Relationshiptrackworld….saying no to children = saying goodbye to my OH

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  • Relationshiptrackworld….saying no to children = saying goodbye to my OH
  • Three_Fish
    Member

    Why would having children be a mistake?
    Why do you want a partner if you didn’t select them to have your children? What is her role in your life?

    Premier Icon andyfla
    Subscriber

    You are both very young for this, plenty of people, myself included, didnt want kids at 25 but by 35 we had them .

    No idea what to say to your other half but wait and see ?

    Premier Icon andyfla
    Subscriber

    Kids are ace, screw your life up, but its great fun

    Premier Icon ton
    Subscriber

    kids are fantastic, and are the making of most men.
    we as humans are born with reproductive organs…….use them for what they are intended for.

    walla24
    Member

    three fish: her role in my life is…we make each other happy, we are travel companions and general best friends in daily life.

    I think that perhaps for me, having kids would be too much of a sacrifice of time and freedom. I am not wealthy so would have to work mad hours to support children, I couldn’t travel and do lots of things which I enjoy at the moment…all of which could make our relationship worse.

    I appreciate that in 5-10 years I may mellow, settle and have a completely different opinion….but I don’t have the luxury of waiting and seeing! I need to know within the next year really.

    wanmankylung
    Member

    If she would leave you because you are unsure if you will want kids in the future then she’s not the one to be spending the rest of your life with.

    walla24
    Member

    I fear equally- saying no, losing the ‘one’ and changing my mind towards kids naturally in the future…but she will be long gone
    – saying yes to kids but never changing my mind towards kids…then not enjoying having kids but being committed to having them.

    scuttler
    Member

    Eight years to doss around and spend cash with impunity seems fine to me. In that time a lot could happen including you deciding kids aren’t so bad (positive) and her running off with your best mate (negative). You’re thinking too hard about it and need to just go with the flow because all things considered you seem to be in an excellent place (and I don’t mean Chile but that is ace too).

    walla24
    Member

    wanmankylung- I think expecting anyone to chose a person over a maternal desire to have kids is a bit of an unfair battle?
    At the moment it ‘feels’ more my choice to stay or go, but it means having to make a decision about a future I can’t see into.

    warton
    Member

    you can’t guarantee anything in life, but i’m pretty sure by the time you are 30 you’ll be ready for kids. spend the next 5 years doing what you want to do, and putting a bit of money aside, so you don’t have to stop doing those things when the kids come along.

    having kids is hard, really really **** hard, but it’s an incredible ride, one i wouldn’t change for all the money in the world.

    gonefishin
    Member

    Decisions always have consequences. If you decide you don’t want kids then your consequence is to split with your current gf. Alternatively you could decide to have kids with her with the potential of it being a huge mistake an you end up regretting it for years to come.

    You have to decide what, on balance, is best (or possibly just least bad) for you.

    walla24
    Member

    scuttler- yeah you are right, we are very very lucky to have what we have.
    I also agree that in the next 8 years I may change my mind, my trouble is that I need to somehow know this now! Impossible

    wanmankylung
    Member

    Having kids doesn’t stop you having free time or money to travel. It does however give you some other people to show the world to and share your love of travelling with. It’s challengingly magnificent.

    walla24
    Member

    gonefishin- precisely my problem, thanks for reading the story.
    Not really sure what I’m looking for, but at the moment I can’t decide

    Premier Icon Pawsy_Bear
    Subscriber

    Lots of people see the issue in terms of their own happiness. Don’t forget the most important people in this ‘is the children’ thier happiness and the impact you and your partner will have on them. They don’t get a vote.

    Mister P
    Member

    I would wager there are more folk who regret not having kids than those who regret having them. I didn’t think I ever wanted to be a dad but I love my daughter and the bond we have. Don’t throw something good away.

    Premier Icon MoreCashThanDash
    Subscriber

    You are quite young, but it’s good that you are talking about it. I didn’t think I wanted kids at 25. Wasn’t sure at 34 when the first arrived, but was the best thing to happen to me.

    Every relationship has to deal with theses kind of crunch issues. Only you know the answer. If she’s The One, kids with her could be amazing, but the relationship will evolve when you have kids.

    Premier Icon cloudnine
    Subscriber

    Having children isn’t the end of your life.
    It closes some doors but opens new ones.
    5 or 10 years down the line you may change your mind anyway.
    Nobody is really ready to have them.. You have no real idea what it’s like or how it’s going to affect your life until you get home from the hospital with your first born and you haven’t got a clue what to do with a baby.

    I can easily see how having children drives couples apart too.. It’s stressful and relentlessly tiring at times. But it also has its magical moments which draw you closer to your partner.

    I wouldn’t get too hung up over the planning of children down the line as you never know what’s round the next corner. Maybe your gf is feeling a bit insecure about the future and is looking for some commitment from you…

    spekkie
    Member

    I have kids, grown up now.

    I know plenty of people whose life choice was not to have kids. They are happy and in relationships with partners who also don’t want kids. They enjoy each other’s company as much as people with kids enjoy each other’s company, but they didn’t feel the need to procreate. Making babies isn’t the only reason to get into or stay in a relationship.

    gonefishin
    Member

    Walla, it’s a decision that I’ve been presented with, I’m a fair bit older than you, but I’m smart enough to to know that my decision isn’t the right decision for others so I’ll not tell you what to do and you should be very wary of taking advice from anyone.

    alpin
    Member

    Mate of mine has had two break-ups in the past five years due to this.

    And I admire him for it.

    I’m not one for wanting kids. Thought I did until a good friend got his GF pregnant. His life got turned upside down in a very short space of time. Although he never says directly he wishes he didn’t have to be a father, I know through conversations that he isn’t overly happy about being tied down,not being able to make decisions about his life without having to take his son into account (this goes for day-to-day activities such as “should I have another beer?” or “should I go for a ride?”.

    My GF is 33. Many of her friends have at least one sprog, both our sisters have kiddies. Fortunately she says that she can’t see herself in that position. Theoretically I’ve another 2-3 years till I’m over the metaphorical hump that is her biological clock. I’ve already told her that she should leave if she does get broody as I’m not the one to (willingly) provide her with a baby.

    Whatever decision you make will be hard, but make sure you make the right one for you.

    Premier Icon lunge
    Subscriber

    Warton puts it well there. 2 kids by 35 means you’ve potentially got 8 years, you’ll both be very different people by then, views and priorities change, I know mine did (I’m 35 now, no kids if that makes any difference). Also, do bear in mind that relationships happen a lot quicker in your 30’s, you could part ways at 30 and she could still get what she wants without it being overly rushed.

    I think you’re over thinking it, stay with her, relax, enjoy your 20’s and worry about it in 4 or 5 years.

    loddrik
    Member

    Never wanted kids, but I love the wife so I did it to make her happy. I had a great life before. Fast forward 10 years and I have two girls aged 5 & 9 and they are the best thing I could ever imagine. I gave up my career and abandoned all my friends so I can spend all my spare time with them whilst they are young. Don’t regret it one iota.

    I hate other people’s kids but you really can’t describe how great your own are.

    Also, very few people honestly regret having them.

    Premier Icon Cougar
    Subscriber

    For balance,

    There are many, many fine women in the world. It’s the hardest thing in the world to do, but if you don’t want kids then you’d be doing her a favour by walking away now rather than stringing her along for another ten years.

    I hate other people’s kids but you really can’t describe how great your own are.

    Children are like farts. Your own are a thing of constant wonder and hilarity. Those of other people are disgusting. 🙂

    OP, as others have said, there’s no right answer. I wouldn’t be without my beloved kids now, can’t imagine life without them. Equally, I have friends who decided that it wasn’t for them, and they can’t imagine life with kids.

    The best thing you can do here is to talk to her. Being a “travel companion” isn’t all that. Being a life companion is, and if you really don’t want kids at all, and she does, cut and run. If you’re still not sure, talk. Then talk some more. Oh, and then keep talking with her.

    Premier Icon nickc
    Subscriber

    Don’t be in too much of rush to make a decision about it, splitting up so that she can find some-one else to have children with is, frankly, a bit of a lame reason. You’ll be unhappy, and so will she. Let’s be honest here, you’d need to be with some-one for what? 5-10 years before being sure to have kids with some-one, and that’s you.

    Be honest with each other about it. Have the discussion regardless of it’s difficulties, make no promises, but rule nothing out.

    Best of luck.

    chewkw
    Member

    ^^^ as per Cougar.

    Let her go if you enjoy your life style coz you are not ready yet.

    You may meet someone while traveling then by that time you might have changed your mind to settle down in a paradise resort but you are still searching …

    For her it’s time to settle down coz she is ready and if she miss this time frame it would be very difficult for her.

    🙂

    edit: if you need 5-10 years to decide if that is the right person then you got the wrong person. I have seen couples who have been together for 10 years only for the man to decide she was not for him … she was heartbroken and left for good. My cousin’s cousin … a ZM.

    Premier Icon andy4d
    Subscriber

    At 25 I didnt want kids…but was never against having them in the future. Got married and never felt the time was right for kids due to work or money. I then realised the time is never right, but I am now 40+, have 2 kids and wouldnt change a thing. You never know about the future so dont throw it away if you have a good thing going, hang on in there and see what happens.
    35 is 10 years away, what did you want when you were 15…..who know what you will want at 35, 45, 55 etc. Just be happy as you never know when it will all end or go tits up.

    Why do you want a partner if you didn’t select them to have your children? What is her role in your life?

    So your’e saying you shouldn’t have a partner, who could possibly be the best thing ever in your life, if you don’t want kids?

    What a crock of shite.

    My gf initially shared this opinion

    Now things have changed. What if you had kids & realised it wasn’t for you, what would you do then? Stay & be unhappy? Or leave & make the kids/spouse unhappy? As in what PawsyBear said.
    MOST people are happy with kids, some are not. As I said in the other thread my mate & his Mrs are very happy, very well off & very free.
    Do what YOU think is right & not what people on here tell you to do cos everyone’s different.

    Ramsey Neil
    Member

    Think hard about what you really want . A no kids lifestyle is great for a while but there’s only so many trips abroad , round the world extravaganzas , parties , global jet setting etc that you can do and I guess that after a few years the novelty can really start to wear off . Having children opens up a whole new series of experiences , grows you as people and generally takes your life to a completely different level . Anyway if you dont have children who’s going to look after you when you’re old 😆

    Premier Icon Coyote
    Subscriber

    Having kids doesn’t stop you having free time or money to travel. It does however give you some other people to show the world to and share your love of travelling with. It’s challengingly magnificent.

    Perfectly put. Was never sure about children myself but I can honestly say that they are the best thing ever.

    TheBrick
    Member

    Very similar situation to you but 10 years down the line. Nevet managed to do the traveling but did the crap jobs until i was 30. I was always against kids but have now mellowed to the idea. I’m still not the driving force behind trying but now don’t mind.

    Things change in 10 years worry about it when it happens.

    I have two friends that went through very much what you’re describing. She wanted to have children and he didn’t, in every other respect they appeared to be the perfect match. They talked it through and decided that the issue of children was one that they wouldn’t get past and split up. That was about 7 years ago and they are both in new seemingly happy relationships and she has the children that she always wanted.

    If one of you is happy to compromise with certainty that it won’t fester into resentment then maybe that’s the way to go. If you can’t be sure of that then maybe it’s best to call it a day on the relationship and be happy that you are giving the other person the opportunity to have the life that they want.

    DT78
    Member

    4 weeks into my first child after trying for over 5 years and wondering wtf have I done. I got up at 5:30 this morning to get a ride in haven’t had a full nights sleep in a month and slept no more than an hour in a bed. But today the first time in years I laughed so hard the missus and I cried when the little blighter was being a pain and got his head stuck in his baby grow.

    My advice, which will sound harsh, you and your missus need to do a it of growing up before you start talking about kids. Galvanting about travelling is brilliant but if you need to get yourself sorted, settled and as financial secure as you can before you bring a sprog into this world. By all means keep having a laugh travelling the world, but that is almost the polar opposite of having a kid….you need to be some where closer, if that’s not for you then there is your answer. As others have said a lot can change in a few years.

    walla24
    Member

    Sorry to start another thread about this but I need to be specific.
    I appreciate your opinions and experiences, I’m not looking for an answer here more for stories of your experiences which may lead me to look at this from a different angle.

    So, I am 25, gf is 25, been together for 3 years but known each other for over 10.
    We are very lucky, we love each other and have a very good relationship in all aspects. It’s not perfect, but pretty close!
    We have spent our time together working fairly pants jobs and then using the money to travel…currently in Chile.

    I have always been of the opinion not to have kids…mainly because of what could be seen as selfish reasons like I enjoy having free time and some money to travel etc. I can’t see myself changing my mind anytime soon.

    My gf initially shared this opinion however in the last 6 months has changed her mind towards at some point needing to have children. She wants two by age 35 for biological reasons.

    With the time frame she would like to know reasonably soon whether I am the man for the job (in the nicest possible way).

    We talk openly about this.

    My problem is I face a choice
    1) agree to children in the future….be with her and be happy..but have no idea if having children will be a big mistake for me. I have no doubts of her being a good mother.
    2) realise that I don’t currently know if i want kids, I may do in the future but I can’t tell….this means we have to split so that she can have her chance to have children. I couldn’t, and would never stand in her way of having a family…leaving her would be the hardest thing I have ever done….it may also be the biggest mistake of my life.

    Sadly I can’t wait and see….I would never forgive myself if me delaying her would stop her from getting what she needs.

    The thought of not being with her feels me with more dread than anything I can imagine.

    FunkyDunc
    Member

    I didn’t want kids in my 20’s, wasn’t too bothered in my early 30’s but was more inclined. 35 and ours came.

    You are both very young, you can not say now you will never want kids, things change.

    What you should do though is say that at the minute you can’t see yourself having kids. who knows what 10 years will bring.

    chewkw
    Member

    Ramsey Neil – Member
    Anyway if you dont have children who’s going to look after you when you’re old

    The old folks home … you pay. You pay now! (Said the management) While the Filipina look on to welcome you with “Mr walla24 are you a good boy?” “Have you been a naughty boy?” While you look on but with one hand slowly creeping up her thigh … your mouth slightly open and your false teeth slightly loose and dropping … 😯

    Then when your money run dry they transfer you to another “home” but this time it is not the nice Filipina that looks after you but the “local” woman with arm the size of a body builder’s thigh. “Oi you … eat your grub while I have a fag break …” 😯

    Then when you soiled yourself they said “Look what have you done you dirty bugger, we are not here to clean your shite you know”.

    Premier Icon augustuswindsock
    Subscriber

    I’ve known loads of people who didn’t want kids and ended up having them and it’s been the best thing that ever happened to them. I was 40 when my first came along and 42 when no.2 popped out, I’d had a very full life before kids and was happy with everything I’d achieved prior to their arrival, now I realise that if they wait as long for kids as I did I’ll be in my 80’s before my grandkids come along and I’ll be peeing my pants more than the nippers and now I wish I’d had them sooner. If you love her but you let her slip through your fingers for this there will come a time that you regret it and you may well spend the rest of your days mentally kicking yourself for it!
    Let us all know what you do anyway!!

    Surely you don’t want to miss out on all the fun whingeing about not being able to afford holidays because travel prices “mysteriously” shoot up when the schools are off and everyone else with kids is trying to boom a holiday as well?

    Midnighthour
    Member

    “Why do you want a partner if you didn’t select them to have your children?”
    Can’t believe someone actually wrote, or worse, thought this!

    I would suggest you find some young children to spend some time with while making your decision – visits some friends or relatives with kids as much as possible for a while. It will give you some idea if you can find them as fun or an irritation.

    I worked with someone who accidentally fathered a child who and despite having weekly and totally voluntary contact with his child and a good friendship with her mother, was still saying 9 years later that he thought a lot of his daughter and ‘loved’ her but if he could time travel (and despite knowing who the child turned out to be), would be very happy to have eliminated her from his life and her own existence. Which is all rather sad.

    Whatever you decide, it should be said you are a hugely decent and caring person for thinking of your partners future. Well done. Quite often men procrastinates and string women along until the women are too old to have kids, then the guy dumps her and has kids with someone else, which is utterly cruel.

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