• This topic has 73 replies, 47 voices, and was last updated 1 day ago by scratch.
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  • Relationships – How many times have you
  • scratch
    Free Member

    Properly fallen for someone?

    I had a few longish relationships, one just finishing uni where we decided to move to Wales, another where I bought a house with someone, at the time they felt good and what I thought relationships were meant to feel like, support, no arguing, some stuff in common, attraction.

    Then I met someone which absolutely blew me away, they were very attractive and I thought I’d never stand a chance, but things kind of worked out and we were together for a year, i was totally in love with them (like nothing I’d had in previous times, it was like a 10 out of 10 feeling rather than a 5 or 4) they were attractive but also supportive and just really nice to be with, but things didn’t work out, wrong time wrong place in some ways.

    10 years later, countless dates and a good few relationships on, some of which were really fun, I’ve just never found the same spark, I’ve given things time in different scenarios, but nothing, I’ve been for a bit of counselling, didn’t really get me any further.

    I’m not pining after that person still, but for the feeling, in my head i’m just going to keep dating and not settling for what I had initially, but could lead to a lonely life…

    Anyone had lightning strike twice?

    cheese@4p
    Full Member

    Don’t give up hope, it can happen when you least expect.

    scratch
    Free Member

    Thanks, I’ve not given up hope, it’s just 10 years is a long time! It’s like when you go on holiday with someone, the best bit is the company and all the stupid things you see and no one else does and they become the memories, as well as other stuff you actually went for.

    I’m early 40s now and kinda feels like I’ll get to early 60s and be like, ohh sharing things with someone would have been nice! 🙂

    ElShalimo
    Free Member

    Some friends of ours were together at uni. Split up moved on, got married, had kids, got divorced.

    Bumped into each other years later, got together, got married. And are now really happy 14 years later. It’s never too late, things can work out

    stevextc
    Free Member

    cheese@4p

    Don’t give up hope, it can happen when you least expect.

    Not that anyone should take relationship advice from me but

    Don’t give up hope, it’s way more likely to happen when you least expect

    twistedpencil
    Full Member

    Similar to you, early relationships were fine, then met my ex and, boom,  we had 16years together. Separated for two years now and I’ve met lots of great people via dating apps, but that spark is elusive, the odd flicker, but nothing that’s properly ignited.

    I suppose the difference in our circumstances is my separation is relatively recent in comparison and that I’ve got to a place where I’m happy being single. I don’t want to be single for the rest of my life but I’m also content on my own. I’ve just ordered a new bike for the first time in 10years so that’s helped 😀.

    I’d say don’t overly worry about it, it’ll happen when it happens.

    bigdean
    Full Member

    Very similar to twistedpencil 15yr relationship ended a few years ago, quite a few dates since but not amounted to anything.
    Kind of resided to life alone, it not grim by any standard and I get to pretty much do what I want when son is not round. Plus I don’t really do anything where meeting someone would naturally happen.

    breninbeener
    Free Member

    I think its harder as you get older. There are several factors causing this i think. Im 56 and am virtually invisible to women. This cuts down drastically on the pool of potential partners. From those that are left, lots will be at an age where there is lots of baggage that will make you or them uncomfortable and a poor fit. It also seems to be a time of life where some people seem to not appreciate the joy in things so much.

    I have had the same splendid partner for the past 18 yrs, and we do lots together. However if i became single now, then i really dont think i would make the effort to meet someone new.

    Ian

    Philby
    Full Member

    Don’t give up hope, it’s way more likely to happen when you least expect

    I haven’t, it hasn’t (for well over 10 years)

    Cougar
    Full Member

    Im 56 and am virtually invisible to women.

    Speak for yourself. 😁

    This cuts down drastically on the pool of potential partners.

    By the time you hit 50 your choice of suitors, male or female, is very often “hot, intelligent, not broken, pick any two” IME.

    I got lucky. My current girlfriend, the very first date we had I told her “the very last thing I’m looking for right now is a serious relationship.” Two years later, we’d bought a house together. She’s the best thing that ever happened to me. It can happen.

    tjagain
    Full Member

    I am now on my own after 42 years together with my partner. I really have no idea what to do next but most folk are happier with someone in their lives

    I do think tho that as you get older that ” instantly smitten” feeling is not going to happen – you just don’t have the same raging hormones as when you were younger. I guess its going to be much more of a slow burner

    Remember its all about hormones and evolutionary pressures – and by my age all that is gone 🙂

    Dickyboy
    Full Member

    Separated from my boys mother in 95, had maybe 4 relationships over the following 17yrs, then got together with the woman of my dreams in 2012, so it can happen 🤗

    BigJohn
    Full Member

    December ’68. I’m a gawky 15 year old in Baswich youth club with my mates Calvin and Geoff. I saw this sparky new girl come in with a couple of friends. Straight away I said to my mates “That’s the girl I’m going to marry”.
    We started “going out” in March 69 and we’re still loving our lives together today.

    So, in answer to the question – just the once.

    tonyd
    Full Member

    Maybe you need to find a different spark? The most intense feeling for anyone I’ve ever had was a girl I went out with about 25 years ago. Pretty much as soon as we met it was like there was electricity in the air, we completely and absolutely fell for each other and could not bear to be apart. We lasted about a year and finally split for a couple of reasons, but the electricity was still there. I was absolutely devastated and it took me ages to get over it. I spent a few years comparing every subsequent relationship with that one until I finally realised that actually that level of intensity was pretty unhealthy. No too long after that realisation I met my current partner, I love her with all my heart but it’s a very different kind of love. We’ve been together 18 years and have two lovely kids, I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else.

    TL;DR stop comparing with something that is gone, find something new.

    dudeofdoom
    Full Member

    you just don’t have the same raging hormones as when you were younger

    Yep, I suppose when you get to 50 you should be grateful if it still goes up 🙂

    I think memory also plays tricks on you, the first loves tend to be more sexual and less washing up ,as you pretty much are only together for fun times as soon as it’s living together and the household chores.

    Cougar
    Full Member

    Yep, I suppose when you get to 50 you should be grateful if it still goes up 🙂

    … and your seduction line is “well, it’d be a shame to waste it.”

    fossy
    Full Member

    A mate of mine has met his ideal partner this year – fairly whirlwind romance and he’s likely to be moving in together. He’s around 50. She’s also into walking and camping and has a lovely old VW camper. Really pleased for him as it’s finally worked out.

    Me, no major relationships until I started dating my now wife. 27 years married now !

    Cougar
    Full Member

    I found my girlfriend on Tinder.

    That caused an argument.

    seadog101
    Full Member

    In my early 20’s I had one brief relationship, just over a year, with someone who I thought was the best person in the world. However, we ended up in different parts of the country and for her, this was the end of it. I was miserable for a about a year.

    Then, on a night out which was never ment to be a night out, I met her, The One. We made each other laugh and were both ready for somebody in our lives. She made me understand that there was quite a bit of sadness in me that I had never explored. She had things to work through too, which I was able to help her with. There’s been tough stuff to deal with. It’s not always been perfect, but the love has never waivered.

    We hit 31 years together in a couple of months.

    mert
    Free Member

    Im 56 and am virtually invisible to women.

    Speak for yourself. 😁

    Same here. Knocking on the door of 50, overweight and two kids in tow.

    Been pretty much fighting them off until I met the current one.
    It’s not the same sort of feeling as I had with the ex. Or the one that got away.

    blokeuptheroad
    Full Member

    the current one

    Who said romance is dead?

    mert
    Free Member

    Who said romance is dead?

    🤣😂🤣 it’s good in many ways, but I don’t think it’ll go the distance. A few flags are starting to appear. Not red ones, but maybe amber.

    chewkw
    Free Member

    Anyone had lightning strike twice?

    Okay nothing to do with relationship but actual lighting …

    Yes, lighting does strike twice or three times at my hometown to a particular tree but not on the same day. I think the 3rd strike reduced the three to just the trunk while everything else got burnt off.

    scratch
    Free Member

    Thanks all, some interesting points.
    I have had children with someone since but that was a huge surprise when it happened, and they are the best thing in my life so super glad it did as going from short relationship to short relationship it was never on the cards and I was hoping I’d get the chance to be a dad so at least that’s good, but that relationship did not actually last a great deal of time so 2 years after it really feels like back to square one.

    I did meet someone in the summer, it lasted about 4 months, they were really what I needed at the time, and incredibly funny/same wavelength but I bought it to an end as those feelings hadn’t shown and I feared I was back on my way to where I’d been in previous relationships where everything’s just nice, not floaty amazing.

    I did actually meet that person id fell for years after and I we were in completely different pages by that point so it’s not a what if, more a not wanting to settle for something that’s only half way there

    scratch
    Free Member

    Dating apps are a killer though, I’m not an oil painting so get by on personality and a decent sense of humour, apps don’t allow for this…

    It’s no surprise I’d met that person id fell for through work where we were actually able to get to know each other properly and let something develop.

    asbrooks
    Full Member

    For me I’d say three times. I’m about to turn 55. This fist time for me was in my late teens, we were together for around 8years. 2 year prior to splitting we’d live in Italy for just over a year and had a fantastic time. Money and job opportunities ran out and we had to come home. Not long after that we split. I was devastated and it took me about a year to move on.
    Then I met my daughters mother, we were in it for some fun neither of us were serious and two years in she was expecting so we decided to get married. Then it all went wrong, I can’t say that I truly loved her. The only good outcome from it was my daughter.
    So the second time…. Was an old mate. She’d had just broken up with her bloke. I’d first met her in the early 80’s she was/is a stunner, very intelligent & confidant. First meeting her all those years ago I was completely smitten but it didn’t come to anything. Any a long story short we bumped into each other at gig which was followed by a steamy year of behaving like teenagers. Thenit fizzled out.
    Now I’m with the woman I’d consider my best friend, we’ve been together for near on 20 years. Some we’re not easy especially when kids are involved but we got through. Our girls are now breaking out for themselves and we are rediscovering ourselves and it’s fun again.
    Just don’t give up, there’s always someone out there.

    oldmanmtb2
    Free Member

    Most disappointing thread title for some time…

    didnthurt
    Full Member

    Lower your expectations and you’ll suddenly find lots more available partners. I’m not saying take anyone or the next person along. Just don’t expect a teenage crush type spark. Some relationships are best when built up over a period of time.

    I’m sure if you joined lots of local groups that interest you, and really try to be sociable. Then you’ll be bound meet someone who you like and could possibly build a relationship with.

    didnthurt
    Full Member

    As for lightning striking (like hair standing up on your neck and electricity running down your spine), then just about every time I met someone romantically and there was mutual attraction. Real love takes much longer to develop.

    As I’ve been in a relationship with the same women for nearly half my life, previous relationships seem like an awfully longtime ago…..

    Caher
    Full Member

    can’t believe we’re not going to talk about the lighting hitting the tree.

    Relationships do come when you least expect it or want it, such as: just bought a new bike and have to explain this rather odd hobby to her (in my case).

    gordimhor
    Full Member

    I met my partner at age 52. Eight years ago. I went on a date with no expectations and now we’re still together. She is fit smarter than me honest and loving. Me well I’m dependable and loving if more than a little thrawn Don’t give up hope.

    tjagain
    Full Member

    I have been talking to some female pals of mine about this. Take any opportunities that come your way and follow them up – but don’t be weird I was told. Thats gonna be tricky for me. Apparently the collection of trolls and teddy bears beside my bed is a huge red flag and need to be hidden.

    mert
    Free Member

    but don’t be weird I was told.

    But do be yourself, which in my case is fairly weird.

    I have a room full of lego, RC cars, partially exploded computers and Scalextric. And another room full of bikes in various states of repair. I also collect comics/graphic novels. And have a caravan, which i use to go on mountain biking trips with mates, or the kids.

    The home automation also makes me a bit weird, apparently. And Barbequing at Christmas.

    See what happens when you mention that the previous evening you walked out to the top of a hill miles from anywhere and slept under the stars, when it was below zero.

    I’ve *still* got plenty of dates (and repeat dates) once that lots out in the open…

    Edukator
    Free Member

    Being picky just three provoked that spark. One also worked on most levels except me not being keen on three kids and keeping her in the style to which she wished to become accustomed (She moved to Switzerland with someone capable of paying for the lifestyle but I’ve no idea if she had the kids). Two worked on even more levels except me not being keen on moving to Australia (she moved to Fremantle and social media tells me our lives are mirrored on opposite sides of the planet). Three is sitting in front of the wood burner and looks happy, like me, two pigs in French shit.

    RustySpanner
    Full Member

    …..except me not being keen on moving to Australia…..

    Yep.

    She’s still there, married with a couple of kids.
    Her parents had died, my mum was still alive and I’m an only child, so caring duties were mine.
    Plus, I really, really didn’t want to move to Australia!

    reluctantjumper
    Full Member

    Only twice for me, once when young and once when I was 34 (now nearing 42).

    The first one was a bad idea (worked together, poor age differences (17/23 so at totally different stages of life)) but was instigated by her, didn’t have the bottle to resist or end it early and ended up falling for her just in time for it all to come crashing down. Still not totally unsure about how or why it ended as there was a 3rd party involved on her side which was muddied by the work/social problem but I have my suspicions thanks to people I trust telling me things after the event. It also put paid to my career path with the company as her and the new partner basically blocked my progression. Never dip your pen in the company ink I believe is the saying!

    The second was also through work but this time a customer. She was just coming out of a messy divorce and over the next two years I properly fell for her without realising. Didn’t go anywhere though as she was (for want of a better phrase) ‘damaged goods’ by then and just couldn’t trust anyone to get close to them. That was nearly 10 years ago now and she still isn’t with anyone.

    Haven’t really tried since then as I’d pretty much given up before I met no2, a series of very poor quick relationships (one in particular did an awful lot of damage) over my time has destroyed any desire to do any chasing so it’s just me now and will most likely be until my time is up. Doesn’t help that I don’t want kids, not even step ones, so that really reduces the pool size down. I’ve never been one to be remotely popular with the ladies anyway (beyond invisible mostly, actively repelling them is closer to the truth!) so there’s pretty much no hope of anything happening for me now. Just means I can try and achieve my dream of a small house somewhere with riding nearby, a small workshop for my Mini and lead a simple life of riding, tinkering and the odd little adventure, don’t need anyone for that!

    blokeuptheroad
    Full Member

    @reluctantjumper that’s sad. I hope you’re wrong and one day, when you’re off guard and least expecting it, someone comes along. I don’t know you, but I reckon you are being too critical of how you come across to others. There is someone out there for everyone.

    jimmy
    Full Member

    At 24 and not really having had a proper girlfriend, I met a girl from school I used to really fancy. She felt the same apparently and we got together. Only, she had baggage in the form of a boyfriend/ fiancee who she said she was leaving. I ignored all that because here I was getting jiggy with a cute girl thinking my luck was in. Anyway, she swiftly turned out to be a lying cheating (there *was* a clue for me) nasty piece of work. It wasn’t that my world collapsed but my naive bubble of infatuation popped. I’m not sure if i was permanently damaged by that but 10/10 never seemed achievable after that, it was something I thought I’d had (in reality – 3/10) and got burned by.

    And while that’s not to say I haven’t been happy in relationships since, I think I’ve been too cynical to be patient, too easily settling for less. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but I can have no complaints.

    shermer75
    Free Member

    Then I met someone which absolutely blew me away, they were very attractive and I thought I’d never stand a chance, but things kind of worked out and we were together for a year, i was totally in love with them (like nothing I’d had in previous times, it was like a 10 out of 10 feeling rather than a 5 or 4) they were attractive but also supportive and just really nice to be with, but things didn’t work out, wrong time wrong place in some ways.

    10 years later, countless dates and a good few relationships on, some of which were really fun, I’ve just never found the same spark, I’ve given things time in different scenarios, but nothing, I’ve been for a bit of counselling, didn’t really get me any further.

    I’m not pining after that person still, but for the feeling, in my head i’m just going to keep dating and not settling for what I had initially, but could lead to a lonely life…

    This is a very circuitous way to go about admitting you have someone buried under your patio

    reluctantjumper
    Full Member

    I don’t know you, but I reckon you are being too critical of how you come across to others.

    No, I’m a complete and utter social moron 🤣

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