died, I saw him about half an hour afterwards (f*cking trains) and he looked like he was dead but still himself.
    Having seen him then I did not go to the funeral directors and nor did my mum.
    I got the closure but did not wish to see him all dressed up as if he was alive but not alive (hope that makes some sort of sense).
    I am forever in the debt of one of my closest friends for telling me to see him as soon as I could then not again.

    Its an awful thing to happen but I can atleast remember him as he was not as he was dead.

    grahamt1980
    Member

    skywalker – Member

    What I was trying to say is I don’t feel you’d be going to see your Dad, you’d be going to see your Dad’s body. So whether you go or not then you’ve already seen him for the last time.

    Good advice that.

    Personally I would rather remember him alive and didn’t want the image of him dead in my mind, hence why I gave it a miss.

    +1 Totally agree with that, even if I did turn the music on his radio up so he could hear even though I knew he was gone. 🙁

    Frankenstein
    Member

    Best regards Tails.

    Hope you’re ok.

    jools182
    Member

    I wouldn’t

    Remember him how he was

    B.A.Nana
    Member

    No, from me also

    Went to see my Gran on her death bed, she was a living corpse, as near as dam it. Wish I hadn’t gone as that one short visit is the overriding thing I see in my minds eye every time I think of her. Better to be left with clear memories of the good times IMO, when he was a Dad (not flesh and bones, if you know what I mean). Doing what you are considering might just play havoc with you and your good memories.

    globalti
    Member

    Definitely go; it won’t be as bad as you fear and if you don’t, you’ll regret not saying goodbye for the rest of your life. I mean this, seriously.

    deadlydarcy
    Member

    Sorry for your loss tails.

    You know the answer to this yourself. Death is a funny old thing. We all deal with it differently and have the arrogance to think someone else should do what we did.

    You know whether you need to go and see him or not. You know.

    Make the decision and do it.

    All he best.

    freddyg
    Member

    I was holding my Mums hand when she died from Cancer back in 1990. She had looked shrunken and frail for a couple of weeks by then. I went to see her a couple of days later in her coffin and it was very upsetting.

    Even now, 21 years later, I struggle to get the picture of her in the coffin out of my head when I try and think about her. My sister had a completely different experience; she sat and chatted to her for a few minutes – I was traumatised.

    We’re all different and there is no right or wrong answer.

    Sorry to hear about your Dad.

    ohnohesback
    Member

    Whatever you choose to do, I’m afraid that your father’s funeral is another hurdle you’ll have to get over. For me my Mum’s funeral was almost as traumatic as the first ice cold shock of hearing the news of her death. As the funeral began the church bell tolled the hour and it really did sound like the clanging chimes off doom. The last time that I saw Mum she was alive so it does come as a shock when they bring in the coffin and you realise that Mum is inside it. I felt so disconnected, numb with it all. It was hard for me to sing those half-remembered hymns from way back in the misty past of wooden-floored school assemblies as I was too busy crying, and I wasn’t ashamed to do so, in fact I’m watery eyed right now reliving it. I’m not religious in the conventional sense, and nor was Mum, but the vicar who was known to us did his best to have an uplifting service. Though at the end when he offered her soul to heaven I didn’t think in the words of the Beatles ‘All the lonely people’ “No one was saved…” I just felt that she’d already long departed to wherever she was going and is still.

    Some general points about grief. You can’t hold it in, and it’s unhealthy to do so, so don’t be afraid to let it out, and you will, often and copiously. You probably realise this, but you are a different person as a result of this, accept it. They say that time is a healer, I’m not sure about that. Time does distance you from the rawness of the event but you’ll find that when you think that you have somehow learned to cope, the deep wound to your soul can open and become tender once more. I’ve found that you don’t ‘come to terms’ (what a ridiculous phrase that is!) with it, or ‘get over it’, but you do learn to live with it, to do as the chinese phrase says ‘eat bitterness’.

    Everyone is affected by grief differently. I’d recommend reading this book http://www.amazon.co.uk/Youll-Get-Over-Rage-Bereavement/dp/0140236082 as an antidote to the usual self-help volumes, get it out of your local library. Don’t be afraid to talk, or seek solace wherever you feel that you will find it.

    tails
    Member

    So after being stuck at balancing point I went this morning. It was okay he looked the same as when he was ill, he could have been asleep if I did not know. The nice lady offered to come in with me if I wanted, which I accepted and we chatted about her slightly odd job. Held his hand and said goodbye. I then left the funeral lady with the classic, hope not to see you soon.

    Anyway I need to get read for his funeral and chatting to a load of people who will be surprised I have grown taller over 10 years!

    tails
    Member

    Also my dad was a very keen gardener doing all these RHS courses and knew latin names etc. there is this plant which he never managed to bloom anyway yesterday ta-da it actually bloomed

    http://www.google.co.uk/search?q=daphne+bholua+jacqueline+postill&hl=en&prmd=imvnso&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=CREQT8XsNceo8QPE292CBA&sqi=2&ved=0CEsQsAQ&biw=1280&bih=623

    hels
    Member

    Best of luck mate. Funerals are pretty bad, my dad’s was over pretty quick as I recall, cried lots but was also pleased to see so many people there, so weird mix of emotions (boo hoo, oh, hi thanks for coming, boo hoo, lovely to see you etc etc).

    And making about 5 million cups of tea over about 5 days, surprised the jug didn’t explode. All keeps you busy.

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