Resolve my moral dilemma

I/we are almost certain what we are going to do, but I thought I would give you fine folk a chance to confirm we are taking the right path, or to change our minds.

Fun facts for context:
* We’ve 2 kids 12 and 9
* My wife and I work full time. She works in a school, term time only position, so no real chance of booking something in term time.
* My sister is 2.5 hrs drive away from my parents and is also pregnant, due to give birth in July. She also has a clingy 2 year old. I am 1hr away. Far more difficult for my sister to provide support than for me.
* My parents have generally been extremely supportive of us. However we are very different people, my parents are insular and right wing wheras we are more outgoing and liberal. Has led to an undercurrent of friction (but not blazing rows) in the past.

Here’s the scenario in chrolological order.

Back in October the wife and I decided to book a big family holiday for the Easter school holiday first 2 weeks of April 2019. Biggest holiday for years. Due to the amount of work we both do, we decided to push the boat out and book a quite expensive really, really nice 4* all inclusive. We’ve been finding the daily grind something we need to get away from and this was something to look forward to.
We even bought the kids some christmas presents to use on the holiday (snorkels, flippers, swimming trunks etc – lots of great snorkelling/diving at the resort).

Fast forward to Christmas and my dad complaining of sight issues, goes to see doctor in January, initially diagnosis probably a mild stroke.

Further investigation this week – aggressive brain tumour. Due to very poor prognosis for recovery my parents have decided not to treat. Estimated 2.5 months to live.

Gutted about my Dad obviously, not ashamed to say I have cried a lot. However there are also knock on implications leading to my dilemma:

This means that our holiday is booked for exactly when my mum and dad will -probably- need the most support.

Holiday was insured as soon as we bought it, so should be able to claim for refund if we do not go. However, if we DO go, then emergency repatriation costs won’t be paid as we now have knowledge of Dad’s condition.

What to do?

If we DO go
I won’t be there to support my parents when they will -probably- need me most. Also how will this feel to them, us jetting off at this moment?
I am also unlikely to enjoy myself very much (worry, guilt) however my feelings are only of secondary importance and the wife and kids may be less affected
The worst case of any scenarios is my dad dying just after we have left, and we have to either wait it out or repatriate at our own cost. ££££££. That really would be an apalling situation.

If we DONT
We are missing out big time on all we had looked forward to for the past 5 months.
The beautiful irony is that thinking about the best times I had with my dad, it was when we did things together as a family. His death will cause us to miss out on new memories with our own family if we do not go.
There is a reasonably good chance that they actually don’t really need us that much at the start of April, and we miss out on this trip for no benefit to my parents.
Maybe my Dad hangs on a lot longer than 2.5 months (I have a hunch he’ll hang on a lot longer) and we spend all spring and into the summer in limbo, having missed a trip we could have taken.
Additionally, if I keep the holiday time back at work intending to use it later in the year, most of our friends are away on their own holidays in Easter. My MIL is also having a knee replacement at this time so her parents won’t be up for doing anything around then to ease the burden of the holidays on my wife either.
The wife will be (understandably) climbing the walls after 2 weeks of boredom and dealing with fighting boys, when we could have been on a fantastic holiday. It’s a melting pot for future resentment.
If we don’t go then there is a slight mitigation that we could do something shorter, cheaper, and probably in the UK. But it will still be a mega disappointment.

So: WWSTWD ?

If I was your Dad I’d be telling you to go.

Saw my folks today and slightly, kind of, broached the issue. I have not let on how big a holiday / dilemma it is, as they have their own shizzle to worry about and I’m avoiding adding to that. To claim on the insurance we need them to get the GP to fill out a document.

Anyway, I was half expecting them to say what you said – i.e. ‘GO’ but they didn’t. All they said was ‘are you sure’ ? It’s a nuanced difference, but I think this is their way of saying that they would prefer me to be around.

Sorry should have put that int he story really.

If I was your Dad I’d be telling you to go.
This +1

There will be plenty more opportunities to go on nice holidays.

Spend the time with your parents, you’ve plenty of time to take the holiday when you’ll be able to actually enjoy it without guilt or grief

I would claim on the insurance and have the holiday another time. To put it bluntly, holidays will still be there in a year. Your dad probably won’t be (from what you’ve said)

Its not really your Dad that will be needing the support but your Mum, and even if he doesn’t die right then he will be ill and your mum will be needing you. More than you need a holiday I would think.
Sorry if that sounds harsh, and sorry for what your whole family is going through.

sorry about your Dad, but there is no dilemma here – cancel your holiday, you will need to support your mum whether he is still alive or not by then. Maybe look at taking your mum away with you later in the year.

Thanks everyone for reading, please keep the opinions coming!

Know what you mean about my mum. Definitely as worried for her (or maybe more worried) than I am for my dad.

Don’t go. Spend time making more memories with your parents.

No dilemma. Cancel. Be there for them.

How is this even a question?.

Thanks everyone for reading, please keep the opinions coming!
Know what you mean about my mum. Definitely as worried for her (or maybe more worried) than I am for my dad.

This post makes it sound like you want more people to say… go on holiday, nothing to see here.

We are missing out big time on all we had looked forward to for the past 5 months.
The beautiful irony is that thinking about the best times I had with my dad, it was when we did things together as a family. His death will cause us to miss out on new memories with our own family if we do not go.
There is a reasonably good chance that they actually don’t really need us that much at the start of April, and we miss out on this trip for no benefit to my parents.
Maybe my Dad hangs on a lot longer than 2.5 months (I have a hunch he’ll hang on a lot longer) and we spend all spring and into the summer in limbo, having missed a trip we could have taken.
Additionally, if I keep the holiday time back at work intending to use it later in the year, most of our friends are away on their own holidays in Easter. My MIL is also having a knee replacement at this time so her parents won’t be up for doing anything around then to ease the burden of the holidays on my wife either.
The wife will be (understandably) climbing the walls after 2 weeks of boredom and dealing with fighting boys, when we could have been on a fantastic holiday. It’s a melting pot for future resentment.

Wow, you’re either a troll or a terribly self centered person/son.

My Dad was diagnosed with AML back in February 2018 and his prognosis was 6-12 weeks. Parents cancelled their Norwegian cruise as they didn’t feel they could go due to that time frame. Lost all monies due to an ‘unforseen illness clause’ in their insurance.. however as of right now, hes still alive.
So, I’d be advising your insurer, prepping your wife, kids and family that you might not be going but certainly wouldn’t be cancelling anything just yet – does it make any difference if you cancel now or later if you do it through insurance, but if you are inside your cxl period for the travel agent then you might get 50% from them, the rest from insurance?
I think there’s more scope for future family resentment if you scrap the whole plan right now and he ends up ticking along or even departing early.

Wow, you’re either a troll or a terribly self centered person/son.

No need for that in this scenario.

I read your post but haven’t read the replies …don’t go .
I was brought up by my grandparents until the age of six ..so very close ..I missed seeing both of them by hours before they died .
My mother had all kinds of medical complications and died relatively young aged 69 ..again I got a call from work to say she was in hospital and she died while I was on the way there ..
I still have huge regrets to this day that I never was there for them ..
Family first ..always .
Everything else can wait …

The last few months of my dad’s life were really rough.

Between my brother and I one of us was pretty much camped out there the whole time just to help with care.

Those few lucid moments in that time will forever be precious to me. We didn’t agree about a lot, but he was a good man and that’s what shone through.

I believe there are a couple of ways of looking at this:

If you go, I can guarantee you’ll be always thinking about your parents and not enjoying your holiday. You’ll probably call them a few times, they’ll sound like they need a hand and there’s absolutely nothing (within reason) you can do until your flight home). In the mean time all you can do is sit and worry.

You can always rebook the holiday. Can’t always do that with parents, unfortunately.

Worst case, you’re in the dog house got a couple of days/weeks till you book the replacement holiday…..or you go away for the weekend to somewhere like centre parks, to keep everyone happy until you go on your full holiday.

Agree with the no dilemma, cancel and support (mainly your mum).

Third option you stay at home whilst your wife and kids go on the holiday. Whether you go or not could be left to a few days before the holiday – if you do not go you would lose your part of the holiday cost.

I did this ten years when my mum was dying from cancer. The circumstances were a bit different from the OP’s though as the holiday was with my wifes extended family so she was not on her own with two kids.

You can’t cancel a holiday via insurance because your Dad might be ill.

Unfortunately you will need to wait until nearer the time of the holiday and see what circumstances it brings then.

The one thing you can’t do with illness / end of life is plan, because you don’t know what will happen.

This

If you go, I can guarantee you’ll be always thinking about your parents and not enjoying your holiday. You’ll probably call them a few times, they’ll sound like they need a hand and there’s absolutely nothing (within reason) you can do until your flight home). In the mean time all you can do is sit and worry.

…and this

Agree with the no dilemma, cancel and support (mainly your mum).

(in chronologically posted order)

First thing – are you sure this sort of thing falls under the terms of cancelling a holiday?
Second thing – if yes, then maybe there’s no need to cancel until (for instance) a week or even a few days before the holiday? Let the family know it might happen and then wait and see if it’s actually necessary?

It’s untidy and not the way anyone would want a holiday or the passing of a parent to go, but as we know – life isn’t always neat and tidy.

Personally – I have learned (I’m quite old) that sometimes “The Universe” is trying to tell you something and it’s usually best to listen . . .

Not a nice situation, but I’d cancel and look do do stuff local in the holidays including your Mam and Dad as much as they are able, even if its just nice meals or a cafe. I lost my Dad (unexpectedly), and 22 years later still have regrets about things I wish we’d cleared up. One of the biggest being that the only time I remember telling him I loved him was when he’d gone.

Whizz bang holiday another time, I know my wife wouldn’t resent that and neither would I if it was the other way around.

My dad died last month, so quite fresh with me.

I’d cancel, not even a question.

How about the family go without you ?
You are then free to spend some quality time with your folks and fit some quality you time in there as well.
Edit. Mrs zips dad died as we were pulling into the airport Carpark. Posh hotel in Barbados and first class seats.
We turned around and went home.

Obviously we all approach these things differently, but IMO you are far more likely to massively regret not being there for your mum and dad at this point than you are missing out on a holiday.

How much will you enjoy it if you are constantly thinking about what’s going on back home? Chances are you will need the same holiday more in six months’ time.

Best wishes, won’t be easy for you, come back on here for support if you need it.

As someone who’s dad passed away very recently, I’m glad I spent his last 3 days by his side. He was unconscious through but I know I’d be feeling differently if that was otherwise.

That said, I didn’t have a once in a lifetime holiday booked! But I suspect if things go wrong when you’re away, your holiday might not be nearly as enjoyable as planned and it’ll be a bad memory.

There isn’t a right or a wrong here and everyone has a different relationship with their folks (to all those who have great relationships with their parents, I really am very happy for you).

Personally, I would look at the cancellation clause of the insurance and wait a little while to see how your Dad and Mam are doing, are they coping ? is your Dad deteriorating ? and then make a decision.

I didn’t fly home from the ski season when my Dad died recently but I did come back for the funeral to support my brother and his family and say goodbye to him.

The chances are whatever you do you will feel guilty, if you stay and miss the trip you’ll feel guilty about everyone missing a great holiday and if you go you’ll worry and feel guilty about your parents. It is a crap situation to be in.

If I was your dad, I’d be telling you to go (I hate people fussing over me); if I was you, I’d be cancelling holiday as family comes first.
That is based on me though and my own experiences.

Not even a dilema. Cancel and be there for your parents.

Cancel. It’s just a 2 week package holiday. Go next year.

As others have said, cancel the holiday.
It is only a holiday and the kids are young enough to do it all next year.

Although you may not get on perfectly with your folks, you said that you’d be a little on edge going with the knowledge that something could happen.

This alone will likely spoil the holiday for you and your family, so it isn’t going to be the holiday of dreams anyway.

You only have one dad and he’ll only die once; it would be a shame to miss it.
Sorry for the flippant and insensitive way that sounds.

Cancel the big trip abroad whilst you can, book something for the same time on these shores and take your mum & dad with you. A proper family holiday at the seaside. It may make things easier for them too.

One of my worst childhood memories was being on day 2 of a holiday in Brittany when we got the message my father’s mother was gravely ill. Packing up and driving back to Manchester overnight (pre tunnel or m25). We got so close to being killed when my dad reacted slowly to hgv being in the wrong place. Thinking about it now I can’t imagine what it must have been like to be in my dad’s position knowing his mother was dying (complicated by his sister who had lost her husband out of the blue only 2 weeks previously in his 30s being the only person there to provide support until he got there) desperately tired but driven to try and get back. Sitting in the back of the car watching him and the emotions going across his face is a memory that will stay with me.

Don’t go. Be there for your mum and dad. Sent your family off on the holiday if it takes the pressure off you. Hope it goes as well as it can.

scotroutes

Member
If I was your Dad I’d be telling you to go.

So would I. But if I was your “wife” I’d be telling you no way!

I lost both my grandfather’s a few years ago and I delayed the opportunity to go and visit them; I missed visiting one of them by 3 days. Those are my 2 true regrets, especially as we are a close family.

Don’t try and use the holiday to escape from reality as you’ll feel doubly guilty, once for not being there for your parents (even if your Dad hangs on) and once for trying to escape it.

Are you able to re-book the holiday for the summer so you can still go this year? You’ll earn more money, you don’t get second parents.

The thing about life is that you never know how you are going to feel until you get there.
You might think this holiday is important but really it isn’t.

To illustrate I offer a contrasting scenario with reflective results.

My mother (parents long divorced) was a disturbed person who made mine and my siblings lives a misery.
She desperately tried to inveigle her way into your life and then destroy it from the inside.
In latter years my strategy involved seeing her on my terms, once month, paying off whatever bill she presented, taking her out for dinner and having a “lovely” time. She hated it because she could exercise zero control over me. I really did not have any feelings for her and really only had any relationship with her out of a sense of duty.

She had cancer several times and was in remission when my partner and I decided on a RTW trip for a year before we started on making babies.
We had discussion about what we would do if mother got ill again whilst we were away and I surmised that she would probably survive until we got back and if not, well tough shit.

About 7 months in to our trip, we were in India, I got the surprise email that she was in hospital, dying from cancer and would likely only last a few days. My sisters pleaded for me to come back. It turns out that she was ill before we left but the rest of my family kept it from us as they knew how important our trip was, we had been saving for 10 years.

I had a huge urge to go home. I saw her on her hospital bed weak and dying of pneumonia. She half heartedly tried to apologise to me for a multitude of things but I shushed her, I felt that many of her previous horrific actions seemed meaningless in the light of her current state. She was surrounded by her big family and died 24 hrs after I got back.

At the funeral I didn’t cry and felt pretty neutral. Now 15 years later I can truly say a few facts:
1) I don’t think I could have forgiven myself if I had not seen her
2) More importantly I was there with the rest of my family, we all rely on each other in so many ways, some are stronger than others, some are richer than others, some are kinder than others (its a big fam). They wanted me there.
3) I don’t miss her in the slightest and do not think I ever really loved her.

TLDR: My advice to you is that even me, as a cold hearted scumbag who never loved his evil Mum needed to see her at the end, for her sake, for my sake and for my families sake.
You will regret it bitterly. Claim the insurance and plan a new trip after you have been able to see your Dad at peace.

poly

Member

scotroutes

Member

If I was your Dad I’d be telling you to go.

So would I. But if I was your “wife” …

#strangestboner

My brother in law was diagnosed with terminal cancer in July 2016 and wasn’t expected to see Xmas that year. He’s still with us and doing fine.

Are you able to re-book the holiday for the summer so you can still go this year?

The thing is though that these prognoses are not an exact science.
I have lost 3 friends to brain tumours over the years. All were given less than six months; one survived about 2 weeks, one about 18 months and one about 3 years (albeit being in a care home for 1 of those years).

It’s that uncertainty that makes it such a dilemma for el_boufador.