Sigh 🙁

CBA with anonymous logins or anything.

We’ve run our course. It’s amicable, we’re still talking, both want to be adults about everything and the kids come first. We’re simply mismatched as a couple. Both want to stay away from solicitors and mediation as much as possible.

I’m looking at buying out mrsmf from the mortgage. A 50:50 asset split is straightforward enough for us with this option, she walks with a pile of cash, I stay on in the house. It could also go the other way around.

Current expectation is she will be the primary caregiver to our two boys. There will probably be an every-other-weekend type arrangement in place.

Looking for thoughts on how income support could or would pan out. It’s a bit of a minefield by the sound of it. Can we agree between ourselves (if we can agree)? Are there any standard calculator type things out there? What potholes and beartraps are there to watch out for?

Here’s a link to the government’s child maintenance calculator, I used their service to receive £11.64 a week from the father of my 2 kids. You can calculate the real cost yourself, including the extra rent or mortgage required to house them, transport, feed…
I hope it works out amicably

https://www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

thanks faerie. I hope it will.

child maintenance is perhaps the easy one to figure out.

any views on what the spousal maintenance could look like?

Married or not? It makes a difference

Personally I would be looking at binding arbitration myself I think

Suggest you get an initial session with family lawyer; ask if they offer free initial consultation?
No doubt others will be along to say family lawyers are unscrupulous/thieving bastards etc.
I’m not of the legal fraternity but am very much in favour of being both informed and prepared.

tj, yes, 10 yrs

pointer on binding arbitration is good, we’re not at a dispute (yet) and hope to agree a sensible figure before anything goes that way

Lol @ spousal maintenence, I’m impressed by your enlightenment. My ex doesn’t even cover school lunches never mind loss of earnings due to parental responsibilities

Personally I would be looking at binding arbitration myself I think

For many disputes in life I would agree – but at present the OP and the other party are not actually in dispute. The problem with BINDING arbitration is it could actually define a resolution that neither party is happy with but both are stuck with. In any case legal advice does make sense – not because you need a lawyer to sort it out, but because you both need some reality on the situation if it does start to go wrong. A “friend” or future partner can suddenly plant ideas in either side that the seemingly amicable solution is not fair, and thats when it gets bitter.

Legally, things vary depending on whether you are married, iirc, though obviously you want to do the right thing.

Amicable or not, make sure any final agreement is legally final and bullet proof. A colleague has just been hammered again by his ex, several years down the line, for a share of an inheritance and pensions that he thought had been tied down already. He’s had to postpone his retirement.

Yeah, I’ve read that some couples have kind of arranged things “informally” which sounds like it keeps the door wide open for things to go pear shaped.

Is there a big disparity in your incomes? If not, there may be no reason for any spousal maintenance to be payable.

Take home is around 3:1, I’m full time career, she’s currently part time.

I’m assuming (probably dangerous) at this point that maintenance will not be forever – we’re mid career age and she will have the capacity to work full time like everyone else has to (at the point when the kids are old enough of course).

mrmonk – to re-iterate my earlier comment ^^^ get legal advice from a properly qualified source.
Rather than post here, spend some time checking out local family lawyers and try to get an initial free consultation; neither you nor mrsmonk can foresee the future.
In my view, you should be focussed on protecting your interests and those of your children.
House, pensions, other assets, debts are some of the hard practical considerations; a lawyer will give you a clear, dispassionate view of the law and your obligations; will also help to manage expectations.
Be very clear about access to children; too often, that is done on trust which then evaporates – for various reasons – with predictable painful consequences.
Hope you get through this without too many problems.

Couple of things to be aware of from experience.
Payments for child maintenance take into consideration how often the child / children will stay with you as you’ll be deemed the ‘absent parent’. If I’m not mistaken, the CSA or whatever they are called now, take a deduction for processing any claim, therefore, I’d suggest you agree a suitable amount between you and your estranged wife and make ALL payments to her by bank transfer. That way you have a record of payments made. My ex tried to **** me over with that one until I provided my lawyer with bank statements.

As mentioned above, get something in writing regarding contact with the kids. Unfortunately, that may require the involvement of lawyers which will have a cost involved, however, it may be small price to pay to ensure you see your kids.

Also, be prepared for so called ‘friends’ to whisper in her ear which may prompt lawyers becoming involved.

CSA has calculator to work out child support… if you pay the amount they say direct to ex with no issues it’s a free service… if you’re a dick and they have to extract the money from you you pay an extra 20% and the ex loses some (10% poss) as an incentive to be amicable! Defo get a solicitor… I didn’t as thought being reasonable and going along with her would pay dividends long term…. IT DOESN’T SO PROTECT YOURSELF!

Why avoid mediation? Their job is to help you work stuff out , time with the children, financial arrangements etc… it doesn’t have to be adversarial, and it doesn’t cost a lot, certainly a fraction of solicitors’ costs.
My ex and I, non-amibacle split tho’ we get on well now, went to mediation and the mediator took all the emotional heat out of it and just calmly expalained what the guidelines were and how we could reach an agreement. You may be amicable now but I’ve seen it get very angry from that starting position.
Good luck.

Hughstew, if that question was to me – then mediation and binding arbitration are two very different things. Mediation is probably a sensible approach, but is not binding at least until you both know the outcome and sign up to it. Binding arbitration is an agreement to let someone else decide and be bound to that decision before you’ve heard the outcome (and with Little course for appeal).

FFS use a solicitor.

Get legal advice. It used to annoy the hell out of me fixing typos in their letters, but it’s worth it in the long run as things are set in stone.

I walked away from the family house, as was my choice, with no money. It protected my pensions etc.

I would love to know how someone ended up paying 11 pound odd a week. I was £750 a month until recently for my two, and that included me buying all clothes etc. for when they were with me (8 days a month).

On a positive spin, things will work out with your kids as hard as it is to begin with. Me and mine have a great relationship and they love the split time.

I am is Scotland so things may differ for you.

Hope it works out!

Long time ago (late 90s) I voluntarily paid £3k+ per month until I found out ex was rocking off on holiday and leaving my three children in care of one of her mates.
When I pulled the plug on that level of support she went batshit mental; I then paid absolute minimum as assessed by CSA as it then was.
She and CSA brought claim in respect of alleged non-payment of support for my daughter – youngest of children.
I disputed and claim was dismissed. Didn’t stop CSA from writing periodically about arrears; response every time – go read file you f**kwits.
Few months ago a letter from CSA – we are writing off unpaid arrears. Response – I have overpaid for years; no arrears are due; go insert your case file into your fundament.
At time of last CSA letter my daughter was 27!!!!
Get a solicitor.

If last post refers to CPA, it should say CSA.

Appreciated the replies, all. We know we will need solicitors to finalise things. We know we will need advice. Not planning to avoid that part at all. I think I may have mis-phrased my opening post a bit. What we don’t want is forced arbitration with lots of time spent wasting our savings. No objection at all to paying for a divorce service with signed agreements at the end of it.

FB77 that’s about where I’m expecting to end up, similar payments and split. My wife may not want the family home though, it is relatively high maintenance, not ideal for a single parent to operate, too much mortgage unless her parents step in or she goes on a mortgage holiday while selling it. Downside is nothing within either of our near-future financial reaches is available in the same area (we moved in large part because of the school). I could probably keep it on for a stretch but I would be looking to sell ASAP and downsize a bit, I guess I’m more flexible on location.

mrmonkfinger, that sounds like a sensible approach. While I can see the advantage of binding arbitration it may come across as a bit confrontational and I’ve no idea what the costs are. If things get nasty you can use a solicitor, but let’s hope you don’t need to. Good luck.